The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Apologies for the delay. I've been busy 😂😂😂

This will be date number 1! 6 first dates and counting in this round of OLD, and have yet to get to a second date! (I did meet up with one, Mr NHS, a second time, but that was more as a friends thing, as he was only interested in ENM, and although I do have a couple of FWB currently and an open to that, for me the chemistry and attraction has to be really intense to make FWB worth it. I did have a kiss with Mr NHS, and it was OK, but not enough to make me want to go any further).

I am enjoying the chat with Mr Teacher more than any other I have had this round - in fact it reminds me a little of my initial chats with my ex, who I met on Tinder. I just can't tell from his photos whether I am likely to fancy him or not - he looks quite hot in some, and uninspiring (to me personally - it's so subjective) in others. I often find this on people's profiles - the photos are so variable they could almost be of two (or more) entirely different people.

He has "warned" me he's had a buzz-cut - and I do favour a sexy convict look - so I am cautiously hopeful. Of course, it's also entirely possible he won't fancy me....

I'm over thinking it a bit (can you tell?). Which is good in a way, because I haven't really felt invested enough in any of the others to give it very much thought.

We will see!

I have not noticed the weight thing at all. I'm size 12 to 14 with a slim waist and larger bum and breasts and I am technically curvy. I don't think anyone has commented using that word. It would definitely be a bit of a turn off, but for me it's more unimaginative that it is a comment on weight. I know that it is an inappropriate euphemism for fat and so I'm not saying it's ok he said this.

I'm the same re negging. But please never describe yourself as oversensitive. One first date said 'you know I'm joking when I say it's your fault' and I said it's not my kind of humour and it's not a joke if I don't find it funny. I have zero tolerance to any semblance of negging. Not cos it's a slippery slope or a red flag I just don't take pleasure from it. Same way if someone was sniffing all the time and I would raise that with them. 'Here's a tissue' etc Most interestingly for me I can have a quite sharp/mean sense of humour and an ex asked me to stop making those jokes about him and I stopped immediatley and I felt SO much better in myself! I think it was just my insecurity. My last boyfriend was so sweet and before I met up with him I would say to byself 'be sweet, be sweet, be sweet' he brought out who I wanted to be. But the other ex was very helpful. Made me see I didn't need to do that and also how easy it is to stop. Totally empowered me to just tell guys to stop making jokes I don't find funny and if they don't then game over. If I can (and feel better about myself cos I'm not putting someone else down) then they can.

Exactly!!! Matching energy. My ex was so energetic in every way - still bowls me over to think about it. He said that he had never just laid in bed in the morning and that was something new I brought to him. Made me laugh so much!

I was thinking about you, when I was thinking of my ex. I 've had a slightly converse reaction - where now I've met one of him, I believe there will now be more. Like meeting an alien 😂 I didn't believe I was capable of a healthy relationship with a man my equal and he showed me I am. I'm grateful and now I'm more open to men who are sweet and kind and equal to me.

Right I tried to catch up. But that's as far as I got!

SO my update.... Part 1

My weekend dating marathon as someone called it was a dating marathon of 2 halves.

Friday
I met Mr Portugal
Mr Library had childcare duties (he handled this really well, flagged he might have them and so didn't want to book a date in case he had to cancel and I said it's fine to let me know on the day when he knew). However he didn't suggest an alternative date and so I'm letting that one go.

So to Mr Portugal.... He is a racist!!! I was SO fucking annoyed. (thanks to whoever was posting on here before about their same experience - was SO helpful). I said that I didn't see it how he saw it and in fact more the opposite. He asked me not to right him off and I said I think it's an issue when people's underlying beliefs are so different. I need to figure out how to filter for this before my coffee dates. Because he emigrated to the UK almost 20 years ago it didn't even occur to me this could be a thing! But of course that's me just stereotyping!!!!

I am furious that I wasted my evening on a fucking racist. We met in a bar for drinks (I had mocktails) at 6.30pm and it was going really well and so we walked together to where there was some live outside music - he was racist on the walk, but we had already spent an extra hour together and then I couldn't wait to get away, but stayed for a polite amount of time at the music, which I was very much enjoying even if it was with him. Mistakes were made!

Saturday
7pm date with Mr Dad. He booked us a table for a quick dinner. The food was amazing and we got on well, but I think we are tempermentally unsuited. He works in a bank and is very rat racey (survival of the fittest type ideas - like there are so many dickheads 'out there' whereas I'm more a 'everyone is trying their best with the cards they have been dealth' kind of person!). I have dated hedge fund folks before and they seem very different to bankers.... I'm not defending either kind 😂

I would be open to a second date though I don't expect it to go anywhere, but I would tell him my reservations before, so that he's clear where I'm at. I don't know if he would even want a second date. I would guess he would, but I'm not sure how many dates he would be getting other than me. No offence to him, or indeed me!

9pm Mr Cricket - his game finished early and he came out to meet me for drinks and some dancing at a music event. I was clear that it would only be 2 drinks and I'd be off for an early night before he made the trip. I drank beers which is very unusual for me and the date went very well. I don't know if that's related 😂 He was upfront and said he wants to see me again and I liked him - smiling as I'm writing this. He's a kind of IT nerd jobwise but is cheeky and a bit wild to go out with. Not too all over me, but very clearly liked me and was confident about expressing that. I said what about if I had other dates to go on and he said 'you can do whatever you want' which was very attractive to me - this was while we were hugging goodbye. (I don't kiss on first dates.) He doesn't come across as bf material (he's 34yrs and I'm 48yrs) but could be a nice relaxed friends with bens. We'll see.

But what a lovely evening in stark contrast to Friday and I was home by midnight 😂

I would also say that this weekend continues to echo my experience where men my age or older are not very straightforward and/or don't have much to offer me. I don't mean materially I just mean of themselves. It's like they think they are the prize 😂

Lurking and loving this thread. Full disclosure — I'm building Our Alcove, a tool around guided relationship conversations, so I read the Rules at the top with great interest 🙂

"Develop a thick skin" and "don't invest emotionally too soon" are such good armour, and god knows OLD makes you need it. But the thing underneath all of it is that everyone here is still showing up hoping to actually be met — and that's not naivety to be trained out of you, it's kind of the whole point. The thick skin's just there to protect the soft bit that still wants it.

@b0zza1 the 100-to-1 funnel is genuinely inspired, and @Ilovelurchers - a man who fixes the washing machine and turns up to the date? Hold onto Mr Cars 🤣

@b0zza1 So sorry to hear about Mr Portugal. It’s unbelievable that these kinds of people really exist.

I don’t really have any advice on how to screen out racists. I’ve been lucky enough not to meet any yet via OLD but I’m an ethnic minority where I live so I assume anyone racist must just swipe left on me.

@Ilovelurchers Ohhhh that’s super exciting! I know what you mean about photos, it’s so hard to tell. I notice some apps allow for video as well as photos and it’s a lot more helpful. Hope it goes well - great chat isn’t a guarantee, but of the people I’ve had the best dates or a relationship with, the chat has been great from the start.

Had a lovely date with Mr Charismatic last night. Winter here, so he took me out to a cosy little wine bar that’s walking distance from his house (and my new house when I move next month). Beautiful wine and food. When we got back - we made some ice cream in the Ninja Creami a friend has leant me, which was fun.

Mr C has also invited me on a mystery date in 2 weeks. No hint of what it could be - just turn up at X time and dress nicely. Unusual for him to be so planned ahead with a date, so I’m quite intrigued to see what it will be!

@MrFlintstone i went for Bumble. Surprised to see very different men from my last foray 18 months ago…good luck to you!

Ooh I'm intrigued! Glad that you are still having fun with him

b0zza1 Your Mr Cricket sounds lovely! I love a geeky type of guy! Sounds like a great date.v

Sorry about Mr Portugal. So disappointing.

It just seems to be assumed, by some men, that we all think the same way?

I had a terrible first date a few years back where we'd been friends for a while first, no hint of any racism ever. But on the date he just let it all flow out, that he basically hated everybody apart White people who were born in Britain (& women only just got a pass, it was basically only White British men who met his approval) I couldn't believe that he was just so open about it all.

More recently, I had a date & whilst we were having a walk, he gestured to some foreign men & said something like 'That lot are everywhere aren't they. You can't even go for a walk without seeing them. They shouldn't even be here. Don't pretend you don't agree with me'.

Like Ilovelurchers, I didn't call him out on it, just being aware of my surroundings etc, so I shrugged (not really knowing what else to do, to avoid conflict) & he then said 'Silence is okay, because I know that you agree really'.

It still makes me angry to think of that.

It was a very strange time, wasn’t it! I always had boobs and hips from a young age, more so than other girls of similar age, and because of that shape people would have used phrases like ‘a fuller figure’ and ‘curvier girls like Kelly Brooke’! Size 10 being a fuller figure? Hmmm! But being Kate Moss or Amy Winehouse slim was the ideal back then, wasn’t it?

They are certainly formative. Although most men I know from that generation actually say they never liked size zero, and use ‘curvy’ as a compliment.

As an aside, I wonder how young girls feel these days where a Kardashian-like figure is celebrate? Do smaller and skinnier girls have complexes now?

As a woman, I feel like my formative ideas come to the picture, too, when dating. Subconsciously my type is certainly someone like Brandon from 90210 or Brian from Backstreet Boys 😂

I also caught myself thinking… Sometimes men my age/ older pay attention to me and I think in my head ‘hmmm they’re a bit old, do they really think it’s appropriate?!’. Then I realise that actually they’re my age as newsflash, I’m older now. It’s hard to readjust the brain to realise that I’m 35+, therefore men 40+ are my appropriate dating range, not predators 😂 Feel like I’m out there eyeing up guys under 40 and need to rewire.

@b0zza1 Oh my, what did Mr Portugal say/do?

Unfortunately I feel like racism is a common thread many single men have. Perhaps now we know why they’re single! I look like a trad wife from Trumpland and therefore racists think I’m racist too, and are very open with me about their views… It’s really prevalent unfortunately. I even overhear conversations where someone is ‘not Italian enough’ because they have an ancestor from the outside

@Ilovelurchers I genuinely think the guy who commented on weight was a bit clumsy with his wording.

Just a word of warning, there are girls in our school at the age of 10, not eating lunches because they are worried about being fat. So I always feel its really important to be a role model and try not to let our anxieties take over. Im a size 16/18 now, but the exes ive had have all been super fit 6 pack men. I guess im saying they weren't bothered about my belly so why was I beating myself up about it

Aww thank you. Yes, he’s so lovely. Just doesn’t want a relationship 🤦‍♀️

Oh my Christ😱

@Ilovelurchers 2 days then unmatch.

@MrFlintstone Have you big red teeth?

Also JOURNO ALERT 😱

This sounds so lovely! ❤️

And so sorry to hear of everyone's experiences with racist men. I suppose racism is very prevalent, so it's no surprise we will come across them.

I had one a couple of days ago who said he had read my profile and needed to warn me he was "right wing" before we continued chatting. I wondered if he meant racist. I unmatched, either way.

Please stay safe everyone - of course part of us will want to challenge these guys, but we shouldn't risk our safety by doing so. Especially as, tragically, the challenge is like to make zero difference to what they actually believe.

So agree with your final paragraph!

I’m unlikely to get a racist date as I get out my activism for anti racism early on - but I appreciate that’s different as it’s an activity I do and so talk about. I always used to assume most folk (male and female) weren’t racist till they were - now I wonder if it’s the other way around sadly, particularly male!

I have had messages winding me up - or trying - but that’s easy. I think I’d try to leave a date, but safely - some racists I see on protests can be very angry folk tbh though they often have so many other poor attributes I guess they get few dates anyhow ha!

I’ve had in the street comments from folk - I’m 60, blonde and guess folk assume, though I don’t meet standards of a Trump land trad wife @ElleintheWoods bless you - I find it very annoying and wonder whether to take a look at myself. If possible - ie safe and not ruining anything, such as a work thing, then I call it politely and try a bit of reason - I don’t think that has ever worked except I feel better!

It’s easy to want to snap at folk with such views - it’s better to be the better person - and much, much better to remain safe.

At least a first meet filters the tossers fast - stay safe.

I spoke to one of my FWB about this earlier - he is dual heritage, and expressed quite strongly that he felt I (and by extension I suppose any other woman in the same position) should be extremely cautious about challenging views like this in a dating situation, even if we feel it is safe to do so at the time (in a busy public place for example).

Paraphrasing a little, he said that, as I have not grown up a target for racism, I underestimate the degree of hatred/spite harboured by (some) racists, and the lengths they might go to to act out this hatred. He pointed out how easy it would be for someone to follow me back to my flat, for example.....

I don't know how I feel about this, just like I don't know how I feel about the "ordinary" (except they are not ordinary, are they? Or they shouldn't be!) precautions we have to take as women to keep ourselves safe from mysoginistic hate crimes...

And in a sense, it's "easy" for the men who care about us to advise excessive caution, elaborate safety checks etc, because they are not the ones compelled to live their lives like this.

(Though in the case of my FWB that's not fair & he obviously does know what it is to have to live his life constantly vigilant for racial hate - I remember the first time we went to my local pub together, for example, him expressing relief that there was a group of black lads and white lads drinking together outside, as it implied we'd be unlikely to draw disapproval as a black/white couple..... )

Sorry, that was a bit of a pessimistic ramble

Just after my lovely date with Mr Charismatic on Saturday - I noticed just now that he has updated his dating profile on Bumble 🤦‍♀️ I mean, to be fair, I am dating other people too so can’t judge. And he’s been quite clear about not wanting a relationship. And I still really enjoy seeing him. It did still sting a little though 😥