Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

Thank you 💖
I felt better after reading your kind replies late last night.
Slept ok in the end although up early
It's unbelievable how scary bad dreams can be and how they can feel so real they give you a physical reaction , heart pounding etc
I’m pleased England won the football

Hi PinkPoet. There’s been a prolonged period of good behaviour, but in reality we are talking about a couple of weeks of it, max. During which you’ve had an injury which sounds like exactly the sort of time he would be good, taking on everything in the role of ‘amazing husband and father’ that he plays. Your brain knows the truth though, and is screaming the things your conscious self isn’t wanting to admit. Deep down you don’t feel safe with him at all. Good luck in your next session.

Thank you. It does feel a bit like that and that makes me sad. He didn’t even do anything this time and I still dream about it

I'm so sorry he sexually assaulted you again.

Gently Poet, you keep saying he didn’t do anything.

But he masturbated behind you while touching your body, while he knew you were in a deep sleep.

He knows you didn’t want him to keep doing that but he’s done it anyway and just thinks you won’t be aware of it.

I’m so sorry he assaulted you again, PinkPoet. I’m not a bit surprised you had a nightmare afterwards, I still occasionally have nightmares many years on from being abused. It’s something for you to process with your therapist this week.

I’m also sorry about your sprained ankle, I know that can be very painful. Hope it gets better quickly. ❤️

i don’t mind the masterbating in bed as such it’s more I think I’m just bracing myself for him to take it further so I guess that’s why I had the nightmare once I’d fallen back asleep and dreamt he’d carried on and been violent etc

I’m also aware I’m a deep sleeper especially when I’ve been taking medication and am dead tired so I’m sort of in and out of sleep when he’s doing this. So it makes me feel quite vulnerable I guess

I’m pretty dependant on him just now as the sprain was quite bad I’m struggling to walk a lot on it which adds to me feeling guilty about not being able to do what I usually do in the house

Poet, this is your brain telling you you are NEVER going to heal while you’re still with this rapist. This will happen over and over until it eventually can’t take anymore.

Unfortunately the nightmare is your body and brain screaming at you that you are not safe around him because he has so many times sexually assaulted and raped you.

I’m afraid that counselling won’t change that - your body has experienced what it has experienced and will respond to being exposed to the threat (your husband) because it’s trying to keep you safe.

He is still not safe, even if he has been kind about your ankle and not raped you for a few weeks.

Did you have a nice and relaxing time at your parents? I bet it was such a relief to sleep peacefully?

Firstly, you are vulnerable because of your injury, you are in pain meds and you are getting some rest. The LAST thing he should have done at this stage is wake you up.
Half time in a football match - why?
Secondly, behaving like this, masturbating, touching your body when you have an injury and your senses are dulled is absolutely disgusting.
It is still assault and your subconscious is warning you.
It is absolutely dire that a man sees his injured wife sleeping and thinks I think I will wake her up to assault her because it’s more acceptable than raping her in her sleep.
He will never, ever change. This will never stop.

I think last night will underline that he gets very turned on when you haven’t consented or thinks you are out cold.i doubt he’s been honest in therapy about what he’s doing.

I just don’t want myself or other posters to get so adamant about this issue that you don’t have anyone to share it with until therapy. I hope you recover soon.

I wonder if the recent horrific news about the man who invited those men to rape his drugged wife has also got into your head a bit? I have to be honest, knowing yours has a thing for raping and assaulting sleeping women, my first thought when you said he'd assaulted you again after a period of not doing it made me think the news had affected him as well, but in a different way 🤢

Given the strong pain meds, can you fully rule out the possibility that the extremely vivid dream wasn’t something that actually happened?

In any case, the facts we know are that despite how ‘good’ he’s been, he’s been unkind enough to disturb your sleep again when you are unwell and medicated, and has used your unconscious and unconsenting body for sexual purposes yet again. This is after absolutely everything that has taken place to this point, the conversations, him starting therapy, everything. In other words, there are no ‘misunderstandings’ to hide behind now.

I know you don’t want to leave, and I’m not telling you to. But do you understand that he will never change, and that you will continue to be assaulted (and on edge anticipating the next assault) for the rest of your life with him? I think if you haven’t at least come to terms with that - that this is the thing you accept as part of staying - then we really will just go round in circles here.

Your boundaries are really squishy. You'd gone to bed to sleep.

It's really not OK or normal behaviour for him to try to wake you up in halftime for a shag and then wank while feeling you up in your sleep or semi-conscious state.

What kind of mind goes and gropes and has a wank beside his convalescing, sleeping wife during 15 mins of half time? The behaviour is grotesque. And what’s more grotesque is that he’s groomed you to think this is normal and acceptable.

@throwawayimplantchat
Yes it was great to visit my parents and sleep there for the night. The kids had fun too!

The disappointing thing is that I have been feeling safe at home until this point, been sleeping better and falling asleep cuddling without the need for anything further. Sometimes we have and it’s been respectful and reciprocal.

however last night I felt vulnerable again, so quickly. All he was doing was ‘groping’ I guess, not really a big deal, but the fact I was sleeping and I knew he wanted to go further and I just felt like he might go ahead and take it. What obviously sparked the nightmare. I was half asleep but I remember just squeezing my eyes shut thinking what’s he going to do how far will he take this.

i also don’t really remember the interaction well which is unsettling. I think i said no I need to sleep and i think he stopped then. I fell back asleep

I’ve read this story
It’s hideous and very concerning and it has been playing on my mind yes

I also worry he sees things like this and thinks well I’m not a bad guy at all, these are bad guys

You, he and I know he's a bad guy, we all know he is a rapist.

No it definitely didn’t happen , when I woke up I realised it had dreamlike feel and wasn’t in my bed in the dream if that makes sense, even if at the time it felt very real and frightening

I understand your last point too. I will think about it. I really thought things were improving . I just didn’t know where else to get support in the middle of the night when I was spiralling that’s why I came back

The masturbation in bed needs to be another hard no for you. He can do it in the spare room or the shower. You don’t feel safe and it’s honestly really icky that he can get turned on with you next to him knocked out on pain meds.

Oh Poet, I honestly think being woken up when in a deep sleep is torture itself. You have young children and need the rest. That alone is enough for me to despise him, the true story is horrific.

This ptsd and trauma can have long lasting issues on your health too, lots of women end up with autoimmune conditions from the stress your subconscious is under.

I was thinking more like it turned him on.

All he was doing was ‘groping’ I guess, not really a big deal,

But it IS a big deal. Groping an unwilling or unconscious or semi-conscious person is not OK. Even if it's your partner. He needs to keep his hands to himself unless invited. Being asleep in bed is not an invitation.

but the fact I was sleeping and I knew he wanted to go further and I just felt like he might go ahead and take it

Which is a very real possibility with this man. You're never going to "get over" this fear as you will always know what he's capable of.

Precisely, @buckchucketshe won’t see these men as bad guys at all. He probably thinks they fucked up by getting caught.

I wish Poet could actually see that his behaviour is hideous towards her too.

Just for avoidance of doubt I’m not criticising you for coming back here, but what has been a sad, somewhat unexpected development for you comes as no surprise to anyone here. Improvement is not possible. I know you don’t like the terminology, but he is abusive, controlling and a rapist. A person can be all of those things and still have some checks to their behaviour I.e. they might dial it back when a balance tips and it’s not like they are doing this to everyone, but they aren’t going to just not be the same person they have always been.

I think this is difficult to confront because once you do it’s harder to justify staying, but if you don’t you are also going to be stuck feeling saddened, confused and spiralling instead of understanding this is his consistent pattern of behaviour.