Got upset and emailed ex — how to rescue situation?

[CherryPizza]

I’m in a bit of a mess. Background is I’m divorced and have been with someone nice (not living together) for a year and a half.

When I first got divorced I got together with my one who got away for a year or so but it was too soon and especially he was not ready. Recently he came to find me and say sorry for how he behaved. I was surprised but glad he’d apologised and we had a brief hug to make up except it was obvious feelings remained. I became quite upset last night and emailed him saying I couldn’t bear to have more unresolved feeling and would like to have a chat to know if he wanted it to ever be a thing, or could we say goodbye to it forever, and I explained about my relationship.

This morning I feel even worse. I shouldn’t have sent it. I’d be so upset if my boyfriend had sent such a thing. I’m happy with someone who treats me well. Can I just brush it under the carpet do you think? I can’t recall it, but can I just chalk it up to confusion and a mistake?

Disagree that it’s anything you need to admit to your partner. It will cause more harm than good. It was a moment of madness and that is all. You haven’t been unfaithful or done anything terrible. Forget about it and move on.

People on this board are always telling people to leave their relationships for relatively minor reasons. I think you should mentally draft a thanks but no thanks response and resolve to send it if he replies, and otherwise put it out of your mind. Reflect on your current relationship and how you feel about it, but don't break up just because people on Mumsnet who won't think about you ever again think you should. You might equally find that the fright of having nearly messed this relationship up makes you commit further.

I’m sorry that happened to you @Peanutgurgle. I can full well see how hurtful it is hence my stress and starting this thread about it— I did not want to hurt him now or in the future. It did not come from
a place of my boyfriend is not enough at all.

PP who points out life is boring I know, I was simply trying to point out my current DP is not a kind of safe option while ex is exciting. Ex is in fact a real pain in the arse as a day to day person on many levels.

If the ex is such a pain in the arse, why do you want him back / might consider meeting with him to find out if he's interested?

Those feelings have changed now— I think I was just processing something. Thanks to everyone who has helped.

Op, my situation is different to yours but something in common. I have an ex from way back who I’ve reconnected with in friendly terms over the past few years. I also feel like he brings out the real me, the fun me, the interesting me. I look at old pics from our relationship and see we are always looking cute and cuddly. But how stupid it is to compare that to a marriage with kids! And I’m well aware that a lot of my feelings stem from things not being great between DH and I. And that’s what I should be working on. DH treats me good and we are a good fit - unlike the ex and I. I could probably experience a brief high of being in love again with him, but pretty sure it would soon become the same drama and fight filled struggle as it was in our youth. Even if there’s a small voice inside me saying it could be different now that we are much older. But I’ve noticed the best I can do is just not contact him much and focus on having the best time I can with my DH and family.

Thanks for empathising.

You need to block your ex. If you think you might be susceptible to him popping up again and saying he does want a relationship, cut off any chance of that happening. I don’t think you need to tell your bf about the email, but imagine how he’d feel if he found out - if you’re serious about him you need to cut the ex off once and for all if you don’t trust yourself and your feelings around him.

He’s a very blocking person himself, very solitary and avoidant. He often doesn’t reply to people for years anyway. I don’t think he’s going to be in pursuit right now. He will take months to digest it.

Talk to your therapist about your unresolved feelings OP. It could be no more than a feeling of wistfulnes and memories of happy times. It's shows you it's really not wise to rake up the past, just remember he ended things because he couldn't commit.
If you are genuinely happy with your new partner then no need to mention the email, you say you are happy with him so just concentrate on nurturing this current relationship.

I have a lot of problems in general with the past— I have PTSD from something extreme I don’t want to go into here. It does make it hard for me to fit the past in the right box sometimes.

@CherryPizza

"If I look at photos from that time it is all over my face I am brimming with joy and look like the real me. I suppose it’s that I miss
more than anything."

"We first liked each other when we were 16 and awkward best friends. That is why I find it has sent me into a state."

You are overly romanticising this relationship and conflating the happiness and hopefulness of youth and impending adulthood with this relationship as they overlap. Your nostalgia is making you put way more importance and romance on this very youthful dalliance.

But be careful. You may not have done anything physically, but if I were your partner, reading that email would hurt very much and based on that and your own words here, it sounds like as much as you love your current boyfriend, you'd go back to your ex if he wanted to be with you.

So you haven't blocked him? Maybe think honestly to yourself why?

Oh dear, OP, do do your best to avoid avoidants. Honestly, don't do it to yourself. Really, there's your answer.

@CherryPizza - sorry if you’ve said this and i’ve missed it but EMDR can be very effective for treating PTSD. Have you tried that?

As to the message - block your ex and forget about the message. As someone said upthread, it sounds like you’ve given yourself a bit of a scare and realised that your current relationship is important to you and you don’t want to lose it.

@CherryPizza

re "I have PTSD"

I am so sorry. I hope you can get some help for that. I have heard good things about Rapid eye movement processing therapy, formally known as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), I have not experienced it but just heard good things.

I hope you will get whatever help you can and wish you all the best.

I think you will feel better in time and it will become something you rarely remember.

I would probably email the ex again apologising and saying you overreacted and wanted to resolve and close things for good (if you really do), say you'd rather not get back in touch again because you want to move on, then block etc and probably don't tell your current boyfriend about it.
If you are sure how you really feel, in time, you will feel better.

You haven’t ‘done serious damage’ to your relationship, as long as your boyfriend doesn’t find out.

It sounds like you actually need to be single. This is all about men. Spend some time on your own and focus on your life not bouncing between men and making your life about relationships.

I don’t think you should be in a relationship at all. Work at being happy alone and then move on
Stop dwelling on the past

if you drunkenly emailed your ex once, you will do it again

Don't beat yourself up too much. It does no good. Just let your small mistake go.