The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

So if you’ve got UC through stamp you’ve paid I think that bit of UC isn’t reduced through savings - I do think the part towards rent would still be means tested. There are ways around it - savings in someone else’s name usually.

Im glad it’s lovely in person - I know what ED is but not DE? Do you get any plans made in these times - or just enjoy the date?

Just keep observing and keep it light is still my advice - not that I’d follow it so easily myself ha.

Enjoy the date.

Delayed ejaculation - not able to finish. Very related to SSRIs.

You are right - I really think I should go for it. After all, dating is meant to be fun, not feel like a series of terrifying and unsettling job interviews for a job you don't particularly want, which is how I seem to approach it these days. ...

And what could be funner, than sex with an objectively very attractive man (who is absolutely "my type" to the extent that I have one - he is Italian, tall dark and handsome, and also a reassuringly big guy, and enderingly slightly scruffy..... Physically he appeals to me hugely). He's also intelligent, interesting, politically aligned with me, emotionally open and seems honest.....

When I write it all down, I wonder if my reservations are more about him than me. Maybe there is a cowardly little part of me (the part that my most evil ex really did a number on) that doesn't feel good enough for this gorgeous, clever man to be interested in me ....

You mentioned the sex probs before - has there been any improvement? And, crucially, do you feel like he is taking steps to address them?

I really feel for you, as it's clear from your posts that you feel so conflicted - it sounds like there is lots you like, even love, about him, but also certain issues that keep rearing their heads ......

All you can do, I guess, is keep enjoying it for what it is, but keep your powder dry. Don't gamble with anything you can't afford to lose, be that literally or emotionally......

He does sound troubled in certain ways. But don't we always fall for the troubled ones? I certainly do ....

But YOU are the PRIZE go strut your stuff 😘

It's a bit of a watching brief...

@ilovelurchershe will either calm down or love bomb or ghost. Time will tell. If you wanted to I’d go for the shag (strictly research purposes only 🤣). The amount of ED on here scares me. Will definitely be giving Holiday Homes a test ride early on. (To see if he can upgrade his title back!).
im early at this but one of the problems with OLD seems to me to be the out of kilter speed. You get to know someone before you’ve met them, then there’s too much expectation. I had the opposite with Mr Situationship where we shagged and then had to try and back track to building a normal dating pattern. We never got it right.

I think you are right. I really enjoy sex, and am relatively sexually confident - so I think I should just go for it! You are right about how OLD confuses things - you end up having quite deep and personal conversations with people before you have even met them, and then everything else has to kind of catch up...... It's a bit of a mind-fuck, to be honest.....

So where are you at with Holiday Homes/Horns now? When is your next meeting planned? And what are your feelings about him at present?

The boy is doing good. He connects really well on chat but gives more than he takes. He’s taken that on board and is opening up more about daily life. He’s useless at doing calls but we had a great conversation last night for an hour. I’m really liking him. ❤️. The sex thing does my head in. I want sex. If I’m female I’m supposed to hold back 🤷🏻‍♀️ when I just want sex! And maybe the relationship to continue!?!? Not back til July. If I feel the same. Reader I’m shagging him!

I agree with you completely about sex - I hate this prevailing idea that, as women, sex is supposed to be something we hold back, as some kind of power move.

If a bloke would be willing to have sex with me on a first (or early) date, but would judge me for so doing, then frankly he is the last person in the world I would want to end up involved with in any serious way. Because that would make him a mysoginistic hypocrite!

Sex done well offers even more pleasure to women than it does to men in my honest opinion (multiple orgasms, etc.....). So of course we (lots of us, anyway) love it, and want it, and why shouldn't we?

It's high on my list of priorities for a relationship, certainly. And any bloke who has a problem with that, can fuck right off......

Oh you definitely must with this update - I hope you’ve talked yourself into it anyhow lol!

Tbh the main sex I regret is not going for it - it was a zillion years ago, age 18 in early 80s - one of 3 guys in my life I had the proper instant hots for but propriety then plus he was said to be from a big family of players - still sigh slightly now!

The only downside to sex early on that I have had since is that if it continues a bit I can get attached - one-off ok but regular I ought to be more careful I know where we are at.

I didn’t really expect it to feature much at my age - or rather be a bit of a chore lol but glad I got a final fling at least with Mr Tree - the insane chemistry has ruined any future dating a bit probably though!

Go for it anyway!

All this shagging lol - go for it - get him back to his intended name of Mr Holiday Horns!

He sounds good for you and consistent as well - this will just be a great bonus.

Agree totally with rules being silly re females. Mr Situationship had 2 dates first - not exactly waiting I guess lol but more rules based - still ended up a situationship I wasn’t expecting based on early interaction. Mr Tree well straight into it essentially- we both wanted to and I didn’t care whether it was once or not at that point haha- still dating and made no difference- there would have been no point waiting.

We should be past all the ‘rules’ and ideas of waiting - you may both want to and that’s cool - you may not want to and that’s cool too. I don’t know how many guys go for a shag and run nowadays, hopefully not so many, but that’ll happen first or 10th date anyhow and they’re unwelcome for anything solid anyway.

Looking forward to updates - well you know! - I think it sounds promising all round tbh.

5th date with Mr Mullet. He was yet again sending other online matches photos. Photos of actual pints we were having together.

I'd made arrangements to stay at his but we both got quite pissed so I said I'd leave him to it. No argument.

Fucking sigh. It absolutely pains me but I'm going to have to let this one go aren't I.

💐- sorry about the date - but wow - it’s like he wants you sort of included in the rest of his dating - I’m not sure I can think of any great reason for this tbh. I tend to think it’s beyond honesty and into either brutal or beyond arrogant - or downright odd - abd completely disrespectful.

How did you know he was definitely doing this? I think you were fairly restrained tbh and you definitely kept your dignity here - and did the right thing.

5 dates isn’t nothing, and I know you were going to stay - so it’s very disappointing he was determined to be a proper knob.

Has he been in touch since? I expect he will be. Do you know what you’re going to say/do.

You deserve better - much, much better - you are the prize.

@CleanShirt I think you've become the 'cool girl' who is ok with everything yet actually you aren't. Hes an idiot for doing that but at the same time you must have given the impression you were ok with it. Get rid id say, or just tell him its just not for you

So was he saying ‘I’ll just send this to X from Hinge’, that blatant? If so he’s a prick and not worth seeing again.

Obviously nothing wrong at this stage with him speaking with / dating others but to be that blase about it is just odd. Do you think he might have been trying to provoke a reaction?

Sorry, CleanShirt. I saw your comment about this on the last thread.

It's one thing if it was a one off/slip up/you saw it on his phone & he probably forgot that you'd see it, but this seems almost deliberate? Like he's testing you to see if he can get away with it.

Honestly? 5th date in, that is disrespectful. How would you feel if a date sent you photos that were from another date, where the woman was oblivious? It is rude to everyone.

I have cautiously good news my end. After disaster date on Wednesday, I ended up matching and going on a date on Friday. Expectations very low, in light of previous experiences - and it was lovely, we have been texting a lot since, and have another date planned for this weekend.

I have butterflies, but not in a "I need to rip your clothes off now" way - more in a sense that this is someone who I really could feel a connection to.

I shall name him Mr Physics, after his job.

JFDI at least you will know everything works xxx Sorry to sound brutal 😁

He was sending matches pics of pints you were having openly while with you?

If so yes I think maybe you do have to let him go.

Or he has the emotional intelligence of a squirrel.

@BellaBlackberry83 this sounds promising 😁

Well planes and I are going to need a talk today that may not end well. I don't feel good about it.

The ex over the road turned up with wine last night and cut his hair. I'm sure for some that would not be a problem but he knows I'm not super comfortable and he has ignored that (though apparently very honest).

We have had one call a week and he has not made it on time to one of them (in pub with landlady, finishing watching a show with landlady, fell asleep).

Seven weeks in I feel like I should be becoming more of a priority.

Plus ex weirdly messaging me but apparently not wanting to meet.

Also the ED/DE which I'm seeing no steps taken on.

I need you guys to tell me now if you think I'm being uber picky/demanding?

You are definitely not being uber picky / demanding, @Nosdacariad. He has shown a disregard of your feelings, when you have been more than patient with him.

Seven weeks in, he should be showing you his absolute best self. You deserve so much more.

@Nosdacariad Honestly I haven’t liked this one from the start and I think he needs to get in the bin

Umm no - not Uber picky whatsoever.

I felt good vibes to start for you - though I think it moved a bit fast with the love and meeting family etc. Mind anything would compared to Mr Tree lol.

Whilst I’m sometimes dubious of Nr Tree’s interest I can say he is always on time, always does what he says he will, and I am confident in that - and that’s a nice feeling to have, but also a minimum of standards I think - especially when they should actually be showing their A game right now. He’s not offered what mightn’t be on the table going forwards either - it’s just very straightforward really.

Probably comparisons are not good for individual situations - but there’s a lot in your message that suggests Plane’s not showing up for you in a variety of ways - so not just one thing but several.

I suggested just watch and wait - but with all that you are saying then it is naybe time to have your talk. He will I expect promise better - I mean it’s also hard to do otherwise in a way face to face - and you could acceot that and monitor again - or you could pull it now - but what is your heart saying? Can you stick to that - or will give a further chance?

I hate these conversations and wish you the best of luck 💐