Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

I’m sorry poet, your compromise is more to appease him and prevent any more abuse. Which is why you feel more in control and at peace x

You have one life, and this is it. Your choices (if you stay) seem to be (1) to have repeated crap sex with a bloke so unimaginative that you always end up in a position which you hate, with him being violent and demeaning to you (2) to continue be repeatedly raped and assaulted, as you've endured most days for a decade.

Do you really want this to be your life?

The thing is, BDSM done properly absolutely centres consent. It needs to, and absolutely needs to be with both parties enthusiastic consent.

We toy with a lot of this ourselves, but we know our own and eachothers red lines VERY well. I know he could never cross them and vice versa and so can fully relax because I trust that 100%. The OP can't even risk taking tablets for her migraines

This isn't a relationship with elements of kink in sex though, this is straightforward sexual abuse and rape, and now frantic efforts of appeasement.

But remember, the OP has zero idea what a loving normal relationship looks like. Zero idea of what a happy healthy sex life looks like. She's been manipulated into accepting this from when she was barely more than a child, and has been fed a load of lies.

She's still quite early on in her journey of realising just how many things are wrong with her relationship, and not at the stage yet of realising how much better she would be out of this one.

I think thats quiite an insightful observation.

This. It seems like you've just given up, Poet.

You sound like someone in an abusive cult who has decided if you can just learn to love doing the things required of you, and never anger the cult leader by disobeying, then everything will be 'wonderful'.

You're just doing what he wants; submitting to him.

Sounds a good idea to lay it out for the therapist tomorrow - I want to heal from the first time he raped me specifically while still being in a relationship with him. See what she says.

do you think she will say not possible ?

I don't think she will be as explicit as that, but she may and should ask you why you want that and to think about it carefully. And why you think he will stop.

If (somehow) that rape was a one off, and in the years following he showed zero signs of sexual coercion, manipulation, genuine regret for his actions etc, then it's pretty unlikely you'd be able to heal whilst being with him, but maybe theoretically possible for some people. Though you'd always be on alert at some level because body doesn't forget.

But being able to heal from one specific rape, when he raped you before this, and dozens to hundreds of times since over the course of years, right upto now, denied it, joked about it, and you realistically know he'll continue to do it (like he has hundreds of times before), - how on earth could you even start to heal from that?

You won't know till you ask.

Have you ever talked about your children in therapy? Because I understand the rose tinted glasses, trust me, I understand, but less so when there are children involved.

Maybe
and maybe i will wake up one day and feel differently
love is not straightforward
I feel I have given the impression accidentally that I am abused every other day and never want to be intimate with him or spend time with him and it’s all against my will but that’s just not true
im sorry if I’ve given that impression

I have a good life and I love my family more than anything . All my family

Yes I talk about them a lot
My therapist seems to believe me that they have a great relationship with their dad and he loves them a lot

This isn’t an impression you have given, it is something we have read with our own eyes over your past threads since the start of March. If you had been keeping your diary since then, I think you would be able to see that there are periods where he absolutely was abusing you at best, raping you at worst, at least every other day.

I really do understand this, and deep down I feel it makes sense to me and I agree . on some level I KNOW that if it had been a one off mistake then his behaviour would have been different before and since
I know that because when I read that I started to feel a panic attack brewing

and the feeling of WHY
but I don’t want to open up to that again

and now I feel like I have basically been asking for it and giving him full green lights all the way for the last week so I don’t have a leg to stand on if I was to give him shit for it

I can just see how the conversation would go
‘I don’t like it when you do xyz because it reminds me of …..’
’I didn’t hear you complaining about it last night’

I don’t wish to be unkind, and understand that you have a skewed view of relationships, but honestly, nobody can help you if you don’t help yourself.

All this excusing and twisting yourself into knots to keep him appeased in order not to deal with the real issue is not helping yourself.

You know he is an abusive rapist. Deep down, you know. You are choosing this if you continue to stay.

And that’s why people were advising you not to do this. Same with the drinking. You are not to blame for his behaviour, but you are giving him ammunition to continue.

Can you write it down and send it in a text, whattsapp or email? At least that way it is there as evidence too if you ever go any further with this.

You’ve said before you have messages of him apologising etc.

You need to write - I love our family, I love you, I’m trying to get better but it would help if you didn’t do x,y,z ……

How would he respond? If you’re scared to ask, you already have your answer.

He talks about us like we are a great passionate love story from and that’s why the sex is so intense /passionate and I get taken in by it .

The end of your sentence is the reason for the beginning of it.
It gets what he wants, so why would he do anything different, even if you ask him?

Not sure what he'd say if anyone pointed out that love - even bog-standard, low-passion, respectful love - means caring about your partner and their wants and needs. "I'm too passionate and out of control to bother with that"?

What does "recovery" mean for you? What are you experiencing that you believe is due to that specific incident that you believe you need therapy for?

I don’t think anyone would think he can change after the pregnancy raise because he is continuing to rape and abuse you.
Very, very frequently.
You may be active in terms of having sex right now but he still is in control - he finished his he likes it with you a faceless body with his hand on your neck. He knows he has raped you and while that may not be seen as rape it’s still moving towards violence and has zero intimacy.
A great love story is but a man forcing a woman’s legs apart with his legs and then raping her with his fingers either.
There is no love in that just control and contempt.

Poet I’ve followed your threads silently. What has struck me is how you are putting so much effort and energy into not being assaulted, consciously and subconsciously. All these different responses look like you trying different ways to not be assaulted. You must be exhausted. Ultimately it’s something you can’t control because you can’t control the other person who is doing these things to you. I wonder if this is something you might be able to explore with your therapist, I don’t know if it would be helpful. Wishing you all the best ❤️

No, love is not straightforward, but given what you've said about him, I honestly don't think he loves you. And I don't think you love him in a healthy way either, I think you're trauma bonded.

I think he's a deeply misogynistic much older man steeped in PUA culture, who "swore by" a book called "The Game", which is all about objectifying and abusing women to get them to do whatever you want, who took advantage of a vulnerable teenage girl who was struggling in the aftermath of a violent rape, and groomed her into thinking all sorts of fucked up things are 'normal' in a relationship.

How many times have you thought something was 'normal', and been surprised to find out that literally everyone else is horrified by it? Because he taught you what 'normal' was, and he's an abusive, manipulative rapist.

Right now, you're in a denial part of the cycle (again).

But it wasn't that long ago he was forcibly sexually assaulting you, and sadly I don't think that you having sex with him every day, exactly the way he likes it, constantly trying and failing to stop him from grabbing your throat, and always ending in the same way with him roughly dehumanising you, will stop him from going back to even more unsavoury behaviours eventually.

In regards to a recent comment of yours, I could tell my husband to stop doing something sexually that he's done for years and enjoys, for no reason other than because I've just gone off it. He might ask, "oh no, why, is it something I did?" because he'd feel bad about it, but he would stop doing the thing immediately, and he wouldn't pressure me to do it again. And I wouldn't feel afraid to tell him to stop in the first place.

That's one difference between your relationship and a healthy one - you're afraid of him, and you know you have to 'persuade' him not just tell him, because he won't stop doing something just because you want him to stop. He's blatantly coercively controlling you - and doing so very successfully, unfortunately.

But you wouldn’t be lying would you, because you consistently don’t like some things you just put up with them. Wanting sex isn’t a green light to for sex 24/7 or sex acts that you don’t enjoy.

In a functioning relationship you would be able to say ‘yeah I really felt like sex last week every day and now I don’t’ Or ‘yes I did want sex last night and enjoyed it
overall, I didn’t want to kill the mood in the moment, but no I don’t like the flipping me over to finish that way bit, I never have, and I’m explicitly telling you now’.

I know this has probably already been covered but I’ve forgotten what are the signs of coercive control? Because I struggle to recognise it as that. Apart from money control situation …

it’s not a term I was familiar with before and it’s never crossed my mind before

I wouldn’t say being raped and sexually assaulted by my husband, with no access to financial information, having to tread on eggshells around him, monitoring his behaviour around his own children, not being able to make phone calls or speak to other people until he is out of the house, living in fear that he might have found some threads I made on an online forum, having cold sweats and anxiety attacks about his behaviour, and not being able to talk to him for fear of his reaction is a good life personally.