Got upset and emailed ex — how to rescue situation?

[CherryPizza]

I’m in a bit of a mess. Background is I’m divorced and have been with someone nice (not living together) for a year and a half.

When I first got divorced I got together with my one who got away for a year or so but it was too soon and especially he was not ready. Recently he came to find me and say sorry for how he behaved. I was surprised but glad he’d apologised and we had a brief hug to make up except it was obvious feelings remained. I became quite upset last night and emailed him saying I couldn’t bear to have more unresolved feeling and would like to have a chat to know if he wanted it to ever be a thing, or could we say goodbye to it forever, and I explained about my relationship.

This morning I feel even worse. I shouldn’t have sent it. I’d be so upset if my boyfriend had sent such a thing. I’m happy with someone who treats me well. Can I just brush it under the carpet do you think? I can’t recall it, but can I just chalk it up to confusion and a mistake?

Dont be too hard on yourself.

Even now, some 27 years after we split, if my first proper GF got in contact I would have been in a bit of a tizz. First love and all that. In some ways even in ex wife came back (we have been NC for 18m) in contact in that way I would lapse quickly thinking how to get the family back together even though I hate her! Luckily in that aspect I think 10 secs later I would be back to normal!

We all make mistakes. You have, but don't beat yourself up over it. You shouldnt have done what you did but you did. I can think of one person from my past like your ex - perfect match but not at the same stage as me relationship wise. To a degree no matter who I am with I would do a double take and think what if...

Thing is you can choose what to do next. Risk it with the ex or focus on BF. I would delete all emails and say nothing and just try to forget but just learn from it

We didn’t really break up for a reason. He was worried about getting hurt I think (his divorce was extremely recent, while mine was a few years previous).

Thanks for understanding @FloydPink

I would take this as a valuable message from your unconscious that you need to be single for a while. When we are confused about our actions it screams of too much undealt with stuff. Take some time off of romance with men and romance yourself. It will make life immeasurably better later on if you can be brave enough to live life on your own terms for a while. Unless you humbly take the lesson your inner world has had the grace to give you, things as they are cannot change in any meaningful way.

No speakball, I like my relationship. I’ve spent a lot of life not in them.

Sounds like you want to be with the ex.

What will you do if he agrees to meet up?

I don’t know.

But what I’m trying to avoid is that I get stuck into my relationship and he comes back later on and says he did want a relationship.

I can see what everyone is saying, that I should be immune to that. And I want to be.

Read that again. You've made it clear that you still want the ex and the boy friend is there as a back up plan if the ex doesn't come up with the goods.

From what you've said, he's not likely to as he made it clear he didn't want a full time relationship previously. He may have a different idea of what a relationship comprises, than you do.

But even if ex doesn't come back, are you sure you want to be someone who is just a back up plan to you? It doesn't sound fair on him either.

Your current boyfriend is just a backup plan for if the ex doesn't get in touch. You're not that bothered about him. See it as a wakeup call. Be single for a while.

That’s not true. He pushed my buttons and made me want closure— which I would like.

I know I did the wrong thing but I’m happy as I am and just want to know how to put this right.

But what I’m trying to avoid is that I get stuck into my relationship and he comes back later on and says he did want a relationship.

How can that be read in any other way than your current boyfriend is just your back up plan if the ex doesn't come back?

You need to end it with the current one - you're clearly not that into him.

You are obviously still hung up on the one that got away. Just from how you speak about him and about your time together. Personally I think it’s unfair on your current bf to stay together, as your heart is elsewhere. I wouldn’t want to be your bf in this situation.

You wouldn't have contacted your ex if you were happy with your current boyfriend. You're just trying to make it sound mildly respectable by pretending to yourself you wanted 'closure'.

I was just looking for help after making a mistake while upset. Not to defend myself.

Be brutally honest with yourself- are you keeping your current boyfriend around as a back up plan but really you’d drop him if your ex said he wanted you back? I’m not judging- I’ve been in many complicated situations and it’s common to not want to be alone but no one should be second choice.

No, I’m actually not.

I just had my buttons pushed and made a
mistake. I want to know what to do to put it right.

No-one is asking you to defend yourself.

You asked for the advice and the consensus seems to be to end it with the current boyfriend.

You've made it clear that you prefer the ex.

What you do with this advice is of course up to you.

It sounds like you're keeping current bf around because you can't have ex. He's the backup.

You're using closure as an excuse. Closure is a myth. You haven't grown away from your ex and that means you are being unfair to current bf.

Let current bf go, get therapy, and stay single for a while.

No that’s not it. I forgot about my ex for the intervening time, it’s just it confused me when he came back and apologised. I’m very close
to my bf and he’s the one I want. I want ex not to do this again.

If your current bf was the dude you wanted, you wouldn't have seen or emailed ex asking if there was a chance. Ex wouldn't be a blip on your radar. You wouldn't be giving him any headspace at all much less listening to bullshit and hugging him.

You need to be really honest with yourself. You've got a guy who treats you right and you're jerking him around to see if "the one that got away" would try again.

This is not fair to your current bf. He deserves to know he's a backup.

You've had a lot going on in your romantic life and you need to get to a healthier place.

OP it really feels like you are not being honest with yourself or us. Or rather, your honesty leaks out when you’re not intending it to.
You said yourself clearly: you don’t want to get stuck into this relationship if your ex says he is ready for a relationship. That clearly means that you would be with him (ex) if he said the word. Hence current bf is a second-choice, back-up plan. You sound like you are trying to convince yourself and us of how much you like your current bf. Please don’t do this to your current bf - set him free to be someone else’s first choice.

What made you upset. You keep saying you had your buttons pushed, who pushed them what upset you where you thought this man was the answer, ?

He did I suppose. I was quite upset at the time, before. But then got over it and met my current lovely bloke.

It’s made me feel depressed him coming back into my life and made me act out of character. I really wouldn’t choose him but he has made me feel dysregulated. I want
to go back to my usual happy norm.