Husband booked lads' holiday over daughter's birthday festival weekend

[JDIMum]

Looking for some advice please. My daughter age 8 is a huge Nathan Evans fan - Scottish singer for those of you not familiar. He is playing at a family festival in Edinburgh in August. Friends of ours are going with their children and making a weekend of it so we (my husband & our 3 kids age 11,8,6)thought we’d book to go as part of my daughter’s 9th birthday. Tickets were bought in January, accommodation sorted & paid for - we are staying at glamping pods where our friends are too.
Now my husband goes away with his friends once a year - they have a betting club together and they bet on the football each week - any wins they get the money goes in the pot for the holiday. At the weekend there my husband said they’d booked their betting club holiday. Fly on 19th August & back on 23rd. Straight away I said the festival is 21st-23rd???? Now my husband is super forgetful like really bad he never remembers dates for anything so has clearly forgot this was booked. I am absolutely fuming. I would never book a holiday without running dates past him - not to get his permission but just to let him know! First he’s mentioned it was the weekend & apparently it’s been booked for a few weeks???? Wtf? I said to him if he’d mentioned the dates I could have reminded him about the festival. I’ve since not spoken to him in 2 days. I’m so annoyed. He turned it back on me saying ‘I clearly don’t want him to go away with his friends & it’s always an issue’. I can assure you it’s never an issue!!!! I think it’s important for us both to go away with friends. We’ve been together 22 years & married for 12 I’ve never ever grudged him a boys holiday but I’m raging! I want him to either cancel his place or come back on the Friday night/Sat morning so he can still come with us! Am I being unreasonable????

My partner is super forgetful with dates so runs everything past me before making plans. Since having children he wouldn’t even book a round of golf without running it by me. I’m not his keeper and I have no issue with him having his own leisure time, but you can’t just book what you want and expect your partner to cover childcare.
In this situation my partner would immediately agree that this was his error and offer to cancel the trip.

Sorry - but THIS would be the hill i die on - it will show you what/who he prioritises and the facts he has turned it around on you makes it 100 times worse. I am cynical and think he probably didnt want to go the concert with you - but thats just me. If he didn't reconsider the dates - that, for me, would be the end. Its priorities.

And i have no fucking idea why some poster says she got 'cool wife points' - wtf is that even.🙄

Tell him to make a decision here and now. If he chooses the lads holiday let him run on, can you bring a sister or older niece/nephew with you for a bit of help at the festival? Then I’d be booking a week in the sun without him and the kids. Let him sort work, schedules etc after

I’d die on this hill.

Leaving you to go to a festival on your own with 3 kids is completely unacceptable that would be hideous. It’s his mess up either he cancels boys trip completely or comes back early.

If I was the other family I would also be fuming. We have been put in this situation before and we were so cross as completely changes the dynamics for them too when it’s just you vs going as 2 couples.

@JDIMum I don't believe he'd forgotten, as others have said, he knew you'd 'remind him' of his prior commitment to his family if he ran the dates past you, and as he wanted to go, he booked it without checking with you if there were any clashes. That way, he can feign ignorance and forgetfulness.

I'd be saying that if he doesn't cancel it, he may as well not come home. I'd be fuming if he put his mates above his family, and I don't think I'd be able to get over that. .

The fact that he's been so defensive and turned it back on you says that he's feeling guilty and knows he's in the wrong.

I reckon that's because he's been caught out and he knew exactly what he was doing at the time of booking the lads' trip, and he's annoyed that you haven't capitulated and excused it as 'silly, forgetful dh'... of course you can go now it's booked.
Instead you've done what most ppl would do and are asking him to prioritise the commitment he'd already made to his family.

Good luck, and sympathies 💐

Why do we constantly make excuses for men? Whatever your Husband decides to do is essentially between you and him. BUT I am sick of hearing ‘ oh he just forgot’ ‘he doesn’t know dates etc etc’ would we be making the same excuses if this was a woman ????
He should have checked these dates before booking ( yes irrelevant now) but he should have. We make our lives more difficult by accepting standards below our own.

Wouldn’t be doing FA for “brownie points” either I’m not a child needing rewarding and neither is OP

Hes unreasonable. He has 3 kids and a wife. He absolutely needs to check with his wife before booking holidays especially if he has a shit memory. He needed to check if you have commitments that weekend but also if you are happy to solo parent for the period hes away. As he booked the family trip first he needs to follow through on tbat commitment. I wouldng want to be at a festival and sole responsible for 3 kids. All the kids won't want to do the same thing at the same time. You are only 1 person.

You're right - lots of little not the end of the worlds add up. In which case, the relationship may well be on the rocks any way.

But your ridiculous 'I would let him know he's not welcome home afterwards' in reaction to someone not behaving how you think they should is untenable. Especially in a marriage which is a marathon, not a sprint. Divorce, or don't, but people will annoy/hurt/disappoint you in all walks of life - throwing them out or threatening a massive ultimatum every time is just not reasonable.

Absolutely this

Your twatty scolding of OP is unfair and misplaced. It would be fine if you were talking to her husband because he is the one who has either fucked up the dates, or has lied about 'forgetting' his daughter's birthday treat.

He should have apologised and told his friends that he has double booked and needs to cancel going on the lads' holiday.

'Get a grip', 'grow up' and 'you sound like hard work' are phrases that are always used by the sort of posters who lack empathy and can't wait to kick the OP while she is down.

You can lay down the law to him all you like - he's not reading this and it won't make a blind bit of difference

What I'm saying is that OP has ways open to her to manipulate him into getting what she wants (ie a good outcome for her and her daughter), or at least as close to it as possible. And that's what she should focus on. If she's too blinded by rage to think & speak tactically, she risks losing more than she otherwise would.

I would be pissed off about it. But what’s done is done. He will miss out, you, your daughter, and friends go and have a lovely time.

Us women tend to be the social gatekeepers/planners but we can’t remember everything, and it’s not for us to micro manage. Without our sounding like a corporate wanker, you need a lessons learned so this doesn’t happen again. There are some fabulous digital family calendars and I’m sure there are apps you can both use which would flag up a conflict before any commitments are made.

Sort the process and the rest will take care of itself!

I don’t agree. He needs to find a way to navigate the (perfectly reasonable on OP’s part) ill feeling he has caused, it isn’t the OP’s job. This is a situation entirely of his making. The OP finding ways to be ok with poor treatment so as not to cause a stink is just papering over the cracks and avoiding facing the possible reality that he isn’t as invested in the family as he should be. Avoiding facing up to it doesn’t make it any less true.

I don’t know if I’d necessarily divorce over this incident alone, but I certainly wouldn’t be exerting myself to find ways to navigate him treating the family so poorly. That’s entirely on him to find a way to fix what he broke. Of course, there’s a risk that he just wouldn’t bother, but then that would tell me everything I needed to know about his regard for his wife and family.

When you blow off a previous arrangement (and in this case, an arrangement for his daughter’s birthday that is clearly very important to her), people are going to have strong feelings about that. Being faced with those strong feelings is a natural consequence of making that decision. Other choices are available if he doesn’t like it.

Well ideally she wouldn't be in this situation, but now that she is yeah, I guess they're the options. Maybe he'll have an amazing time at the family festival and it'll be so good he'll forget his mates are all on holiday and he's missed out and so it won't be an issue. But I can guarantee if I'd had to miss out on doing something I enjoy to attend a family festival, I'd be miffed most of the weekend, even if it was my fault I'd double booked.

Should absolutely be the second trip that gets cancelled.

How childish to ruin everyone else’s weekend away - wife, kids and longstanding friends

I'd be fuming too, crap of him to forget like that.
Not to speak for two days as a result though?!
Can't stand that sort of sulking shit, so for that YABU. It's awful

Do you think single parents just don't do anything with their children? Why would it be hideous?

Unless you're swingers, how does it change the dynamics?

Ignore the nonsense about “poor menz, their dicks will shrivel without their their boys weekends”.

He’s a grown arsed man with three children. If his memory is that bad he needs to use one of the many free calendars available rather than just behave selfishly and expect everyone to jump around his selfishness. Does he forget important clients or jobs at work or is it one of these poor memories that only applies to stuff he can dump on you?

He agreed to the birthday weekend, he made a commitment to his children and the friends you are going to be with. He fucked up. He needs to grow up and cancel his betting club weekend.

Im just imagining if this was the other way around and a mum booked a girls trip the weekend of her 9 year old daughter's birthday celebration!

Seriously....I'd be so disgusted by this. A man who can't even prioritise his own child.

In the age of smartphones, tablets, laptops, etc. he can't even find the wherewithal to add things to a calendar with alarms and reminders and immediate access to the information he'd need for booking the trip?
Weaponised incompetence.

Then tells you you always have an issue, when you don't, to make it your fault?
Gaslighting.

Trip booked for weeks but never told ran the dates by you, like he usually does, or told you he'd even booked it?
I think he knew and deliberately lied by omission because you'd freak out, because why wouldn't you?!

And now he isn't going to cancel?
Which one is the priority; going on a lads holiday or his family holiday, for his child's birthday, that was booked first months ago?
Is he willing to lose his wife and family relationship for it?
He needs to make that decision and if he chooses the family but acts like a moody arsehole the whole time that counts as choosing the lads because he'd clearly rather be there than with all of you.

I’d be furious if my DH missed something like this. 3 children at a festival is hard bloody work ( yes I know single parents exist, yes I’m sure lots of wives would pack their husbands off with a blow job and a cheery wave and not care, yes I’m sure lots of mumsnet mums wouldn’t see this as a ‘big deal’ etc etc but I would and clearly the OP does)

it’s horrible now though because your choices are all crap; either he cancels the boys trip and resents you (he shouldn’t but it would somehow be your fault) and goes to the festival in a mood or he goes on the boys trip and you resent him for putting his friends above you and the family. No one wins here and everyone saying oh silly man with his forgetful ways is why men are allowed to be shitty and get away with stuff like this all the time because we never hold them accountable and they are so quick to make everything our fault

What on earth are wife points? Your story reads like you are selling the acceptance of poor behaviour as a cool thing.

In this case it’s shit lazy selfish behaviour.

Does he not know when his own daughter’s birthday weekend is booked for? Why not?

A grown man managing their diary in this day and age should be standard behaviour to be expected from an adult.