Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

Hi Poet, so glad you have started a new thread 🙂

It's not surprising that you are "all over the place mentally" - you are dealing with acknowledging abusive events over a number of years, and the emotions that is evoking.

Plus thoughts of how you are going to deal with the abuse going forward.
Stay and confront?
Leave?
Stay and put up with it?
None of them are easy, but you will make the right decision in time, for you and your children.

We are all here supporting you 💐 as you work through everything.

Thank you, Poet ❤

It's understandable that you're all over the place mentally. You're under so much stress just trying to cope with the abusive behaviour, and then on top of that, also balance two dissonant views. Your trauma bond makes you feel like you can't do without this man, so you're trying to re-frame everything positively...but at the same time, you know that he enjoys controlling and harming you, sexually and otherwise.

Those two views can't be reconciled, and until you can break away from the trauma bond, you'll keep feeling this very intense push and pull, I think.

Poet, you absolutely deserve and are worthy of help. It's only the lies of your abuser that have made you think you're not.

Of course you still love him - you can't just turn off your feelings like that, but it doesn't mean that either you or your children are safe.

If my husband ever put a hand to my neck, I would 100% leave and call the police. I have a teenager who can be violent during autistic meltdowns. On one (only one) occasion he moved as if to put hands on my neck (has never actually done so) and the police wanted to arrest him for that.

Since 2021, strangulation (defined as the application of force or pressure to the neck) is specifically outlawed in the UK, even if it results in no discernible injuries. Your consent makes no difference - it is still a crime. You feeling under threat of him doing it would be taken very seriously by police. Him putting hands to your neck is very, very, very worrying.

feeling push and pull for sure.
The bond ‘trauma’ or otherwise feels very intense still . as much as it ever was to be honest

I do find it comforting that there are ‘names’ for the emotions I’m experiencing like trauma bond, hyper sexuality etc etc because it makes me feel less alone as other people have struggled with it too

Absolutely. Sadly it's a very common thing to experience - which I know doesn't make it easier for you to work through, but as you say, it's a reminder that your feelings are normal and valid, and something that countless other women have struggled with.

The trauma bond is likely a big part of why so many women go back to their abuser, I imagine. And ironically, the more stressed and trapped your body feels, the more likely you are to cling to him for some sense of comfort...but as he's not providing real comfort, it will only heighten your stress more in the long-run.

Perhaps a wiser pp than I might be able to point you toward some resources to help you better understand and wrestle with that bond.

”I don’t feel like the glass of wine is a problem yet but I do think about it all afternoon”

then it’s a problem OP. Fact. Is it. I’m a therapist and work closely with to drug and alcohol services. You need to stop the drink. He can easily use this against you in the further and say you were drinking daily (thinking about the kids/splitting) and also easily gaslight you at this stage. Memory impairment is too easy for him to go to.

re him being unable to finish unless he turns you over and puts his hand on your neck.

firstly the risk, could easily seriously injure you.
the position he raped you in when you were crying and heavily pregnant squashing you. This is the position that gets him off? Can you see that? A woman being in control doesn’t get him off or even turn him on. He likes seeing you take control because it’s easy for him to then convince himself that you’re enjoying sex. He likes it when you enjoy yourself so he can trick himself into thinking he isn’t doing anything wrong.
but he needs to submit and dominate you to orgasm.
he is sick and mimicking rape. And then actually raping you at times. He has denied this to your face when you were awake and he didn’t realise. He has also told you you liked it.
poet he is so so dangerous and so incredibly sick in the head. He is NO different from a sick rapist who corners women in alleyways.

Thank you for your supportive message, I’m sorry that’s happened to you ❤️

I want to be clear he’s never put any pressure on my neck or hurt me like that. But I do realise it is probably a control/dominance thing

Poet has he always wanted to finish with you face down from behind, or is this a recent development?

It is absolutely a dominance and control thing, yes.

Especially as when you move his hand away from your neck, he moves it back.

He could seriously have caused your baby harm when he raped you heavily pregnant Poet.

He swore and was angry when they cried as newborns. He expected you to settle them quickly and come back so he could complete sex, not lovingly comfort them for as long as they needed.

From the very start he has been a danger to your children’s wellbeing in so many ways x

Yes sort of . I don’t recall him ever doing it without him being the dominant one on top
in some way.

The alarming thing poet is it only takes a second to apply lethal pressure and in the moment he could maybe not even mean it but do it if he felt he wasnt exerting enough control. You only have to look at the amount of men that have got away with murder with the excuse of sex gone wrong. Just having this happen once with zero pressure is too much and too dangerous.

This man has continually escalated and you may get no warning of the next escalation. You may not feel it but WA and everyone here can see it and its a real risk, I really hope you seek help and advice before he decides to escalate things where it cannot be undone. If not for you, think of what would happen to your children if the worse happened. This is dangerous and serious and I hope you get the right help and support.

As in, in over a decade, you've only ever had sex where he's ended up on top of you somehow? 😬

Ps, it's babyboomtastic, but I created a throwaway username for something, didn't use it and forgot to change back, so I'm stuck with it for this thread now!

I'm interpreting the hand on the neck thing as him saying 'this is what I COULD do if I wanted to', I don't know whether the posters who are more knowledgeable than I am when it comes to dv would also think this. I do think that any sustained touching of the neck needs to be taken very seriously though as it could move from a light touch to you being unconscious and then dead within seconds.

Absolutely, it's him saying 'look at what I could do' - it's dominance and a threat rolled up into one.

Poet has also mentioned him resting all his weight on her back/back of her neck while she's face-down during sex, which I think is concerning too. I have to think that would make it difficult to breathe if he's an average height/weight male, and suffocation or injury could occur relatively easily.

The reason hands round the neck even without strangulation is an issue is it’s about telling you he COULD strangle you. It’s showing who has the power and control. When DV services ask about it, it’s based on the fact that the person chose to put their hands around someone’s neck at all. That’s why professionals take it so seriously.

While Poet has said the hand on the neck is not a pain thing it always reminds me of Trudi Burgess and it frightens me.
The DH here is nearer to Truro’s abuser than he is to a loving partner.
I hope Poet can stay at her parents but has said in the past he doesn’t like her being away.
https://www.channel4.com/news/exclusive-woman-paralysed-by-violent-ex-urges-more-awareness-of-coercive-control

*Poet’s abuser

I’m sorry poet but his finishing from behind and holding your neck is an escalation.

and if I’m right in saying, him finishing from behind while on you happened for the first time when you were pregnant?

this means that this occasion turned him on that much he has wanted to recreate it.

it’s absolutely sick.

you are being so very naive if you don’t think this would escalate even more.

men like him will need even more and more deviancy to get off.

it’s like serial killers or someone with an addiction - the first time is the best time. They want to recreate it and keep trying to chase it. It’s why finishing from behind you with his hand on your neck has now become a pattern.

im sorry open if this comparison is a bit brutal and uncomfortable. But it is there nonetheless.

Do not take this as me saying he has addiction he can’t help. NOT TRUE.
This man knows exactly what he is doing and he enjoys it. He does not want to stop.

sick fuck.

Poet, what I’m feeling a little confused about is how easy it seems to have been for you to say you want a break and you’re taking the kids to your mums for weekend? When it’s been suggested numerous times over and over and you’ve said you couldn’t do that for one reason or another (you didn’t want to alarm her/you couldn’t take the kids as he would get suspicious/etc etc) but now it’s so easily done?

@PinkPoetAgain1

I think the 'why' of your 'wanting sex with him all the time' is extremely complicated and the only way to truly know the truth of it is to examine it in depth with your therapist. We can give you our opinions, but we cannot give you your truth. Only you, with your therapist's help, can do that.

As far as his behaviour (hand on neck, having to be 'dominant' to finish) yes, I think it's all wrapped up in his need for control. Control isn't always 'out in the open', sometimes it's extremely subtle to the point of only really being seen by the abuser. At those times it's to reassure the abuser, not to show domination to the victim. The victim may just have a feeling of 'something's not right here' but be not be able to put their finger on it.

If you want my guess, I think possibly subconsciously your 'desire' is based on 'if I do it with him he won't do it to me'. With maybe a smidge of "If I want sex with him that means what he does to me isn't that bad. Otherwise I couldn't bear for him to touch me". But IANAT so I could be (and probably am) all kinds of wrong and my guess is worth less than the paper it might be printed on.

Keep your therapy appointment. I cannot stress how important that is.

And yes, go to your mum's. And do consider telling her more than just 'we need time apart'. You don't have to describe what he does to you in gritty detail. I'd think it would be enough to say "Mum, he sexually abuses me. Please don't ask me to go into detail it's too painful to discuss". Honestly, if you were my daughter, I think that would be all I'd need or really want to know. And even if I wanted to know more, I would respect your boundary.

Poet, you say you want to make it clear that he has never put pressure on your neck before. Of course he hasn’t….yet. He hasn’t escalated to that yet. The same way as a few weeks ago you said he has never physically assaulted you and now he seems to have poked you and tickled you when you didn’t like it which are both assaults as well as poking you in the side of your head. That is his physical Abuse escalating.

His sexual abuse will also escalate to putting pressure on your neck. He has already started putting his hand around your neck and then putting it back there when you’ve moved it away to assert his dominance. The next step is pressure and if he touches a certain point you could die.

It takes 11 lbs of pressure (about the amount needed to turn a door handle or give a firm handshake) on the carotid arteries for about 10 - 15 seconds to pass out. It takes only 5 lbs of pressure (about the amount exerted by holding a mug of tea) on the jugular for 10 - 15 seconds to cause unconsciousness.

I have experienced this myself more than once before, and it is frightening and bizarre how quickly you pass out. Once you're unconscious you can't advocate for yourself at all, to try to prevent injury or save your own life - whether the harm caused is accidental or purposeful.

On average it takes 4 minutes of sustained pressure to begin to cause potentially irreversible brain damage, with severe brain damage and death following swiftly thereafter.

Your husband has definitely been escalating over the past months, Poet, and at some point I would bet if the cycle isn't broken, he will escalate to exerting pressure.

I've just come across these threads and have read all of them with increasing horror. I totally understand trauma bonds and fear and worry but really? He has ground you into such a small space that you simply can't imagine a life without this constant abuse and whatever you say about 'oh, he really can be nice...' I mean, crumbs from the masters table doesn't even begin it. I've been with my H for almost 30 years and he told me when we met he had a very high sex drive. Fine. Doesn't mean I'm going to just do it all the time and when you feel like it! Not once has he coerced, touched, prodded or poked me, in any way at all, nor would he, as he has respect for me and my feelings. I am due to have serious surgery in a couple of weeks and am extremely anxious about it - so worried that se is the last thing on my mind, and we've not done it for easily over six weeks. Has he pushed or hassled or sulked? Of course not. I've been the one feeling a bit worried in case he goes off me (!) - but he would never ever put my pain and worry and feelings above a sex drive or the need to powerfully humiliate me, that's not a man, it really isn't. People have asked how you'd feel if this was your daughter confiding in you and you've quite rightly said you'd be appalled. Why aren't you appalled at him and your passivity with not wanting to report him or get away? I'm just so sad for you. Awful