Husband booked lads' holiday over daughter's birthday festival weekend

[JDIMum]

Looking for some advice please. My daughter age 8 is a huge Nathan Evans fan - Scottish singer for those of you not familiar. He is playing at a family festival in Edinburgh in August. Friends of ours are going with their children and making a weekend of it so we (my husband & our 3 kids age 11,8,6)thought we’d book to go as part of my daughter’s 9th birthday. Tickets were bought in January, accommodation sorted & paid for - we are staying at glamping pods where our friends are too.
Now my husband goes away with his friends once a year - they have a betting club together and they bet on the football each week - any wins they get the money goes in the pot for the holiday. At the weekend there my husband said they’d booked their betting club holiday. Fly on 19th August & back on 23rd. Straight away I said the festival is 21st-23rd???? Now my husband is super forgetful like really bad he never remembers dates for anything so has clearly forgot this was booked. I am absolutely fuming. I would never book a holiday without running dates past him - not to get his permission but just to let him know! First he’s mentioned it was the weekend & apparently it’s been booked for a few weeks???? Wtf? I said to him if he’d mentioned the dates I could have reminded him about the festival. I’ve since not spoken to him in 2 days. I’m so annoyed. He turned it back on me saying ‘I clearly don’t want him to go away with his friends & it’s always an issue’. I can assure you it’s never an issue!!!! I think it’s important for us both to go away with friends. We’ve been together 22 years & married for 12 I’ve never ever grudged him a boys holiday but I’m raging! I want him to either cancel his place or come back on the Friday night/Sat morning so he can still come with us! Am I being unreasonable????

In your shoes, I’d say to DH it’s his error, it’s up to him to choose which one he misses. He has to be happy with the one he’s choosing and enjoy it either way

Yes, same.
It's his mess that he made, and it's him that needs to decide what to do about it.
If he's going to feel like he's forced into going and missing his usual trip away (which is his own stupid doing, but hey 🙄) he's going to drag the mood down anyway. Poor dd if she's spending her birthday with bad feelings on both your parts.
I'd be leaving him at home and going anyway.

No, I don’t accept this type of behaviour in a relationship. Full stop. You do you.

He’s not ‘not behaving how the OP think he should’. He’s done the wrong thing. In all objectivity he has done the wrong thing. It’s his job to fix it.

No, she doesn’t need to expend energy tending to his fuck up. She should tell him what she will accept and what she won’t accept. The ball is in his court.

He doesn’t want to go … that’s obvious.
It looks like you’ll either have to accept that or, as you’ve said, re-evaluate your relationship. It sounds like there are other issues as surely you don’t end a marriage with three kids over something like this.

So often, fathers seem to think they can shed fatherhood when it suits them, thinking the mums will just sort it all out. It's not ok, and he should cancel.

I also think you need to consider that he may be forgetful, but that there's some strategic incompetence going on here as well. Read up on it. Is he genuinely forgetful, or is he simply used to you, and previously his mum, doing all the thinking and remembering for him?

If he insists on going on this holiday when he has already made commitments to his wife and child first....then that speaks volumes about who he prioritises.

He's an adult, his choice which he does. But if he wants to go to lads holiday he has to be the one that explains it to daughter.

I don't understand why others don't think its a big deal. Plenty of adults get very offended when friends cancel on long standing plans because they 'got a better offer'. If this was a festival you'd planned with a friend and they dropped out because they got an offer to go on holiday with someone else everyone would be telling you to question the friendship.

This is a dad dropping out of his daughters long standing birthday celebration to go get pissed with his mates because thats what he would rather do. Its an awful message hes sending his child and she deserves much better. People shouldn't put up with shitty behaviour they wouldn't accept from others just because they're family.

Well, you will now.
”FYI, I’m off on a long weekend next week with the girls. What do you mean I didn’t tell you? Oops. Well it’s been booked for ages. Don’t make it an issue. That’s controlling. You know where everything is, you live here too. Byeeeeeeee” 👋

What a prick he is
Selfish

Not hard to put plans in your phone calendar is it. What an idiot.

He can also be the one to let your DD know why he is letting her down.

Just the toilet issues on their own would be a nightmare.

Yeah you're not being controlling or unreasonable. He's being an absolute arse - both in DARVOing you on this issue, and also immediately not saying himself, I'll come back early.

He booked and paid for the glamping pods. It's not like he didn't know about the festival - he was an active participant in planning it. Yes, shit slips your mind. This is the kind of shit my husband does all the time, but he would immediately rectify it - maybe with some disappointment in his voice, but he would accept that it's his fuck up to mend and a family birthday comes first.

If it wasn't a weekend festival with 3 kids, AND my daughter's birthday, I'd be like, you idiot, don't worry, we'll make it work.

But it's his own daughter's birthday, he was part of the planning, and it's super unreasonable to expect her to understand why Daddy isn't there, and for you to wrangle 3 kids in the wild on your own when there's no goddamn need. If it's going to be special for your daughter rather than just frazzled, it needs a couple of pairs of hands.

I would be furious. I don't know how he isn't under the patio. You're doing well.

Agreed, especially as OP says he has always run the dates by her for previous trips.

I reckon those were the only dates that worked for the group so he chose to "forget" about the festival rather than miss out on his holiday.

You & @NameChangeAgain48 do know single parents exist do you? I take on long haul flights, on long car journeys, train journeys, walking, to concerts, to the theatre, theme parks etc all perfectly well by myself.

I am very chilled about things usually but if my DH did this, he'd be cancelling the holiday or coming back early. Fortunately, he's not an idiot and I don't think he's screw up in this way but if he did, he would own it and sort it out.
Your DH had a prior arrangement with his family. That trumps his mistakenly booking a lads' trip. If he doesn't get that I'd be seriously pissed off.

So often, fathers seem to think they can shed fatherhood when it suits them, thinking the mums will just sort it all out.

That's because, as evidenced on this thread, lot's of Mums would.

OP isn’t a single parent though.

This. I’d be super pissed off that he conveniently seems to forget dates that are for other people but remembers ones that suit him. My husband is not dissimilar. At the end of the day you’ll still be going and your daughter will have a nice time.

Of course we bloidy know single parents exist. Those trips are your choices to make, though - the OP might not (for a range of reasons, including a child with specific needs) choose to do glamping at a festival on her own with her kids but was prepared to with her DH.

This in spades.

Is that acceptable to you...? only you can decide.

Everyone's different... I wouldn't stay married to him but I would not be okay with the gambling and I particularly wouldnt be okay with the gambling with kids in the picture so i'd have been done long before this....

I would be absolutely furious. The only option for him is to amend or cancel his lads’ holiday and he should do that immediately. If nothing else, it is exceptionally rude to you and your friends for him to book something new after you booked your event so long ago.

This is a black-and-white issue for me and he needs to cancel.

and he should not make you feel guilty about it. This is his problem and his to sort.

Did your daughter know about your plans ?

Absolutely. HE is potentially doing this, not her.

This IS a hill I would die on although OP shouldn't have to.

His immediate response should have been along the lines of 'Oh shi*t, I forgot, I fucked up, I'll fix it. Obviously I'll be doing the festival with you and the DCs and our friends like we planned.'

The fact it wasn't, and not only that, but he's tried to make the OP feel bad about it and pretend it's because she doesn't want him to go on a holiday with his mates is utter rubbish. THey do it every year; it's a red herring non-issue. His failure to calendar like a grown up and check dates is the issue, not OP. And he needs to put his hands up, apologise, and sort it out.

OP should not sort it for him (flights, travel, etc). He should tell his mates he can't go entirely or sort out cutting it short and getting to the festival on his own. And he best not let his family down.

I mean it’s a mistake I could make and I always honour the first booking ( ok happens a lot even with a diary - I have a multiple list problem )

The mistake may be ‘forgiveable’. But if he does not cancel the lads’ holiday and misses the daughter’s festival? That is not.

Yes he's done the wrong thing. But simply saying 'fix it' and expecting him to do exactly as you want is just performatively throwing your weight around. What are the consequences if he doesn't?

Again, you may decide this incident is worth initiating divorce over. That's up to you.