Upset by partner's lack of effort for my 40th birthday

[FckThisShit]

It was my 40th birthday yesterday. I woke up with the baby, took her downstairs (school day for eldest) and DP had put up a banner that said happy birthday and some balloons, he bought me a box of chocolates that he usually buys me (£12) and handed me two cards, all good so far. Then he declared that he didn't do the babies card (14 months) so he got her to scribble in the card in front of me, again that's fine, I get it. Then he said he hasn't got me anything else because he didn't know what to get. Nothing from the kids, no cake (no suprise but again mentioned that he forgot) nothing.

It's upset me because I always put in so much effort into his gifts, I've kitted him out with art supplies, camera equipment, motorbike gear, random days during the year I'll get him something special, I get him thoughtful gifts from the children etc etc.

I didn't say anything at that point, just said thanks for the chocolates and kept a smile on but the longer the day went on the worse it got. I ended up taking myself out to a shopping centre and buying myself some flowers and a vase just so I had something. I sound really grabby but I'm really not, I never spend money on myself, I rarely complain about anything much and I certainly don't demand presents.

But this year I've had a tough time of it, I've done every single night with the baby on my own, most of the days too. You can probably tell where this is going. The admin, the kids, shopping, planning, driving etc etc. he goes to work and he works hard but then he comes home wrecked from his job and then goes out with the camera for hours. I barely see him and he's spent hours and hours looking at new camera lens', bought himself one and some other bits that probably cost upwards of £300 (not expensive for camera gear but we're also penny pinching atm) and he couldn't even be bothered to even try to get me something special?

It could have been a picture of the kids on a keyring or something. But nothing?

It came to a head last night, he kept asking me what was wrong so I told him, I told him I felt unseen, I was upset, that I just wanted to feel appreciated and loved for just one day, he got defensive, seemed to think that the banner was the effort required and bought up a gift he bought me 11 years ago as proof that he does make an effort?

This morning I've gone downstairs and he's taken the banner down and will barely acknowledge me other than to say how tired he is (he sleeps downstairs as the babies room is being renovated, he's dragged this out for over a year) so I've gone back to bed and left the baby with him for a while.

I don't even know why I've posted this. I know a lot of you think it's fine to not bother with birthdays but not even a token of affection on my 40th, is that really okay?

Sorry it's long, thank you if you read it.

@AmberTigerEyes

It was my 40th birthday. He has had alarms set on his phone for a month and kept mentioning my birthday to me, asking if I'm excited and looking forward to it. He spent over £300 on himself 2 days before my birthday when I'm struggling to afford a basic food shop of pasta and jacket potatoes. I do everything on my own, everything you can possibly think of when it comes to running a house and children including a baby, I do. I don't even complain about it. I can't remember the last time I bought anything for myself. I just wanted something meaningful for my 40th birthday. Something from my kids, something that said I'm thought about, a handmade card even. That's all.

But I get it. I shouldn't have ever dared to think that after 15 years he might think about me over himself and his own wants. A banner and chocolates should have been enough even when he declared that he didn't know what to get me so he didn't bother, even when he's spent hours and days and weeks window shopping for things he wants I should have been happy with a banner and chocolates. I have also found out that my 11 year old asked to buy me something and he said she could then left it so late that she didn't have time to even try.

You'll be happy to know that I apologised for making him feel bad about his effort on my birthday and I'm toeing the line to make him happy again.

You can leave me alone now.

@FckThisShit oh thats one of the most spirit crushing updates I've read.
You don't need to appease his behaviour but I do know that's easier said than done.i saw it in my mum keeping the peace and putting up with all sorts.💐

And now he’s educating your 11 year old daughter to know the place of women in the pecking order.

This is grim reading.

@AmberTigerEyeshave you read all the updates from OP? It’s the only reason I can think as to why you’d be focusing on the lack of gifts etc. The problem js FAR from that and she’s stuck in a pretty horrific and abusive relationship.

Op I hope you don’t actually think what you’ve written in your last update is what you should do. You know now you’re in an abusive relationship and I really hope you find your way out of it. You sound like a great mum and very capable, frankly it sounds like you’d do a far better job on your own and cut this dead weight of a man loose. The grass is greener on the other side of these horrible relationships, he’s an absolute piece of shit and you will thrive without him. Don’t waste your one precious life being trodden on by a nasty, selfish cretin. Pay no heed to posters here who minimise his abuse, they’re very lucky to not understand, but you need to keep strong because you’re the one living it. Get out asap OP, you’ll be ok. Good luck.

@FckThisShit i am really sorry for all the posters blaming you for being disappointed at your husbands shit effort, How awful he is asking if you were excited when he did nothing but spend on himself while you struggled to buy food for your family.
Your last post had crushed me, please don’t be disheartened. Stay strong like your other post where you would be finding a good job ect. Some posters are so foolish focusing on the present aspect and what they would do, they are not in your shoes, I know it’s different in an abusive relationship, I don’t understand why people have been so unkind when you’ve laid your soul bare. Don’t be put off or driven away, there are posters here who do understand and care about your wellbeing, sending you a massive handhold x

That’s rubbish
I would send him a list of presents you want (upgrades of clothing and make up and Botox or massage or hair vouchers ) .

im very concerned about ‘I don’t have any friends’ why is that? You 100% need friends to get through life perhaps try to make some or get therapy to work out root of this issue, I made friends on maternity leave now is a good time!

Have you not read any of the op”s updates? Please do instead of making her feel worse!

My ex took himself to bed and through tears told me he couldn’t fake making an effort anymore and he was sorry. We were already on the verge of divorce but that cemented it for me. Fuck this man off and fall in love with yourself first.

Thank you for your kindness x

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat - does defensiveness mean someone feels guilty ?
OP, I spent 20 years married to someone who put ALL his energy telling me why it was 'not his fault'. Sometimes it was but he couldn't admit it therefore he couldn't ever improve.

It can do, of course. Some people who know they are in the wrong will go over the top to defend their decision or actions because they are half-trying to defend it to themselves as well as the other person.

OP, I've just read your updates (sorry, should have read before I posted). You are AMAZING - Applying for jobs, keeping healthy, looking after your toddler so well, looking after your 'tweenager'. Keeping house, doing it ALL. Your partner sounds draining, his family sound awful frankly. This is about so much more than a birthday present- it's about any care for you as a person at all & a big birthday would have been a nice time to be shown that. Instead you got rhe opposite. Keep doing what you are doing (job application etc). Things WILL get better. You are a strong & brave woman & I salute you x

Thank you, it means a lot to me x

Yesterday I mentioned the job I applied for, he was nice about it but is trying to make the hours an issue already. I said to him that he can't make this hard for me, he usually gets home at random hours like 12 / 1 / 2 etc so if me getting this job means that he has to be in by 4 so I can go to work then he has to be back. He was a bit taken back by it I guess and didn't argue just made a joke about it.

He always phrases it as he's worried as the baby won't settle etc but it doesn't matter what hours they are it's always a problem, 5-9am because she might wake up and want feeding (breastfed), over nights because of the same reason, evenings because he can't do bedtime. I'm looking forward to April where I can have DD in nursery and I can go to work and tell him to pick her up as he can walk there. I don't plan on giving him a choice about it.

I've made him do bedtime the last 2 nights and it's been hard for him but it's also been fine so it's given me the confidence to plough on getting a career and doing something for myself. I'm going to the gym later over bedtime, I haven't been in ages because I haven't had any opportunity to with the childcare and dinners, bedtime etc etc.

He just grinds me down so much, I don't even watch what I want on TV or speak to him about anything that matters to me even he says I can, for years now. He belittles anything i care about but it's always a 'joke' so then he has a go because I just need a sense of humour. I told DD I'm getting my hair cut into a pixie when I reach my weight goal, only another 8lbs to go. She'll spur me on to do it now (I phrased it as it's a present to myself as she knows I cut my hair myself usually) and I'll face the consequences and refuse to be upset about it.

I don't do much for myself at all. He made me last job unbearable with a man I worked with, I had to talk to him for my job but it was so bad at home because of it, the arguments and accusations. Colleague was friends with my friend too so that made it even worse. I gave him a lift home once with another female colleague, we were never alone and it was horrendous weather but he still brings it up like we had seedy sex in the car on the way.

I've changed my phone password today, in the past he's read every single message between me and my work friends. My relationship with them both has fizzled and it's just one of those things, we're at different places in life etc. I'm seeing another ex colleague tomorrow for a coffee on her lunch break. It won't ever be a regular thing but I love this woman, she's great, so it'll be a nice hour for me. I haven't mentioned it to him.

Please contact Women's aid.

You are a victim of coercive control and financial abuse.

He is committing a crime.
Please reach out for help.

He is absolute scum.

Tell this woman the truth of what is going on.

Walk into any police station and ask for the domestic abuse officer, and ask for advice.

This is all good, @FckThisShit. If I were you I would try to share some of the difficulties of this relationship with a few other people. Just enough for them to begin to understand. You’ll be surprised how supportive one or two might be. (Maybe not everyone.) And that will strengthen you.

Everything you relate about your partner makes him worse. It’s no wonder you haven’t been able to maintain friendships.

If he's checking your home you might want to use private browsing for this thread and Mumsnet.

He is controlling and abusive. He gives you the silent treatment when you don't behave how he wants you to, he's slowly isolated you, his refusing to learn to drive is a form of control, he accuses you of being inappropriate at work so you won't get close to anyone at work, he is using you to support his life but giving nothing in return.

Good for getting a job, don't let him coerce you into quitting.

About his family coming to you saying they were afraid he was suicidal, if they try that again you answer them if they think that they need to call the police. If he's suicidal, they will take him where he will be evaluated and get the help he needs.

He's an abusive wanker!!

you sound so strong. Keep going with rebuilding the life you want for you and your kids. Make your 40th birthday present yourself, a whole new you to shed him.

And for those concentrating on the present aspect. So what! You're allowed to want gifts and appreciation shown.

Really willing you on. You sound like a strong and capable woman. Maybe the friend you are meeting for lunch can be confidante to your plans?

I am so happy to hear your last update @FckThisShit . I love all
of the action, it’s going to empower you.
Like most abusive pricks, he was really isolated you but I’m so glad you are seeing a friend. You are clearly intelligent and very competent.
Can I give you one piece of unsolicited advice? Please please make sure your contraception is water bloody tight. Be on something you control like the pill or coil. He will get scared and a way to keep you “ controlled “ will sadly be to make you pregnant like most abusers.

You are on the right track and I’m so glad you didn’t get put off by a few unsupportive and ignorant posters. As a pp said, give yourself the best 40th present every and get rid of this pos husband and his awful family!

She knows what he's like, as do his sister's, brother and even his dad. My mum knew and it was bad back then. When he left that night, he left because he knew he fucked up and there was no getting around it. I told his sister he had gone and why as I thought we were close enough then, I have never felt further from family to them then I did that night and once he came back I didn't hear anything from any of them again. The worse it gets the more people disappear from my life.

It's not as bad as it sounds all of the time. He has plus points and it's not a circle of hell that I live in. I'm just well trained to be more than last and fully accepted that no one actually gives that much of a shit about me in general. I'm the only person that can do anything to change my happiness. I just have to be smart and bide my time.

Ok so when I knew I was checking out of my marriage.

I focused on us paying down credit cards and any debt. Avoiding taking anything on that would tie me to him longer (eg new mortgage for x years or new lines of credit).

Like you say, bide your time and make a plan. The only thing I'll caution on, is once I'd decided that, the next argument I had with my ExH was my last. It was like I'd switched off and was waiting for a better time and it made me see how much I disliked my life. So next time he threatened us splitting up I just actually agreed with him and started the ball rolling!

My 60th birthday was during covid, my Dh did absolutely nothing, no balloons, no banners , not even a special card. Dd didn't get up.until about midday, so I sat in the garden with a glass of prosecco and opened my cards by myself. I told him how mad I was and he said 'well how was I supposed to know what to do' ? It's on my list of things I'll never forgive him for. Yadnbu, happy birthday

Bless your heart😍keep looking for those rainbows in your clouds op. Look what you have survived so far, you are tough so keep chipping away at your goals. Good luck.

He sounds utterly selfish and like he really takes you for granted. Well done for speaking up though. But I wonder if the general dynamic between the two of you is quite one-sided - it certainly seems that way?

Don't get him anything for his birthday. I know you'll probably feel a bit guilty or petty, but men as selfish as your partner need a bit of a shock to the system sometimes, in order to fully understand how horrible their behaviour is.

Can you go away for a couple of days? A few days apart might do you some good.