The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

It absolutely is not anything that you are lacking, and you must not think it is!

As you suggest here, some men (and indeed some women) just crave sexual and romantic variety, and a monogamous relationship will never fully meet their needs. You cannot simultaneously be several people! It's doesn't mean he doesn't fully fancy, like, and possibly even love you.....

I believe both my FWB are the same. The one who is my ex, we have discussed it in quite a lot of detail, and he said (paraphrasing) that he loves wooing/pursuing a range of people (the thrill of the chase); and loves the actual sex as he says it's always different and always feels like a new experience, even though some sex is obviously better than other sex.... For him to get fully happy in a "proper' relationship, he feels like that relationship would have to be open in some way or another.....

It must be true that some people enjoy sexual variety but are willing to put that aside, if they fall deeply enough in love with someone who desires exclusivity....... I don't know I would feel about that though, being properly romantically with someone, but knowing that in their heart of hearts they wish they could be free to date and sleep with other women also.

I know life is all about compromise, and all relationships require compromise to some degree. That's a big one, though ...

I'm getting ridiculously nervous about my first date with Mr Teacher tomorrow. He is the one I have been having really good, consistent comms with - way more interesting than any other chats I have had in this round of OLD. He even sent me a poem he had written! (I know that would be many people's idea of death, but I write poetry too and we had been discussing it, so when he sent it it felt appropriate and I was both interested and fairly impressed.

The trouble is, we have been going quite deep, but what if I don't fancy him at all? Or he doesn't fancy me? Or both?

I feel like a teenager - honestly, it's ridiculous. The only good thing is that it's tomorrow - not too much longer to wait. And then at least I'll know, and if there is no chemistry I can move on.

Either way, it's shown me the level of conversational connection I should be looking for pre-date, which has led me to end the majority of my other on-going chats.. I am going to set the vat a bit higher in future, and if that means fewer dates, and great patience on my part, then fair enough.

Ooh I'm excited for you!! Hope it goes well & the sparks fly. Make sure you update us tomorrow!

Enjoy the excitement!!!! It’s a great start. ❤️ 🤞

@Ilovelurchers this sounds very exciting for you. I hope you feel a chemistry spark tomorrow ❤️

I’m 50 and dating a 53 year old. He has the ED issue which I haven’t addressed yet, but hand on heart, I’m not sure I could entertain the housing situation. Retirement is imminent and I’m def looking for someone who’s not going to solely rely on me and has his own investments xxx

This is exciting - have a great time tomorrow and let us know how it goes!

@Nosdacariadsame as @coolpattern(53 and 60) but it’s the only thing and he is proactive about it. The rest of the relationship there are no red or even amber flags - he is consistent, caring and shows up. He’s not rich by any means but is financially stable and has a house (albeit needs work!)

That said, he clearly has something about him which means you are at least willing not to make any hasty exit decisions and see how it plays out?

@Ilovelurchers I hope you have a fab date tomorrow 🤞. Can I be nosy and ask what happens with the FWB if you meet someone you want to date a bit more seriously?

Pensions are something he does have but I get you.

Ilovelurchers What time are you meeting & what are you doing for your date? I'm exited for you!

Nosdacariad I'm sorry that it's so difficult for you. I do know what you mean, we all have our own habits/lifestyle choices that may irritate a different person. Ultimately it's just the choice of 'Are these niggles something that I can live with or are they deal breakers?' & either answer is fine, because it's your life (& then I imagine you find out something else that you also aren't quite sure about?)

MrFlintstone I've never tried POF. I felt like that the first time I tried Hinge but when I tried again, a year or so later, it was easy, so I don't know what was wrong with me the first time

@IlovelurchersAwwwww that’s so cute! So excited for you! Hope it goes well.

Thanks to all the well wishers. Meeting him at 8 - have agreed to go to a pub near him as his is a nicer area. We are both on the outskirts of the same city though (so transport shouldn't be a problem if we hit it off!)

He has been messaging as normal today - he never messages much from work, which is completely fair enough! But he sent a couple of interesting things, so if he cancels now I will be shocked as well as sad....

As for my FsWB (somebody asked this), I have always said that I would stop the B side as soon as I met someone I wanted to be exclusive with, who wanted the same. It's possible I am underestimating how painful I would find that.

Interestingly, Mr Teacher has mentioned ENM as one of the kinds of relationship he would consider. (He is also open to a "normal" relationship he said) So it's just about possible that if he and I do hit it off, I might end up having my cake and eating it, so to speak......

I dunno though. I am not sure I could be happy with someone I was deeply in love with having other partners. It's not the sex that would bother me so much as the dating, the romance, the closeness.......

But I shouldn't get ahead of myself. I haven't even laid eyes on Mr Teacher yet!

Ooh - tonight - fingers crossed.

So personally an actual poem probably no, but that’s very specific and actually I totally get it was good for you, and a great the conversation connection- Mr Tree and I messaged a lot re policy/thought type stuff at first and my daughter said she’d rather stick pins in her eyes lol - as many here probably would lol - it’s a lovely thing to be able to discuss/talk around mutual interests. We now do this in person - and I really like this part of the whole.

It does raise the bar massively though going forwards - I’m quite worried about having to return to OLD ha!

I have actually, now I think, received a draft of a first chapter of a novel - it was really good - my subject is literature and interest in reading so that’s where that came from. I specifically realised that it was showing me a level of trust as well as that connection- like I said a lovely thing.

Good luck tonight - relax and enjoy 🍀

Hi - I’m at 2 months with Mr Tree - we are still dating essentially though - and idk where/if that’s going to change.

I think 2 months is maybe a time where it’s beyond just meeting/dating and starting to move into something else - I appreciate you have really moved on that already, but it’s also a time I think we settle from the initial kick and start to ‘know’ them and maybe ‘notice’ stuff. And I guess it’s a time of decisions on whether you go forwards or bin out.

I know I see more differences in views as we talk more - or mainly be a bit more ok to push a viewpoint- so far still ok.

I wouldn’t have any issue with Mr Tree’s situation- we’re fairly similar, not that that matters as we are. However, Date 1 with Me Not for Me I did notice he was living with his son and didn’t have a specific job, though made out there were plans, but I’d definitely have been hyper aware of if I’d continued - I don’t like to judge, and I didn’t, shit happens, but I guess I may have been concerned about protecting myself.

This self protection I think comes with age as I’ve certainly jumped in without thought in my younger years.

I think maybe this is a time for you not to make a decision but to just observe, collect the information and eventually you will have enough of it, or get a specific feeling around it, whether to continue or leave.

Is there ever a seamless part of dating? Lol

Good luck with it all.

Thank you @MsJinks 💐💐💐

On UC and in pub every day so far this week...would that bother you?

Yes !!

Yes. Ask yourself what he can bring to a relationship with you versus what he can take. Who is going to come out benefitting the most versus who is likely to give the most? Is that sustainable long term?

Late DH was always in the pub before we moved in together. He stopped when we moved in (and he drank a helluva lot more than planes).

Where is the money coming from though?! It's not a sesh but £15 a night adds up.

During the working day when he should be either looking for a job or getting his business off the ground? Yes, this would bother me.

It is an easy thing for guys to do when they don’t want to sit in - and it is the World Cup at the minute.

A friend of a friend is supposedly saving to move back out of his parents - around 60ish, since losing his home last year - he is however consistently in the pub - I guess a few quid in the pub as against £1500 or more for a rental or £15k plus for his own seems minor at the time perhaps.

He doesn’t though have the love of a good woman, which may change things, as they did for your late husband, and may or may not for Planes.

I think it sounds aimless and like he’s waiting for something to change rather than driving that change - I find it easy to do this - though I doss and surf MN rather than the pub lol (though I do work and have my own place) - but you have to get your adult pants on and not let it become a bad habit I guess.

Maybe just see how it continues- or how he is outside of that - if he’s driving change and working and just in the pub as bored/wind down it’s maybe not too bad - if he’s avoiding life then when will he step back in?

Don’t torture yourself with a zillion scenarios of how it may play out - you don’t know yet - I think your heart isn’t quite ready to make a cut anyway. I say this but honestly know how hard it is to wait and see - definitely not my natural approach.

Do nice stuff for you too, just for you.

Yes if it was during day. Not so much if it's because he's socialising watching the world cup at the moment. If it continued after that though I'd have concerns.

I can't remember what you previously said about his plans for work - is he actively looking for work?
Does he have any other interests/hobbies he could be doing instead of the pub?

Well Mr Tea hasn't followed up to confirm our date tomorrow so I guess that's now off 🙄

I was going to ask where is the money coming from. Is his ex maybe helping him out? In my experience on UC, most of the time they don't pay the full rent so you have to top that up out of your single persons allowance so you are 'short' to begin with.

Not that the money matters in the grand scheme of things, but yes, I wouldn't date another man who was in the pub every day. Even if he wasn't getting pissed, & that probably just means that he's got a high tolerance for it, but I've been there, done that with a man who spent every day in the pub. Never, ever again.

Sorry to hear that! It amazes me how often this happens. Such a lack of basic courtesy.