is it ever acceptable to call your child a failure and disappointment?

[TheArmadillo]

talking teen/adult not tiny one.

Under what circumstances would/could it be considered acceptable?

SHould it ever be?

No.

no !!

that's awful. what has he/she done???

Says much more about the parent than it does about the child.

I'm guessing it's your partner or someone else that did this? And that there is a lot of background.

No. The hopes and dreams of a parent for their child, are not necessarily the same as the childs, that doesn't make them a failure.

No.
You get the child you get, they were not born to live up to your expectations or do something you think is right.
What a terrible thing to give your child: your disappointment.

I suppose if your child was a serial killer or paedaphile they would be basically counted as undesireable and even monsters, but I don't see what good attaching such an epithet to them would be.

never - under any circumstances?

No matter what they have/haven't done?

I can see myself saying that I am disappointed in my childs behaviour, if they decided to start smoking for example.

no, never!!! Even if they are an adult. It says more about the parent than the child.

If a parent respected their child as an individual they wouldn't even think they where a failure or a disappointment. Children aren't here to fullfil our desires and ambitions, only their own.

You could say I feel disappointed that you have done xyz, but not that they are a disappointment. Semantics maybe, but it comes across quite differently.

Never call the child a failure.
They may have filed on one occasion and its fair to comment on this I'd say.
But to call them a failure and disappointment is cruel imo.

Why do you ask TheArmadillo?
And agree that no, its never ok.

If DS2 has been naughty, I tell him his behaviour was naughty, not that he is a naughty boy.
A small difference but an important one imo.

If they murdered somebody or something really terrible like that, then yes, I suppose so. Other than that, I don't think so.

"You have failed this exam" = okay.
"You are a failure" = not okay.

"I am disappointed that you've taken drugs/lied about staying out/not worked for your exams" = okay.
"You are a disapppointment to me" = not okay.

The 'not okay' ones imply that everything the child is/has done is worthless. The 'okay' versions pinpoint specific things that you're objecting to, which I think is reasonable under some circs.

No, even as a teen it shold be the behaviour, or even the decision made, that is the issue and not the individual.

So, yes - okay to say that you feel they made a bad deciosn and that you are disappointed in their behaviour. But no - not right to say that they are a disappointment. AAnd really oppose to calling someone a failure - esp at such a vunerable age as a teen.

no, absolutely not imo

As an adult if they did something really terrible like murder etc then maybe, but I cant think of anything else that would ever warrant it tbh

I wasn't expecting that response.

My mother said it to me, several times, recently. I don't know what to believe - I think she might be right, but tbh I don't trust my own mind anymore.

THe only people I told (dp and my bf) were shocked and thought it was awful. I wasn't sure whether they were just trying to protect me and make me feel better cos they love me or whether it really was a terrible thing to say.

She isn't right.

TheArmadillo - it is a pretty terrible thing to say .