Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

I can’t say it in as many words as the others eloquently can but this is not sustainable.

What happens when the tough times start to come and you are too tired / upset for sex? Or is he gets really angry or frustrated with something and then if you don’t want sex he just takes it anyway?

One thing that really sticks out from your posts is when he threw and broke Christmas decoration that the kids were squabbling over. It was something so precious to them and then he smashed it. Your kids will remember that for the rest of their lives. It shows he doesn’t think twice about harming any of his loved ones. And you can see this and continue to insist he is a great dad

It often seems the children are disassociated from this magnificent “ love story” and they are not protected from his changeable moods .

Coercive control has been very ably covered above.
This is more general, hope it helps.

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

https://www.thelaurarichards.com/resources/coercivecontrol

Laura Richards has a podcast called Crime Analyst where she analyses different crimes and points out the patterns and coercive control. For example with the very sad Gabi Petito situation.

Coercive control is when someone intentionally tries to control you or make you behave in a certain way by doing or saying things that make you feel afraid, ashamed, anxious, unsure or upset. It is a pattern of behaviour that can involve many different forms of abuse.

Sexual coercive control examples:

• Bullying: Insulting or calling the target names to get sex, such as accusing them of being “uptight,” a “prude,” a “cock-tease” or a bad lover.
• Pressure: Using arguments, nagging, begging, and sheer persistence to push the other person to have sex. The target may give in simply because the abuser does not give up.

• Inducing Helplessness: Helplessness occurs when someone has learned through experience that they are unable to refuse sex, because their partner simply ignores their efforts to say, “no,” or physically overpowers them. Targets who have been made to feel helpless may not overtly object to particular acts on particular days because they have learned that they cannot resist effectively.

• Inducing Hopelessness: Communicating to a target that the effects of refusing to have sex are worse than complying. For instance, an abuser might give his partner the silent treatment, act cold or mean, or mistreat pets / children if the target does not comply sexually .

• Physical Harm/Threats of Physical Force: when physical threats and abuse appear at times other than during the sexual encounter, targets still know they will put themselves at risk if they do not submit to sex.

Do you recognise your relationship dynamic in the last four points in particular? When thinking about this please note that forcing your legs apart and penetrating you with fingers is physical force. So was the rape. Physical force isn’t just punching.

Honestly , yes
in a way I do

I'm sure someone will be along in a minute with a proper definition, but the way I would explain it is that your husband has created an environment for you in your marriage where you are totally controlled but it is not explicit (eg your husband doesn't overtly day "you are not allowed to do X") but the control is exterted by coercive and subtle means (eg you would never dare do X, because of unspoken consequences, whether those are overt or also subtle).

For example -
You don't even feel you can verbally express a perference to stop doing a sexual position with him.
Here, the environment of your marriage means you are afraid of <unspoken consequences> probably him being grumpy, and argument, the way he will make you feel by expressing that preference.
So - you don't speak up, because he has controlled you to the extent that you don't.

Other areas you dare not express yourself freely as an equal partner in your marriage -
Equal access to finances
Going to stay with friends

And your entire mental exertion seems to be managing his moods, ensuring he isn't irritated, smoothing domestic life for him - because if you don't do that, you are afraid of the consequences.
He is exerting control over your entire day in that way. Can you see that?

@PinkPoetAgain1 are you still going to stay with your parents this weekend? I think it would be very beneficial for you and the children to be somewhere different 💐

Yes i am xx

I think it’s real progress that you can see that, and I think it’s worth talking to your therapist about it.

Coercive control is so serious it’s illegal. So is sexual coercion. And as you have acknowledged (which I know was a huge breakthrough for you) he has also raped you as well as sexually assaulting you repeatedly, often in your sleep.

I think it’s worth talking to your therapist about the gulf between your determination to believe things are ‘good’ with your knowledge that you are being coercively controlled as your life revolves around doing what is least likely to make him react badly. The cognitive dissonance of these two, conflicting beliefs is what will lead to you having a breakdown x

OP is desperately trying to persuade us and herself that her marriage is happy and healthy with a couple of areas of concern. Whereas it is very clear to see (even with the good things you have said Poet and despite what your said about apologising for convincing us otherwise, you had tried often to list the ‘good’ things!) that actually your marriage is very concerning with a couple of areas that are happy. Not healthy because none of it is. And happy as long as you fulfil all of his needs and continue to enmesh yourself further and further into him to the point where you’ve lost sight totally of your own desires, your own sexuality and your own sense of self.

Nobody can help you until you want help though OP. And you appear to be in the part of the cycle where you’re convinced we’ve all got the wrong idea and you have an amazing happy family.

I think this and pp explain it well.

The whole dynamic between you shows his control. That you would never dare to talk to him in X way, in fact that you can’t speak to him openly and honestly like you might expect to with your life partner. I’m not sure you realise the conditioned, unconscious effort you put into what you can say and do which is not normal - I don’t have to apply that kind of filter. It’s not because you fear violence necessarily (although you have mentioned picking the right time for some conversations) but in most circumstances you will feel wrong-footed; he will make you feel wrong because he is the arbiter of what is normal and acceptable in a mature adult relationship, as he always has been.

Here’s an example. You feel you can’t tell him you don’t like something because it will be thrown back in your face that you didn’t complain before, and you don’t feel like you would have much come back to that. Firstly, you feel like you can’t tell him something like that without second-guessing yourself. If his response to that would be what you suggested he would say here, you don’t seem to realise that this response means he would be dismissing what you said and justifying himself rather than listening and taking it on board, and that YOU should therefore have a problem with HIS response. Because he would be wrong.

Absolutely this, and what @throwawayimplantchat shared.

Sex is a great example of it.

In a healthy relationship, people can feel comfortable clearly communicating their desires - their likes and dislikes. For instance, Partner A says, "I don't like it when you put your hand around my throat," and Partner B says, "Oh I had no idea. I do enjoy that, but I don't want to do anything you don't like. I'll stop doing it." Maybe if it's really important to B, they might have to talk it over, but ultimately, B doesn't want A to feel bad during sex, so won't do anything that makes A feel uncomfortable.

You're scared to tell your husband things like that. And if you do, he doesn't stop doing them anyway, he just keeps going (maybe after stopping for a day or two). If you were in a healthy relationship, you'd tell him never to touch your throat again, and he'd stop and never do it again, and not punish you with anger for demanding it.

But you're not in a healthy relationship. When you're not having sex with him every single night then he harangues you, assaults you, lies to you about what he's done to you, forcibly holds you down, and enjoys it when you're crying or distressed. He's controlling you, and your sex life, through the use of coercive tactics.

Oh and the idea that you can’t tell your husband that you don’t want him to do a particular sex act just because you’ve ’let’ him (been coerced since your teenage years into doing so…) is so concerning and not normal. Anybody has a right to change their preferences or to rescind consent for anything at any time. This is where the friction between your idea of your marriage as a passionate loved affair and the reality of your relationship as being abusive and controlling meet. Because you know that if you tell him not to come inside you from behind with his hand (gently or otherwise!) on your neck or pressing you down, he will say no. He’ll tell you you love it and he’ll keep doing it. And the consequence for you would be that reality would hit again that actually you don’t have control of your own body and your own sex life. No matter how much you convince yourself otherwise.

Poet, would you consider showing your posts on these threads to your therapist? It might be easier to show than to say.

Yikes. Poet’s latest posts are so disheartening I suppose the ‘high’ part of the cycle was heightened in the sense that she said she felt fantastic and on a high etc, so it makes sense that the denial part is heightened too. It just makes me nervous for when the abuse part comes.

People are getting quite involved with this poster and their story, I would caution caring TOO much as admirable and thoughtful as much of the advice is.

There is a certain push and pull pattern of posting which may be reeling some posters in to closer involvement in very distressing content. It may well be unintentional but also maybe not.

People can only change their own behaviour, not anyone else's.

Interesting, can you elaborate a bit please? Just so I’m understanding correctly what you’re saying.

I have wondered this too, but I figured that regardless, there may always be people lurking and reading in similar situations who might benefit. This is a pertinent reminder though, so thank you.

I am sorry if people think I am not being truthful or whatever is being implied there

it is all the truth, but you are right in the sense that I have gone on long enough and everyone has said what they can . It’s with me now.

thanks everyone , you’ve all been such a big help ❤️

Poet, it does feel a bit like, to try and cope with your situation, you’ve said to yourself “I’ve decided to be ok. I’ve decided that our relationship is a huge romance story and, because I’ve instigated sex recently, I can’t complain when H instigates sex even without consent.”
I do think it’s a coping strategy and I can understand why you’ve done this, but it’s not real, can you see that? Your H doesn’t like sex as much when you’re willing. Next time you don’t want sex and he assaults you, can you maintain this facade that everything is ok?
I’m not criticising you - I do get why you’ve taken this view but I don’t think it’s sustainable long term. Hopefully, you can talk to your therapist about how you feel tomorrow.

I don’t know if we have helped you OP. But I hope that having some views which challenge your own view of your marriage will marinate and may change things for you one day. Especially for your children.

Lovely, I don't think posters think you are 'lying', just that you are being 'selective' in the truth you allow yourself to see.

But you need to understand that the truth is not 'flat', you don't look at it and see the whole thing. The truth is a sphere. You have to turn it round and round to see the whole of it. You're holding that sphere in your hand but you're only allowing yourself to see one side of it.

I’m not a professional, but it doesn’t make sense to me to be honest - I’m sure she’ll be able to help with that better than I could

Therapists do not like to label a person they don’t know. The idea is that the client build their own confidence so they can make their own decisions.
But I think off-the-record you are not going to find any mental health professional who would say that a man who has raped his pregnant wife would not do it again/feel remorse/change for no reason.
Previous posters who have worked with serious sex offenders have recounted that they never change. If you read Lundy Bancroft even men who feel they may like to change, it is often near impossible.
To read a book about a ‘game’ and follow it as a boy in your late teens might have a reason behind it - loneliness, wanting to belong, having no confidence.
But to use it over the age 30 on young vulnerable girls and to keep the principles up would signal to me someone with a personality disorder, of the type which is impossible for even an experienced psychiatrist to deal with.
If someone lacks so much in human feeling, and inflicts such cruelty and damage, they don’t live by the same rules as the rest of us. They can easily harm those they say they love, even their own children, would suggest a damaged person who feeds off that damage. Why change it, if it feeds what they desire?

This was not the first time he raped you. You mentioned anal rape leading to panic attacks early in your relationship