The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I very much hear you - I think my FWB may have been angling to stay a little longer, but two nights was absolutely enough!

If I meet "the one" (if he even exists.....) it's going to be a challenge adjusting my life to him, as I have got pretty comfortable with my own company for large chunks of time.....

Though I just pulled back my duvet to find that FWB has left me his t-shirt to wear! Something I used to ask gun to do just after I lost dad, when I really felt in need of that feeling of comfort.

It is sweet! Ironically, he is much sweeter and more thoughtful in general as an FWB, then he ever was when we were dating. I think the key is, that he no longer takes my time and presence for granted......

inspections are stressful. I get that but 2 seconds of “inspection a nightmare catch up in a week or 2?” It’s not hard is it???

Exactly this! We're all busy with one thing or another, takes 10 secs to send a message. Never mind...next 🤣

I hadn't been interested in dating until my little 3 month thing earlier this year. I already knew him and was first relationship since my split 3 years ago from my 20 year relationship so think I just went all in & got a little hurt when it ended. Somehow feels a little easier dating "strangers" although only been on one date so far..

Comms with Mr Mullet have been dreadful today... Wondering if my second date curse has moved to fourth date!

CleanShirt Oh no! He's still talking? Just less?

empirebiscuits12 So disheartening when they are like that. It's a cop out, in my eyes, when men use the old 'Oh I didn't want to assume. I was letting the lady have control'. Nah, you are a lazy arse.

I also saw an ex on Bumble & he'd written that he wants to 'End religious hate'. I sent it to my mum (who still sees him around socially) with 'Since when does he care about religion? Or people hating each other? Recon he closed his eyes & pointed at a prompt on Bumble & just added it in'. She replied 'Yeah, that's odd. If you hadn't told me it was his profile, I'd have never matched him to that in a million years'.

b0zza1 I'm here for your updates this weekend

@CleanShirt oh no! Hopefully he’s just been busy.

Went on a date with Mr Musical last night. It was a fun evening and he seemed like a genuinely lovely person. Not sure I fancy him but I’m never sure after one date! I’d see him again if he asks.

Another date tonight with Mr Convenience. Bit less enthused about this one so we’ll see.

What's happened? X

This sounds promising.

Does anyone else feel that men, en masse, seem to have developed an unrealistic expectation of women's weight?

I'm a size 12, which I think is a pretty standard size to be at 47 - neither curvy nor especially slim.

But yet another iron has just described me as "curvy" from my pictures......

Women of all sizes can be really attractive, I know - I know loads of women who are bigger than me and absolutely stunning.

It just feels a bit barbed somehow - like a backhanded compliment.

Another one I sent a full length picture (fully clothed) to and he just said " I like your hairstyle". My hair is completely normal and unremarkable - it's not something you would comment on. I felt almost like he didn't want to be too positive about my looks as a whole? But he has carried on chatting.

I've had relationships in the past where the man has actively worked to destroy my self esteem regarding my appearance (it's one of the things I had to work on in therapy), so it's possible I am over sensitive to possible negging?

But I don't want to go down that route again by any means......

Oh no! Hopefully a broken phone...

@Ilovelurchers I’m not sure actually. I’m the same dress size as you but very top heavy. I’m never sure whether to put average or curvy on my profile. I’m definitely not skinny but not large either.
Curvy can just mean that you have shape and lots of men like this.
Sometimes I do think we can look too much into innocent comments. Men aren’t always that tactful either and it can be more clumsy than intentional. The hairstyle comment is a bit niche if your hair is normal though.
Are there any other concerns? I’d be inclined to keep chatting and see if other stuff comes up that gives you an indication of whether they’re strange or just inexperienced online.

I do understand where you’re coming from though. With my exH I genuinely didn’t think I was all that attractive as he’d never compliment me and I was quite young. After I left him I got a huge amount of male attention and realised he’d just crushed my self esteem. I know I look good and I’m not letting a man affect me like that again.

This might be the one then!

Yeah, I don't know how I'd feel about that comment but then I'm size 14-16 & pretty self conscious about my weight. Men seem to be a bit clumsy with their compliments sometimes!

I'm a 16 and just chuck them in the bin. There is no need for it.

I was messaging Mr Tea last night, due to meet Wed but he asked if I'm also free tonight (I'm not). Seems keen but I'm pretty cautious as this is how ex (we'll call him Mr Oche) was to begin with...

I think you might be projecting a little there. I think men see "curvy" as a huge compliment are generally oblivious to all the baggage body shape descriptors can carry for many of us.

Thanks to everyone who responded to my "curvy" post with their thoughts - interesting to read the different perspectives.

I guess it's possible that he genuinely meant it as a compliment and wasn't aware that it carries possible negative connotations. (He is the second guy to use this term for me in quite a short time).

Ironically, hopefully without sounding arrogant, my figure is definitely the physical attribute I am most pleased with - I have a classic old fashioned "sexy" figure with broadish hips and breasts but a small waist - so yes, I do have curves!

(As does pretty much everyone, literally speaking - nobody is made up entirely of straight angles....)

I dunno - I would only ever use a tern like "curvy" if someone already described herself like that. Sort of like "dad bod" - I actually quite like a dad bod! - but I wouldn't say "Hey, loving the dad bod" to a guy who, for all I knew, considered himself really toned and svelte.....

Anyway, I think on balance I'll give the benefit of the doubt, but stay vigilant with this one. (I'm not bowled over by him anyway to be fair. He messages a lot, and the messages are sane - but a bit beige? And there has been no mention of a date so far, despite a few days of regular chatting ..... I'll call him Mr Curvy - that'll teach him! 🤣)

Happy Saturday, lovely daters!

Im quite self conscious of my figure tbh and I’d love to be called curvy! I’m a 10-12 but I have no waist, I’m kind of apple shaped and would love a bit of definition to my figure. I guess we’re all different though and it’s interesting to read everyone’s thoughts.

Like a pp, one of my ex’s never complimented me whereas I’m the kind of person who dishes them out a lot. It left me feeling really insecure and after I spoke to him I just felt like every compliment was a bit forced. My most recent ex used to pay me compliments all the time, it was lovely. Oh how I miss him!

This is kind of the reason I called off my date with Mr French yesterday, he just didn’t match my energy in general. Even when I messaged yesterday morning to ask if he was still up for the date, it was “yeh sure”. Yeh sure??!! So lukewarm and I just had a feeling it would batter my confidence if I took it any further with him 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Nosdacariad @Ilovelurchers @Polly1979 I felt a little shift yesterday morning when I was with him and it travelled. Went from booking a weekend away etc to crickets.

Going to match his energy and see what's what.

Isn't it funny, we are all our own worst critics....

I rarely talk about this, but I have had one or two periods of disordered eating in the past. I was never dangerously thin, but I did get down to a size 8, and would obsessively calories count and weigh myself.

I am SO much happier now, and I know that objectively I look better too - my face is less gaunt, my skin and hair are healthier, and I actually have breasts!

But there is still an indisious little voice, telling me how easy it would be to lose all the weight again (I am "lucky" I suppose in that I have always been able to drastically lose weight quite easily if I have needed to). And there is a certain savage satisfaction to that kind of self denial.....

So I think that might be why I am hyper-sensittive to comments like this, which may indeed be totally harmless, or even meant as a compliment!

I am so sorry you went through that with your ex, lovely - I have experienced similar, and it's awful. It eats away at your confidence, and plants seeds that are really hard to eradicate.....

You are totally right to avoid any dates who seem half arsed - I think we should all stick to this as a boundary. We are intelligent, funny, articulate, compassionate women, and these men are bloody lucky to get even the chance of a date with us! And if they can't show that by at least sounding enthusiastic at this point, just imagine how insipid they would be when they started taking us for granted!

I always tell dates I am excited to meet them. If they can't say something similar, honestly, they can fuck off.....

So sorry to hear this, lovely. I would tread cautiously with this one, when he comes back (which he almost certainly will).

Do you think he could be deliberately bread-crumbing you as a strategy? It sounds a bit like that from the outside.

And you deserve so much better! You deserve to feel secure.

Matching energy is a good plan. Don’t invest more than you get from him.
I had what seemed like a good match with a well written profile but his opening message was text speak. In a 48 year old man. I can’t even bring myself to reply.
Every single other match has their kids/teens when I’m free. Literally every one. It’s getting ridiculous now. I have a mostly free weekend and I’m not going to spend it chatting to men who aren’t so I’ve declined them all. One has said I don’t understand him. Which is a strange response and it won’t be successful.
I actually fancy someone I work with (not my department so it would be allowed) and I was really hoping for a date to distract me from him. He’s too nice to me and far too attractive. He won’t ask me out as I’m a lot more senior than him, but I need to shake this off and find someone more suitable.

Yeah it's starting to feel like bread crumbling. I've heard from him very sporadically but it's dry as hell. Absolutely not like him previously.

Shame. I thought this one had legs.

Ooh no, sorry to hear this. Total head fuck for you. This is what I hate the most about dating - the second guessing and how much of a roller coaster it can be on my emotions. I hope you get some clarity soon my love x

Ooh love, that was a slippery slope you were on and I’m so pleased you’ve recognised it and managed to reign it in.

My DD22 unfortunately has a dual diagnosis of bulimia and anorexia, since her mid teens. It’s a battle she’s still fighting now and she’s currently laid up in bed after working a 6 hour shift yesterday. She only works one shift a week and it almost destroys her.

Us women need to be confident in ourselves…..we are all beautiful inside and out, and I’ll never let a man make me feel anything less. My DD’s friend told her “a great way to lose weight quickly” for a summer festival when she was 15 (making herself sick). This girl didn’t get hooked and has finished uni, drives and has an active social life, plus a boyfriend. While my DD has none of these things.

Sorry for the super personal info…. I just don’t want any of you lovely ladies thinking you are “less” because of what you perceive in the mirror. We have to be our own biggest supporter. We are gorgeous!!! 😍🤍