is it ever acceptable to call your child a failure and disappointment?

[TheArmadillo]

talking teen/adult not tiny one.

Under what circumstances would/could it be considered acceptable?

SHould it ever be?

You are not responsible for her unhappiness. She is.

You were treated for depression aged 9? And she has told you that you peaked at age 9?

God, what a horrible horrible thing to do to your own DD.

Are you in therapy at the moment? Is there anyone you can talk to about this in RL?

Jesus, this is just so sad. What a nightmare 'mother'. You really need to try and distance yourself from her, although i'm not sure how if she owns your house, car etc. She's just going to bring you down and down. Is she mentally stable?

My own mother can be quite hurtful but she's in her 80's and losing her marbles so i can kind of excuse some of it, but this sounds just awful.

She never used to be this bad. It has creeped up on us.

She really does love me and think she is oding her best for me. That's what makes it hard.

Ds adores my parents and they adore him.

I lived with them until he was 9 months old - her behaviour I think got a lot worse then. Even now her house is fully sorted out for him to live there - clothes toys and everything he needs. You would think he did live there.

When I take him over she always changes him out the clothes I have put him in as she doesn't like them.

If he gets presents from her siblings/friends they have to stay at her house.

Their garden has play set, trampoline etc everything he could want.

The only thing that has stopped me from suicide at my lowest is to know that if I died dp would have to fight her to keep ds and I would hate him to go thru that.

If you were to sell the house and then move out though, then she would be able to cover her costs would she not?

Sorry but she sounds a bit fucked up.
Can you get some help to work out how to deal with this? This is not a good situation for you, your DP or your DS.
She is v controlling, changing your DS's clothes is so not on, nor is any of her unpleasant behaviour.
I really would seek some professional advice/therapy and try and find a better way of living for you and your loved ones.

You do need someone in RL to talk to about this. She may love you in her way, but love is a set of actions as well as a state of mind, and her actions and the things she says are not truly loving, are they?

Can you get some counselling - I think you can sometimes get it free on the NHS?

Never ok to say that to your child no matter how old they are! I wouldn't say that to anyone let alone my chld!

I had to put up with comments like this in my teens and even in recent years comments that implied these thoughts. IMO its bullying and abusive. I wouldn't put up with it now but it's taken me a long time to come to that point.

I was never treated for depression - my mum wouldn't allow it.

I have never had much in the way of treatment since as I am terrified she would find out.

I tried recently, but ended up telling the dr after a couple of weeks I was all better.

I hate talking - I find it difficult when I am lowest, I gave up talking for a while as a child. If I get low I find myself being almost physically unable to get words out. I am very passive - I know this. If someone shouts at me I can't move or react in anyway.

My dp is very calm and laid back and has a wonderful family. I have no idea whether he's told them any of this, but I odn't want to put them in that position.

You have to ask, what purpose does it serve? Will it help the person? The answer is no.

Sorry, just respondonding to the intitial question - realise the thread has moves on now.

But waht about what YOU want and need?
WHo cares what your mother thinks, she is not oblivious to your feelings anyway.
I really suggest you get some help, am sure your DP will support you in this, haved you told him how you feel and how your mother behaves towards you?
I woudl try and enlist his support if you can.

sorry meant to say that she IS oblivious to your feelings (should have previewed my message)

Think about the following:

See a solicitor and find our where you stand legally. Can you buy her out? What happens when (as I assume she will) she refuses the offer. Can you remorgage without her consent.

See you doctor again and get referred for councelling or try a self help group. You need profession help to deal with this.

Can you talk to your DP's family? Would they be able to support you, financially or just give moral support?

You need a plan of action. Even if it means you say, in a year I will be free. Or 2 years or 5 years. Just something to give you hope for the future.

I agree with dittany it would probably help you to detach yourself form your mother financially (and in terms of child care too), that would be a good start and would help you feel more in control of your life.

disintangling myself financially would be a dream, but an unreachable one at least for the foreseeable future.

Me and dp are both on low incomes and struggle down to the last penny. We have a lodger as well.

I really have got to the point where I don't see any way out of this. And I don't know if it's worth the constant struggle.

I am also very dependant on my parents, I phone them, I go to see them. I perpetuate this. And I have taken it to a level where I cannot get out.

I do feel that I have got my mother into this situation by being the type of child I was. I thank god that ds takes after dp and not me. My mother acts differently to my sister because she is a different person.

I have always been 'sensitive' and clingy. Maybe this is my payback.

You are in an incredibly difficult situation with your mum. Dealing with her would mean having to have a rock solid strategy agreed between yourself and DP. Have stock phrases that you simply repeat every time she tries to manipulate you.

'That is not a helpful thing to say, I find it hurtful and would appreciate if you stop saying it.' Remember the 'stuck record' tactic, it is a good shield to hide behind.

Well I can tell you now, you are the way she wants you to be - her actions when you were a child have helped to shape the relationship you have with her now. She needs you to be clingy it gives her validation.

My gp won't refer me for councelling (or possibly waiting list was to long, my concentration isn't too good and I can't quite remember). I can pay to see their therapist (cannot afford thsi) or I can take St Johns Wort (made little to no difference). They are incrediably reluctant to prescribe ADs or any conventional medicacine (they use mostly homeopathic stuff despite being NHS).

I think little would help - I have been this way so long I am used to it. Some of my behaviour (the impulsive stuff which I can't stop - i.e.talking to myself and hurting myself) gets me down, but I have managed it for long enough.

I know I will feel guilty and treachourous for writing all this down tomorrow. But I am getting to the point where even I cannot surpress it any more (and my supression skils are legendary).

I know she hasn't done this deliberately and I know she only wants to look after me and protect me.

That's mostly why it's so ahrd to break free - to hurt her, to basically tell her she has done wrong. She would be heartbroken and I still love her and don't want to be responsible for that.

I will go back to drs I think and see if there is free councelling available. Some days I literally wonder if I am going mad. And it scares me.

I would say that you could benefit from cognitive behaviural therapy. As a means to give you the tools to change the way you think about and relate to your mother. It could help with the self harming too.

Please go back to your GP - a possible referral to the community mental health team to assess your needs would be helpful. Do not be afraid, you need to break your cycle of behaviours and the way you relate to your mum.

I worry though - what if I am unable to cope without her help? I can barely look after myself and I couldn't bear ds to suffer because of my actions.

I will phone drs tomorrow.