Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

To be fair, while we may get our ideas about sex from what we see on TV, we’re also told it’s not realistic! Most of us don’t hear violins, it’s not choreographed to always show us at our best, indeed there are awkward moments, funny moments, silly noises and weird faces pulled!

We have done it other ways but he has only ever finished when he’s on top , controlling the pace and controlling the whole thing if I think about it like that. Missionary sometimes but from behind is his preference
are you going to tell me this is something else which is not usual?!

No, not usual at all. Most men prefer a bit of variety and to be frank, they get turned on by seeing their partner's face/body. From everything you have posted about him he sounds like a really bad shag, sorry.

Regarding the hand on your neck. Can you not just say, 'Don't put your hand on my neck during sex, I don't like it.' This is such a normal thing to say to a partner, I wonder why you don't say it to him. Just like asking him not to tickle you. Why can't you just say that? Is it that you are scared he will do it anyway?

Regarding the drinking, I just wanted to remind you of your earlier post:

PinkPoetAgaiin · 22/04/2026 11:58
When I was assaulted the first time at 18 I got in a terrible habit of buying a bottle of wine at lunchtime and drinking it alone, every day. For months
Today I am not working and alone with my thoughts. I have this overwhelming urge to do the same. I wont - because I’ve got to be a mum.
But wow it’s so tempting

You used the wine then to mask the pain and it seems like you are doing the same now.

Regarding the hand on your neck. Can you not just say, 'Don't put your hand on my neck during sex, I don't like it.' This is such a normal thing to say to a partner, I wonder why you don't say it to him. Just like asking him not to tickle you. Why can't you just say that? Is it that you are scared he will do it anyway?

my fear is that knowing she doesnt like it, and has asked for some kind of say over how things happen, he will either do it more, or harder, or something worse, because he really seems to only get off on pushing her boundaries and reasserting that HE is the one who says what and how it happens. Like Poets observation that he doesnt actually appear to like it when she IS keen and up for it....

I hope that when you are at your parents you are able to say something, and be able to stay there longer. The feeling of peace and genuine protection could be extremely healing for you.

Hope you’re having a nice time with your parents Poet. How have you found it being able to physically relax and sleep overnight without fear of assault? It must have been really good and such a relief for your nervous system x

I think Poet going at the weekend to her parents. I hope you’re ok, have you thought about what you want to talk about during therapy on Friday?

Oh my bad sorry Poet. I’m so pleased you’re going to be able to go and get some proper rest for a night or two x

Just saying hi Pink. Hope you have some peace x

How are you @PinkPoetAgain1? I hope you're doing okay. I think of you daily 💐

This is to say I’m thinking of you, Poet, hope you’re doing ok. ❤️

Just checking in to say I’m ok . Thanks for all the messages. Things are good and no escalation at the moment :)

Glad you are ok Poet, what are your thoughts for therapy tomorrow, I’ve never done any form of therapy (probably should!) do you go in with things you want to talk about or does she ask questions?

She usually asks me how the week/weekend has been and I talk about things that have happened , or haven’t.

I am getting a bit fed up of this though. It just feels like I’m listing things I’m not happy with about him and I’m boring myself. And I feel like I sound a bit pathetic.

I will probably tell her about how I’m feeling , if anything, more sexually attracted to him and am instigating more and more. How I now find it sexy to decide for myself when and how we will do it. And how it always ends with him trying to and usually succeeding in regaining the control and the power. And it’s a bit of a ‘power struggle’ . It’s like having makeup sex every other night. But I do feel more connected to him. And he’s completely laid off me during the night /morning now.

I do understand it probably seems horrible to others in the context of what he’s done, but if that’s what he likes then that’s what he likes? That’s kind of how I feel now. And I feel like if our sex life is active then maybe we can save things. He’s MUCH happier and less grumpy.
I’ve started standing up for myself a bit more too. I don’t let things go so much now.

I think i will discuss this with her and see what her words of wisdom are! she’ll probably think what the hell have I taken on here !!

I guess this is like my pre therapy therapy !

I suppose she might be curious about what this bit means:

“But I do feel more connected to him”

It seems to me like nothing has changed in your relationship, as in he hasn’t changed, it is more like you have decided to adopt a positive-thinking approach and have taken control by yes initiating sex but also by deciding that if you want what he wants then there can’t be any problems. A bit similar to that whole ‘romanticise your life’ thing that some influencers promote, although that’s usually about finding enjoyment in what might otherwise feel mundane and tedious.

The thing is, how sustainable is your method? It sounds like frantically treading water in some ways. If you come down with a huge migraine this week, or a painful UTI, or anything like that are you going to have to still enthusiastically embrace sex you won’t want to have to keep up the momentum here?

“If that’s what he likes that what he likes”

But YOU don’t like rough sex with a hand being repeatedly put on your throat even after you remove it multiple times.

YOU don’t like being pushed face down in the position he raped you in.

And HE doesn’t like watching you enjoy sex as an enthusiastic, willing participant. That’s why even when you instigate, it ends with him treating you roughly and physically turning you over so he doesn’t see your face.

I think this it’s worth exploring with your therapist why you see that dynamic as progress rather than a continuation of his sexual abuse.

Agree with the above. Also this part stuck out -

I am getting a bit fed up of this though. It just feels like I’m listing things I’m not happy with about him and I’m boring myself. And I feel like I sound a bit pathetic.

Why are you going to therapy? What is the outcome you really want from your sessions with her? It sounds like that is probably worth honestly exploring.

Is there a part of you that is looking for validation in the approach you have described above?

I want to have therapy to ‘recover’ from the trauma . And I know people will say the trauma is still happening but the main thing I struggle with is the incident from when I was pregnant . I feel like if that hadn’t happened I would be ok

He talks about us like we are a great passionate love story from and that’s why the sex is so intense /passionate and I get taken in by it . Because on some level I feel the same I guess? It’s very juvenile I know I’ll get slated.

Don’t worry if not Poet, but do you have any thoughts on this?

You’re focused on his likes but I wonder if you’ve thought of it this way?

What has he actively done, in real terms (not words) to help you with your journey since you have told him how traumatised you were by him raping you?

While things are going his way (you instigating sex but him still finishing roughly, with you facing away from him, putting his hands on your throat and moving them back after you’re removed them etc) you say ‘things are good’ but they’re not really good if he’s still doing all that despite your trauma, are they?

I think it would be useful to think about that and maybe discuss it in therapy xx

Yes I do focus on his likes more , I do recognise that. However , it’s not like he’s doing these things to me every other night while I cry or disassociate. I think if I could ‘heal’ from the trauma of the SA then I could probably compromise on certain things in the bedroom.

I will talk to my therapist about this as I’m aware it probably sounds mad considering everything I’ve said

but I’m just being honest as many people have said to be honest
my emotions are like a rollercoaster! But this is a feeling I prefer . A feeling of more in control and not being such a doormat

I think the pre therapy therapy is useful as it makes better use of your time there.

Why should his likes supersede yours. It’s very unhealthy, and what about if you are ill, tired are you just going to do it anyway?

You have trauma over that incident, if he cared he wouldn’t do it in the same position in the same rough way, There are a couple of positions I don’t find comfortable and my husband doesn’t mind, he’s just happy for us both to be enjoying it. I think that’s what my issue with the constant from behind stuff is, if he wanted to help you, it would be much more loving in his approach.

Can you imagine the life you’d have with your children, friends and family without him, without walking on eggshells and trying to second guess his moves and be one step ahead with the constant initiation?

I hope you are going to your parents as planned.

I think you know that the minute you say no to sex he will be back coercing and forcing you.

It's not compromising giving in to abuse by convincing yourself that you like it, Poet.

He may want to live in 50 shades of grey but I'm not convinced you do.

This is total pop psychology but it feels like you are going through the stages of grief. You had denial, then sadness. Now you seem to be in a bargaining phase. If you give him everything he wants, maybe he will stop the abuse...