How do couples fairly split household admin and childcare responsibilities?

[NurtureGrow]

Hello,

I am interested how people manage life and house admin.
We are married with a 20 month old toddler.

My husband works 5 days a week.
I work 3 days a week out of the home + 2 at home with our toddler.

This equates to us both working 5 days a week, but I would say me more.

Yet I do:

85% cleaning
85% arranging social things
95% of meal planning and food ordering
99% buying anything for our toddler
100% DIY
100% gardening
100% packing and unpacking when going away

I find I'm not coping.. I could work more if my husband did more of the above. When I say it should be 50/50, he always says... 'my business..' as if that's a reason to sacrifice me. I have been struggling with low mood. Forgetting things. I just can't get him to see that 'his business' is a choice and why should I be paying the price. I have been patient for over 2 years.

I would genuinely like to know how others manage and how you get through to your partner, that a relationship should be a partnership. Please tell me.

It sounds wild, but I had no idea so many women become house managers, life coordinators after getting married. I can't believe we are all enduring this.

Meanwhile, sometime ago he also said he thinks 'I have become unambitious.' I used to have a highly demanding job, but how can I do more, when also having to do this. When I say things need doing, my husband likes to say 'it's not a priority,' but indeed just because you ignore it, doesn't make it go away.

Why is there so much DIY?
Your DH seems rather useless.
It shouldn’t be so hard with one toddler between 2 adults. You say your house is small - not that small if you have kitchen, dining room and (I assume) a lounge.

Could your husband do all gardening and diy or pay for someone. We both work 5 days and have 2 dc. I can barely keep on top of the inside work. I am very bad at gardening/diy and it takes ages so I just don't do it. Similar with car maintenance. I know just not doing gardening may not be simple as your dh could let the lawn ger out of control.

I just don't ask. I leave things gardening or diy and say I don't know. At least if your dg is responsible for a complete task, it is easier
.
He cleans but you have to go over it. If you physically could not start a petrol lawnmower, work a power tool, then he would have no one redoing all the work properly.

This just sounds like weaponised incompetence.

If he really couldn't see or hear very well without aid, he'd have had a difficult time maintaining the salaried job he previously had and certainly he'd struggle to run a business. So I don't fully believe this.

If he does need visual or hearing aid and is simply choosing not to use it/get tested it really just furthers the point.

It's not that he can't do anything, he's choosing not to because he just expects you to do it. Many people learn how to function with limitations - if he can run a business, he can help run a household. I would be telling him this and that the marriage will be heading toward an end if he doesn't start learning how to properly contribute to the domestic running of the household. It won't be split 50/50 - it's reasonable that you would take on a bit more than him in domestic matters if you're home two days a week - but you flat out should not be accepting no contribution from him whatsoever.

If he won't act like a partner then your only option if you don't want to end the relationship is to just put up with it (doesn't sound like this is feasible for you as it is completely wearing you down) or perhaps go back to work full time and just use both your incomes to support childcare and domestic duties. Maybe hire a full time nanny/housekeeper.

Sorry you're in this situation. Your DH is selfish.

What I cannot get my head around is, keep saying I want to collaborate, share what needs doing, act like partners.. and he gets emotional saying he'll stop the business. Which I obviously won't agree to. So I am left in this position. He is not a bad person. I don't see how we can be in this position.

What's the reason you wouldn't agree to it?

If he sees something that needs doing, he does it. If I see something that needs doing, I call him over to do it.

Just kidding, generally who sees it does it, as I am home more (work from home) I do more. I don’t do the bins, drains, or de hair the hair brushes and I haven’t since we moved in together, hopefully I can live out the rest of my days without doing any of those things. He picks the children up mostly, and if I’m working when they get back he will entertain them and sort them out until I’m finished. He is not really a morning person (which is fine, I knew that when I married him) so I am pretty much flying solo in the morning. I don’t mind that though it’s chaotic but it’s nice sometimes.

Any DIY or building is him, if he can’t do it my dad does it because he’s a handyman by trade but if DH can avoid calling him in he will, I think it’s a pride thing.

Overall, it depends on the week who does more. Sometimes I do 80% if he’s super busy at work, and during exam season (I tutor) he does 90% of the work. It probably averages out even? Or at least close enough neither of us are bothered by it. Your split sounds unfair imo and that wouldn’t work for me.

hate to be that typical Mumsnet responder.
if he is not able to reflect on the shortcomings of his contribution to the health and welfare of the family, then he is not a long-term prospect.
you may have to look beyond your immediate problem and think about yourself and your DC in the long run.

Unless you live in a huge house I can’t work out how you never stop. You have two days not working and you have one child and a cleaner. I think you need to develop processes and routines for the house and garden and stick to them. From your partners point of view you have two whole days at home when he is at work. Yes he should
be doing more but you need to be organising yourself better.

Was it like this before you had a child? Has he always been like this?

The inability to be an adult or parent and show any kind of respect or support for their partner is so completely unattractive and exhausting. I would be re-evaluating the entire relationship and consider leaving.

Have you asked him why he’s issuing you an ultimatum?

Ok well there’s a few things going on here

does he drive?

it sounds like you are a doer and can’t bear to see jobs left undone whereas he doesn’t care

when he says he’s going to stop the business tell him that isn’t a helpful suggestion and he’s using it to shut down the discussion - you need a proper discussion because things aren’t working

he needs to understand that you’re not his mum and his weaponised incompetence won’t work anymore!

Whilst initially this leaves you with yet another job, find a list of all jobs. Household, admin, life admin, childcare and divide them up.

with you working 3 days a week, I imagine it is assumed you’ll pick up some of the slack. But you have a toddler so actually, those days are written off. It might be that they go to childcare for 3 hours each day so you can pick up some of the jobs.

in our house, DP does the food. The meal planning, shopping, cooking and washing up. I refuse to get involved at all. He makes mistake but has to rectify them. It helps because he wants to eat.

whilst he will ‘help’ me with other stuff, I find I have to think about it, manage and delegate it. I used to do food too but went nuts and this was the outcome.

so the tip is find the list, work out how much time you each have ‘spare’ and then divide and conquer. Then let him do it and do not pick up the slack!! Then he has to think about it.

if you weren’t there, he’d manage. You don’t need to be his skivvy.

our system isn’t perfect but better than me being run ragged.

OP I empathise and I remember this being me (but I worked 5 days a week, America hours and did the morning childcare). It’s difficult but you are in the thick of it at the moment. The toddler years are tough. Give yourself some grace and, sorry, lower your standards. The DIY can wait till toddler is a little older and more self-sufficient. I would also take hubby up on the extra day at nursery. I burnt out and if you continue, so will you. Either lower your standards, or do the extra nursery day.

I must say these are new ones on here. Champion of excuses eh?! Did you acquire this poor creature directly from his parents cos presumably he was incapable of living independently. But capable of running a business with those disabilities, fancy that!

Mutually agree a time in the evening when you both clock off.
Up to that point its all hands on deck.

If he's useless at seeing what needs to be done then give him an entire area of responsibility eg food.
He meal plans, shops and cooks.

You do cleaning/organising cleaner.

If he can't do diy, gardening or buying any kid stuff then he can do all the laundry instead, that's an easy job.

Definitely stop packing for him though!

I speak from experience and would say this is what often happens once children come along. Mum takes on 90-100% of the mental load and 80-90% of the practical load. Check out Paige Connell on Facebook. She is brilliant at talking this through with lots of practical solutions for parents to be a team and getting family life admin / responsibilities shared much more equally. She had to sit her husband down and tell him they were headed for divorce if he didn’t step up and help to raise his own kids and he was truly shocked that she wasn’t coping. Don’t let it get to that stage. Literally make a list and share it out. But remember any life admin / responsibility they take on has to include all of the planning and prep too or you will be back to square one. Good luck.

Get a gardener to attend to the lawn and employ someone for the diy jobs.
Perhaps get your toddler into nursery for an extra day so that you have a day to yourself. Get your DH to sort out his ears and eyes so that he's able to help a bit more.

My husband had his own place before we married so I had a good idea of what was coming. He was a good cook and kept the kitchen spotless and the bathroom was always clean and tidy. The rest of the flat was untidy. He did his washing at the laundrette and actually enjoyed ironing, found it relaxing.

After we married he did the cooking and kept the bathroom clean. We didn't have a washing machine so he continued to do the laundry and ironing.

When we had children I kept working and was away a lot, he looked after the children, loved being daddy. As I was away a lot the house was sometimes messy. He used to say do you want to do housework or spend time with the girls. So unless it was really bad we focused on the children.

I worked finance so dealt with a lot of the money side while he did the shopping (or we did it togeter) as he did the cooking. I organised holidays as he'd quite happily spend all his time off on the allotment.

These days I do nearly everything as he's chronically ill and finds it all too much, can't walk far, can't stand for long, falls asleep. Not how we envisaged retirement but not a lot you can do about it.

He’s using the I’ll shut the business down to shut you up and put you back in your box. and he isn’t a good man at all cos he refuses to get glasses and hearing aids to better his life

weaponised incompetence through and through

Hi OP, this is tough, really feel for you. Can you afford a marriage/couples counsellor? Hubby and I currently going through this and we did a mental load exercise with the counsellor which was helpful. They suggested some ways my hubby can do more with our dc as I am responsible for all of it and I feel I do majority of the housework. I am a SAHM but I get no break really apart from when dc naps and even then i still will do jobs. I hadn't even thought of extras like gardening or packing to go away! Hubby said to the counsellor we split household 50/50 but since then he has been more helpful with dc and house so whether he has recieved the message or his conscience is pricking... who knows. Based on your post, the division of labour/responsibilities isn't sustainable and your partner needs telling this. ALso, showing him your list, could he be reasoned with as in, this is what i do and negotiate how he can help?

Hi OP.
in my home there is me, DH DS who is nearly 3. I felt very similar to you for a while. I feel better now due to the following :
I lowered my standards. I wanted everything to be ship shape can't relax if it's not clean and tidy etc. this is not reasonable with a toddler. If this is you you have to let it go. Stop the DIY !! I'm sure it's not urgent

Make your house run itself as much as possible. By that I mean subscriptions for everything. Toilet roll, deodorant, hand wash, washing up liquid etc. pet food /litter if needed. Lifts that mental load to just food shop. Same with birthdays cards, wrapping paper, presents. Get them all in ready for the year if possible

Your dh sounds like an arse. Try setting a routine. While I put the baby down can you do the kitchen and keep adding to it until it becomes second nature that you have your roles. Can't really add more to the DH issue tbh! If he won't listen 👂 not sure what else you can do. Stop doing things for him though that he should be doing himself.

So I’ve been married 18 years and it took a long time to find a compromise. What works for us is to have our own jobs but I literally can’t pick up the slack if dh doesn’t do his jobs or does them badly. Otherwise they end up being my responsibility again.
This is our split, I work part time dh works full time , we have a 8 year old who has additional needs and I am registered disabled.
me
pots/ dishwasher
cooking 4 days a week
School runs 4 days
dusting/polishing
cleaning appliances
bathrooms
laundry
School /ds mental load

dh
cooking 3days
school run 1 day
all dog walks (around 10 a week, dog walker does rest)
hoovering/mopping
garden
diy
cars
bins
own ironing

we each get a lay in per week. And both often take time out at weekend to see friends etc. food shop is delivered.

so I never think about any of dhs jobs. If he doesn’t do them they doent get done

relatable, and using the ‘I’ll leave the business‘ line is very manipulative. My relationship is similar, kids are 4&2 and I’m just opening my eyes to how uneven our balance is. I pretty much do everything, and always have done. The night wakings (which still happen) bed sharing, school runs, all cooking and cleaning / tidying / washing etc. But every time we talk about it we row. And his opinion is essentially that he earns more than me (about 4x) and so it’s more important that he stays rested blah blah blah. It’s so so awful that it basically comes down to who earns more. I do a four day week, choosing to spend one day with my little one before he starts school, so as soon as I ‘complain’ I’m told to spend thah day catching up on things and stop moaning that j don’t have time to keep on top! I was at breaking point last year and told him something needs to change and he said he can’t do anymore than he is. It’s really awful, I never imagined that’s the sort of partner he would be. I’m sorry you’re going through it.

That's really tough. We're in a similar situation and you just can't establish shared responsibility routines when a lot of the time you have to be fully responsible. I find it especially hard with the mental load - DP is very good at picking up physical tasks when he's home, especially childcare, but sadly I can't download my brain for him! I think you need to create a list of jobs for him to take responsibility for when he is home that don't need too much brain power. Write out detailed instructions (large print!), laminate them and put them in the appropriate room. I'd start with DC bath time, laundry and cooking. Remember to include instructions like when bubble bath, shampoo, laundry detergent, dishwasher tablets only have 1/4 left, add them to the whiteboard on the fridge (or whatever suitable place). For meals, give him a recipe to follow and the expectation is that he is not finished until the kitchen is completely clean and tidy, including the dishwasher being emptied. Basically, treat him like a child who is learning this for the very first time!

"he gets emotional saying he'll stop the business"

He's manipulating you like mad. I'd totally call his bluff to put an end to this shit:

"OK. I agree, stop the business."

He has a lot to lose here too, OP. Watch him pivot from that manipulation into DARVO accusations about how you aren't supportive etc. The true make of the man will be revealed.

He's using you.

Btw, when we were in the thick of things with 3 childen, neither my H nor I sat down in the evening until everything was done and we and the kids were all prepared for the next day. We had our own tasks but pitched in where we could to speed things along so that we could collapse on the sofa together at night and talk or watch some TV. It is completely inconceivable to me that I would be still rushing about at 11 pm and he'd be sitting on the sofa. I wouldn't have put up with it even the first time, I'm not his bloody servant.