Got upset and emailed ex — how to rescue situation?

[CherryPizza]

I’m in a bit of a mess. Background is I’m divorced and have been with someone nice (not living together) for a year and a half.

When I first got divorced I got together with my one who got away for a year or so but it was too soon and especially he was not ready. Recently he came to find me and say sorry for how he behaved. I was surprised but glad he’d apologised and we had a brief hug to make up except it was obvious feelings remained. I became quite upset last night and emailed him saying I couldn’t bear to have more unresolved feeling and would like to have a chat to know if he wanted it to ever be a thing, or could we say goodbye to it forever, and I explained about my relationship.

This morning I feel even worse. I shouldn’t have sent it. I’d be so upset if my boyfriend had sent such a thing. I’m happy with someone who treats me well. Can I just brush it under the carpet do you think? I can’t recall it, but can I just chalk it up to confusion and a mistake?

I’d like the email I sent to go away and be undone and I’m asking how to cope with the fact I sent it.

Ok, so how long between the apology and your email, it doesn’t seem it’s one thing after the other, there is a gap in between where you were thinking on this?

They key thing is why you sent it, it’s not clear, it feels like he apologised, yoive spent time, days, weeks, it’s unclear thinking of him, sent this email and then panicked.

I don’t know why I did but I think it might be that I didn’t like being powerless each time. The first time he chose what happened and then he chose to apologise— I think it made me want to take back some control. But I’ve done it in the wrong way.

If you're not bothered about the ex why are you bothered about the email?

If you don't want to be with him why say "don't know" when asked about meeting up with him?

Why post about getting stuck into your relationship with the current bf and the ex revealing he wanted to be with you if you only want to be with the current one?

There's no consistency in your posts - it's like you're being honest and then you're being dishonest when you realise how it sounds.

I can see it sounds like that. The reality is I’ve got caught up in some unproductive feelings by mistake and want to undo what I did— or receive advice on how to move past it.

Maybe even there’s a weakness in my personality somewhere with not really knowing my mind or having terrible boundaries— I have had problems before. I’d just like some advice on what I’m supposed to do to put it right. I want things to stay as they are.

You email him, you tell him that you sent the email at a time you were feeling highly emotional and, having slept on it, you regret sending it. Tell him that you need to put some distance between you for a while and that you wish him all the best. And then (and this is the important bit) you block him. Immediately. On every single thing it’s possible to block him on. DO NOT wait for a reply. Delete his phone number. Delete his email address. Put everything that reminds you of him into a cupboard.

And then think about this. This man does not want to be with you. People end relationships saying that it’s because they don’t want to get hurt, because that is a polite way of telling someone that they just aren’t into them enough to carry on seeing them. If he had feelings for you and was attracted to you, wild horses wouldn’t be able to drag him away, whether you’d both just gotten divorced or not. You are not two star crossed lovers bound to come together at the wrong time. He just doesn’t want you. Please believe me, I know from personal experience exactly how harsh that sounds. But accepting this is the only thing that is going to stop you mooning about over him.

Google limerence. I think it might feel familiar. I also think that you might be using your current partner to help you feel less abandoned by your ex. I’m really not convinced you’re ready to be dating anyone right now.

Look, I’ve been there. You don’t do anything. Just pretend you didn’t send it and do everything in your power to move on. You don’t need to repair anything. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes! There is no need to explain yourself. Just be strong.
if he emails back then you deal with that then. But the truth is if it was meant to be you’d be together and you’re not

Hav you posted about this guy before? It really rings a bell and on that thread the consensus was if you both felt the same and strongly enough, you'd have stayed together. This idea of ready or not ready when the person you love is right there and with you at that time too, to then throw it all away is sit com type stuff. How did you feel when you broke up with ex?

Has he not responded then? Again how long between his apology and the email op. Was it quite some time? Is the issue you’ve sent it and he’s ignored it?

No that’s not the issue. I sent it right before I posted this (the night before). I don’t expect he will reply, I expect he will want me to be settled and happy as I was.

I think the relationships we have when younger are somehow more important and intense. It links to a time when you were emerging from childhood into adult hood. It’s an incredibly important time and I think your feelings get tangled up with nostalgia too.

but on the rational face of it it hasn’t worked twice with this ex. It sounds like you’re confused and juggling those past teen kicks with the reality of how relationships work as an adult.

I think you do want to be with your current boyfriend. And if can grow and develop healthily too.

I saw my one that got away after many years of marriage and it sent me into a spin. Rationally there were things that made me uncomfortable at the time and I was able to work through it and change the things in my current relationship that were problematic for me.

therapists are useful definitely discuss!

this is only as big a deal as you make it - forgive yourself and wear it lightly as a stupid in the moment thing that you needed to do to clear the air - you are only human and you got triggered and got something off your chest for clarity - it seems a really reasonable human thing to do !! it’s ok ! move on - get some counselling but don’t blow this up into a huge thing when it really isn’t IMO

and you don’t /shouldn’t meet . and have a few sessions with a counsellor and i promise you will feel a lot better

Like @desperatemum1234 it seems that you would choose a relationship your former friend (ex boyfriend) if you had the choice, but he’s not offering.

Sounds like you were more into your ex than he was you and that you’re romanticising him and the relationship. You say he didn’t treat you well and doesn’t want a serious relationship.

Emailing your ex and saying that to him was a shit way to treat your boyfriend. You’re not telling your boyfriend because if he finds out from you or another way he’ll likely dump you.

Most likely ex will not respond in a wishy washy way and not be interested.

He will either ignore or respond. The response will either be negative or positive.

You have immediately felt regret either from fear of rejection from him again OR genuine regret.

if you can work out that bit you’ll understand your feelings more.

However - your email may be a relief reaction to the fact that he apologised for being a twat.

if he responds just say you had a load of old feelings bubbling up and were confused but ultimately you are happy with life the way it is and thank him for his apology.

If he doesn’t respond chalk it up to life experience and be ready to pass on your new knowledge to a panicked mumsnetter in the future.

Ive found as you get older you accept your mistakes more as you can see the long view more easily.

self compassion is hard but very useful.

That’s a great idea @yellowpostitnote. I will say that. I think it was that and also maybe a bit of a response to the helpless feeling at being at someone else’s whim. I’ve never been dumped apart from that and did find it quite shocking. Thanks.

Maybe it was something I had to do to get it off my chest, as I feel better and am very glad he hasn’t replied. I feel elated that I haven’t done serious damage to my current relationship. Thanks for talking to me.

Honestly from some of your messages it sounds like you need some space from ANY relationship. Whilst you say you want to move on, some of what you say doesn’t reflect that at all. It appears to me that you still have the past relationship up on a pedestal and that isn’t fair on your current boyfriend. He needs to be the prize. I lhate references to ‘the one that got away’. It’s trying to romanticise a failed relationship (in this case twice). You can’t will yourself to appreciate your current relationship, you need to feel and know it.

Like another poster has said, your feelings for your ex are complicated by nostalgia. You have a long history together if you were best friends from 16, and these early relationships seem to have a powerful emotional hold on us. I can see why you had this reaction after he got in touch, and how it doesn’t necessarily mean you love him.

Regarding your question. Simply email him briefly, explain you were upset last night and that now you feel differently. Apologise and say you’re going to block him to give yourself a chance to think clearly. Wish him well and move on. 🙂

Good luck!!

I do appreciate my current relationship, I have always known he’s the absolute best person since I met him. Better than this ex by far. In fact he’s a similar type of guy, so right up my street but better. He’s exciting too, not just safe or anything.

I think as I say an old cycle was started up again for a short time, like getting into an old argument with a sibling or something— a dynamic I don’t want to be in.

It’s a particular time in my real relationship— it’s getting serious— and I suppose I probably am a bit frightened of getting hurt so found a childish recourse in this other dynamic. All I did was get upset and email him, not kiss him or anything.

You haven’t done any harm. Dont stress about it. Try and forget about it and if he replies, just brush it off like @yellowpostitnote suggested. We all often have moments like this, especially with old flames that meant something. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your current partner. Sometimes emotions are tricky things and it can be confusing! Don’t be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you know what you have got and cherish it.

Real life is boring. Lots of loo cleaning and Tesco shopping, very little high drama and romance. It seems to get worse as we age and collect responsibilities .Are you sure you aren’t being seduced by the drama and the excitement rather than by anything real. If you do get with the old flame you’d be back feeling the humdrum again in 6 months. I’d block him, delete the email and concentrate on making your real life more satisfying/ exciting.

I have been burnt by a partner who did exactly what you did. So maybe I see it for something you currently don’t. It’s the secrecy that isn’t fair on your current partner. Keeping something from him. In that moment, him not being enough. I can tell from your response that you feel I am being unduly harsh by the way you minimise it as “all I did was email him”.