The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Variable I think 😁

I'm not sure I can...he is great in many ways with a lot of amber flags.

I don’t think there are rules but I just find with coffee dates personally for me it feels more of a “friend” environment. Similar to you I had someone tell me he couldn’t feel a “spark” but I’m just not sure there is one to feel having a coffee and chat with someone. I think they are fine as a pre meet to a proper date.

I think you need to just take time to figure out what dates and environments work best for you, I’ve found meeting for a drink, walk or dinner was best for me.

How long have you been seeing eachother now? Are you feeling more unsure as time passes?

Are the amber flags actually impacting the time you spend together? Or is it more concerns about what the future might look like with him?

@NervesOfCotton Luckily not that close a neighbour! It’s probably just under a 10 min walk, maybe 2 mins by car if that? We already discussed at the weekend that it will be great once I move as it will be easier to catch up on a weeknight. Typically we see each other once a fortnight at the weekend as we’re both quite busy. Whether this eventuates or not remains to be seen…

@Betsy95 I’m starting to think you’re right about coffee dates, I’ve only had one that went on to a 2nd date!

Ahhh that’s a shame. How long is it likely to be before you see him? Do you think he still thinks you’re interested in him in that way?

He definitely is still dating other women, although I’m unsure how frequently at the moment. I think he likes variety and doesn’t want the time, energy and emotional commitment of a relationship.

I think he genuinely really likes me and just really enjoys the nicer aspects of dating. He is always complimenting me, very considerate when we are together, will do thoughtful things like get my favourite pastries in from a local cafe if he knows I’ll be staying over, help with practical stuff etc. Which is why I think I need to remember that him not wanting a relationship is not because of something I’ve done or to do with me personally… I think it’s just him if that makes sense.

@BoxOfCats how will you feel if he announces he has met someone to focus upon? That happened to me - and somehow the guy went from meeting the girl to being in a relationship within two weeks. Much to my delight, and her good fortune (seriously - I’d warn any woman off him!); they then split a few months later.

Oh that's good!

Getting on for two months, I keep finding things out (naturally) and they are 50% great and 50% not so great.
It's hard to explain really.

That does seem like a short period of time for so many doubts to surface. It should feel easier 2 months in.

Maybe give it another month or two then see how you feel. It’s so tricky.

@Betsy95 @Clarabella77 I agree it should feel easier, but I don't know if this is a feature of nearly 60 yo men. Mr X had a lot of issues that showed early.

Now I might be hyperaware as a result of that and I would gaslight myself by saying maybe other women wouldn't have a problem, but not having a job or own home at that age plus exes at every turn, plus a pub habit...

@Nosdacariad ultimately it is for you to decide, but I think at this stage you should be feeling honeymoon period. Of course, “red flags” will surface. But they should be things that you decide are simply about two people being a bit different/ as nobody is perfect, and things that you can navigate together, rather than a fundamental issue that will cause unhappiness or conflict.

But are you in this age group? I may be making excuses but I wonder if it's an age thing.

Until MrX I would absolutely have said what you said.

I have just ended my 7-month casual thing because I wasn't being truthful to myself that I actually wanted more. It is a big step for me because I have a pattern with unavailable men. What made it hard was that he was truly great. The best guy I have ever been involved with. But it was stuck in a very clear pattern to suit him. I enjoyed it and don't regret it.

I have one prospect left. He is a lot older and very very keen. We had a great first date but unsure if I fancy him. He texts all the time, which I find off-putting. Currently deliberating whether I meet him for the second date we have lined up.

I have deleted Hinge so if this doesn't go ahead, I am having a reset and focusing on my real life. And taking a bit of time to move on from the casual thing, which was getting in the way of other connections.

Sorry to hear that happened to you! Yes that would be very rough indeed. My gut feel is that he’s unlikely to change. 48.:no kids, never been married, single 6 years now. I could be wrong, but admittedly will be devastated if I am.

So went on my date with Mr Convenience at the weekend and he was actually a lovely guy. We got on really well and he wasn’t bad looking but I just couldn’t see myself ever fancying him though and I’m not sure why. Maybe a slight vibe mismatch? I felt a bit guilty as the date did go well and I think he expected a second date but I told him there was no spark for me.

Better news with Mr Musical though as he asked me out for a 2nd date! We’re meeting next week for a drink/meal. We’re getting on well so far and have lots in common so looking forward to the next date.

Also chatting to another guy, Mr Culture. The chat’s been good but he’s overseas at the moment so he will often go several days without messaging. He’s back this week and has tentatively said about meeting so I’ll see if he follows up. He’s very confident and could be a bit of a player but he seems an interesting person so I think I would meet him as I’m curious!

@Polly1979 Oh that’s a great update, so lovel to hear about Mr Musical! I know what you mean about Mr Convenience. Actually I would say I have had a lot of first dates where I’ve got on really well with them but there’s just no spark. Sometimes I worry I’m calling to too soon, but then life is also too short to keep putting in the energy when the vibe isn’t quite right.

A month! Yes he knows the door is open. I backtracked. Plans for date 3. But said if anything happens in the meantime IRL for either of us that’s fine but I did say (and I know this is a no no) that I’m a one at a time person and he agreed. I’m sticking to the 90’s for now.

Well I’m ducking clueless. Don’t ask me 😂😂🤣

Well I made an account on plenty of fish last night. It took me about half an hour or more to make my account, went on it for 10 minutes, didn't have a clue how it worked, kept getting all sorts of notifications that I didn't understand, then I realised everything was American, 10 minutes later account deleted. Wow! How the hell do those sites work 😂

No! I deal with men in late 30s/ early-mid 40s. So I can’t comment on your side !