Partner ended engagement at 22 weeks pregnant and now will not speak

[CharlieBrown123]

I am 22 weeks pregnant and my partner broke up with me a few days ago and now won’t talk to me.

We met in December, and the pregnancy was a complete accident - when I found out I was pregnant I felt really upset as I wasn’t sure how a termination would affect me emotionally, but after talking it through with him he was really keen to support me and for us to have the baby together despite only having known each other a short time.

I was invited to move into his house and we started going to all the appointments together, he would cry at scans saying I was his forever person and he was so excited to have a family with me. He proposed and the wedding was set for the 1st July so that we’d be married before the baby came along. A couple of weeks ago he took me to Norway to meet his family and nephews who were so excited to have a new cousin.

We did sometimes argue, well it was more a case of me just randomly crying, particularly in the first trimester, but I was assured this was a normal part of pregnancy and he was generally supportive.

On Wednesday, on our morning dog walk and quite out of the blue he broke off the engagement, he then told me I had to leave the house that day. When I tried to have a conversation about how I could survive financially through maternity leave he said he would not be providing support as he would get lawyers involved to ensure he had 50/50 custody. I have barely heard from him since apart from a few messages about arranging to have my belongings delivered back to my flat.

I have sought the advice of a solicitor and now know what my rights are, and a lovely lady at universal credit helped me understand how to support myself through maternity leave so I know that from a financial and legal perspective, everything will be fine. Emotionally I am still so shocked and confused by his behaviour, and not sure how someone can go from one day saying how becoming a family is the best thing that’s ever happened to them, to the next not even wanting to know me.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Does pregnancy sometimes have this effect on men? I really feel like I need some answers but I know I won’t get them from him.

So what’s the purpose of advising a pregnant woman to not put the father’s name on the birth certificate?

I haven’t had any responses saying that my ex should have had a precautionary vasectomy, only that I was reckless for relying on a condom. I also cannot use hormonal contraception due to the effect it has on existing medical conditions and was advised against getting a copper coil when I went to a consultation. Again, I have been really shocked at some of the comments as I thought this was a space for women to support each other.

I’m really sorry you have been on the receiving end of such unkindness. It’s been so horrible to read. I hope it hasn’t stressed you out even more.

There are plenty of us here who do support you, please believe that. Please also ignore the catbum-faced, pearl clutching bossy boots who are being very unkind. What this man has done is cruel, even if he has genuinely taken fright. He should have sat you down and talked to you properly, given you at least a few days notice before he booted you out of the house, discussed how he saw mutual parenting in the future. He did none of that and he should be utterly ashamed. Hopefully one day he will be.
The most important thing now is that you can move forward into the future with your baby and make the two of you a happy and secure future. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you find plenty of kindness in the future.

Hi op I would advise you to ignore the negative people they just like to judge this is a forum for opinions we all have them right or wrong but you are now in a situation you can’t get out of so like you said it’s all irrelevant what’s gone on your pregnant your having the baby manchild has ran away like a fucking big baby himself you owe him nothing he walked away his choice you don’t have to give him any access to the baby if you choose not to. If he had been responsible and talked to you then maybe but he doesn’t own you it’s your body your choice. I would suggest leaving him to it. The people saying he’s rights he might have but he threw them away.

OP, to be quite frank, what does it really matter right now whether this poster is an economist or not? Debating the maternity pay right now is a total waste of your energy - creating a better scenario for you and your child is a much better use of your time!

Have you got a support network? How financially stable are you in the event the father returns to Norway? Assume the worst and hope for the best, OP!

You're not getting it, OP. It was never his responsibility to have a "precautionary vasectomy" - anyone can change their mind as to whether they want kids and a vasectomy reversal is expensive! And also not guaranteed!

You're still hung up on The Blame. It won't matter when your baby is up all night. It won't matter when your baby is getting their first jabs. It won't matter.

Hi op, my ex did this to me after pregnancy was planned and his idea and he’d proposed about six weeks before. You will be ok!
Don’t contact him at all, try to move to the area you want to be in, the further away the better if he’s going to try it on with 5050 of a newborn, don’t put him on birth certificate immediately but give dads surname name as a middle name (so he can’t force you to double barrel it with his later like mine did)
don’t debate 5050 with him he can’t have this with a newborn. Don’t tell him about scans or when baby is born wait for him to be in touch. Start a new email just for him and do all correspondence on there so you have written eveidence, no chats. If he wants to meet baby then let him after 6-8 weeks and visits little and often, eg 1-2 times a week for 1-2 hours with you there at first (your home if you’re happy or the community eg a children’s centre). When baby is bigger he can start doing buggy walks locally and nappy changes and feeds if you’re not breastfeeding.
keep emphasizing to him ‘I think dads are really important and I will ensure you two have a relationship and quality time together that keeps increasing as the baby is ready for it.’ So he doesn’t do a panic court application. Offer mediation with him too and engage him in it.
only apply to child maintenance if you really need the money and as it will make it easier to find you.

He just wanted sex. When it came to anything else he wasn't really interested.

The certificate is a legal document that recognises the legal rights of a parent or parents, that have accepted parental responsibility from day one.

I'm sorry @letmebetheone

The posters telling the OP to make sure he isn't on the birth certificate see it as punishing the father for some reason. Same as moving far away and denying him info/access. Despite 2 people making a series of bad decisions, one should now be punished. They are not considering the child, it's all about the father.
The child is the only weapon the OP has to pay him back for apparently being 'mean' and backing out of the 5 minute relationship 🤷‍♀️

Responses point out "well, she can't put him on the bc...." Uh, yeah, she can. They can have an adult conversation about it and go from there. If that's what he wants, the child should have that

My DDs father is not on the birth certificate as punishment, he is not on it because he couldn’t be bothered to turn up. I waited until the last day of the 6 weeks that was within the law. He knew. 1993. It’s never too late to learn is it?

If the man wants to be on, it’s for him to approach the mother and arrange to be there.

I cannot picture any scenario where the mum should be chasing the man to attend the registry office.

What utter hogwash, you have completely misrepresented the OP's situation.

If that's what he wants

Pretty important caveat there. He has to be at the registrars in person or sign a statutory declaration of parentage.

Random woman is unkind and demeaning. They were in a relationship, even if a very new one.

I will never understand why some MB posters want to undercut other women who come here looking for support. If that was not your intention then I apologize, but please think about the impact of your wording.

I think your opinion is short-sighted and wrong. No one is using their baby to punish anyone. Using her last name and keeping him off the bc is an effort to prevent disputes and being forced to live with his decisions for her child.

And I say her child because the law apparently recognizes that mothers have the ultimate rights when it comes to a baby. Her body, her choice, her child.

He's shown himself to be unreliable and someone @CharlieBrown123 cannot trust. He changed his mind about her and their relationship 2 weeks before the wedding, then ordered her to leave immediately. There's no level of care or concern here.

If he really wants partial custody, he can certainly go to court for that later. In the meantime I think she should go where she'll have the most support for herself and and her baby. If that happens to be some distance away, it's not her fault.

And suppose he takes the baby to Norway and doesn't return? Not having automatic parental rights could help prevent that.

From sad experience, I know that no father is better than one that can't be depended on to be there/make good decisions for a child. He changed his mind about her and kicked her out. What will prevent him from doing the same thing to the child?

That's not the same at all though. In your case the man accompanied you to have your coil removed. I am going to assume then that you had planned to have a child together and you'd known him longer than a handful of weeks?

If not, then at the very least he was aware that you had removed your birth control method and didn't use his own.

Oh the "country" can afford it, it chooses to pay the shareholders and dodge tax instead rather than pay a fair price for a days work.

Supermakets making £3bn but pay their staff NMW Starbucks £30 million profit in uk zero tax paid and workers on NMW

But PP is correct. At the time op got pregnant she was most definitely a random woman, and he was a random man. Who suddenly found themselves having a baby together.

You have someone who you perhaps had a few nice dates with, now being tied to you forever. And a rushed engagement and moving in.

It sounds flippant but that is the actual reality of the situation. Only just dating and in the second trimester.

There is no blame here on either side

tjey both consented to sex
they used a condom. He wasn’t reckless neither was she. I expect he wanted to do the right thing and thought that would be marriage etc but then realised as they got to know each other more it’s not what he wanted. They hardly know each other

id just say To op concentrate on your health until baby is born. You dont have to do anything more contact /access/ co parenting.

once baby is born you can work out a schedule and start to work on
conparenting., he won’t get 50:50 even if he applies for it

you can work to be really good co parents