How do couples fairly split household admin and childcare responsibilities?

[NurtureGrow]

Hello,

I am interested how people manage life and house admin.
We are married with a 20 month old toddler.

My husband works 5 days a week.
I work 3 days a week out of the home + 2 at home with our toddler.

This equates to us both working 5 days a week, but I would say me more.

Yet I do:

85% cleaning
85% arranging social things
95% of meal planning and food ordering
99% buying anything for our toddler
100% DIY
100% gardening
100% packing and unpacking when going away

I find I'm not coping.. I could work more if my husband did more of the above. When I say it should be 50/50, he always says... 'my business..' as if that's a reason to sacrifice me. I have been struggling with low mood. Forgetting things. I just can't get him to see that 'his business' is a choice and why should I be paying the price. I have been patient for over 2 years.

I would genuinely like to know how others manage and how you get through to your partner, that a relationship should be a partnership. Please tell me.

It sounds wild, but I had no idea so many women become house managers, life coordinators after getting married. I can't believe we are all enduring this.

Meanwhile, sometime ago he also said he thinks 'I have become unambitious.' I used to have a highly demanding job, but how can I do more, when also having to do this. When I say things need doing, my husband likes to say 'it's not a priority,' but indeed just because you ignore it, doesn't make it go away.

The problem is our house is small, so it's not like you can leave any piles anywhere, there isn't really space

I am a SAHM, 5yo in school and 2yo. DH works 5 days a week. While he's at work, I'm at work, and I do whatever I can while looking after the 2 and the 5yo outside of school hours.

Once he's home. We're both equally responsible for everything. So he cooks, or cleans, or does laundry, or whatever needs doing. Because it's his home and his kids and I'm his wife, not his mother or his slave.

Some things I do more of, like school admin, and shopping, because I'm more in contact with the school as I'm there every day, and 2yo likes the shop.

DP handles the pet and car admin. I don't know who our pet insurance is with, he doesn't know what app I use to book school dinners. But the pets actually require alot of admin as they're fancy show and breeding pedigrees.

We don't need a schedule or anything because we both know everything is equally our jobs and we both make sure everything gets done.

You need a chore chart. Or a divorce. All jobs outside of his working hours are joint responsibilities. Cooking dinner is a 5050 chore, easy, he is now responsible for cooking dinner 3 nights a week, you do 3 and get a takeaway once a week, or a frozen pizza. Cooking dinner involves all shopping and prepping and cleaning up after. Avoids messy cooks if you clean up after yourself.

He can do his own laundry. End of discussion. There is no reason why you should be washing his clothes for him.

One day a weekend is for chores, gardening, DIY, shopping. One day is for family time every other weekend, one day a month of this is your free day, you get a day off once a month, he gets a day off once a month.

I think the small size of our dining room, kitchen and bathroom are playing a big factor. I have thought it would be good to move further away to get more space, but it isn't an option atm.

Let him pack for himself. If he packs a thick coat and not shorts/trunks for somewhere warm that's down to him. He'll soon learn.

Christ alive let him pack, let him pack the wrong stuff, just stop trying to control it. You need to learn when to step back.
How about on your three office days he cooks a meal and you just have to chill out a bit about what it is. Get a Charlie Binghama lasagne or pizza and bag of salad with the weekly shop.
And just stop doing his laundry.

I agree and this is what I expected and my dream.

Unfortunately, my husband says he is operating at above 100% for his business.
He was better when in a salaried job and we didn't have a toddler. I always did more, but it was liveable.

The question is for how many years am I meant to endure this. Or perhaps this is what we should agree. I will do this for 1 more year, but absolutely not after. After I expect a full partner who collaborates

I mean it should still take less time to clean them then, you have to be more on top of smaller spaces ( I lived in a flat until DC2 was 1y) but it still takes more time to clean a bigger space overall.
It does sound like you are both are the problem, even if my DH did nothing I wouldn’t be up to 11pm cleaning. That’s just abnormal, there’s no need to spend that many hours cleaning.

What would happen if you just told him half the dinners are his job and whoever doesn’t cook needs to wash up?

You’re starting with an unequal premise - regarding your paid employment, he does 71% and you do 42% each week. So he has 29% and you have 58% ‘spare’ time. He has suggested your child has a further day in nursery, which is a great idea, and would give you more free time. Not him, just you.
DH and I meal plan together on a Friday night - takes us 10 minutes to plan meals for the next week and compile a shopping list. We shop together, but when we both worked we did an online shop.
I do most of the cooking but some meals DH does - this is noted on our meal plan which we have on the fridge. Whoever cooks, the other cleans up.
I do all the gardening because I enjoy it - when we had big lawns he did all the mowing.
He does most of the laundry and all the ironing - we each put away our own clean clothes.
We each do our own packing when we go away. I’m not his mother, why would I do his? If he forgets something, tough!

It comes across as you have very high standards and he has lower. Maybe he’s as annoyed that you spend every evening cleaning as you are that he lets you!

For a couple of months he has been away for several days a week

You’re at home more than him so you should do a larger share of the chores. So, for example, you could put in a load of washing, hang it out, put the hoover round a room or two, wipe the kitchen top down, etc, all while being with your DC.

However, your partner definitely needs to help more in the evenings and weekends. If you’re doing the cooking, get him to wash up/load the dishwasher each day as part of an evening routine. You could probably add another job or two to that, but it’s best to get one thing established first IMO.

Leave big and involved jobs until the weekend and literally tell your partner what to do, eg “I’m going to clean the kitchen while DC plays here so I can watch them. Please can you empty the washing machine, peg it on the line, then put the hoover around the bedrooms. Here’s the basket to put the washing in and the hoover is under the stairs.”

This worked for me when the DC were younger. I tried to do as much as I could when I was at home with them, but left bigger jobs until Saturday morning. Just Saturday morning for house jobs as I found having a Finish Time encouraged them to get on with it.

It’s understandable to not want your 2yo to do 4 days at nursery just so you can clean and cook and do diy because 2yos dad does fuck all. If I worked 3 days with a child that age it would be to give them the extra time at home and id have to be divorced and need the work to put them in an extra day.

I had the same situation with my ex (we share a child). The relationship lasted a few more years and then I was done. He just didn’t see me or my wellbeing as important, that why it was fine for me to sacrifice all of my time and energy on everyone else. It didn’t matter how much I pleaded or tried to reason with him, in fact, he did even less once I was working more hours than him.

I am now with a different partner and we have a baby together. He works more hours than my ex ever did (and a much more demanding job), and I really can say that we are equal parents, I am not the “main parent” in this relationship because he automatically takes on his share of the mental load. He also does his fair share of all the domestic responsibilities (without instruction) despite me being at the end of maternity leave right now.

I did nothing different, I just got a better man.

If you’re working 5 days a week then you need 5 days of childcare.

You’re interested in the split, so..

DH works full time hours but slightly compressed into 4.5 days. I work 32 hours across 4 full days (including one weekend day). I have DS on my own for a day and a half, DH has him on his own for a day and we have a day and a half the 3 of us. He’s in nursery 3 days.

DH does 95% of the cooking. We split food shopping based on whoever can more conveniently do a shop. I do 95% of the laundry for everyone. I do maybe 75% of life admin (sorting insurances, booking appointments, booking holidays etc). It used to be almost 100% but we’ve adjusted that recently and DH has taken on some household maintenance related stuff. Tidying and cleaning is split based again on whoever has a bit of time or for who it’s more convenient. He does bins and putting shelves up, building furniture and fixing things, I do all painting as he hates it. We’ve just moved so there’s been a lot of all the latter.

We alternate bath and bedtimes, whoever’s not ‘on duty’ does the dishes, end of day tidy round etc. We alternate getting up when DS wakes, anytime from 5.30am onwards. The ‘off duty’ gets a bit of a longer sleep and a coffee brought to them.

When we’re all together DH tends to do a bit more actively with DS as he’s got a bit more enthusiasm for getting on the floor playing cars than I have (although I do try!). DS does an activity on a Saturday morning, we alternate who takes him to that and the other gets the time to themself.

Reading threads here makes me so grateful for him, because I know in myself I would not enjoy parenting without his enormous input, and the chance for either of us to take a break now and then.

In your case OP I’d sit down and have an open conversation, explain how you feel and see if you can find some ways to relieve some of the burden from you without him feeling like it’s suddenly all shifting it all to him. This might be agreeing to get Hello Fresh every week to cut down on food shopping / planning / cooking or it might be him taking on certain jobs, and doing them.

I’d expect that part of this may be reducing your own expectations, a small recent example is that DH at my request went and bought wrapping paper and a card for DS’s birthday. Did he buy what I’d have bought? No. But he did it and we had those items, DS didn’t care and I could strike it off my to-do list. Does he clean the bathroom to the same standard as I would? No, but going over the shower screen again takes me far less time than doing the whole thing would.

Also let your DH pack for himself for goodness sake. We’ve just got back from a warm trip and he forgot his own flip-flops. It was him who suffered, not me. He’ll remember next time, and if he doesn’t then it still won’t be my problem.

OP, is the tidiness of the house very important to you? You sound overwhelmed by all the things to do and burnout from trying to be perfect is very real. I used to be closer to this perspective than I am now but I made a decision a few years ago to prioritise differently. The house is less tidy but I am no longer overwhelmed and am much happier.

It your DH requiring this level of home maintenance or is it a self imposed expectation? You have a toddler and there are only so many hours in the day. Think carefully about how you spend them. Literally no child I have ever met remembers how much cleaning their parent did when they were little but they do remember other stuff.

Is it possible that you and DH have got out of alignment a little because you are rushing around trying to make everything perfect and he gets home from work with a different agenda? I am not commenting on what he should do differently but the best place to start with change is always yourself. Can you reframe your expectations? Doing DIY at 11 at night or even feeling like you should does not seem conducive to happiness ( unless you live DIY, but I didn't get that vibe).

I listened to a podcast called The Lazy Genius and it has literally rewired my brain to choose what I consider important and what I want to put my energy into. It turns out it wasn't cleaning the floors. Our house isn't cluttered or especially filthy but there are projects perpetually on the back burner and it turns out it doesn't matter. We haven't redone our upstairs bathroom despite thinking we would because we'd rather go to the beach. We'll do it one day. Probably.

You are in a very busy season with a toddler and part time work. You might be best served to let some expectations go. Enjoy your kid while they are small. Rest so this can be so. Nobody looks back in their life with small children and wishes they had done more housework. Don't feel you have to get everything done. You can't and that is what tomorrow is for.

I have a 2 year old. In case it is relevance, I'm gay and married to another woman. We both work full time 5 days a week.

I do:
-all nursery runs/grandparent drop offs/pick ups (I'm the only one who drives)
-All weekday morning routines (partner leaves the house way before me)
-The hoovering
-Mowing the lawn
-All general cleaning jobs like the bathroom
-Most of the cooking
-Putting away laundry
-Meal planning
-Most of the life admin/planning days out etc

Wife does:
-All bath times
-All weekend morning routines
-Most of the day to day stuff, like emptying the bins, loading the dishwasher, washing the pots, changing the cat litter
-Cleaning the kitchen counters
-The laundry and hanging it out
-Making us lunch for work

Things we both do:
-General tidying of areas e.g. the playroom
-Watering the plants
-The bed routine except bathing (we both have two nights a week off where we do our hobbies)
-The food shop

It works for us! I have no idea if this split is okay but it feels fair to both of us. Also, I have ADHD, and it's not an excuse to do fuck all. My wife does the tasks that my ADHD absolutely cannot cope with (organising the washing, it's just very difficult for me, and washing the pots due to sensory issues!), and I'm not saying I never procrastinate putting for laundry away for a few days, but I force myself to manage for the sake of others.

I would be breaking this down into jobs that must be done ie cooking and laundry and jobs that aren’t urgent eg DIY. Also jobs that are easy eg laundry and those that require time and maybe a bit of knowledge eg DIY.

You sound completely overwhelmed, sit down and decide how you are going to tackle this, put your child into nursery for 1 extra day and use that as a planning day. To get on top of things:

• get a new cleaner and get to do a deep clean to reset
• get a local handyman to do the DIY jobs and don’t do any more DIY until you find one
• stop packing for him (it’s 2026 not 1956)
• if you unpack for him stop that too
• if you don’t do online shopping start it now and order things on repeat.
• use more ready meals eg Charlie Bighams

Get back some feeling of control, you’ll feel much better. Don’t have anymore children with this man and start planning your exit, he is not a keeper and doesn’t respect you.

So he knows you're not coping. You have asked him for help and his answer is "no I'm working too hard." (While sitting on his arse watching TV while you clean up.)

You are not super human. You cannot work, and look after a child and do everything in the house with another adult living there. You just can't. You are a married single mother. And there is nothing harder. I have been a married single mother. I have been a single mother. I have been a married mother with an actual partner in life. There is nothing at all harder than a married single mother. Men that do not contribute more than a wage are dead weights and will drag you down. Mentally and physically with the workload they add to your life.

Either. He earns so much that you can afford to stay. And you plough every bit of money into support. More nursery, a cleaner, a bloke that does the gardening and DIY. There are loads of local alright blokes that will fit a light switch, mow the grass, fix the tap, you want a go to handyman that comes every fortnight in summer to do the garden. And you ring up and say the lock on the back door is broken, and he pops round and sorts it out. You don't priorise anything over keeping yourself sane. Not savings, not holidays, not his pension. Because if you split you won't benefit from that.

Orrr... He doesn't earn enough to outsource all that. So you bin him. Between child maintenance and universal credit top ups, free nursery hours, you'll be fine. Financially not much worse off, mentally miles better off.

Thank you, one of the greatest difficulties is when I bring it up, he gets reactive (which he doesn't usually,) saying I will stop the business then!

I just feel it isn't either / or! I am not going to ask you to stop to be a contributing partner. But it can't be right, it's just the business then. I can't seem to communicate, I can't live in this way, I'm not happy.

Also to clarify: I do not pack his clothes for vacation, haha. That was just an example (which worries me tbh,) that he says he is so busy thinking.. he chooses a thick winter coat for a 30c location and no shorts or swimming trunks..

Sorry the punctuation isn't right and spelling mistakes too

I wouldn't say we have a totally 50:50 split but DH and I both work full time and have some sort of balance.

The main thing for us is not having joint chores. We each have things we are in charge of, that way there is accountability if it doesn't get done.

E.g. (and this isn't the full list, but you get the idea)

I do:
Food shopping
Cooking
Laundry
Buying kids clothes/shoes/presents
Kids clubs/social activities
School pickup
All gardening except the lawn

DH does:
Dishwasher
Hoovering
Cleaning
Mowing the lawn
All things car related on both cars
DIY, sorting out trades for house maintenance
School dropoff

Basically I do more kid related stuff but he does more house-related stuff. In practice it's nowhere near as Tradwife as that list makes it look though!

But why is his business relevant? Your OP made it seem like he’s sat there watching tv in the evening while you clean?

Is he there and doing nothing, or is he working?

Mine has also got ADHD, so our equal division of labour involves me being the planner in the household. But it works for us because he's much better at some things I'm awful at, and earns decently. You do seem to have a lot of DIY, incidentally, are you in a doer upper?

Ultimately, I think the question is whether he's able to contribute in a way that will allow a fairly even split, even if it looks like one person having 100% of some things. I don't know what the answer is if you'd always have to carry him.

I'm sorry but I don't think he is a good person. He is actively choosing to be physically unable to see well enough in order to pull his weight at home!

He is actively choosing this by not getting bifocals.

Sounds like there’s loads going on here, but the main one is your mental health, I hope you manage to get some help both at home and from the professionals.

I’m a bloke, so take this as you will! The main thing I always think when I read these types of threads (seems there’s lots!) is that I can’t imagine living in a house where the atmosphere must be so strained all the time due to the disparity of effort/work.

For what it’s worth, we have two kids (5&3) and we both work full-time. We both have a night out each week (if we want it), and when we’re in together, we’re normally sat down by 8ish with dinner. The house - by most standards - is pretty neat, clean and tidy, but we accept not everything can always be 100%. The garden is not how we’d want it to be, but it’s lower down the priority list at the moment. We have a cleaner for 2 hours every two weeks for some of the bigger jobs, but other than that it goes…

Weekday Mornings & drop offs - 100% me

weekday pick ups - 80% wife / 20% me

bed, bath, story - 50/50 (we usually divide and conquer)

weekends - 50/50 (usually each have half a day to ourselves to do jobs and a bit of downtime, rest as a family)

GP/dentist/haircuts etc. - 50/50

Buying stuff for kids - 100% wife

food shopping - 100% wife

life admin including finances, school stuff, nursery stuff etc - 60/40 to my wife

cooking - 90% me

day to day cleaning - 70% me, but I work from home most of the time, so factor it in. I do more of the ‘manual’ stuff but wife does the things that make the place feel nice

DIY/gardening etc- 50/50 depending on preference and ability

Life is hectic and a bit stressful- but, I think, it can be done… but only if both people take responsibility & you play to your strengths. It’s also worth proritising what’s most important to you personally though (I hate dirt, but can live with a bit of clutter / disorder… my wife is the opposite, so we both take responsibility for our own happiness/ sanity in those areas)