is it ever acceptable to call your child a failure and disappointment?

[TheArmadillo]

talking teen/adult not tiny one.

Under what circumstances would/could it be considered acceptable?

SHould it ever be?

NO! To the OP

Armadillo, I have bonkers parents too, so I know where you're coming from.

Keep repeating: "I am an adult. I am a good mother, I have a good relationship with a husband who respects me. I have the right to make my own decisions without having to justify them to outsiders."

She is deliberately undermining you because for some weird reason of her own she needs you to need her. If she can make you feel incompetent then she gets to look like the über-mother. Don't fall for it.

Sounds like you're doing great, btw.

Thanks again.

I will stand firm over this. She always points out what a little thing it is though and why can't I let her have this one little thing, when she has done so much.

Sis is coming home soon and I am going on holiday so hopefully some of the pressure will be off me.

She went abroad for a month last year or poss year before and phoned me daily. She even phoned my aunt to get her to do stuff for me as she was worried about me doing it myself (driving to Poole). Luckily aunt phoned me and I told her I was fine.

It's all the bloody same though - not just with my parents, but when I found out I was (unexpectedly) pregnant wiht ds the responses were all 'how will your parents cope', 'this will be hard on them, they are older now they don't want a baby' and it was my bloody child.

As a result of this (changing drs) my aunt will phone me up and tell me how hard I am on my parents and maybe I should think about them for a change. And that I am a selfish brat.

I get so bloody sick of it sometimes. And if any of them point out how wonderful my sister is I shall scream. SHe didn't even cut her own bloody nails till she was 18 and then she made a hash of it.

I hate everyone being told how ungreatful I am and how I make them do so much, when actually I don't ask for it, don't want it and say no until I am worn down so much I give in. BUt no I am selfish spoilt brat who can#t give a crap about anyone elses feelings.

i know it is hard for you to stand firm when it seems everyone is against you but it sounds like your ma has done a proper job on you by running you down to all and sundry and making out how incompetent you are and how wonderful she is to look after you so well, thereby gaining sympathy and admiration from everyone she knows.

This is PANTS!

just remember that you ARE capable and no one else really knows the true story so they are all talking out of their behinds and you have no need to pay any attention to what they say.

no

Armadillo, repeat after me:

"I am an adult. I am registering myself and my children with a Dr who is convenient to me. Which part of that is less than completely sensible?"

There really is no reason why your choice of Dr should impact on your parents in the slightest.

Didn't mean that to sound critical of you, btw, more and and [perplexed] that your aunt should assume your choice of Dr is anything to do with your parents. What's wrong with wanting a GP local to you?

the more you're saying the crazier it seems to me to.

I almost can't understand why I've fallen for this stuff and feel so unreasonable.

I will bear that in mind when it (inevitably) comes up. Which will be when either a) my mum decides I need to go and tries to book me an appt or b) when she decides ds needs to go (against my wishes) and tries to book him an appt (just to check - nothing wrong with a check even if her daughter is too stubborn to admit there might be anything wrong with him).

I might phone them up while getting on the plane in a couple of weeks to tell them, then hang up and switch it off

I wouldn't really in all honesty.

I'd just leave it, tbh. And if she queries it at a later stage, just keep repeating: "I've registered us all at the same Dr near our house. It's much more convenient." Don't justify, don't get defensive. Don't tell her the name and phone no. of the new surgery.

Also the new Dr won't give out any info about you or the children to her or anyone else, which will be a help in keeping her nose out of things that don't concern her. And won't know anything about her, so will be able to treat you like the competent adult that you clearly are.

Armadillo - I just wanted to add my support for you and say that your posts have resonated with me so strongly tonight.

I have just come in from an appointment with a counsellor who I have been seeing for three weeks now. My mum died 8 years ago and I have only just now found the courage to face our relationship and acknowledge that she treated me in ways I would never treat my son and that she did not do these things to my sister who was her perfect child as opposed to me the "thick as two short planks" failure.

I am finding it really difficult to talk about firstly as I feel disloyal to my mum and secondly as I often find myself wondering if I imagined it all. My sister would contradict everything I am saying about mum, as would my mum's sister. In the face of that opposition I like you wonder if I know my own mind.

I am so sorry that you are going through this experience it isn't easy and it isn't easy to question our parents especially when they are the dominant and controlling type.

Please believe that just because she says something it doesn't make it true. Your dp doesn't think you are a failure and your ds certainly doesn't. You are not a failure because you will not treat him the way your mother has treated you. In that sense your mum is a failure.

I hesitate to suggest what you should do other than try in whatever ways you can to reduce your involvement and dependence on her.

It has helped me to read your thread tonight (if that doesn't sound weird) and so as thanks I will send positive thoughts and energy your way from now on.

xx

When I was at uni I went to see a councillor about being generally down and ended up talking about my parent and how controlling they were. I was about 20 at the time. The lady was very nice and gave me some simple but very usefull advice.
She ssaid, 'it sounds like your parents are having a problem accepting you are an adult now, why don't you try, instead of running it by them when you are thinking of doing something or asking their oppinion, instead, just tell them what you have done or if needs be what you are about to do. By telling them instead of asking them, you don't give them as much of an oppertunity to interfere or stop you doing it.
This helped me greatly as I had been still acting like a child, asking them whether I could/should do this or that, from then on I just told them I was dong it and that was that... most of the time . Definately helped though.
I really relate to your mum repeating things over and over then acting surprised when you loose your temper and calling you a spoilt brat etc etc, I used to find this infuriating, you have to stay strong and most of all, muster all yuor energy and stay CALM. If she's anything like my mum she will win by making you angry, causing an argument and then telling EVERYONE how unreasonable YOU are and how hurt she is. Don't fall in to this trap, on the occasions I managed to stay calm with my mum (very difficult) she ended up looking very unreasonable indeed.
Don't let her wear you down, just decide on your plan of action and stick to it regardless, she can go on and on all she likes but she can't physically control you, she will hate it but you will feel very strong and assertive.

Armadillo - I think it's great that you are starting to sound really angry in your posts! You are feeling passionate about changing things and it is making you and your resolve stronger.
Well done so far, a step a day is all it takes.
ps - re the docs, just say you realised they would not do emergency house calls to your true address if you needed one - and you are not risking that for your ds

Armadillo - I find it quite disturbing that your old GP's surgery have colluded with your ma in her controlling behaviour over you. You are an adult, able to take control over your own life - what is your ma doing making appts for you and your DS? This is reason enough to change surgery.

Perhaps when you feel you are strong enough you can tell your ma the truth about why you need to change surgery - that you want a GP that will listen to you as a person, not to her telling them what you are all about.

I second frogs' repetitive simple stock phrase - to everything she says re the Dr. Dont tell her, if she finds out and starts on, just repeat the stock phrase over and over. Do not get drawn into confrontation. She will probably get angry but will eventually give up.

No way thats awful!

Repeating a stock phrase is such a handy tool you will get your point across but not be led into convoluted arguments.

I just realised that I am indeed repeating myself! Got the point yet? lol!!!

Armadillo, this will sound a bit crazy - but bear with me.

Did you know it is almost impossible to see yourself as you really are? We always see ourselves through somebody else's eyes.

Your mum is hypercritical, but as you have known her all your life you probably see yourself through her eyes, from her perspective, a lot of the time.

If you find yourself weakening when she argues about your change of doctors, see yourself through somebody else's eyes. View yourself from your husband's or your son's perspective. Both of these people think you are a woman capable of making your own decisions. One trusts you entirely with his life, the other trusts you with his son's life. Now do you sound like a woman who is incapable of choosing her own doctor, when you have a life in your hands, every day of the week, and you discharge that duty with the utmost care?

Try seeing yourself from that perspective, and become the person you really are instead of hiding behind your 'little girl' shadow (((massive hug, don't care if you don't want it!!)))

Hey Armidilo,

Just had a quick scan through your thread - your mum is awful, well done for all the baby steps you have taken so far (changing dr's, taking ownership of your official documents).

Just wanted to say when you go to the Dr's and ask for help... please mention that you at times feel suicidal and hurt yourself (you've mentioned both of these on here) - these should be the trip switches to Dr realising you are not just a bit down or stressed but are actually suffering from depression.

When you are in the surgery, you will feel like nothing is wrong, you're just over reacting and really really everything's going to be fine. BUT you have admitted to both these things on here - so you have proof that you feel this way and therefore are entitled to help.

I'm only saying because i've done this loads of times - i.e. sat in mental health unit thinking i shouldn't be here, i'm wasting peoples time - then walked out and had overwhelming urge to throw myself off suspension bridge!

Good luck, you sound like you're on the right road to a happier and more independant life x

How are you doing today Armadillo?

I am another one who has been in your situation almost down to the last letter. Both my parents are extremely controlling and often used especially money to "own" me.
I could not make a decision by myself but had to run everything past them.

It has been almost 3 years since I have seen them now, and in that time I have found that I can actually make my own decisions (they told me that I can't), I don't need their approval anymore (they think I do), I can see the positive in (almost) every situation, and most importantly I am not a bad mother (they told me that I was).

Well done for getting the dr sorted. If you follow through on this you can put it on a list you can go back and look at to remind yourself that you are an adult and you can make your own decisions.
As you said yourself focus on one thing at a time, and once you have completed that one thing/change leave it a week until you start something else. Otherwise it can all become too overwhelming and you start hearing your mother's disapproving voice again.

P.S. It tells me a lot that she has put your sister down to inherit her half of the house and not your son or yourself if/when she dies. That is a wicked burn on you from her (in my eyes).

Yes, if you try to change everything at once, it will be too much and you may fail - which will make you think your mother was right all along. Softly softly catchee monkey

"Why didn't you tell me."

Because you are an ADULT.

"YOu never tell me anything."

Because your an ADULT who does not need to check in with another adult to change your drs surgery.

"I worry about you."

That is her decision. Or she could realise you are an ADULT and will make appropriate choices like not crossing road without looking first.

"YOu;re turning into your father (worse insult possible in her eyes)."

You are not your father, neither will you turn into him, its an impossibility. You are a unique individual and although you may have picked up various mannerisms/catchphrases/learnt behaviours from him...you still make your own decisions (as much as you can!) in life.

"I don't see why you needed to change - it's a good doctors, you don't know when you've got it good. "

Does she pause for breath here? You do not have to justify your decision to change. You are an adult, you decided. End of. (TIP: Never justify your decisions...you will go round in circles and she will do her best to tie you in knots. Just inform of decision, if neccessary, do not discuss further. I know its tempting to argue point tho...just keep in mind what will happen if you do try to justify your decision to someone who wants/is determined to change your mind)

"Well I don't know it's good do I (this is her argument for everything as me and dp's opinions count for nothing), I think the other one is fine."

In your mothers opinion it is fine. You also have experiences of the same drs surgery and they are equally as valid as your mother's opinion.

"Why don't you swop back and give it a better chance."

You have given the surgery 7 years of chances. How many more chances does it need

"I'll even sort it out for you. I'll pick up the forms tomorrow, I'm busy but I'll have to fit it in."

Helpful but no thanks. Busy, have to fit it in? Trying to be a martyr here? Do you want a cross and bonfire as well?

"You know when you need help"

This comment I can see leads you to believe that you cannot manage without your parents. Untrue!

"your dad and I aren't going to be able to travel that far."

Why would they need to?

"Well I supposed we will have to - won't we."

As in it is inevitable that you will fail to look after yourself let alone your son

"I mean it's not like I haven't got enough on my plate as it is."

Bring on the bonfire again...

"Honestly what would you do without me,"

Ie you cannot manage your life let alone manage your ds's life. Again you are incapable.

"you are lucky to have a parent like me."

"It's not like you ever say thank-you or show any gratitude."

Untrue statement from your experience. Which is as valid as your mothers

"like - you never said thank you then."

She should have said at the time.

Okay to shorten this prolonged emotional blackmail/verbal monologue...

"I changed dr's as I was not happy with my experiences at the other drs. I can see your upset/angry/worried but this will not alter my decision. I do not wish to discuss it any further."

If she comes back at you...

"did you hear what I just said?"

she comes back again

"what did I say?"

comes back

"I can see you don't like it, however I have finished discussing the matter, this conversation is going no where, so either we change topic or I will leave/put down phone/move to another continent."

Of course...the above is for the brave done it myself and it was scary...and mother did not like it one tiny bit...I was not expecting her verbally agressive out burst when I tried to tack and caved in slightly...be expecting it...

She will be frustrated if you don't play patsy anymore...

Hope you have got plans for house underway in some shape or form!

Thank you very much for all your comments. I am taking them on board and they are very helpful.

Have been at work all day adn busy so that kept my mind off things for a bit.

Thanks for all your stories and advice - it's nice to know I am not completely crazy. And that there is a way out.

Broken record technique - check

Sounds good. All I've got to do is keep my temper in check.

Am feeling much brighter today Well parts of it anyway.

The feeling fine when I'm in drs and wondering what I'm doing there and then wondering how to OD as soon as I get out rings true. Have got to arrange a booking in appt with new drs next week so will bring it up then.

The wierdest part atm is trying not to phone up my mum to tell her I changed drs. It's like a complusion. Odd.

Sorry - thank you doesn't really seem to be enough.

What I want to say is I am surprised and overwhelmed by people's reactions (in a good way) and it is really helping more than I thought anyhting could.