Husband booked lads' holiday over daughter's birthday festival weekend

[JDIMum]

Looking for some advice please. My daughter age 8 is a huge Nathan Evans fan - Scottish singer for those of you not familiar. He is playing at a family festival in Edinburgh in August. Friends of ours are going with their children and making a weekend of it so we (my husband & our 3 kids age 11,8,6)thought we’d book to go as part of my daughter’s 9th birthday. Tickets were bought in January, accommodation sorted & paid for - we are staying at glamping pods where our friends are too.
Now my husband goes away with his friends once a year - they have a betting club together and they bet on the football each week - any wins they get the money goes in the pot for the holiday. At the weekend there my husband said they’d booked their betting club holiday. Fly on 19th August & back on 23rd. Straight away I said the festival is 21st-23rd???? Now my husband is super forgetful like really bad he never remembers dates for anything so has clearly forgot this was booked. I am absolutely fuming. I would never book a holiday without running dates past him - not to get his permission but just to let him know! First he’s mentioned it was the weekend & apparently it’s been booked for a few weeks???? Wtf? I said to him if he’d mentioned the dates I could have reminded him about the festival. I’ve since not spoken to him in 2 days. I’m so annoyed. He turned it back on me saying ‘I clearly don’t want him to go away with his friends & it’s always an issue’. I can assure you it’s never an issue!!!! I think it’s important for us both to go away with friends. We’ve been together 22 years & married for 12 I’ve never ever grudged him a boys holiday but I’m raging! I want him to either cancel his place or come back on the Friday night/Sat morning so he can still come with us! Am I being unreasonable????

I would be thoroughly disappointed and embarrassed if mine chose the lads holiday. But equally I wouldn’t want him choosing the festival purely to mope about and blame me for him not getting his lads holiday so I would be more inclined to let him decide and probably reconsider how I feel about him. Not in a it’s over type of way. But one of those defining moments when a small piece of respect is lost. I’ve had a few in my marriage. It’s like your see them through different eyes and while still in love your see them a little different. If you do go alone then give yourself a massive pat on the back mama. Default parenting is hard and lonely at times but you will look back in years to come and be proof of yourself

Just take someone else. You will probably have more support anyway

Ignore OP - there are some parents who think putting your child first at any stage is being indulgent.

prioritising a birthday treat for your child when it’s something so important to her is not a weird thing to do. Ultimately if he doesn’t go (and I’m sorry to say I don’t think he will) then he’s the one missing out.

cancelling on a long arranged weekend away in favour of his buddies shows his priorities and values - when they clash it can breed resentment and then contempt.

wrt the kids - is he going to be surprised when they don’t have a strong bond with him? As that’s where that will go if they see him prioritising himself all the time

You cried for 2 days about this @JDIMum

That is concerning. What must your kids have thought was going on to see you in this state?!

after the dust settles on this, spend some time thinking about how you react to life’s blips

Do you love your husband? Otherwise a good partner, supportive, kind, trustworthy?

It’s not an event though - it’s another holiday/ weekend away that he had already booked with his family. It’s not like it’s a cinema trip - and OP didn’t sign up to take three young children to a camping festival on her own. I think it’s mad that her husband has booked a holiday without running it past her and OP is being very reasonable saying he can still go but just come back a little earlier.

I don’t think she cried solidly/in front of the children for 2 days however she can feel/respond in any way she wants. No one has the right to tell someone else how they should feel about something even if you think personally it is an overreaction. She felt let down and that her and the kids come in second place.

Oh stop with the psycho babble picked up from a magazine!

Op said she has been crying for 2 days about it
I basically said to maybe look closely at that as can’t be healthy for herself or for her kids

What do you think about OP's husbands behaviour @Theywave ? How would you react if your husband did the same?

Reddit in the house! Let’s kick and gaslight a woman who’s done nothing wrong, but she’s stopping a man doing what he wants!

Sweet Jesus

literally all I have said is that crying for 2 days about this perhaps worthy at looking at a little closer because ultimately this is a pretty innocuous blip in the scheme of things!

Yet you didn’t mention a word about her husbands behaviour, it’s just an odd thing to focus on isn’t it?

We know what you said. Your post was rude.

OP doesn't need to do anything, she's reacted how she reacted and doesn't need you to tell her to spend some time 'thinking' about it.

If anything it is you who's using the psycho babble 🙄

There is always a handful of posters on each thread who love to stick the boot into the OP. I'm absolutely sick and tired of it.

Depends entirely on the backdrop of the last however many years he’s been a parent.

So if a one off and generally a wonderful father - disappointed but 🤷‍♀️ these things happen and it must mean a shed load to him given he’s never behaved like this before

If a pattern of him letting down me and more importantly my children…. I’d be talking to a divorce lawyer

Bloomin heck

any other response than “there there Op” is frowned on. I didn’t name call, didn’t abuse, didn’t really anything aside from saying two days of crying over this… perhaps needs to be looked at when the dust settles!

Your posts came across as rude.

Maybe spend some time thinking about why you leave rude posts on mumsnet... 😂

Surely he’s losing money either way as the festival must have cost something too? He’d just rather he didn’t lose money on the betting one which is clearly the one he wants to prioritise. With very update I get more angry for you OP!

Oh dear!

Totally agree on the backdrop part and tbf, if it was a weekend in a holiday park etc I would probably work around it.
It is a festival though, and as someone who has attended countless festivals of all sizes, there is no chance in hell I would attempt to work around anything. You need more than one adult to three kids. They can be hectic.
I once took my son to Kendal, just me and him, and it was madness, and thats a family friendly one! I had to watch him like a hawk (he was a wanderer).
So, while I wouldn't cry, I would be really upset if my husband decided I was doing it alone with three kids because he deemed a lads holiday, that he does every year, as more important than a one off special event with his wife and kids.
I think we would agree on that?

Absolutely
but if he’s never ever done anything like this before - I’d think he was obviously desperate to go to it and yes disappointed but I’d let go and yes - tricky with 3 kids alone but given I’m a single parent, I view these things as my bread butter

against a back drop of shitty parenting, I wouldn’t want to go away with him. In fact I wouldn’t want to be with such a man full stop

Well I can’t imagine he’s been absolutely perfect and this is his first outing as a knob

OP has said this is a pattern of behaviour but it has never been so bad

Well indeed
so a bit of a Knob generally if what I read from all the OP’s posts

not someone I’d want to go away with let alone continue to be married to

Well indeed
so a bit of a Knob generally if what I read from all the OP’s posts

not someone I’d want to go away with let alone continue to be married to

Do you honestly think I sat & cried in front of them? Of course I didn’t! I’m crying in private. Crying that my husband has essentially chosen his friends over his daughter, and I’m crying because I actually don’t think I want to be married to someone who does that? Someone that doesn’t prioritise their children over themselves. You don’t know me!!! I’m not someone who cries at every life blip!

Oh agreed @Theywave it would be the last time he let me or our children down. The OP has said it is part of a pattern.
Also, when she said she had cried for 2 days I didn't take it as she had been flopping around the house wailing in front of the children.
If I cried, it would be out of frustration because it sounds like this has been put to her as a done deal.
He has done a shitty thing, so it is baffling me why posters are focusing on her being upset with him for doing the shitty thing.