The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

He's a twat. He meets up with you for a date, spends all night on his phone, messages other women in front of you, gets pissed, sends you on your way at the end of the night, doesn't check up on you to make sure you got home ok. He's a real catch ( not).

What he should of done was treat you like a lady, leave his phone in his pocket all night, devote all of his attention to you, made sure you enjoyed the date, arranged a taxi/ transport home, escorted you to said transport, messaged you after a certain amount of time to make sure you had got home safe, and finally thanked you for a wonderful evening.
I've probably missed a few details, but you get my drift.

@CleanShirt @Nosdacariad
You both deserve better ❤️

Thanks @OneShyQuail 😘
@MrFlintstone do you think I'm being too picky? Male perspective?

I don’t think most people think you are being too picky. At the end of the day it’s an honest evaluation of your boundaries and compromises that you are willing to accept. Easier said than done when you’ve caught feelings. There’s a clever quote somewhere that says whilst you’re wasting time with the wrong person you could well be missing the right one. ❤️🫂

Definitely not. For me, his drinking is his coping mechanism for dealing with everything, it takes him away from reality, so he doesn't have to deal with it. What is also worrying, is the amount of time he spends with his landlady, are you sure nothing is going on between them. His drinking will also be affecting his health. He really needs to manage up, grab his whole life by the scruff of the neck and turn his life around, but only he can do that, and the more anyone says anything, the more he will resist.

I'm sorry, but if it was the other way round, I would walk away.

Thanks.

Landlady is 13-14 years older and just split up with her boyfriend so MAYBE but I don't get that vibe though they do seem quite enmeshed.

She has a nice enough attitude to me.

Agree. It's not time for a conversation. It's time to walk away.

@Nosdacariad, a thought exercise that often works for me......

If he suddenly took the decision out of your hands, and finished with you himself, how would you feel? Gutted? Or secretly relieved?

That sometimes helps me work out what I really want.....

The trouble is, what you REALLY want is a version of Planes, but without certain specific problems. I empathise with this so hard - I would crawl over glass for a version of my ex who was financially reliable, loved me and did not want other women......

My ex’s enmeshed female ‘best friend’ was of a similar age gap

Meanwhile, I've getting cold feet about my sleeping with Mr Teacher plan. He has sent me more poems. He really is VERY intense.

It's weird, because he is the sort of man I absolutely used to crave with my whole soul.

But it feels like there is something missing - a lightness or playfulness....

Also (and I realise this will make me sound shallow and pathetic), I know he admires my intellect, but he has said almost nothing about finding me physically attractive.

And I have had that before with other blokes, and I REALLY don't want it again. He is pretty keen to sleep with me - surely now more than ever he should be laying on the compliments with a trowel?

I've been swiping and chatting with a few others. I strongly don't want to just see him again because he feels like my only option......

I would be sad. But I don't want to end up more sad if I stay and the issues keep coming.

Oh dear, and how often did they see each other?

It sounds quite full on. I agree about the compliments.

Maybe wait a little and see how it plays out?

Who knows as it was often done in secret .

There is a chance that he is hiding a playful side/ thinks women like the intense side. Maybe set up a second date (ie an activity before the sex?) that would bring out some playfulness, and gauge it from that? Maybe something like mini golf or equivalent where people should mess around a bit 😅😅. Sorry you are feeling uncertain though.

@CleanShirt I’m sorry you are feeling awful. But remember this guy should be the one feeling awful for being such a disrespectful twat. Easier said than done I’m sure, but I’d suggest to walk away with your head held high.

@Nosdacariad i think the previous advice to consider how you would feel if he would walk away is good. I’d also suggest to think about how you want to feel six weeks in and whether he is meeting that.

So I’ve been brave and actually downloaded a dating app.

First observations:

• So many matches, so little chat! I appreciate it’s still working hours but I’ve got a funny feeling half of my matches will expire. Men really do swipe right on everyone don’t they?
• Already had a few lines like ‘women are unapproachable in real life’ and ‘I’m here for something serious and want to meet up often’
• Some of the first messages are really full-on, like ‘I bet you look breathtaking in real life’ or ‘Are you free to meet this weekend?’ What happened to hello and an intro?

On a positive note though… Damn, so many hot guys! I’ve matched with several theatre nerds and I don’t think I’ve met one IRL.

Why would he want to sleep with you if he didn’t find you physically attractive? Can you push back on the intense messaging and ask him to slow down?

Hi, can I ask which one you have joined.

I've just signed up to one called stitch. I don't think it's a full on dating site, but again it's one of those that reals you in only to find you have to pay a subscription to get any benefit out of it.

Good luck anyway, hope it works out for you, but please stay safe out there.

Well done you, that's an exciting first step!

Have you got some matches that you feel genuinely excited about/interested in? That you can imagine feeling attracted to in real life? If so that's a positive I think ....

I do think you are right, and that a lot of men simply swipe right on almost everyone, and then do their filtering later. So maybe when they see you have matched and look properly at your profile, they see things on it that put them off - maybe the area that you live in, or whatever.....

Also, you are clearly a very attractive woman and I do think that this intimidates some men - while they may have had the nerve to swipe on you, their courage may fail them when it comes to actually messaging. One of my best friends is an absolutely stunning woman, and she really struggles to get dates, and I do believe it's for this reason. I seem to find it slightly easier than her because, though I am attractive enough (I like to think) I am not so extraordinary looking that they would fear they will be making a fool of themselves..... I don't know if that resonates with your experience/makes sense?

Anyway, my advice would be to be fairly ruthless at this stage - you don't owe anybody anything, so unmatch anyone whose messages are off-putting, or who simply don't message at all.....

As for those who immediately open with a comment on how beautiful you are - to me it depends how that's done. I like a measured, realistic compliment and expression of pleasure at having matched - but if it's too full on, or too sexual, I tend to unmatch....

Anyway, enjoy (if you can) and keep us updated!

This is a perfect example of why I love this group so much - you all kindly share your wisdom and ideas and it sparks something.... I LOVE minigolf. My longest and happiest relationship (with my daughter's dad) involved a lot of minigolf - in fact it's something the three of us still occasionally meet up to do for family days, as it's just such a light, silly, fun way to relax and spend time together, and laugh at each other and not take ourselves too seriously....

And when I even imagine suggesting it to Mr Teacher! 😱 I doubt he has ever played a round of minigolf in his life. And that's exactly what I find tricky and slightly off-putting about the man - there seems to be a sort of serious somberness to everything he thinks, does and says. I know I am saying this based on a very slight aquaintance - I should probably give myself the chance to get to know him better. As there are lots of promising things about him. But minigolf kind of epitomises the sense of fun that feels missing, somehow.....

On a more positive note, I seem to be getting more promising matches now. I don't know if this is just luck, or if the algorithms of the apps start to pick up on the kind of people you match with/talk to more?

Either way, in the last couple of days I have picked up four or five irons who I am already talking dating plans with (a couple I like enough to have moved to WhatsApp with).

So whether I pursue things with Mr Teacher or not, I definitely think that matching with him has given me a confidence boost. I no longer feel filled with despair about the idea of ever finding anyone I can have an interesting conversation with.....

Still unsure whether to see him again or not. In a way it feels like quite a powerful position to be in - I am chatting to him quite openly and honestly, not worrying whether things I say might put him off (as if they do, that's a problem solved, so I don't really care).

OLD really is a rollercoaster of ups and downs, isn't it? I'm going to keep trying to find the fun in it. Minigolf is a GREAT second date idea. I really hope to get the chance to try it out soon!

I’m using Bumble. Was also considering Hinge but I think it’s pitched as very much ‘settling down’ do maybe not just yet.

What’s attracted you to this particular app? Any good?

Thanks for your message.

Not really set on anyone per se, but surprisingly seen so many profiles of people I’d genuinely want to speak to. I’ve set my location to a big city so think that makes a difference, previously I tried it in my area and there was just… nobody.

I don’t think I come across particularly attractive on photographs/ online, so I don’t think that’d be holding anyone back. People usually comment something like ‘you’re so attractive in person but on photos you look just ok’ which is about a fair assessment 😂

I don’t tend to mention people’s appearance at all in the chats or compliment - is that bad?

Instead I’ll pick up on something of substance like what languages they speak.

I’m also being pretty ruthless and filtering on nationality 🙈 I clearly have a type!

Oh and… Why does everyone say ‘I love to travel the world and eat amazing food but now ready to settle down’ 😂 Honestly, is it because of this nomadic lifestyle that we are all single? 😂

It just popped up in my FB feed and had a quick look, and it's not marketed as a dating site, it a sort of trying to bring people together, wether it's friendship or dating, it just gives off a more relaxed vibe.

Ok so planes dealt with the hard convo SPECTACULARLY well and has volunteered two things to make it better.