Partner ended engagement at 22 weeks pregnant and now will not speak

[CharlieBrown123]

I am 22 weeks pregnant and my partner broke up with me a few days ago and now won’t talk to me.

We met in December, and the pregnancy was a complete accident - when I found out I was pregnant I felt really upset as I wasn’t sure how a termination would affect me emotionally, but after talking it through with him he was really keen to support me and for us to have the baby together despite only having known each other a short time.

I was invited to move into his house and we started going to all the appointments together, he would cry at scans saying I was his forever person and he was so excited to have a family with me. He proposed and the wedding was set for the 1st July so that we’d be married before the baby came along. A couple of weeks ago he took me to Norway to meet his family and nephews who were so excited to have a new cousin.

We did sometimes argue, well it was more a case of me just randomly crying, particularly in the first trimester, but I was assured this was a normal part of pregnancy and he was generally supportive.

On Wednesday, on our morning dog walk and quite out of the blue he broke off the engagement, he then told me I had to leave the house that day. When I tried to have a conversation about how I could survive financially through maternity leave he said he would not be providing support as he would get lawyers involved to ensure he had 50/50 custody. I have barely heard from him since apart from a few messages about arranging to have my belongings delivered back to my flat.

I have sought the advice of a solicitor and now know what my rights are, and a lovely lady at universal credit helped me understand how to support myself through maternity leave so I know that from a financial and legal perspective, everything will be fine. Emotionally I am still so shocked and confused by his behaviour, and not sure how someone can go from one day saying how becoming a family is the best thing that’s ever happened to them, to the next not even wanting to know me.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Does pregnancy sometimes have this effect on men? I really feel like I need some answers but I know I won’t get them from him.

Thinking about whether you were reckless or not is pointless. Don't engage with those focusing on your decisions etc... I am sure if there are any lessons to be learnt you are learning them. You sound like you have had some good practical advice from professionals and people here too.

It does sound to me like he has had a mad panic and ended everything. I agree with the person who said don't engage too much with him. And be very wary if he tries to crawl back.

Have you got friends and family who can support you?

Agree. Regardless of how she got pregnant, she still is, so it would be nice if posters could have show some compassion to an expectant mum instead of giving her a good kicking.

We all know how babies come into this world, accident or not OP does not need to explain to you, the why, what & where. You are not her mother & do not pay any of her bills & the need for you to question, how her pregnancy came about is strange, weird & rude.

He’s behaved very badly and you must be reeling. Things have moved fast for both of you, but he’s blindsided you and as a woman the consequences sit with you.

You do still have options if you don’t want to go ahead with the pregnancy.

Co parenting with this man will be a very difficult journey and if you have a child together you will have a link and have to have so form of contact for ever more. Try and think hard about whether you can deal with that.

If you do go ahead you sound very sensible, you’ve got sensible advice very quickly and sound like you have a plan.

I’d definitely plan to breastfeed as it will be much easier to limit his contact time to start with and I’d go the formal route to get child maintenance.

I wouldn’t be prepared to let my baby have his surname, I’d give him mine. And petty or not I’d just crack on and register the birth alone which means you can’t put his name on the certificate.

It’s really scary I know, but he has done you a favour. This has all been a panicked reactive engagement to an unplanned pregnancy when you barely knew each other.

I was in your shoes, I know it’s really scary. But unpicking yourself from a failing relationship with a baby or a toddler is also a nightmare.

if you two have a future as a couple, don’t rush it.

honestly, he is being sensible.

Nobody’s giving her a kicking. It’s just frustrating to read of yet another reckless choice of man going wrong and then ‘ah well, the taxpayer will step in’. And now a child who will not have both parents under 1 roof before they’re even born. All totally avoidable with the free, highly reliable contraception we are offered.

Ignore this advice, don’t play games with a child life, a child deserves to know who their Dad is and have him in their birth certificate.

She was going to sell her house!!

This!!! Whatever you do - don't put his name on the birth certificate. Your life will be much easier.

It's absolutely necessarily harsh. Not just for OP but for other women reading. Women can be our own worst enemies.

Me 🙋🏻‍♀️ met in July pregnant by January. 17 year later we’re still together. This guy is just a nasty manchild.

I came to say this too.

It might not be the perfect time or the dream circumstances, but this is the right baby.

He won’t want 50/50 when he realises what parenting actually is.

If he wants to crawl back into your life, don’t let him until well after you have established yourself as a mum.

Hi OP, congratulations on your pregnancy!

Your original post didn't ask about financial or legal advice, but whether people can understand or help explain your ex's behaviour. I haven't had this happen to me exactly, but I have been in whirlwind relationships before.

Even now, 6 months in, you don't really know each other. This would normally still be the honeymoon phase when there's lots of dates and fun, but 6 months in you mightbe more aware of aspects you don't like in the relationship.

Your relationship was artificially sped up through this time. I imagine at first he wanted to be the good guy, say he was excited, give you a home, propose. It was what he thought he should do, what he thought was the right thing.

6 months in and it's lost all it's magic. Instead of getting to know you as a person, he's learned to cope with you at your most hormonal. Usually, a long term partner has the context to know pregnancy behaviour is unusual and will pass. Your ex didn't have this comparison.

At 6 months the first flush of new relationship might be declining and fizzling out, as it becomes clear this isn't the one for me. This is quite normal. But added in to you ex's calculation is that he has already tied himself into the relationship in too many ways, through pregnancy, then living together, then proposing. His sudden reaction and scorched earth ending of the relationship indicates panic to me and wanting it all to stop.

None of this is a reflection on you. You both played a part in getting pregnant, and you cannot help your hormones! I'm really sorry for all you are going through, and how much this must hurt. I don't think he's a bad guy, just panicking that he got in over his head and wants to cut and run. The fact he wants 5050 at least hopefully indicates he is going to be a dad to little one, even if he can't be a partner to you.

Just wanted to say OP, that children are a blessing. Bloody hard, but a blessing nonetheless. I’m a year older than you, and if I’d found myself in your situation I would have continued the pregnancy too.
I’m pleased that financially and legally it will work out for you. My only advice is as others have said- do not put him on the birth certificate even if he comes crawling back. Like do not do this. He’s shown you what he’s capable of. When you are hormonal and vulnerable and your family set-up isn’t the standard nuclear family that you’d always hoped for it’s easy to make poor choices in the hopes of getting things where you’d expected them to be (also why I imagine you accepted the “proposal”). Some crocodile tears and promises of doing better have been known to win vulnerable women over before, but don’t be one of them.
If he shows up later wanting to be involved then you need to be very, very careful and take visits very slowly if you choose to let him be involved. He’s a flake. Think about how his disappearing act has hurt you. Your child will feel the same x100 if (when) he does it to them too. And it’s even more tragic for a child because children internalize things and blame themselves.
I will always say that no dad is better than a crap one who walks in and out of a child’s life.

So? How does that in any way justify you and other posters being vicious in your responses to a woman who's 22 weeks pregnant?

She KNOWS the situation is less than ideal. She's come on asking for practical advice. Instead she's getting a kicking from sneery women.

Have some compassion.

OP you'll be fine. Just sort your financials out, forget about him and peacefully take each day as it comes. Focus on you and the baby x

Listen to yourself! You are actually relishing your attacks on a pregnant woman. Don't be so bloody horrible.

Exactly that.

We always tell men have no control over their instincts and behave like animals, but we don’t acknowledge how women can be the same by yielding to their desire of having kids, even in terrible conditions.

A usually reliable condom broke. Unfortunate, but it happens. And OP is only getting help to top up her statutory maternity pay, which is a risible amount, until she returns to her job. Plenty of children are raised by loving co-parents.

I'd only known my husband for 2 months when I became pregnant. We married five years later and were together for 31 years (and 3 amazing children) before he passed away 3 years ago.

It must have hit you like a bolt from the blue. He has shown you who he is, never forget that. Don't tell him when you have scans or appointments and don't allow him to attend with you. Definitely don't put him on birth certificate and give your baby a name you choose and your surname. Don't let him have any say whatsoever. I personally would not even tell him when you go into labour. He's lost the right to know or be involved in anything. If you breastfeed baby successful no court will give him overnights for at least a year and maybe longer. During this time he'll have to pay Child maintenance for your baby. He might demand a DNA test. Let CMS inform him he's a Dad. I hope you have friends and family who can support you in real life. Baby clothes are expensive and they only use them a few weeks then need more so look out for bundles on Facebook marketplace. Don't buy too much tiny clothes because baby might get gifted that. You can get a pre used cot but a new mattress. You could pick up a pre used pram system in excellent condition probably for about half price. It's probably still a shock to you but having a little baby is wonderful. Congratulations and stay strong and never take him back.

Again, luck, and very much beating the odds.

Yes, wasn't i lucky to have 31 years with the love of my life..........

He should have thought about that before impregnating "a random woman". Contraception is never 100% so it's the risk the couple takes when they have sex with someone they hardly know.

Why are you being sarcastic? Yes of course you were lucky. Most women who get pregnant after 2 months end up alone raising a child, not spending 31 years with the love of their life.