The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

No, it is refreshingly decisive. Go if you feel comfortable and Welcome 😁💐

Well, I am not sure we do to be honest. The main one is my ex, so there will always be some attachment there. But I think we just except at this point that we don't work as a couple, so this is the best we can have really.

And with the other one, there is also a level of attachment - we are quite close. But again, I know he will never want a monogamous relationship with me, so I have just stopped worrying about that.

I think it's fine to have some feelings as part of an FWB arrangement, personally. As long as you have the feelings but the feelings don't have you, if that makes sense?

(Like that thing about fish and a pond. Imagine your feelings as fish in a pond. Be the pond, not the fish.....)

And I would be delighted with someone asking me out for quickly - I hate it when they faff around wanting to chat for weeks.

But if it feels too rushed for you that's also totally valid. It's important that you go at your own pace - if you don't feel ready to meet him yet, tell him so. A decent man will completely understand.

I don't think it's a red flag though. If anything I would see it as a possible green flag myself.

And welcome to the thread - it's lovely here! ❤️ Everyone is so non-judgemental and kind and supportive.

Welcome! You’ll find lots of advice here and everyone is super supportive 🙂

It’s pretty quick yes, however if you feel comfortable then I say go for it! It’s good meeting up quickly because it saves weeks of messaging back and forth to find that there’s zero chemistry in real life.

Not sure if you read my recent escapades….messaged for a few days then met up but there wasn’t any spark at all. I’ve been messaging Mr Frenchie for 2 days and we’re meeting after work for a dog walk.

I used to message for much longer but I think quick dates are now the way to go!

Thanks for the warm welcome!
sounds like asking to meet up quick is not the problem I thought. (Several years ago I did message with someone extensively for over a month before we met and although we dated for a few months, looking back he definitely had an avoidant attachment style and I think the messaging for ages was a reflection of that)
Good luck to everyone chatting and going on dates this weekend

This sounds very wise (and grown up!). I can happily do a fun one-off night and enjoy it for what it is. But if I start messaging about real life and sleep with them a few times, I inevitably start to catch feelings. sooo inconvenient 😅

I didn’t like meeting up right after beginning chatting - I felt like I hadn’t sussed out the person at all and the date could be a total dud or the guy a weirdo. My now boyfriend (maybe even “DP”) asked to meet after maybe three messages, but I said I needed a bit more time to see. He was happy with that and after a few days chatting, I said I was happy to meet. But I personally wouldn’t do weeks of chatting and then only meeting - it can be such a disappointment if then there is no chemistry. Meeting quickly is also definitely a way to sift out the avoidants, as someone has also mentioned above. So do whatever feels right for you!

Ooh, Mr Teacher has just told me he is "famously easy". Things are looking up! 🤣

(It's nice to find a man capable to something in between completely sexless beige pleasantries, and breathless detail about his submission and/or tights kink, which are are the two extremes I usually attract!)

@Icestorms welcome! I think meeting up fairly quickly is best before you invest too much time with someone and don’t know if you’d actually get on with them in person.

@Nosdacariad I’ve been away so just catching up on the thread, sounds like it’s been a bit up and down with ✈️ but hope all is well now. Early dating is a minefield isn’t it.

Totally!
How was your trip?

It was lovely thanks, a nice break from reality 😊

Lots going on on the thread might take me a while to catch up!

Well I’m not sure if my dog walking date with Mr Frenchie is going ahead later. Last 2 days he’s been very responsive with messaging even during work hours. I messaged him this morning to let him know the weather forecast for later and to ask if we’re still going ahead….he said yes. However there’s been no response to my message asking about a time and place.

Maybe I’m just over reacting and he’s caught up with work but I’m checking out the time and wondering if this is really going to go ahead. He’s about 15 miles from me and I’m aware that it’ll likely still be rush hour traffic by the time we both finish work, and for a little while after. And because the date is outside I’m conscious of the fading daylight 🤔

Wondering if im being ghosted?

He does get me. He has a lot of green flags going up instead of amber….I’m very cautious (overly so) about leading someone on if I’m unsure. I was the same with Mr Sit. I’m more worried about hurting someone else than myself.

Agree with ChatGPT. It is to be taken as human advice. I challenge and give it clear direction (which it still ignores!) it’s definitely male. If you take it as such it at least poses questions. I put into a divorce chatGPT app and asked what my settlement should be. I then did it again as the man. Gave a totally different answer. If you use it with eyes open. It’s really helped me. And if the Chinese want to know about Mr Holiday Homes they are welcome. I’m happy to waste their time 🤣

That's so frustrating..... If he has been able to message during work hours previously (I know some people can't) then it seems unlikely that suddenly today he can't - though it IS possible of course if he is in back to back meetings or something.

Had any rough time been mooted for the dog walk?

Don't panic too much about the light - I think it's light till about 9 at the moment? (Someone please correct me if I am talking rubbish).

It's more that you need to be able to organise your evening. When are you going to eat, for example? Will your dog need a short pop out for a wee first? Etc etc.

So you are 110% within your rights to message him and say, haven't heard from you and I need to plan my evening, so am assuming it's not going ahead ....

I WISG people wouldn't do this shit! It's entirely reasonable to change your mind about a date of course - I've done it myself. But the second you know for sure you have changed your mind, you fucking say so!

I would never just ghost, after a date had been discussed.... It's not fair.

But hopefully he is just busy, lovely. In fact, I am hoping you have already heard from him and are getting your walking boots on this second! Because you deserve someone hot, realiable and lovely.....

Ughh! He’s literally just messaged there saying “You got any ideas?” in response to my question asking about a time and place.

I give up before I lose what little sanity I have left 🤯🤪

Haha oh dear why are many men so bad at organising... well, anything! Suppose can't fault him as I have noticed that guys on OLD tend to put a lot of thought into 'what do women feel comfortable with' etc. It's been explained to me that it's polite to let the woman choose a venue she knows/prefers, so she'd feel more at ease and safe?

But yes it can be annoying if a guy can't make decisions. I suspect that's what the silence was all about, he couldn't deal with the 'pressure' of having to pick a venue.

@b0zza1 you have to tell us about your date marathon, will there be live commentary? 😂On a general note, how do you find dating apps in London? I've been told London guys are more entitled/cynical/transactional due to the sheer volume of people, but also more Type A personalities who think they're amazing? And... Where in London do you usually get chatted up most?

I may have met someone... (NO, I haven't actually, he's just being friendly!) However it will be just a flirtation as he's from my accountant's office and not suitable for dating. Basically they hired this new guy who is now looking after my account and we have been chatting all afternoon, he's volunteered his life story etc. I'm waiting for him to bring his wife and kids into the chat.

Anyone here experience cross-cultural miscommunication? For example, guys from Southern European countries being super friendly by British standards, whereas in their culture it's just normal and they're not even flirting? I feel like I often misjudge what a guy wants with me, e.g. sometimes I'm 99% sure they've basically planned our wedding because of how often they try to spend time with me and contact me, and other times I think they couldn't care for me less, where they have actually planned the wedding, and I find out when they try to kiss me unexpectedly 😅

Totally get it about the man making sure the woman is comfortable however I suggested literally everything for this date. The dog walk, the day, I kept checking the weather so we could decide on last night or tonight. I asked him where roughly halfway was…..he’d said last night he didn’t mind coming to me although it would depend on the time due to rush hour. So when I ask him if he has an idea on time (which would dictate where) it just went to shit 😂

I messaged him saying that I felt I was more into the date than him and best we draw a line under it. He replied saying he’s been busy with work (as was I!) Then when I said that it had been nice chatting and hope he finds what he’s looking for he replied with ….. a 🤣 face!!!

The irony is that he told me he prefers older women because they’re more mature 🫠🫠 I’ve dodged a bullet with this one and no fks are given!

Is it too much to ask that a guy shows a genuine interest in the lead up to a date and has a proper conversation about what the date will entail, instead of leaving everything to me? I can imagine this man needs spoon fed through life. Gutted I won’t get to play with his puppy though!

Just caught up on everyone, love hearing how everyone's doing!

@Nosdacariad I think I'd be wary! So difficult when you've already caught the feels! x

My Mr Teacher went quiet this week - from messaging daily for a fortnight (pre and post date) to nothing. Did tell me Tues that the school had an inspection hence being quiet but nothing since. I'm taking that as he's not interested as surely you could still send the odd message, I'm not expecting war & peace or every day 🤷‍♀️ Imagine if same guy as yours @Ilovelurchers 😂 If so, seemed like a nice guy although I didn't feel an immediate spark so haven't lost any sleep over him going into ghost mode.

Saw my ex from earlier this year on Hinge this week which upset me a bit. More so because his profile didn't match up with what he'd been telling me throughout our short relationship so feel i was lead on a bit.

I've matched with Mr Tea this week... due to meet up next Wed. I have a feeling he's not looking for long term but he makes me laugh if nothing else.

Oh I had this before, my ex from a few years ago. Saw him on Bumble and it sounded like a different person! Everything he was saying was the things I kept asking him to do when we were together. And it upset me quite a bit at the time too. But just need to remember they’re an ex for a reason and all this stuff they’re spouting on their profile….the real them will make themselves known eventually

@empirebiscuits12Urgh, that’s so shit of him. Good for you for proactively canceling though, sounds like it was 100% the right call!

@Mildred007 Hmmm that’s a shame he went quiet. At least you still have your options open and a date with someone new lined up - hope it goes well!

I really like that about the feelings not having you, that’s a really useful way to look at it. I think you’re basically my dating twin, haha! This is 100% where I am with my situationships. I’ve made peace with what they are, at this point in time they suit me to a large degree. And like you I also think they stop me from jumping into anything unsuitable out of loneliness.

Interestingly when I was chatting to one of them last night (Mr Nomad), he mentioned that he probably should have extended his trip up to see me next weekend by a few days. And my gut reaction was that I didn’t want anyone else in my space for that length of time 😂 I didn’t say that, as he’s still just coming for the weekend only, but it does reinforce that I think I’ve actually become a lot more comfortable now with just enjoying my own company and space! And from what you’ve posted previously it sounds like you’re in a similar place?

Funnily enough, mine told me earlier that War and Peace is his favourite novel! 😱

So frustrating, when in order to facilitate a date, we lower the bar to the extent that all they have to do is basically drag themselves over it, and they can't even do that!

He sounds useless and a little annoying, and it's good that you have found out now! You deserve much better. Disappointing though....