Partner ended engagement at 22 weeks pregnant and now will not speak

[CharlieBrown123]

I am 22 weeks pregnant and my partner broke up with me a few days ago and now won’t talk to me.

We met in December, and the pregnancy was a complete accident - when I found out I was pregnant I felt really upset as I wasn’t sure how a termination would affect me emotionally, but after talking it through with him he was really keen to support me and for us to have the baby together despite only having known each other a short time.

I was invited to move into his house and we started going to all the appointments together, he would cry at scans saying I was his forever person and he was so excited to have a family with me. He proposed and the wedding was set for the 1st July so that we’d be married before the baby came along. A couple of weeks ago he took me to Norway to meet his family and nephews who were so excited to have a new cousin.

We did sometimes argue, well it was more a case of me just randomly crying, particularly in the first trimester, but I was assured this was a normal part of pregnancy and he was generally supportive.

On Wednesday, on our morning dog walk and quite out of the blue he broke off the engagement, he then told me I had to leave the house that day. When I tried to have a conversation about how I could survive financially through maternity leave he said he would not be providing support as he would get lawyers involved to ensure he had 50/50 custody. I have barely heard from him since apart from a few messages about arranging to have my belongings delivered back to my flat.

I have sought the advice of a solicitor and now know what my rights are, and a lovely lady at universal credit helped me understand how to support myself through maternity leave so I know that from a financial and legal perspective, everything will be fine. Emotionally I am still so shocked and confused by his behaviour, and not sure how someone can go from one day saying how becoming a family is the best thing that’s ever happened to them, to the next not even wanting to know me.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Does pregnancy sometimes have this effect on men? I really feel like I need some answers but I know I won’t get them from him.

This is the 3rd thread I've read of this ilk, in the last few weeks.

Wow. Just wow. You're actually asking an emotionally distressed woman – who also has autism – who is 22 weeks pregnant if it's too late to get a termination. Fucking hell.

MN just hit the lowest of lows.

This happened to my best friend, almost exactly the same way although she didn't move in with him. He bailed about halfway through the pregnancy and then pursued shared custody but couldn't maintain the responsibility it entailed and subsequently had little contact with the child after a few years. She married someone else and had another child with them. Her son is the love of her life and she never regretted having him. So I am sorry this happened to you, and yes it does happen to many women. He was young (only 24) and so was she so he just couldn't take the idea of being tied down I don't think.

It would also be extremely difficult to find an HCP willing to carry this out. And yeah, OP never suggests she wants a termination

Morning after pill.

Yeah this is an unplanned pregnancy but you said he wore a condom so surely if it broke it was on you to get the morning after pill. Not many people who get together and get pregnant very quickly stay together. Too much too soon.

i wouldn’t expect anyone to stay together just for the sake of the child. You’ve only been together 6 months and are 5 months pregnant!

yeah it’s shit his happened but seems you were both just swept along by you being pregnant.

The first practical question is whether you want to stay in the same location you are in. If moving nearer to family would be better from a support point of view, you should do it now before the baby is born and he could possibly prevent you moving.

Secondly, register the baby without him, use only your surname. You can still claim child support but he will need to go to court for parental rights. If he is on the birth certificate you could let him see the baby for a few hours and he could legally refuse to return them to you.

If you are able to breastfeed then don’t encourage the baby to have a bottle. He is not going to get 50:50 custody of a breastfed baby.

Hmmm something about your ex and this whole situation strikes me as really off. He gets you pregnant "accidentally", love bombs you like crazy essentially discouraging you from terminating, then kicks you out while heavily pregnant with no warning and with only a day's notice (!). And then says he'll sue you for custody?! That's so cold. It almost seems like a calculated attempt to get himself a child without having to pay a surrogate, perhaps by pushing you to breaking point and then claiming you're too mentally ill to have custody?
I realise how crazy some of that sounds but your situation is raising a lot of red flags for me. Lots of PPs have said he's a good guy who freaked out at the last minute, but that doesn't track to me. This all seems manipulative. The fact you've mentioned you're autistic makes me even more worried for you. I've noticed that the autistic people in my life are not very alert to manipulative or controlling behaviour and can be quite vulnerable to people with bad intentions.
OP I would be very careful about giving him any control over you or the baby. Please look out for yourself.

I am giving her practical advice. I am saying if ever she is in the same predicament with a broken condom then she needs to get the morning after pill. The fact that they were using condoms suggests that pregnancy was not something either of them wanted.

If only there was some way men could ensure this didn't happen. Maybe someone should invent....I don't know...some kind of rubber sheath they could put on their penis when having sex? Crazy talk I know, just thinking out loud here.

It sounds OP like reality has hit him and he's running. There's not a lot you can do to make him face that but there are things you can do for yourself.

A court would not award 50/50 of a newborn or even under 6 months if breast fed. The relationship has to be built the court focus on the child. I suggest going through CMS as soon as baby is born if possible. Keep dialogue to the point and about baby only and log it (texts/emails are better). Show amicability it will help you in the long run.

Do not give your baby his surname, birth certificate he has to be in attendance to be named as father as unmarried. My personal feelings is all children should have the right of both parents on a birth certificate so in your shoes I would tell him and give him the option.

As for support during mat leave most mortgage companies will give you a 6 month payment holiday yes it adds on a bit extra after but is definitely worth exploring with your provider. Save as much as possible between now and baby being born. Do a very strict budget line by line cut anything out which isn't needed. Baby stuff vinted and fb marketplace are your friend (stick to bundles of very good upwards). Only new baby things required are a car seat and mattress. Everything else can be second hand.
If you can bf then it can save money it can be tough in the beginning find your local bf support group before baby is born go along speak to the coordinator etc.

He is under no obligation to support you but if course once your baby is born he should support the baby 50% .
But yes if ( once the baby is old enough ) he gets 50/50 care then he will not have to as he would already be sharing care .
It is shocking that many men manage to get away with the financial side of things as they lie about their salary / hours worked etc or even leave the country if it's not theirs by birth to get out of contributing for the child .

OP please ignore anyone who tells you to put him on the birth certificate (he would need to be present for that on any event). Do not do that. It gives him Parental Responsibility automatically and whilst he might be awarded it by the court eventually he would need to apply for it and show commitment to the child. You can apply for CSA even if he is not on the birth certificate.

My clear advice is do not engage with him further. All the best to you.

Sorry. Meant CMS.

My point of view is it’s your choice to have continued the pregnancy, and now he has shown how he feels you need to accept you are on your own

the first thing I would do is refuse to put him on the birth certificate. I would also think long and hard about claiming any money from hims either, I would prefer to go it alone

if he has done this at a time when you are most vulnerable then what will be be like once the child is born? He’s prepared to kick you out and let you go it alone anyway

block him

Something similar happened to my friend though she decided to keep the baby thinking it would make him stay as it was a FWB type of relationship that she wanted more from. I appreciate this wasn't your motive.

When she announced the pregnancy he told her he wasn't interested and wanted nothing to do with her or the baby. After baby was born she reached out to his parents to see if they wanted a relationship, she was invited to their house where she was spoken to like shit and told she needed to provide DNA evidence!

That baby is now 14. His dad hasn't bothered with him once and she has never asked for support. There is no denying the parentage as they are clones.

The truth is men have been known to up and leave their wives once children come along because they freak out. So finding out you're having a child with someone you barely know would be a massive shock.

I'm trying to think how I would feel if my child told me they were having a baby with someone after 2 months. I'd be absolutely horrified quite honestly.

I suspect he feels entrapped. Where he has gone very wrong, was leading you to think he would be supportive to start with. He should have been clear from the start.

I'll probably get slammed for this but I do think the onus is on women to prevent pregnancy as we have many more options. The choice on whether to continue a pregnancy is also our decision. The only option a young man has to prevent pregnancy is the use of condoms, which he was using, and they're obviously unreliable due to breakages. A young man isn't going to render himself infertile through vasectomy. My point is, using unreliable contraception and deciding to keep a baby after such a short relationship is always going to a risky business that often doesn't end well.

All of that being said, I am sorry to hear of your situation OP.

Some advice, do not put this man on the birth certificate. As you are not married he doesn't get automatic parental responsibility and you don't want him having that. He will be required to pay you maintenance even if he isn't on the birth certificate so don't worry about that either.

He absolutely will be providing you with support during your maternity leave and after, because he won't get 50/50 custody of a new born. What a clown in thinking he will! In fact it's rare for a judge to decide on 50/50 arrangements for children under the age of 3.

But you're giving advice on a situation that cannot be rectified, to a pregnant woman now dealing with emotional trauma. The horse has long bolted.

Hi op,

Apologies if this is repeating advice given earlier, I’ve read all your posts it not all the others.
i just wanted to flag up that if you think you might want to live elsewhere - nearer your family perhaps for childcare / more support - I would strongly advise you to make that move now, even if it means renting while your house sells.
Whilst pregnant, you have full autonomy and where you move to is only your business. However once the baby is born, if you then decided to move, your ex could bring an urgent application to family court and the court could decide that the baby was not allowed to be moved away without the father’s consent.
Family courts can and frequently do refuse permission for children to be moved away from their other parent if the move would severely harm the relationship between the parent and that child due to distance / logistical barriers etc.
It doesn’t really matter if whether you put him on the birth certificate or not, it would just be a quick bit of court admin to give him PR as part of his application to stop you moving - if that happened.
So please think now about where you want to be living in 5 years when the baby starts school and don’t get yourself trapped in a place you don’t want to be, without support and possibly with a useless ex who doesn’t even see his child much by that point

The child deserves to know their father. He can get his name put on the birth certificate so this is terrible advice.

Op would be better trying to establish a cordial relationship with him as she is having a child fathered by him, and will now be tied to him for at least the next 18 years.

Exactly condoms are cheaper than a baby

Wow, what a situation to be in. Whirl wind pregnancies and marriages do happen. Clearly you were caught up in such, to move in and plan to marry so quickly.

He is as a PP has said a “grade A shit” but how much decency do you expect from such a person. He is just that.

Yes, you can and most probably will bring your child up on your own, nothing wrong with that. Been there, done it.

Don’t focus on him so much. You clearly do have your head screwed on because you have sorted out the financial side of things and own your own flat. Take responsibility for decisions you made. He made decisions, those decisions are his responsibility.

We are all allowed to and do make mistakes, but focus on you and your baby. Don’t be looking for no new daddy either.

They were using condoms, it broke.

RTFT. They used a condom. It broke.

He deserves to know his father. Yet thr father has chucked the mother out while pregant. Very doting father

A man can be an immature and unsupportive partner and still be a good father. This is his child too.
You know nothing about him or his reasons yet assume he's going to be abusive to his child?
The recklessness was in having sex with a man op didn't know well enough. Once a baby is created everything changes, of course op wanted the father of her child in her life and for them to live together and be a family. Sounds like this came completely out of the blue for her.