Partner ended engagement at 22 weeks pregnant and now will not speak

[CharlieBrown123]

I am 22 weeks pregnant and my partner broke up with me a few days ago and now won’t talk to me.

We met in December, and the pregnancy was a complete accident - when I found out I was pregnant I felt really upset as I wasn’t sure how a termination would affect me emotionally, but after talking it through with him he was really keen to support me and for us to have the baby together despite only having known each other a short time.

I was invited to move into his house and we started going to all the appointments together, he would cry at scans saying I was his forever person and he was so excited to have a family with me. He proposed and the wedding was set for the 1st July so that we’d be married before the baby came along. A couple of weeks ago he took me to Norway to meet his family and nephews who were so excited to have a new cousin.

We did sometimes argue, well it was more a case of me just randomly crying, particularly in the first trimester, but I was assured this was a normal part of pregnancy and he was generally supportive.

On Wednesday, on our morning dog walk and quite out of the blue he broke off the engagement, he then told me I had to leave the house that day. When I tried to have a conversation about how I could survive financially through maternity leave he said he would not be providing support as he would get lawyers involved to ensure he had 50/50 custody. I have barely heard from him since apart from a few messages about arranging to have my belongings delivered back to my flat.

I have sought the advice of a solicitor and now know what my rights are, and a lovely lady at universal credit helped me understand how to support myself through maternity leave so I know that from a financial and legal perspective, everything will be fine. Emotionally I am still so shocked and confused by his behaviour, and not sure how someone can go from one day saying how becoming a family is the best thing that’s ever happened to them, to the next not even wanting to know me.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Does pregnancy sometimes have this effect on men? I really feel like I need some answers but I know I won’t get them from him.

No, I'm saying whether the father has parental responsibility or not has absolutely nothing to do with child maintenance! I don't understand why you are linking the two things. You can claim CM from a father who is not on the BC.

Correct. But a lot of people assume they should automatically put him on just to ensure they get the CM. OP has to consider the wider consequences of that (I.e parental responsibilities, and how he can manipulate that in the future), which was the entire basis of my original point.

OP, if you have a mortgage why did you move in with your ex?

Definitely pursue a CM claim as this will be much needed money for your shared child. Plan to breastfeed and he won’t be able to do any overnights, never mind 50/50.

Just focus on your health and your baby. That’s all you can control. 💐

Surely everything is a feminist issue when it involves women . It is possible to concentrate on 2 things at once, women being blamed and disadvantaged by pregnancy and thinking about the bills and the dad who turned out to be spineless.

Pregnancy happens to women. Not men. Yes we can dilly dally around talking about what men should be doing but ultimately that’s not going to pay our bills, is it? There’s a lot of responsibility that isn’t being taken here on both sides. No way would I be relying on just condoms for a man I had known 5 minutes (if they did), nor would I be moving into his house within weeks. He’s a total prick and I hope he is forced to pay his fair share, but OP hasn’t been responsible either.

I think his behaviour is a good example of love bombing, a relationship that moves really quickly and he offers you the world and then changes his mind. It is highly unlikely he will get 50/50 with a newborn and personally I wouldn’t agree as his behaviour is not showing him in a good light. You need to consider that a newborn will have a bond to you and may be breast fed and is unlikely to be able to stay at his home overnight. I would apply for child maintenance on that basis. If he is not communicating with you I would stop communicating with him also and start considering that your life is likely to be as a lone parent. Sorry you are going through this op.

We had initially decided to try living together as it seemed the best way to parent together. I put my property on the market but luckily it hadn’t sold yet. He took things one step further by then proposing. I suppose from the outside it may seem reckless that I accepted the proposal but there had been no issues at that point.

Yes he will - but it’s not a difficult process.

Do you not believe that children have a right to a relationship with BOTH their parents? Do you know how fucked up sone children can become when one parent (usually the mother) prevents them from seeing the other?
The responsible thing to do now is for the OP to acknowledge that the relationship with this man is over, but that they are now going to be joint parents of an actual human being. This baby is not a weapon to be used against a man who has broken off an engagement, especially when the engagement was only because of a pregnancy in the first place.

From the outside? No issues at that point?
Please do some self reflection. You have tanked your own life in many ways. It's not game over, you will bounce back from this, but the self destructive choices you have made are astounding. And you still seem to think they were rational at the time?

So are you saying that whenever a woman has an unplanned pregnancy with somebody she hasn’t known for very long, she must have an abortion or she is tanking her life? And then I suppose the wider question is that does this mean you don’t believe a woman is capable of parenting a child alone if the father immediately or subsequently refuses to take any responsibility for the pregnancy?

Re rationality, I can’t comment, I have found the pregnancy hormones have had an affect on me in many ways.

Thats a big jump from what is written in both posts - to don't you believe children have a right to a relationship with both parents - Ive re read both posts and can't see any indication in either of the advice being to stop the other parent from seeing their child

Obviously not.
I'm saying what I said in my earlier post. That if a woman chooses to keep a pregnancy with a man she barely knows, she needs to have eyes firmly open to the reality that she's probably going to be a single parent, that she runs the risk of tying herself to a man who could be anything from a feckless waster to a domestic abuser and that she will probably have to share care of her child with someone she barely knows and probably won't like much in the long run.
Rushing to move in with, sell your house for and marry a virtual stranger just because you're having a baby together is self harming levels of risky for a woman. As you've found out, thankfully soon enough that you aren't completely fucked.

There are plenty of children who thrive in a 1 parent family especially with just a mother, who will find it easier to put a child first unlike many fathers I've come across.

Couple of things I’ve learnt from being a single mother. Don’t put him on BC. Don’t give your child his surname. Don’t get bullied by him or his family.

If he works claim CM.

I’d personally still abort if I was you but I totally understand if you don’t want to.

you’re an independent woman. You can do this alone it’s hard work but you can do it.

My DC father was an absolute twat who I broke up with when pregnant. Ge make life hard for about 10 years still he eventually fucked off and left us alone.

His name is not connected to her in any way thankfully. Good luck to you both

The father does not need to be on the birth certificate to enable you to claim CM. This is a common misconception.

If I were you OP I would move far away from this man because a newborn baby needs his/her mum and for him to say he’s getting lawyers involved to take the baby 50 percent of the time is disgusting and if he does get lawyers involved it will be very hard on you.

What an absolute bastard to do this to you I’m so sorry.

Id wonder why you had known someone 2 weeks, had a condom split and didn't seek the morning after pill for extra precaution. This was obviously your choice, but after 2 weeks and knowing that a pg could occur due to this seems reckless.

You choices or non action, which is also a choice have lead to a very precarious situation. Looking at choices you make in life and not spontaneously acting or reacting maybe worth considering - for your own happiness

just to add, would you have accepted his proposal of marriage if you weren't pg?

You met in December 25, got pregnant, engaged and moved into together in less than six months? Basically all with someone you hardly know?

I think a termination is a very personal choice, I am lucky enough to have never needed to make that decision before but have always felt sorry for anyone who has because it is clear how emotionally conflicting it can be. I am 37 and I think part of my thought process was that I may never have this opportunity again, to be a mother. And that although it was less than ideal to be in this situation with someone I hardly knew, he was extremely supportive and keen for the pregnancy to continue, never showing any sign of doubt in that, and with a very good job more than able to provide for the child. I suppose you are saying I am at fault for believing him, rather than him being at fault for presenting himself falsely, and I don’t feel that I agree with you on that, However, as I’ve said, hormones may have played a role as well.

As the condom broke did you take the morning after pill? If not then you and he both knew you were risking pregnancy surely?

I am 37 and I think part of my thought process was that I may never have this opportunity again, to be a mother.

You now have the chance of being a mother, the rest I guess is immaterial

apart from you will now be tied to this man that you barely know for a couple of decades - which is a big thing

Having the baby is fine. It's risky, but it's a personal choice and plenty of women raise children alone very successfully. The point I'm making is that the rest of your decisions were dreadful. Yes, believing a man who promises the earth is a bad decision and regardless of hormones you made those bad decisions. You were about to sell your house! Did it not occur to you that he might not be trustworthy?
I'm sorry to bang on, but you're still justifying your choices and I want all women to learn these lessons directly or indirectly. Never trust a man to look after you if you don't truly know his character. Women are extremely vulnerable when it comes to child rearing both financially and emotionally and trusting a virtual stranger with your future was so dangerous. It's just a blessing you found out now before you sold your house and tied yourself to him financially.

I wouldn’t ask for advice on here OP because all you are going to get is people blaming you for being pregnant and telling you to get an abortion at 22 weeks which is obviously far too late and not something you even want. You are already extremely vulnerable and don’t need to be trolled by vile strangers on the internet.

Well it didn’t break in a way that I physically saw it broken, it broke in a way that it clearly hadn’t worked, the morning after pill was not an option by the time I found out or I would have taken that route no question. Again, it does seem like a lot of these poses are suggesting I am at fault for being pregnant as the woman, rather than the reality of the situation which is that it takes two people to cause a pregnancy.