Husband booked lads' holiday over daughter's birthday festival weekend

[JDIMum]

Looking for some advice please. My daughter age 8 is a huge Nathan Evans fan - Scottish singer for those of you not familiar. He is playing at a family festival in Edinburgh in August. Friends of ours are going with their children and making a weekend of it so we (my husband & our 3 kids age 11,8,6)thought we’d book to go as part of my daughter’s 9th birthday. Tickets were bought in January, accommodation sorted & paid for - we are staying at glamping pods where our friends are too.
Now my husband goes away with his friends once a year - they have a betting club together and they bet on the football each week - any wins they get the money goes in the pot for the holiday. At the weekend there my husband said they’d booked their betting club holiday. Fly on 19th August & back on 23rd. Straight away I said the festival is 21st-23rd???? Now my husband is super forgetful like really bad he never remembers dates for anything so has clearly forgot this was booked. I am absolutely fuming. I would never book a holiday without running dates past him - not to get his permission but just to let him know! First he’s mentioned it was the weekend & apparently it’s been booked for a few weeks???? Wtf? I said to him if he’d mentioned the dates I could have reminded him about the festival. I’ve since not spoken to him in 2 days. I’m so annoyed. He turned it back on me saying ‘I clearly don’t want him to go away with his friends & it’s always an issue’. I can assure you it’s never an issue!!!! I think it’s important for us both to go away with friends. We’ve been together 22 years & married for 12 I’ve never ever grudged him a boys holiday but I’m raging! I want him to either cancel his place or come back on the Friday night/Sat morning so he can still come with us! Am I being unreasonable????

Well said!

As it's his "mistake", I would ensure that he tells your daughter and your friends what has happened and why he is not going. Don't do this yourself.
I bet he will have no problem sorting himself out for his lads trip. I would make sure you are all away somewhere when he returns, so that he comes back to an empty home and empty fridge.
His priorities are all wrong and he needs to be accountable.
Are all of his lad friends married with kids?

Exactly this. Can't believe the first two replies. This is insanity. He needs to stick to his first plan and tell his friends he messed up. And why is he complaining about 'having' to spend time with his family and other friends. His child's birthday too. So he forgot about a booked trip and his daughter's birthday. Forgetfulness is not an excuse because he has the option of referring to a calendar and running things by his partner. He is a grown up ffs. Couldn't live with someone like that.

You can’t control other people’s behaviour no, but you are in control of your own behaviour and what you will tolerate in a spouse. The fact that OP’s DH hasn’t immediately worked out the correct course of action on his own is crappy enough. I also wouldn’t tolerate someone who capitulated to their obligations while whinging and moaning about missing out. Ugh. I’d rather be single.

His reaction suggests he did it on purpose.

I think it’s a hill to die on. For me, him gaslighting you into that old trope ‘It’s always a problem’ insinuating you have a problem with friends’ holiday when you don’t speaks volumes. I have a narcissist that does that and once you see it you can’t unsee it. He used to tell me to stop shouting when we were disagreeing and so I made it a habit to lower my voice and guess what? He says I shout 😂 they would say black is white believe me. I also am
not sure if your husband does forget or if it’s just easier for him to say he forgets.

he really expects you to take three kids away camping by yourself? Is that something you usually do? And obv that will affect the friends you go with as they will be picking up the slack.

he has messed up big time. He needs to cancel.

otherwise it show exactly where you and the kids are on his priority list.

Ok, fair enough. But if OP and her children were perfectly happy at the idea of going just the four of them, she wouldn’t have started this thread. I don’t think anyone (other than that one poster perhaps!) is suggesting that it’s impossible for the OP to take her children on her alone, she doesn’t need to prove that she can ‘manage on her own’ I’m sure she already knows that she can. And I presume she will still take the children whether the DH comes or not (unless I’ve missed an update saying otherwise). But for all the pragmatic reasons outlined on this thread, plus the fact that is it supposed to be a weekend of quality family time together, she would rather not have to. I know in my family’s case a weekend like this would be precious and looked forward to because we are usually all here there and everywhere.

OP can’t force her DH to come with them but she does have other options. I’m not saying I would divorce someone over this single act, but if was a pattern of behaviour (which let’s face it, it almost certainly is because decent, responsible men don’t do these things) then I absolutely would.

Don’t forget his reaction is a massive red flag too. Instead of being super apologetic, he’s gaslighting the OP and being argumentative.

We have enough information from the OP to get a good insight on the character of this man. Not only has he done this incredibly selfish thing, but he’s now behaving like a total bastard, gaslighting the OP, arguing and refusing even to apologise. Is this a man I would want to be married to? No. But we all have different standards, as evidenced by the trad wives and doormats found on this thread.

Sorry guys I’m absolutely overwhelmed by the comments 🥹. I have read them all but sooo many to reply to individually.
As I said I never post on here but actually felt I was going a bit loopy & wanted to check I was being reasonable. It’s nice to see the majority of you have reassured me I’m not a controlling bitch!
Firstly taking the kids to the festival myself is not off the cards. If I had to I absolutely would. Husband has worked away in the past so I’m used to dealing with the 3 kids myself. A festival is a bit daunting - I have never been to one with kids but I’d never disappoint them! This will be all their first ‘gig’ & like some of you have said this is a core memory for them I’d want to be there with them for that.
Update is husband has said when I msgd him today re. what his plans were that he didn’t want to lose all his money from the betting hol - I’m pretty sure someone could take his place so this does not wash with me. The tickets for the festival were also not cheap! All his friends are married with kids, they’ve been friends for years & they are a nice bunch if I’m honest. There’s probably about 15 of them in this betting club so I know it must have been difficult to get a weekend that suited but I just can’t get over the fact he didn’t run the dates past me. The more I think about it I think some of you are right…..deep down he knew there was a clash of dates there. He could have easily said that doesn’t suit or I’ll check those dates but he didn’t. If it was the other way around and he had his boys holiday booked & I mistakenly booked a family weekend that weekend I’d be mortified, I’d own my mistake & I’d cancel the family one & re-book for another time. It’s not difficult.

I also didn’t say he couldn’t go? He could absolutely go but come back a day or two early to honour his prior agreed arrangement. I’m not a needy wife. I’m a very independent person, we both have great circles of friends & I go my girls trips too but I can hand on heart say I’d never put him in this situation. He can be quite a selfish person, & he can sulk but I’m used to that & can deal with that. As for those of you that are saying I’m not setting out a good example to the kids by not speaking to him - they truthfully haven’t even noticed & I’d rather that than have a blazing row in front of them. Thanks for all the advice I honestly really appreciate it 🩷. Hopefully it sorts itself out over the next couple of days & if not I need to make some decisions.

Sounds like he’s going to go on the lads holiday and he’s got used to you coping without him around

Well what are you going to do? Divorce him? You are going to have to be ok with it one way or another. Have you got a family member or friend that could come instead of your husband that would enjoy it?

Is he missing your daughters actual birthday?

if the answer is no then you are being slightly unreasonable. You even say he likely forgot & yes he should maybe have mentioned it but how much control did he have on the dates.

you are being very unreasonable to not speak to him for 2 days, unless it is your daughters actual birthday day when the festival is on

I think missing the long-arranged family weekend away is just as bad if not worse than the actual birthday, if there are no particular plans for the day. Lots of people go to school/work on their birthdays and postpone celebrations for a time when everyone is free. I imagine he had plenty of control over the dates, do you think they were just pulled it out of a hat? Even if they really were the only dates that everyone else could do that year, he still had control over whether to go himself.

As others have said it seems hard to believe that he not only ‘forgot’ about the pre-arranged family trip, but then also conveniently omitted to confirm dates with his wife before booking.

I would bet that he knew from the beginning that the dates would clash, and it was always his intention to blame you.

I will be very surprised if he doesn't go on the lads' holiday.

He might tell you that he'll come back for the festival but I think he'll 'miss the flight', or have some other excuse why he can't get back for it.

Yes, I'm that cynical.

I think you need to let your friends know that he's probably not going to be there...

Right. I’ll tell PiL I’m sorry I forgot I’d agreed to help host their anniversary dinner at the weekend, but they are ridiculous for being annoyed that I’m missing it for a piss up with my mate because their actual anniversary was the Tuesday a week before hand.

Oh get lost, OP has done nothing wrong. So sick of trolls and incels desperate to somehow make it her fault.

There’s no plans on her actual birthday so I’d actually rather he missed that than this. Unreasonable? What do you suggest I do just be fine with him double booking & let him go on his boys trip that was booked 5 months after the family trip? Eh I don’t think so. So if your opinion is that I’m unreasonable then so be it! I could have asked for him to cancel the 2nd lot of plans he made like most people have suggested but I haven’t! I suggestion coming back a day or two early so I actually think I’m being VERY REASONABLE!

What’s his solution? He’s clearly prioritising the betting trip - the money excuse shows that. Did you put it to him that he’ll also lose money on the festival trip?

you really need to have it out with him. Does he always take you for granted as the default parent?

That's absolute bollocks. The festival is his daughter's birthday treat. It was also booked first. He obviously knew that there was a clash when he booked and paid for the lads' holiday, otherwise he would be mortified and apologetic and would cancel the lad's holiday rather than miss his daughter's treat.

He isn't doing that and he is the one who is sulking because OP hasn't pretended that what he has done is OK. He has a choice between going to the festival which was booked first specifically for his daughter's birthday and going on the lads' holiday. He has chosen the latter (which makes him sound like a pretty shit and selfish father) and is pissed off because OP isn't pretending that he has done nothing wrong.

So he didn’t want to lose his money for the trip , pwhhhhhh !
but he’s ok about upsetting his wife and letting his children and other friends down . Massive disrespect!

He’s not missing her birthday, he’s missing an event three weeks later.
You giving him the silent treatment is abusive (as is stated on MN every time a man does it to his wife).
Crying for two days about it is a total overreaction on your part and I have sympathy for him. Maybe you need to stop treating your children as the absolute centre of the universe 100% of the time if you are going to have such an unhealthily extreme reaction to a disappointing diary clash.

Right. He's missing the celebration he told her he'd go to - and in this instance, the hard work part.

We have enough information from the OP to get a good insight on the character of this man

If you think a few hundred words on Mumsnet written in hurt and anger from one point of view truly gives you 'enough information' to make any kind of concrete judgement on someone else's life then you're either very full of yourself or very naïve.