Partner ended engagement at 22 weeks pregnant and now will not speak

[CharlieBrown123]

I am 22 weeks pregnant and my partner broke up with me a few days ago and now won’t talk to me.

We met in December, and the pregnancy was a complete accident - when I found out I was pregnant I felt really upset as I wasn’t sure how a termination would affect me emotionally, but after talking it through with him he was really keen to support me and for us to have the baby together despite only having known each other a short time.

I was invited to move into his house and we started going to all the appointments together, he would cry at scans saying I was his forever person and he was so excited to have a family with me. He proposed and the wedding was set for the 1st July so that we’d be married before the baby came along. A couple of weeks ago he took me to Norway to meet his family and nephews who were so excited to have a new cousin.

We did sometimes argue, well it was more a case of me just randomly crying, particularly in the first trimester, but I was assured this was a normal part of pregnancy and he was generally supportive.

On Wednesday, on our morning dog walk and quite out of the blue he broke off the engagement, he then told me I had to leave the house that day. When I tried to have a conversation about how I could survive financially through maternity leave he said he would not be providing support as he would get lawyers involved to ensure he had 50/50 custody. I have barely heard from him since apart from a few messages about arranging to have my belongings delivered back to my flat.

I have sought the advice of a solicitor and now know what my rights are, and a lovely lady at universal credit helped me understand how to support myself through maternity leave so I know that from a financial and legal perspective, everything will be fine. Emotionally I am still so shocked and confused by his behaviour, and not sure how someone can go from one day saying how becoming a family is the best thing that’s ever happened to them, to the next not even wanting to know me.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Does pregnancy sometimes have this effect on men? I really feel like I need some answers but I know I won’t get them from him.

I’m sorry you are going through this, unfortunately this does happen to a lot of young couples when the fella just want s to own you or tag you ? And leave . He has probably realised the financial implications and not thought things through. The 50/50 custody This rarely happens with newborns? He will probably still have to pay you/csa large percentage of his wages .

I think you have to think really carefully about whether you want to persue child maintenance, and that should influence whether you add him on the birth certificate. If he has parental responsibility he can manipulate situations throughout your life. Is it worth it for whatever CM you’ll receive? Vs if you go it alone, the freedom this will give you. I can tell you now, this man is not one you can depend on. And even if he came back tomorrow with his tail between his legs, you would always wonder if you’ll wake up one day and it’ll all be over.

Wow I’m so sorry he sounds particularly horrible!

He is more likely to give you answers if you don’t push or beg for them. Play it very cool and factual - don’t him the satisfaction of seeing you cry. Tell him you want everything in the best interest of the baby and therefore he should try to make things amicable.

Tell him no court in the UK will do what he’s suggesting. He won’t get 50:50 custody while the baby is young. You have a right to exclusively breast feed in which case he definitely cannot have any overnights until that is ends which could be a whole year.

You do not need to let him see the baby alone either. If you “can’t” find work locally and move away to find work, he will have to come and visit the baby at your house while the baby is so young - you won’t be expected to drive hours with a newborn.

Can you move in with your mum for a while until you find your feet? (If you have a mum that is). You might feel stronger dealing with him if you have your parents present.

He sounds like a dickhead. But you have been really reckless. Choosing to have a baby with someone you don't know is one choice, but moving in with him and planning to marry him is another level. When you decided to keep the baby you should have been extremely clear that it was a choice to be a single parent more likely than not, and a choice to take the risk of the father being literally any kind of arsehole from dickhead to domestic abuser. You were also making the choice to risk having to share care of your child with someone whose character you don't know.
Sadly it seems you didn't think about any of those aspects and chose to believe a relative stranger when he made promises to you. You need to wise up and harden up. You need to protect your child from harmful influences which sadly may include its own father.

If she doesn't put him on the BC he can still pursue contact! It makes no difference

What has this effect on men is a random woman he barely knows getting pregnant almost immediately. He is probably freaking out and the enormity of the situation has dawned on him.

He can, but he’ll have to go through the courts first.

Bless him. Poor guy.
If only there were options for men who wanted sex without the risk of pregnancy…

Large percentage? Doesn't touch the sides of the cost more like

Does pregnancy sometimes have this effect on men?

yep and its hit him like a brick so he doing the cowardly thing and running away instead.

The realisation that his life is going to change, ending and baby within 5 months from now.

This is totally unfair on you. What I would say is thank fuck he has done this now and not on the 2 July

How he thinks he is going to care for a newborn (breast fed) baby 50/50 and hold down a job is fantasy. Hard for you to listen to all this crap

Concentrate on sorting yourself out, for now and take one day at a time with the pg. Id not contact him, you don't need to contact hm for anything - there is no requirement for you to let him know anything - so don't text or phone or email at all, go radio silence.

I agree, it's probably the enormity of the situation that has hit him. This has all evolved far too quickly. Six months ago he didn't even know you and already you're a fiancé, living in his home, and half way through a pregnancy. These are all enormous life changes.

However, he has an idealised view of how things will be when the baby arrives. There's no way he'll get 50:50 immediately, so can be pursued for CSA. It's all very well people saying leave him off the birth certificate but he can demand a DNA test to prove paternity, and it's every child's right to know their father, regardless of their character. Hopefully you'll want to, and will be successful at breastfeeding, so can set the pace initially with short, supervised visits from him. If he's from another country then be the one to get baby's first passport organised and keep it locked away.

You're mixing up several issues. You suggested she shouldn't pursue child maintenance which is completely separate to contact. He will have to go to court for contact whether he's on the BC or not.

What the hell?! She’s not a “random woman” she was his girlfriend and then fiancé. Some people have whirlwind romances and pregnancies and they stay together for life.

Mature adult men who know what they want and are decent men are completely capable of committing and loving a woman in the OP’s circumstances. This man is just an arsehole who’s changed his mind in the cruelest way!

I agree with this advice.
Don’t put him on the birth certificate.
Don’t get back together with him, he’s shown you who he is.
Do pursue child maintenance. Don’t be bullied by him. He will not be given 50-50 for a newborn and this is likely an empty threat anyway aimed at getting out of financial responsibility.

As you are not married if you turn up to register the Childs birth alone, you are not permitted to put his name on the birth certificate.

Its not a case of having a choice, he needs to be with you to register the birth to have his name entered on the birth certificate
If that is what happens, as he is not in contact with you - maybe his solicitor will advise him on this maybe he won't

It doesn't mean you can't pursue him for chid maintenance and have a DNA test if he denies parentage (which he may decide to do)

for now though, hard as it maybe concentrate on yourself and keeping healthy going through your pregnancy, get your friends around you and hopefully family support. Make plans for you and your baby

Do you not work OP? Who has been paying for you for the last 6 months?

You got pregnant within a couple of weeks of knowing each other and quickly got engaged and moved in together. It’s too quick and unfortunately I’m not surprised he’s left although it’s shit. He won’t get 50/50 for the first year. He needs to pay up. I also wouldn’t say this is an accident unless the condom broke and you have a coil that’s moved.

I did not suggest she shouldn’t pursue CM I said she should consider whether she plans to. I have no opinion on a strangers finances.

Putting him on the BC gives him parental responsibility. If she doesn’t intend on going for CM then she needs to consider whether the agg associated with him having parental responsibility is worth it. If she requires CM then she should ofc try to get him on the BC, and will have to manage the split parental responsibility aspects.

And it seems you’re now mixing contact, with parental responsibility. They’re two different things.

Looks like benefits will be picking it all up so he needn’t worry…

If she’s worried about maternity leave specifically as per her OP, then it would suggest she has a job, maybe just not one with great maternity benefits.

I hope so for everyone sake!

No I'm not.
If she requires CM then she should ofc try to get him on the BC, and will have to manage the split parental responsibility aspects.
Why do you say this? They are unconnected.

Just to answer the queries:

a) The condom did break
b) I am employed and able to support myself apart from in maternity leave, where the pay won’t cover my mortgage and other bills, perhaps a wider discussion needs to be had around maternity pay considering the government keeps expressing their concern about declining birth rates but that wasn’t the purpose of my post.

I am appreciative of the advice and feedback - not the few characters who still appear to believe that an unplanned pregnancy is entirely the fault of the woman, but I suppose that is to be expected in an online forum.

In general, Thankyou for the support and advice 🙏

Are you saying that the presence of a second parent on the BC does not = parental responsibilities?

Let’s not try and make this a feminist or government issue, OP. Regardless of the background noise you need to be in control of your own life. Parenthood is one long exercise is accountability and having to show up. I’m sympathetic to your situation and think your ex man is a grade A shit but imminent parenthood means you now have to focus on you, and what you can do for your new child. Not everyone else