is it ever acceptable to call your child a failure and disappointment?

[TheArmadillo]

talking teen/adult not tiny one.

Under what circumstances would/could it be considered acceptable?

SHould it ever be?

sounds like you are starting to take control then!! do not bury your head in the sand though it might be tempting!

iof your dad has a bad relationship with your mum maybe you could talk to him about it? i know you have said that you dont have a great relationship with him (i can totally relate with that one) but it could be worth a try he might be able to persuede your mum to back off? or your sister? if she has a different relationship?

none of my major documents are at my address but thats because i mnove a lot and would forget to change them over!

have you phoned any one re the house yet?

keep going you are doing well. just remind yourself that you have a right to be happy as much as anyone else!

yes, well done Armadillo.

Armadillo-So many of your posts in parts have moved me to tears and I am still sitting here typing with a lump in my throat.

I have lived through this kind of emotional abuse and come out the other side. I now have 'seperate' life emotionally and financially from my parents who are very controlling people.

You CAN do this (albeit in stages, as I did)BUT you CAN break away from her. You kmow deep down must do this....if not for yourself and your own mental health then do it for your son.

I have posted quite a lot on the stately homes thread, and found the support there invaluable.

You have been given the best advice and support here as well, please please act on it.

I know how the depression works it breaks you down and renders you powerless.You are internalising years and years of anger towards your mother and need to begin to release this somehow.

Ad's DO work and can move you out of the cycle of depression. The journey is a long one when you have a parent like this who has attacked your very core from such a young age. But you can do it. Baby steps.

If you need to talk please post on the other thread or CAT me.

Good luck Armadillo. And thanks for reminding me I have done the best thing for myself and my family(((((hug)))))

I haven't phoned anyone about the house yet - I want to discuss options with dp first.

I know we are joint tenants (?) or whatever means that we basically own half the house each - so if I die my half would go to ds adn if mum dies she would pass her half to my sister.

Basically we have to get her to agree to sell or it would get nasty. It's what we do from there that's the problem. This has already come up before and basically it has come down to she will agree to sell if we buy another (more expensive) house near her (which as we can barely afford mortgage on this is ridiculous) or she will do everything in her power to prevent us moving.

LEgal advice would probably be good - but I need to know what dp wants to do and that he agrees with me first.

think I may have cross-posted with you- well done Armadillo. Keep going. Like you say . Its all about baby steps.

Thanks - It really is helpful to hear from others who have been thru similar.

I have read parts of the stately homes thread over the last few months - though they seem to have been really abused - so much worse than I have ever been trhu it seems rude and insensitive to compare my life to theirs.

Armadillo- Im just smiling now, because every single poster on there begins by saying they feel bad for posting because there stories are not as bad as others. Its not the stories that matter but the impact on the individual. Also anyone who has been through this kind of thing has a low sense of self and self esteem and so believe they are not as bad off as others. Not true.

Well done, Armadillo for taking those first steps.

You are doing a very important thing, the best and most important thing in your life and for your DS.

Angelpoise wrote

That is a vital point. Think about your DS and how she may transfer her attentions to him. You and your DP have to protect him from your mother. Take your strength from that, and the fact that you have a wonderful supportive partner.

well done Armadillo for starting to work out what you need to do - I'm sure you have already written a list, just remember that you have time to do things one by one so that the list doesn't overwhelm you.

One thing at a time, one day at a time, little steps take you forward. I also think Anglepoise's comment about thinking how you would treat your own DS is invaluable to highlight to you the differences between your own love for your DS and your mother's non-love for you.

Good luck, let us know how you get on

yes. And they are a NHS funded practice ffs. They are reluctant to prescribe conventional medicine (to the point of madness in some cases) and like you to pay for alternative therapies (though you can get some of the homeopathic stuff on prescription).

I don't like it. It makes me uncomfortable.
I hate the fact the NHS funds it.

My mother hates the idea of me leaving it, as she is a fan of alternative medicines (I'm not) - even though I have to lie to them to stay a patient and it is a huge trek across town for me I have never swopped. Until today.

Found ds passport and filled out forms so will take him down and get registered today as am working from tomorrow.

Keep going !!! See it as she doesn't need to know - no ordinary adult relationship dictates that you tell your Mum if you change Drs.

Hi TheAmadillo

Over here as Smithfield says we all don't think we should be on the thread. Its kind of a rite of passage So just from you saying that...yep you should post there if you would like to.

I too worried my mother would be heartbroken if she knew how she had broken my heart as a child...but the responsibility for her actions lay with her. If you unintentionally hurt or upset someone, would you not rather they said rather than keep it locked up and hurt themselves even more? Now magnify that...to a lifetime with your mum...all that pain locked away so you don't hurt her, but in doing that you are protecting her from her own actions and choices she made. They are her responsibility, not your's. Just as her happiness is not your responsibility...it is her's. I could not focus my entire social life/career hopes etc on my dd and if she wants to do something diffrent say 'oh I'm so disappointed in you, I feel so unhappy now'. What a load a bollocks. I have my own life to lead, the life my dd leads is her responsibility, as a mum I do my best to gradually give her the independance she will seek/is seeking and give her the social/life skills to get on in life without me...afterall I won't be around forever and I would not want to leave middle aged adult child behind who is unable to pay bills/get a house/do the washing etc...that is not love...that is using her for my own ends of being needed. Its not healthy for mother or child.

I could go on forever about what you have posted...but I have to get tea on now

Your situation may seem impossible. But its not. Breaking free is difficult not impossible. Your taking one baby step today. Don't give in to any argument. This is your life. Please take control for the first time...its NEVER too late You can do it...on the Stately Homes thread there are up to a 100 women who have broken free...some still in contact, some with a little contact (cards/phone calls) some with no contact. The choice is yours to make.

Remember, your putting yourself at risk here to keep your mum happy. I would want to do that to my own child...would you do it to your ds? No...so don't let your mum play by different rules...your life, your happiness.

And one last thing...did you post before your mum, you seem familiar...

Hope to see you on the stately's thread

Allyxx

Just had another thought...lets do a 'now I'm a mum' list...

What do you want your ds to be like as an adult?

How would you like him to feel about your relationship?

What do you need to do to achieve those goals?

Now answer the same questions as if you were your mother. Taking out of the equation that you were a clingy difficult child Even if your ds was...would you change how you treated him?

actually change the first question bit controlling... meant it in a 'happy independant' way...not a brain surgeon way!

Thank you for this - I can see that there is a way out.

Have just taken ds and handed forms and ID in drs. Just doing that feels great.

I have a plan re the house.

I will discuss with dp tonight. I cannot go on like this any longer. I have to change this situation.

I am a very different parent to ds than my mum was to me. This is why she thinks I am a crappy parent. I could never do all this to him. He is fiercely independant and I wouldn't want to break him. He is an incrediably happy child and I adore him.

My mother said I would never cope with a child - she convinced everyone. Midwife was shocked when she saw me after birth - she couldn't believe I wasn't in pieces on the floor. Even my HV when I see her about stuff offers to check with my mum so does my dr. I want to be a grown up who can make my own decisions and fuck up in my own way - how I long to make a mistake and sort it out MYSELF. As crazy as that sounds.

it really does not sound crazy to want to make your own mistakes - it is a rite of passage that everyone has to go through to grow as adults. preventing you from doing that keeps you in "dependent child" mode, not self-sufficient adult mode.

Go for it!

You don't have to change everything at once, but really well done for getting a doctor that suits your needs rather than your mum's. Be proud of yourself: you grew a bit today

My prob is I tend to try and change everything at once - fail and then go back to being exactly where I was

Will talk to dp tomorrow and decide what to do next.

Was defeated today on one of tasks by lack of pritt stick adn it annoys me that as a result I end up saying 'oh it's all too hard' and givign up completely.

MAnaged to get drs done though - it's only taken 7 years . I have actually got forms before but lost them/forgotten to take them back.

YANBU to want to make your own mistakes!

Your setting yourself up to fail...which is what I do and a lot of others do. Make babysteps, small achieveable goals to an end... you can do it (sorry...too much bob the builder today!)

'I have actually got forms before but lost them/forgotten to take them back'

You probably suffer from a level of anxiety whenever you do anything which is percievably going against your mothers wishes.
'Plus' she has drummed it into you that you aren't 'capable'AND so you believe that you aren't.
In other words you carry this around with you (i.e her voice in your head) even when she is not there or involved.
By breaking it down into smaller/easily achievable tasks you stop perpetuating the cycle by completeing and achieveing those tasks. You are telling yourself instead ...'Oh yes I am capable'.

Dont focus on what you haven't done, but what you 'HAVE'. If you keep doing this your mothers voice (the one you carry with you) will get smaller.

Try keeping a diary it will help you to pinpoint your feelings and how they affect you.

Ally- bob the builder

You know I actually know how the conversation will go when she finds out I have swopped drs.

Why didn't you tell me. YOu never tell me anything. I worry about you. YOu;re turning into your father (worse insult possible in her eyes).
I don't see why you needed to change - it's a good doctors, you don't know when you've got it good. Well I don't know it's good do I (this is her argument for everything as me and dp's opinions count for nothing), I think the other one is fine. Why don't you swop back and give it a better chance. I'll even sort it out for you. I'll pick up the forms tomorrow, I'm busy but I'll have to fit it in.
You know when you need help your dad and I aren't going to be able to travel that far.
Well I supposed we will have to - won't we. I mean it's not like I haven't got enough on my plate as it is. Honestly what would you do without me, you are lucky to have a parent like me. It's not like you ever say thank-you or show any gratitude. like - you never said thank you then.

And then I will feel guilty. And this will be all over me choosing a different doctors surgery.

That will only be the first conversation. It will be brought up several times a day until I change my mind. She will repeat it until I lose my temper and then will say 'well I was only saying, of course you can do what you like, but it will be me who sorts out the mess. Why do you have to get so stroppy all the time. I don't know why I do anything for you you are never greatful'.

Usually I will give in several weeks later, when I cannot take any more.

Sorry to be blunt, but she sounds proper bonkers.