The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Thanks. In person he's great.

I've no idea what the situation is with his parents, he has been out of live in relationships a couple of years.

I think not engaging with reality might be right x

Well maybe his parents are just quite hard work - I never introduced guys to my parents after 2nd marriage- just not worth it lol.

It’s easy to step outside reality of life - probably the job loss initiated it if he’s been single a whole. It’s all maybe overwhelming for him, so just ignores it. Trouble is it’s hard to step back in - but maybe he will do this.

It’s good he’s great in person. I’m sorry you’re having to think about all this stuff - dating is never simple is it - sigh.

Thanks for the support 😁 A new curveball has just been introduced which is a health issue that has apparently been going on for ages but just worsened very recently.
This is also a person who needs specs and drives without them (kind of the opposite of MrX 😅).

Ohhh - we need a questionnaire don’t we - get all this stuff out there pre date?!

Guess we all have a health issue or 2 post 50 - depends if the NHS gets its hands on you to test for these things we may prefer to not know! Though, of course, I don’t know how serious this is - hope it is not.

Maybe this plays into his paralysis of action - also the ED.

Not sure when you’re seeing him again - hope it’s a nice date though then it’s harder maybe.

Sounds all quite overwhelming so early on - look after you and do nice things for you and just maybe be a bit low key and see how it goes? I do know that’s a next to impossible thing to do in practice! But doing nice things is not - so do try that x

Tonight...wish me luck 😁

Definitely- the best of luck 🍀

I think it’s hard to decide whether to have a ‘great date night’ and forget the rest - or have a ‘important talk’ night and maybe miss the good/fun bits in these situations- but you’ll make the best choice I’m sure.

But good luck either way 🍀🍀

I work in quite a young, sociable industry, and it’s not unusual for people to spend time together outside of work. I agree it’s a bit unusual to ask given he and I don’t socialise outside of work. I think I need to be careful.

I also think I’m going to pause my OLD profiles for now. Mainly because Mr Nomad is here new weekend, work is super busy and I just don’t have time to see anyone! But also because I’m just not feeling it right now. There’s almost no one I want to match with, and even when I do match with someone I feel zero excitement.

@Nosdacariad I feel at this point you've got to look deep into yourself. Do you love him, or do you feel a little bit sorry for him and feel like you should be kind and give him a chance, beautiful person on the inside etc etc?

Honestly in hindsight I have dated people for faaar too long and sacrificing my own happiness as I wanted to give them a chance, be inclusive etc. Dated a guy with ED that essentially didn't manage his mental and physical health, and didn't make time for me, and had some really backward views, because 'he didn't have it as easy as me'. Ditto a refugee bloke who was funny and caring but also lived a total soap opera lifestyle, so much drama. But 'he had a hard life' so for whatever reason I let him in. Many other similar examples of how I dated guys that had no business dating me, and didn't even treat me that well.

It can be easy to confuse the feelings you're feeling while you're feeling them, but try to find a way to take a step back.

Clearly you already have a lot of doubts about this guy just a few weeks in... Do you really see yourself with him in 2-3 years time, enough in common to grow old together etc?

I do love him, but I love MrX and ended things with him because I could see my future and didn't like it.

I guess I'm trying to suss out what my future would look like with planes.

I had this so often with my ex. Literally used to think to myself ‘don’t ruin it we’re having a nice weekend’ when something was really getting to me
and the time that really sticks in my mind is pulling a long grey hair (doubtless belonging to his “friend” ) from the oodie he’d bought me and thinking ‘do you really want to have this argument now’ and I just let it go

@Nosdacariad Good luck with Planes tonight. Remember there’s no rush to decide anything. Just go with the flow, see how you feel, and listen to your gut feel.

@Nosdacariad I think it’s probably time to think carefully about what he adds to your life and what he’s capable of adding in the short to medium term. And is it worth it? It might be, but it’s not sounding as if it is.

I was in a LTR with someone I adored and he had periods of time out of work and drinking quite a lot. His friends actually said to me that they had no clue why I was with him. I was a senior manager working full time with two kids. But he was very attractive, good fun and he loved me. Until I realised his friends were right. I bankrolled him far too often and when I stopped and left he kept on the same path. He died a few years ago having never worked again and continued to drink. I’m thankful I stepped away but it took far too long. I should have left about a year in, not 3 years later.
I’m really cautious of financial disparity now and want an equal partner, or at least someone who works.

Thanks @BoxOfCats @Brightbluesomething @TheThingOnTheIce

It's funny because today I had an email from a colleague while he was on holiday. A colleague who I thought was gay until very recently. I cried when we both moved to separate projects...

So maybe there's other stuff going on. The colleague is not attractive but I adore and admire him...

No, you are not being horribly judge. Deciding who to have in your life as an intimate partner is a big decision.

We are not talking about a pal, acquaintance or colleague here. You can have empathy for someone's situation and still decide that that is not something you want to enmesh your own life with. You have to protect your own peace.

It sounds as though as time has gone on some areas of incompatibility have now surfaced. I would say now is a critical time for judging harshly. Don't let a fondness for a person or a desire for a relationship cloud that judgement.

@Nosdacariad I echo the other sentiments above. He’s moving fast and dropping all these bombs along the way. I wonder how many more will come to light? It’s okay to genuinely care for him but do put yourself first and foremost, I fear he may require a lot of looking after physically, emotionally and financially xxxx

I really empathise with this - it's like I struggle to give myself permission to stop seeing someone over issues like poor financial management, because I fear I am behaving like a gold digger or at least a rampant materialist......

I would be in a much stronger financial position now, with a lot more equity, if I had maintained higher boundaries regarding this.

I don't want to cohabit again, or certainly not until my daughter is grown and flown, so I guess it isn't so much of an issue now. But still, I want a guy who can at least pay his way, afford to contribute to the occasional meal out and weekends away..... And more than that, someone with his shit together. He doesn't need to be rich, but I do want someone hard working, steady, sorted in that sense......

Yes, I did note that he has already mentioned cohabitation/marriage. It could well be that he has just fallen for you hard - but still that sort of thing has the potential to be quite pressurising.

Stand firm - decide how you feel about him saying things like this, and if you feel it's too soon, tell him so. A decent bloke would listen to and understand words of caution about that.

And you deserve someon wonderful who makes you feel safe, as well as happy!

Thank you all.

I think I need to see a work ethic. That's key for me.

Hope you enjoy your evening.

I have a potential 5 short dates this weekend.
1 (Mr Portugal) confirmed for tomorrow at 6 and a second (Mr Library) who will let me know tomorrow for 8pm.

Saturday 1 (Mr Dad (he talks about his daughter the whole time!)) confirmed for 6.30pm.

And then 1 of 2 or indeed none at 8.30pm! (Not at the same time! I've mentioned to 2 matches that want to meet up that I'm available and so will go with whichever gets back first. Or also none if they don't!)

I will keep everyone updated. I really like Mr Portugal - he messaged 'i like your obstinacy' which really won me over 😂😂😂 He seems like a ladies man, but actually I think there should be more of them in the world 😂 (Honest ones!)

Mr Library is not my normal type, but there's something very interesting about him. I really like Mr Dad, but perhaps more in a friendly way, I guess we'll see. He's very reliable and great communicator but the chat has not been setting me on fire 😂

And if either on the others gets back to me I'll say more about them.

5??? You lucky thing!!! Hope 1 stands out.

Doing great @b0zza1 😁
Back from date, not a care in the world. It's like a spell 🪄🪄🪄

@b0zza1 I’m impressed, I can’t even find one person on OLD I’d like to go on a date with!

Wide awake at this annoying hour!

Im 44 and I prefer slightly younger men so I set my search to 33 as a lower age limit, and seem to get a lot of interest. And like you, probably more than when I was that age 😅

Oh he 100% has a crush!! But yes like you said, could end up slightly awkward in the future!

A work crush sounds so exciting though! I wfh now and I’m a nurse so predominantly female colleagues, but I remember many moons ago when I worked in the hospital and having the biggest crush on one of the physios 😍 I was certain he felt the same way but when I worked up the courage to ask him on a date he was actually taken 🙈 And one day, randomly, a junior doctor asked me out but he really wasn’t my type. A bit Mr Bean (not in looks but just so….bumbly!) Ahh I miss those days!