Partner ended engagement at 22 weeks pregnant and now will not speak

[CharlieBrown123]

I am 22 weeks pregnant and my partner broke up with me a few days ago and now won’t talk to me.

We met in December, and the pregnancy was a complete accident - when I found out I was pregnant I felt really upset as I wasn’t sure how a termination would affect me emotionally, but after talking it through with him he was really keen to support me and for us to have the baby together despite only having known each other a short time.

I was invited to move into his house and we started going to all the appointments together, he would cry at scans saying I was his forever person and he was so excited to have a family with me. He proposed and the wedding was set for the 1st July so that we’d be married before the baby came along. A couple of weeks ago he took me to Norway to meet his family and nephews who were so excited to have a new cousin.

We did sometimes argue, well it was more a case of me just randomly crying, particularly in the first trimester, but I was assured this was a normal part of pregnancy and he was generally supportive.

On Wednesday, on our morning dog walk and quite out of the blue he broke off the engagement, he then told me I had to leave the house that day. When I tried to have a conversation about how I could survive financially through maternity leave he said he would not be providing support as he would get lawyers involved to ensure he had 50/50 custody. I have barely heard from him since apart from a few messages about arranging to have my belongings delivered back to my flat.

I have sought the advice of a solicitor and now know what my rights are, and a lovely lady at universal credit helped me understand how to support myself through maternity leave so I know that from a financial and legal perspective, everything will be fine. Emotionally I am still so shocked and confused by his behaviour, and not sure how someone can go from one day saying how becoming a family is the best thing that’s ever happened to them, to the next not even wanting to know me.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Does pregnancy sometimes have this effect on men? I really feel like I need some answers but I know I won’t get them from him.

I'm sorry for your loss. My parents had the same path to marriage. It's not luck, it's knowing that you want to be with that person even though the starting circumstances are hastier than you planned for. Poor OP can't help that the man who insisted he was all in for the pregnancy and who proposed has changed his mind. She doesn't deserve the vitriol she's getting, and you didn't deserve such a rude response to your first post either.

No it definitely is luck. There's no way of knowing 2 months in if the man is decent or a shit. Statistically You're far more likely to end up single than happily married long term, so if you take a chance like that and it works out, you were very lucky.

Because your response was very flippant - I could say he was the lucky one. I know not everyone will have the same experience as I did, but it does sometimes happen, not all men are feckless cowards, lacking in morals and responsibility.

To label 31 years of my life in a mostly happy marriage as 'just luck' is frankly quite rude.

I’m really appreciating all the helpful and supportive comments (and now ignoring the others 🙄) but this really stands out as answering my original question and getting a view on what might have happened with him, Thankyou 🙏

You don’t need to be on a birth certificate to be able to claim CM.

OP I would advise you absolutely not to put him on the BC. You might not be able to even if you want to as he’ll have to turn up to the appointment. But I would advise your surname and not on the BC. This literally will not impact any maintenance claim at all. They are two completely separate issues and him paying maintenance doesn’t have any baring on him having parental responsibility at all. He will have to go to court for that. This will be better for your future as a judge will help draw up a contact order.

What "terrible conditions"?

OP has a job and owns a house - in the long term she is stable but for the time on (dreadfully low UK) maternity leave where the plan of shared support has been blown up by her partner's behaviour,

Stop with the pontificating. None of your bile is helping OP.

Condoms fail , it happens . I hope you have support from someone else through this. He seems to have gone all in then decided he couldn't hack it, I'd leave his name off the birth cert and forge your own path and be very wary if he comes around with apologies.

Breastfeeding will stave off overnights for a couple of years if you can. I would keep him off the birth certificate and keep contact limited as possible.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this.

A family friend when she was pregnant her partner broke up with her. Planned pregnancy. They agreed to stay in contact for the child’s sake, he wanted access rights and to be on birth certificate, he just didn’t want to live with them. He paid money for his child though. Not sure if he sought shared custody. The child is now early 20s and fine, not been easy her mum being a single mum. She’s had lots of family support from both sides and has lived with her current partner for years now since the child was 6 or so.

People aren’t saying anything nasty or untrue. The problem is it’s too raw now, OP is still pregnant.

I was pregnant 5 months into dating and continued. In hindsight it was a terrible idea, even though we’ve been together for 6 years and having another.

It is definitely luck if you stay together. You cannot know someone in a period of weeks/months, full stop. And even the nicest man in the world can feel trapped, and this is two-fold for the woman who’s carrying the baby. It changes your life even if you’re financially independent.

But what’s done is done - OP is having her baby and at least she is happy and ready. Terminating a wanted pregnancy could equally end in disaster and desperation to be pregnant again.

He might change his mind and behave normally, act as a father. Might be worth seeing a solicitor.

I am 37 and I think part of my thought process was that I may never have this opportunity again, to be a mother

I’d never really thought about having children

Which is it OP?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It would be a terrible shock even if you weren't pregnant, somebody who previously seemed a decent boyfriend, telling you it was over and you need to move out the same day is extremely callous. Just to say, you may not think it now, but one day, you will probably look back on this and be glad things happened as they did. What I would also say is, try not to fret about his motives, you will likely never understand them. What matters is you and the baby. Do you have family close by, or supportive friends? Join an ante natal group when the time comes, you will find other mums-to-be who could be a network for you and the baby. Ditto when thr baby is born, join your local Family Hub if there is one close by, try all the local mum and baby groups you can. Look forwards. It's all you can do now, anything else will drive you mad and you don't need the stress. Good luck!

Just for your information, in case you are ever in this situation again - sincerely hope you aren’t - but a broken condom, especially in reference to someone you barely know , warrants a trip to the chemist asap for the morning after pill.

And sorry, but you are responsible for what happens to your body, which is why you look both ways before you cross the road, wear a seat belt and in a consensual relationship you take responsibility for your own fertility.

I was talking generally, OP is not in the worst place, but it’s still far from ideal.

All that for an instinct, above common sense, safety, stability, a family for her child and herself etc.

I’ve no advice for you but congratulations on your little one.

I’m sorry for all the horrible posters on here. I just don’t understand how some people seem to get off on being awful to others. They must be miserable in their own lives.

Where has OP said she's not happy to be pregnant and blames him for it? What she's upset about is that the man who supported her being pregnant and then proposed has ended their relationship suddenly and she wants practical advice.

I would make sure that the baby has your surname, not his. It’s impossible to remove it if he disappears and you can’t trust that he won’t.

Make sure you claim CM, he needs to provide financially for his child.

He can apply to the court for access, but 50/50 is not something he will get straight away. It would be better for you both to come to an agreement around visits early on and agree for the baby to stay with him when he/she is older and able to be away from you, but he needs to be realistic that it won’t be straight away.

You will also need some downtime of your own in the future, so if dad is present and showing willing to be a decent parent, don’t burn that bridge.

It would be better for your child to have both parents around. As hard as it is, try to draw a line under what he’s done, not only for the baby, but for your own well being too. It is what it is now, focus on moving forward. If he flakes out and continues to be unreliable, you don’t have to put up with that, you can assert whatever boundaries you need, but you will always know that you tried to do the right thing.

Pregnancy/early motherhood plays havoc with your hormones so do what makes you feel comfortable, you don’t have to have him there for appointments/the birth. Have someone who you feel best supported by with you for these things.

Don’t ever take him back, you will always be waiting for him to do it again, but if he does worm his way back in whilst you are vulnerable, do not move in with him/give up your home. Move him in with you and if he fucks up, you still have a home for you and your baby.

OP you're in a pretty good position, thinking about it. A career, your own house and now a gorgeous baby due. The man has served his purpose here and he's shown himself to not be the one for you.

as a single mother of two young children, I can promise you it's pretty wonderful. I wouldn't change a thing.

ETA - you hold the cards here, not him. Don't forget this. He has a lot of proving to do to earn the right in your life and your baby's life and as I said previously, breast feeding will make sure he can't have overnights for a good while.

Honestly, I am appalled too. What's worse is they try to deflect their nastiness by saying 'oh, we're just trying to help other women'. Absolute bollocks. You can see from their replies that they are relishing sticking the boot in. They must have sad, empty lives if this is what fulfils them.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Is it too late to terminate? Or that’s not something you want at this point? I went through something similar with my first child. However, with kindness I will say you’re behaving extremely naively and a little self-entitled . Through your description it was about what “he wanted” the engagement the moving in etc.

what about you? Did you not see this short relationship could be short lived? you’re pregnant, what provisions have you made for yourself from this risk? Do you have savings, support network? do you have a job that pays maternity?

next you’ve jumped to universal credits and benefits. You must be independent and find support to do this yourself without automatically assuming the state will jump in.

im sorry if this seems harsh, but the reality is going to hit you hard. You need to start making proper decisions, think through consequences and have a plan

Do you not understanding how both can be true? To have never really give much thought to being a mother but it suddenly feeling very real once youre pregnant? Humans are complicated. I've never wanted kids, but it still gave me pause when a surgeon told me she might need to give me a hysterectomy.

Anyway OP, I'm sorry you're going through this, although I do think its not surprising, you hardly know this guy and I strongly suspect hes now got cold feet.

I agree with everyone who has said not to put him on the BC (not that you can anyway, but you can register the birth alone so that he cant add himsef). Claim CS from him. Do not even consider giving the baby his name (its not even tradition anyway so I dont know why women do this), and try to breast feed if youre concerned about 50/50 from the get go, which hes highly unlikely to get anyway. Plan for the scenario that you'll be doing this alone and protect yourself. If he does come crawling back, please think sensibly and do not move in with him again unless you can afford to keep your house as a back up.

Yes, similar happened to me. We were together for 2 years though, and when I found out I was pregnant he left and we haven’t seen him since. My son is 18 this month and has never met him - he too threatened to get lawyers involved, but haven’t heard a peep. Prepare to lone parent - it’s tough, but you can get through it.

If he comes back, you may decide to accept him. That's up to you.

If he doesn't return/you are happier single, resist all contact and hope that he loses interest in the baby. You do not want to be handing a small child over to strangers, just because he doesn't want to pay and goes the 50:50 route, whete is his "50" is woth his mum/new gf/screen. Manage without his money.

DO NOT give birth in Norway. Do not apply for a dual passport/citizenship for your baby. Give birth in the UK. Norwegian citizenship for the baby could make custody a massive problem for you.