The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Your poor DD - that must be horrendous, both for her and for you. And how brave she is, for battling away and still working when she can, even though it takes so much out of her.....

It's terrible, the way we are conditioned to hate our natural bodies, from such a young age, and the lengths we are tempted to go to to transform them.....

Thank you for sharing, lovely - I know it must be difficult to do, but it's certainly reminded me of how important it is to avoid anything, and anyone, who even slightly makes me feel like my body isn't good enough, and tempts me to go down that path again....

Not just for my own sake, but for my daughter's - she is 14, and even though she is utterly beautiful, I have known her already to make critical comments about her weight. (What she calls her "double chin" - it isn't at all, she just has a slightly rounded chin - but I am sure most of us know that feeling of having a certain feature we don't like, and become obsessed over....). I wish I could protect her from the world and its judgements, but I can't. But the one thing I CAN do and must do, is role model "normal" eating, and being happy and proud of the body I have, including its curves!;

I really hope your wonderful DD continues her recovery, and goes on to enjoy all the lovely things in life she deserves to!

Sorry to hear this, thank you for sharing, that sounds really difficult and stressful. It seems to get harder being a mum as they get older as their problems and emotions become so much more complex and out of our control. It sounds like you're an amazing mum!! Xx

It's definitely a reminder to us all to make sure we love ourselves and role model this to our kids.

I was just wondering, do any of you have a hard boundary/policy about unmatching if you haven't heard from someone for a certain period of time?

I have been wondering about this. I have three or four chats on both Bumble and Hinge, where I exchanged a few messages and then they lapsed into silence several days ago.

I tend to just let them remain, if they are someone who initially interested me in some way. I suppose I am thinking that they may have had something going on in their lives, or maybe started seeing someone but it may not work out, so I leave it open for them to come back.....

But I wonder if I am doing myself a disservice there, and I actually ought to assert more of a clear boundary, and just unmatch after a certain length of silence.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

Still no dates for me yet, a couple of chats but I’ve decided were not for me, this time it’s about getting the right one so I will be carefully selective who I let in.

First chat this week, was going well, then I just felt I should ask his living arrangements, I’m so glad I did, it turns out he’s still living with ex(no kids) but apparently not been together for 4 months. I decided I want someone that has moved further on than this.
Second chat, unfortunately I couldn’t move past the fact his childhood was deeply saddening, too traumatic to say on here, whilst incredibly sad, it was too much too soon, I feel like it would always be a heavy burden, plus he had updated his profile pic while talking to me, that irks me too.

@IlovelurchersI have a few chats archived that have gone past 7 days in bumble, just the ones that were pleasant but fizzled out. I will unmatch sooner if I’ve decided we are not compatible at all or they have over stepped my boundaries

Well, I find myself searching this thread again because it’s coming up to summertime and it would be great to have someone to go out and do things with🤣🤦🏼‍♀️ Not the best way to start a relationship but you never know who is out there I just wondered which are the apps that seem to have the best options. I mean I’m mid 50s and the pickings are not rich. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I dont unmatch but thats probably because im curious about people's behaviour so like to see how it plays out.
if they eventually do message after several days, I usually dont pursue it as am left with the feeling they're only back because it didnt work out with one of their 'irons" and I don't want to be someone's 2nd choice

Ilovelurchers I only give them 24 hours after no response. If I really like them, then I'll wait a few more hours. Otherwise, they just pop back when they feel like it & I'll only think 'Well I'm your fallback because it didn't work out with the ones you really liked'.

I know, destructive thought process.

Bullets dodged. 👏 well done.

I was thinking of asking the same question but from a man's point of view. I'm mid fifties and wondering which free dating apps are best for a man.

Just catching up with the thread!

@empirebiscuits12 Yeah you’ve made the right call. If this is the FIRST date and he can’t participate in the planning properly, then what about subsequent ones?

Accepting stuff like this is why most of my relationships have been of the variety where I plan every activity. Nice for me in ways as I get to do what I want, but it’s not really an equal relationship if the guy can’t plan like an adult.

Dare I ask if you met him on Bumble?

@Mildred007 Again I feel the inability to juggle an inspection and texting shows you what to expect in the future if this goes further. ‘Got an important work thing, I’m going to check out from our relationship’

It’s not right or wrong but if it’s not for you, it’s not for you

People do show/tell you who they are pretty early, we just sometimes choose to ignore and hope they improve/ change

Perhaps men don’t get out enough and think that internet women’s body type is representative of most women? Even though they’ve never seen an Insta thirst trap kind of woman in real life and all the women they do see day-to-day are normal real-life women?

Maybe it’s also specific to your generation, ie the whole heroin chic era? And ‘curvy’ being seen as a compliment these days? Most men from that generation I interact with seem to have quite strong opinions about women’s bodies and think curvy is a compliment, ie a page 3 body type.

I caught the tail end of heroin chic and would have been a slim size 10 back then. The amount of weird comments I used to get was incredible. My bf who really loved me went ‘are you a model for like, bigger sizes?’ Or ex MIL referring to me as full-figured! Lots of other comments. Remember the media used to called Geri Halliwell and Kate Winslet big?

I think a lot of 40+ people haven’t really grown out of the body type labelling of that era.

Of course, you are quite right - you reminded me that when I started dating my daughter's dad, who was 19 at the time, I remember he had a picture of Kate Moss as his screen saver. We thought she and Pete Doherty was aspirational role models, for some now unfathomable reason!

And perhaps that love of the slighter woman has never really left some of these guys. One's formative sexual fantasies are just that I suppose - formative!

Your boyfriend saying that to you, at a size 10, and not even trying to put you down, but as a genuine question.... It's mind-boggling.

Sounds like you are keeping your standards high, and looking out for future you! Well done - keep it up.

I'm on Bumble and Hinge, and am seeing some of the same people on both! Not much difference in terms of number and quality of matches - didn't get many matches on Hinge for the first few days, perhaps because they limit the number of likes per day - but it's evened up now. I do like the way Hinge shows you everyone who has liked you - it feels like slightly less of a lottery somehow. And it feels like Hinge profiles are a little more detailed .....

I have previously used Tinder, and met my ex on there very quickly (we had a 5 year relationship) so anecdotally I would say it doesn't deserve its rep as a site purely for hook-ups. But who knows, maybe I just got lucky.

I suspect the apps are all much of a muchness, to be honest. I would just pick the one you like the interface of the best. Or perhaps use a couple for variety, if you have time and don't find that too overwhelming.

So, my date with Mr Youthful tomorrow won't be going ahead, as he hasn't messaged at all today. Even if he messages tomorrow, I am not going now. But that's fine - he was a total wild card anyway.

Feeling very positive about Mr Teacher however, who I have a date with on Tuesday. It feels like we have a real connection, and a lot of compatability - I can feel myself opening up a little, letting more of my real personality out in our chat. I even broke my own boundary and switched to WhatsApp with him, which definitely feels like the right move so far.

Just terrified there will be no physical chemistry, as there has been precious little on my last 6 dates!

Sounds promising! I had a very similar thing with my now-bf - in terms of opening up a bit, and allowing it to switch to WhatsApp, which was a huge exception for me (I had to postpone us meeting so it felt right to do so). I do think the physical can be there if the emotional is! Remember it doesn’t have to be instant crazy physical chemistry, if he makes you laugh and smile in a way that makes you feel warm inside, that might be the beginning of something

Oh good luck! Which number date is it with Mr Teacher?

Just catching up, the joys of being in a different time zone!

I definitely unmatch if I haven’t heard from someone after a day or two. It doesn’t take long to send a message, so if they haven’t, I read it as it’s just not a priority for them for whatever reason. I don’t take it personally at all, just unmatch and move on.

On the body shape thing, regardless of what size or shape they are, I just don’t think women can win really.

I am a size 6 (5”2, 48kg). Still in the healthy BMI range but at the slim end of it. Had a comment from a man a few months back that “no one wants to fuck a bag of bones”. When I pulled him up on it he said it was his way of saying I was a good size and didn’t need to lose any weight, and that he’d meant it nicely 🧐😡 Urgh.

In case it's handy.... to try to remove CGPT gender bias you can reverse the roles (on an unsigned in account) and say you are the guy and there is this girl MRS HH and then put everything in the same...

This is funny. The way you 'make a move' and have a FWB is the same as you would with a bf 😂😂😂 At least for me. So even with FWBs I meet for a short date (ie 1hr coffee) I don't drink (usually) or kiss on a first date. EVen if it's a Friends with bens I am looking at the person and want to have a clear head. Second date we can kiss but no more and then if they pass that stage we can move on. That can still look like going to see a play together or a gig, or around a sunday market - any date or activity you like to do (that's the friends bit) - and then the bens. That's how I work it. Like previous poster I can't remember the tag name sorry, but salmon and bubbly in bed, pub and then bed. I am attached and emotionally connected to all my FWBs and I find have a minimum of 2 (no more than 3 cos I don't have the time, but then who does!) stops me from getting overly focused on anyone when it isn't reciprocated. This also didn't stop me from having a boyfriend - we started as friends with bens and I was seeing other people and then he was very into me and we became boyfriend and girlfriend - but he lead on that.

You can also just have a fuck buddy where you can booty call each other - but I don't really do that. I have a kind of fuck buddy but actually if he wants to meet up again he'll be taking me out for dinner first!

How explicit I am is an interesting question and I think it can depend on circumstances. I am very upfront and say I prefer to have a short first date. I was v keen on Mr Portugal and my second date cancelled on Friday night and so actually we had drinks and then went to some free outside music about half an hour away and so I extended the date.

Tonight (Saturday) Mr Cricket confirmed for after Mr Dad. But Mr Dad already new it was gonna be a small window. I said why don't we meet for a coffee at 6.30pm and he said why don't we eat together instead and it can be a quick early meal. And so I was off after 1.5hrs for the second date.

It does take a little rangling but I try to be as honest as possible. So for Mr Cricket tonight I said that I was having dinner with a friend beforehand and so couldn't meet until 8.30pm...

In London I think it's pretty common to have coffee dates quite quickly and easily. But I'm sure if you said I'll be in Chichester (or wherever 😂) on Saturday to meet a friend for luncha and so I could meet you before or after... or i'm going to a gallery and would you like to come, and we could have a coffee after but I prefer to have shorter first dates so It would be quick.

So yes I'm always explicit about the length of the first date, but it can get a bit trickier bookending them. When i say trickier I mean trying to be as honest as possible. With Mr Cricket it was a lovely date and it went on for a few hours but we were close to my train station home and he new I wanted to get home for an early night. So when I leave after 2 hours in his head he's smashed the date (which he actually did)!

But honestly the time that we/I spend prepping and thinking of a date getting 2 for 1 is very much recommended. I have to wash my hair 2 days before hand cos otherwise it's too fluffy, not to mention the outfit, makeup etc And THE TIME!!! Our evenings and spare time is SO precious and so I hate to give it up - I will update on the dates in a separate message in a min. But coffee dates, or dates based around things I want to do already is a way for me to not give one whole evening away to a dead loss. It also means I am way less selective about who I have a coffee with. And I can't recommend this enough - be relaxed about who you match with and go for coffees relatively easily, my best relationships (FWBs and bfs) have been people that I would have never matched with in a million years. Basically cos their profiles represented less than 10% of who they were, I don't know why! Whereas other peoples' profiles represent them very accurately like 80% of them and actually when you meet them it isn't actually good enough.)

Getting to play with his puppy sounds like a euphemism 😂😂😂

Guys planning the date is very important to me. Unless I'm doing something and involving him in it - but I don't think a dog walk counts in the latter category for me. Apparently men planning dates is very important, I could try and find the Instagram where I saw that 😂

I just wanted to say thank you for posting about this exact date, I found it very helpful to see your good behaviour as a model for me!

What a horrendous thing to say - and then claim it was a compliment! 😱 Honestly, you have to wonder what (if anything) is going on in the heads of some of these people.....