is it ever acceptable to call your child a failure and disappointment?

[TheArmadillo]

talking teen/adult not tiny one.

Under what circumstances would/could it be considered acceptable?

SHould it ever be?

Yes, it was a terrible thing for a mother to say to her daughter. for you.

TheArmadillo that is awful! and of course she is not right. Besides, you are a person in your own right and can make your own decisions in life, you are not meant oto just do things to please your parents or make them proud. She sounds like a toxic parent to me.

hmm, i think maybe if your child is ian huntly or rose west.

but otherwise, no.

Thanks.

I knew she thought it - I didn't think it would affect me to hear it, again and agian.

It was a terrible thing for her to say Armadillo and she is not right.
I can't think that anyone could be a complete failure and disappointment.
There will be lots of things you have succeeded at - having a supportive dp and bf for one
Your life is yours, not hers for you to live and try to reachsome ridiculous ideal.
Tell her that her comments were unwelcome and very disappointing and that she has failed in encouraging her daughter....

That is dreadful The Armadillo

The fact that you are now doubting yourself shows exactly why these kind of comments are wrong and should never be used.

Unless you fucked up your life hugely - I dunno, a serial philandering alcoholic who has been through five divorces and been bankrupted twice - then no, it's not an OK thing for a mother to say. And even if you were, it's still not on - why would a mother want to make her child feel like shit?

It is never ever acceptable to say that to your child and I am very to hear that your mother said these words to you.

You know that she is wrong.

The Armadillo - what an awful thing to do to someone. It's clearly had a lasting impact, does it help talking it through with your loved ones?

I wonder what on earth goes on in your mother's head.

Frogs - in your egs, the 'not okay' ones say quite clearly that the child is worthless, not just everything they've done.

Agree with others that it is ok to say that something a child does which is unpleasant is "disappointing" but not that the child is a "disappointment".
Very sorry to hear that your mother has said this to you Armadillo, can you tell her how very hurtful it is for you? If not I woudl avoid her for a while and tell her you find her too critical.

Ask her to be specific...why is she disappointed and thinks you are a failure, what did she want from you? Challenge her, this is an outrageous statement for her to make and not the slightest bit helpful.
Are you sure she is not disappointed in her own life and feels a failure and has projected onto you?

It's a terrible thing for a mother to say especially to her daughter, she is obviously very unhappy and has decided to take it out on you.

It reminds me of my antenatal class when some of the parents were saying the baby was going to be "world class downhill skier" or "play football for England" and shite like that, now there were parents who were going to screw up their children. So I suppose if she had a ludicrous burning ambition for you to marry Prince Charles then you obviously have been a big disappointment for her, although of course, you have done nothing but live your life, she has been an over bearing, over ambitious, unrealistic twerp.

I've insulted your mother, I apolgise but I would also be prepared to say it to her face if I ever got the chance.

She has made me so cross!

You know the problem is not in your behaviour but in her judgement.

Have you told her how much she disappoints as a mother? You're a grown up now, you should have an equal relationship/equal say.

She regularly lists all the ways I've disapointed her.

Amongst the main things are I haven't got a 'good' career, I don't look after my ds properly, I never ask for anything but I take everything they offer (dp says this is cos she bullies me into it and won't take no for an answer), I'm fat, I have no motivation, my house is a mess etc etc etc.

I can't cut her off unless I win the lottery, she owns my house, my car, and looks after my ds while I work (though I have cut that down to nothing apart from the one morning a week she insists on and emergency). They insisted ds went to a preschool by them as I was looking for jobs at the time and they offered to pick him up if I needed and won't travel across town.

I am ungrateful (her opinion), I can never be grateful enough (my opinion).

If I could go back in time and change the choices I made I would.

She wants me to leave dp and move (with ds) in with them, she wants to look after me. I won't. This is major bone of contention.

there is no way out for me - I have made my choices and now I have to follow them thru. TBH I'm tired of fighting for any freedom to make my own choices. I have made so many mistakes that she does not trust me to do anything anymore.

My depression is a major sore point - surprisingly for one that she won't admit exists.

the term helicopter parent makes me laugh - that is my mother.

Oh and I don't get on with sis - we have a long standing rivilry, she is mum's golden girl at mo. Mum believes we do get on and any evidence to the contrary is just me overreacting.

And I get told off for being stroppy when she lists all my faults as she is only trying to help/protect me/doing it cos she loves me.

Good grief. As someone else on here has already said, she sounds like a toxic parent.

You sound in need of some serious self-esteem building.

My dad has admitted in unguarded (ie drunken) moments that I am a bit of a disappointment, so I have a tiny inkling, but it sounds as if your mother has just systematically dismantled your confidence and sense of self-worth entirely .

She sounds like a very controlling person.

Is there no way that you could become more independant? Even moving into a smaller flat/house?

No wonder you have been depressed, with a poisonous mother like that.

And the worse thing (in her opinion) - she is terrified I will make ds turn out like me.

I peaked at 9yo apparently and it has been downhill since then. (I was also first diagnosed with depression at 9 - she was furious). And I was also a 'boring' child.

there is no way I can move without screwing my parents over financially.

She has got worse in the past few years. I don't think seh is happy.

I want my mum back Sometimes I see her but then this other 'thing' comes back in her place.

I love my mum and hate that I am responsible for her unhappiness.

TheArmadillo - bllimey .

You know there is a support thread on here for children of toxic parents?

Sorry, but she sounds awful - beyond the pale.

I think I'd be keeping DS away from her as much as possible, if I were in your shoes.

What does DP think - can he help you get away from her?

Sounds like you aren't disappointing her, you're doing exactly what she wants by making yourself dependent on he. I wonder why. Does she hate the sight of her partner or something? Is there nothing else in her life?

Open a savings account she doesn't know about and start building your lifeboat now.

TheArmadillo - you are not responsible for her happiness. Really, you are not.

technically they lent us the deposit to buy the house.

But her name is on the mortage/deeds along with mine. WE pay her rent as she doesn't think I am responsible enough to look after the finances.

WE couldn't afford to buy a house adn we would never get a mortgage. If we left they would have to cover mortgage until it was sold, which they could not do.

Dp hates my mother, but has always taken a back seat and seen it as my responsibilty to deal with them. He only sees my parents maybe once or twice a year.