Husband booked lads' holiday over daughter's birthday festival weekend

[JDIMum]

Looking for some advice please. My daughter age 8 is a huge Nathan Evans fan - Scottish singer for those of you not familiar. He is playing at a family festival in Edinburgh in August. Friends of ours are going with their children and making a weekend of it so we (my husband & our 3 kids age 11,8,6)thought we’d book to go as part of my daughter’s 9th birthday. Tickets were bought in January, accommodation sorted & paid for - we are staying at glamping pods where our friends are too.
Now my husband goes away with his friends once a year - they have a betting club together and they bet on the football each week - any wins they get the money goes in the pot for the holiday. At the weekend there my husband said they’d booked their betting club holiday. Fly on 19th August & back on 23rd. Straight away I said the festival is 21st-23rd???? Now my husband is super forgetful like really bad he never remembers dates for anything so has clearly forgot this was booked. I am absolutely fuming. I would never book a holiday without running dates past him - not to get his permission but just to let him know! First he’s mentioned it was the weekend & apparently it’s been booked for a few weeks???? Wtf? I said to him if he’d mentioned the dates I could have reminded him about the festival. I’ve since not spoken to him in 2 days. I’m so annoyed. He turned it back on me saying ‘I clearly don’t want him to go away with his friends & it’s always an issue’. I can assure you it’s never an issue!!!! I think it’s important for us both to go away with friends. We’ve been together 22 years & married for 12 I’ve never ever grudged him a boys holiday but I’m raging! I want him to either cancel his place or come back on the Friday night/Sat morning so he can still come with us! Am I being unreasonable????

Hi op he’s turning it around on you because he’s an arsehole you just say to him this was booked first and with you not mentioning it to me to remind you about the festival is not my fault so I hope you plan to rearrange your lads holiday. It’s not about control it’s about respect and courtesy to check if you were available to be on hand the week he is away. If he’s done it deliberately then that’s another issue.

Yeah i agree OP. Its something to discuss, I probably would say to my DH to go and take the kids on my own. My DH is shit with dates and doesnt always think to check properly, he also 'omits' info and as a result I hold a lot of resentment towards him. I dont feel massively happy in my marriage as a result.

Dear wife occasionally does this double booking because she doesn’t check the dates properly ( dates that are in the shared calendar, on the wall calendar AND she reminded off!) BUT each time has stuck with the family plans and cancelled the thing she doubled booked. Everytime.
I suspect though that your DH knew but did t want to miss out given that he booked the glamping etc himself.

To miss a kids birthday and leave you with 3 kids to hand = no, sorry mate. Miss the lads holiday.
TBF though who wouldn’t rather go off child free with mates given the chance??

I don’t buy that he made a mistake or forgot. He would have had to check he could get time off work, and should have checked that OP was available to look after the children in his absence. His reaction when OP didn’t just defer to him reinforces my view.
Personally I would rather bathe in a pond full of Piranhas than go glamping with 3 kids, but he agreed to this trip.
It’s not clear if it’s actually possible for the OP to go alone. Is the trip long enough that it’s necessary to share driving? DH and I had an agreement that when one of us was driving the other was responsible for keeping the children entertained/ under control.
I KNOW that some people are lone parents, but OP is not. If she was used to dealing with the 3 children alone, and planned a trip to a festival that would be different. She hasn’t chosen to do that.
I agree that OP shouldn’t criticise her DH to the children, however hard that might be. It is 100% up to her DH to explain to his daughter why she is less important to him than an annual lads trip.

Does he not know how to set reminders on his 'phone??? Bloody hell!

I’m definitely not controlling I’m not asking him to run dates by me so I can say he can or cannot go. It’s more to check there’s nothing else on. Just the same as if I was booking a girls holiday (which I have in September) I would double check with him he was ok to take time off work for childcare etc. I just think that’s common courtesy. I’m sure you’d never just go ahead and book a holiday without mentioning dates you were thinking of to your other half.

It is not controlling to expect basic consideration and manners from your partner. Although some men will tell you it is!

Honestly, if there is just one piece of weaponry a man keeps in his arsenal it’s the ‘I forgot’ card. They never forget what’s important to them like what time they are teeing off or what time they are meeting their mates at the pub, or what time the match starts! I do wish women would stop falling for this. They all have mobiles with calendars and reminders on them. in this day and age there is no excuse for forgetting. I’m post menopausal, I can barely remember my own name some days which is exactly why I rely on technology, lists and sticky notes so that I don’t let other people down.

@JDIMum i’m afraid I agree, it is a hill to die on. Your arrangements were made first and he is committed to that. if he doesn’t change his arrangements then that would tell me where his priorities lie. Already his DARVO reaction to his own ‘faux pas’ is classic. I don’t think I could get past it.

Do ten ‘cool wife points’ get you one ‘pick me girl’ medal I wonder?

Honestly, if there is just one piece of weaponry a man keeps in his arsenal it’s the ‘I forgot’ card.

Yes - " I forgot" AND "you are being controlling"

All these people saying give him a choice….. bollocks! This was booked first. End of. Move your lads weekend and he will have to tell them he completely forgot he was away for his daughters birthday. No discussion. Give him the choice! LOL. 😂

A lot of men can’t get out of the mindset that the mum is default parent and will pick up their slack

You booked first and you’re also family, his literal spouse and children so come first. A decent man would admit the mistake to his mates and see whether the holiday dates could be changed, if not he’d drop out of that holiday and lose the money. He’s an idiot if he still goes with them and misses the family trip.

There’s nothing performative about not accepting shit behaviour in your marriage.

He made the mistake. He is objectively in the wrong. He fixes it – simple.

Everyone needs to stop framing this as ‘an incident’. It won’t be isolated and it won’t be out of character. If it truly was then your spouse is infinitely more likely to have a softer reaction. And THAT’S what makes a good marriage.

Of course they do. No one is saying that but that’s not the situation here.

It won’t be the same weekend as planned/envisioned. It is different, maybe the OP will feel like a gooseberry when the kids are in the tents asleep and they are sitting around chatting.

Yes she can go on her own but equally yes she has a right to be pissed off that the husband has double booked himself AFTER this was planned and he’s not accepting responsibility of what he’s done instead trying to make her feel bad.

I’ve got tickets to see Nathan Evan’s in Melbourne Australia so I think this is totally your husbands loss, he is a wonderful singer and entertainer. I hope your daughter has a wonderful birthday weekend.

Well, that's one way of doing it. Personally I couldn't be that passive - "up to you, DH, ball's in your court". If it's my family and my happiness at stake, I'd want to be more involved than that.

So call a lawyer.

I would be annoyed but I think silent treatment is childish. I think it sounds like you have enabled his “forgetfulness”.

I would be more annoyed if he refused to cancwl his lads holiday though.

She isnt a single parent. She is married and chose to do something on the basis that her husband would be attending. I do a lot on my own with my kids. We do museums, art galleries, parks, swimming, sea life centre, zoo and UK holidays. There are things I wouldnt do on my own with them like theme park ot a festival because of the logistics of it. They had a plan as a couple and he should stick to that.

But even the fact he just booked….seems like he thinks he’s a single man and has ignored that he has a family which likely means commitments so common sense would mean you check.

Heck I check my diary before committing to things and I am in a single person household!

Yep - he takes for granted that OP will pick up his slack and she will be there

I have done a festival with 1 child and 2 parents and it’s full on it’s not like anything else. 1 parents trying to keep 3 kids amused all wanting to do different things all while trying to not lose one would be exhausting that isn’t a fun break that is and endurance test and. However my child is very full on and wanders off and super easy to lose. I would just about do a festival on my own with 1 kid but wouldn’t do it with 3 kids on my own to be honest I would prefer to lose the money and not go or maybe I am just not as good at parenting as you are. It is meant to be a fun break not an endurance test.

Definitely not swingers 😂 however being 2 couples is different to 2 parents and 1 other parent it is just a different dynamic sorry if you don’t like it and I get not everyone in a relationship so this isn’t possible and also everyone prefers different things. I do plenty of stuff with single parent friends or just with other Mum’s but if we were going away with another couple that’s what I would be looking forward to I would also feel guilty about them having to look after 3 kids on their own so feel I would have to offer to help.

Ach, my dozy husband booked a trip to the US to see his american football team. He was away for our daughter's 18th birthday. He's never lived it down. It's a bit of a family joke now. She made him bring her expensive cosmetics from Duty Free and I'm pretty sure still uses it as leverage when she wants something. It's done. He's f*cked up. Hopefully he can get an earlier flight but if not, enjoy the festival and make sure your daughter has a cracking time.

He didn't forget, he knew when the dates were but chose to go away with his mates.

As a parent and spouse you would back out of committed family plans, let down your children and spouse to go party with your mates? Ditching your partner to manage the kids alone which was not the original agreement?

Yikes.