How do couples fairly split household admin and childcare responsibilities?

[NurtureGrow]

Hello,

I am interested how people manage life and house admin.
We are married with a 20 month old toddler.

My husband works 5 days a week.
I work 3 days a week out of the home + 2 at home with our toddler.

This equates to us both working 5 days a week, but I would say me more.

Yet I do:

85% cleaning
85% arranging social things
95% of meal planning and food ordering
99% buying anything for our toddler
100% DIY
100% gardening
100% packing and unpacking when going away

I find I'm not coping.. I could work more if my husband did more of the above. When I say it should be 50/50, he always says... 'my business..' as if that's a reason to sacrifice me. I have been struggling with low mood. Forgetting things. I just can't get him to see that 'his business' is a choice and why should I be paying the price. I have been patient for over 2 years.

I would genuinely like to know how others manage and how you get through to your partner, that a relationship should be a partnership. Please tell me.

It sounds wild, but I had no idea so many women become house managers, life coordinators after getting married. I can't believe we are all enduring this.

Meanwhile, sometime ago he also said he thinks 'I have become unambitious.' I used to have a highly demanding job, but how can I do more, when also having to do this. When I say things need doing, my husband likes to say 'it's not a priority,' but indeed just because you ignore it, doesn't make it go away.

Not especially helpful for your situation, but we discussed it prior to having kids, as others around us who already had kids didn’t have a great balance and we both saw that and agreed we wouldn’t do that.

DH works 4 days a week and I’m a SAHM, so while a lot of the “household load” falls to me, he still does his fair share of pick ups/drop offs, kids parties and activities, etc. He does most of the cooking because he enjoys it, I do the organising because I weirdly enjoy it and we split the kids bedtimes to do one each if we’re both home in the evening.

He has a season ticket for the football, if there’s a home match at 3pm, he takes the kids to their swimming in the morning then for a bike ride or trip to the park or does their homework with them before he goes out. I then take over the parenting until he gets home (he rarely goes out after the match) or until they’re in bed.
He’ll happily wipe down in the kitchen or run the vacuum around if it’s needed and I’ve been busy doing other things.
he also does the dishwasher, cats litter trays and bins as his “jobs”
we get a cleaner in once a quarter for a deep clean and I stay on top of it the rest of the time.

and it just works