Upset by partner's lack of effort for my 40th birthday

[FckThisShit]

It was my 40th birthday yesterday. I woke up with the baby, took her downstairs (school day for eldest) and DP had put up a banner that said happy birthday and some balloons, he bought me a box of chocolates that he usually buys me (£12) and handed me two cards, all good so far. Then he declared that he didn't do the babies card (14 months) so he got her to scribble in the card in front of me, again that's fine, I get it. Then he said he hasn't got me anything else because he didn't know what to get. Nothing from the kids, no cake (no suprise but again mentioned that he forgot) nothing.

It's upset me because I always put in so much effort into his gifts, I've kitted him out with art supplies, camera equipment, motorbike gear, random days during the year I'll get him something special, I get him thoughtful gifts from the children etc etc.

I didn't say anything at that point, just said thanks for the chocolates and kept a smile on but the longer the day went on the worse it got. I ended up taking myself out to a shopping centre and buying myself some flowers and a vase just so I had something. I sound really grabby but I'm really not, I never spend money on myself, I rarely complain about anything much and I certainly don't demand presents.

But this year I've had a tough time of it, I've done every single night with the baby on my own, most of the days too. You can probably tell where this is going. The admin, the kids, shopping, planning, driving etc etc. he goes to work and he works hard but then he comes home wrecked from his job and then goes out with the camera for hours. I barely see him and he's spent hours and hours looking at new camera lens', bought himself one and some other bits that probably cost upwards of £300 (not expensive for camera gear but we're also penny pinching atm) and he couldn't even be bothered to even try to get me something special?

It could have been a picture of the kids on a keyring or something. But nothing?

It came to a head last night, he kept asking me what was wrong so I told him, I told him I felt unseen, I was upset, that I just wanted to feel appreciated and loved for just one day, he got defensive, seemed to think that the banner was the effort required and bought up a gift he bought me 11 years ago as proof that he does make an effort?

This morning I've gone downstairs and he's taken the banner down and will barely acknowledge me other than to say how tired he is (he sleeps downstairs as the babies room is being renovated, he's dragged this out for over a year) so I've gone back to bed and left the baby with him for a while.

I don't even know why I've posted this. I know a lot of you think it's fine to not bother with birthdays but not even a token of affection on my 40th, is that really okay?

Sorry it's long, thank you if you read it.

Sorry to hear this OP. The same happened to me on my 40th with my now ex so I booked me and DS a last minute week in Lanzarote without DP and flew out the next day. To be honest it was the beginning of the end for us as I checked out of our relationship after that. He’d shown me that he didn’t care about my feelings enough to make any kind of an effort and I deserved better. So do you OP 💐

I remember this exact feeling, it was also my 40th birthday.
Reading your post took me back nearly 13 years. The sadness I felt at the time returned instantly.

I really feel for you.

My exdp did similar, removed the one banner he put up and put the supermarket flowers in the bin.

Made out I was being OTT.

It was the beginning of the end.

I made a resolution from then on, to organise my own birthdays regardless of my relationship status.

Sending belated birthday wishes.
💐

so many things in that sad story that aren’t ok.

the birthday, the reaction to your entirely appropriate response and the general sense that he isn’t taking care of you in any way or sharing life. He sounds selfish and thoughtless but also uncaring. Not a great combo in a partner.

I know the correct advice would be to talk calmly and let it go but I couldn’t do that. I’d have to spell out how much I was hurting and how hard life was feeling. If he listens and provides some empathy and an apology you are upset then all good. If he turns it into an opportunity to moan about his own misery I think I’d be seriously considering calling time.

life is really so very short OP and we get one stab at it. You can do it without him even if some bits will be hard, you do most of it anyway it sounds like. He isn’t your child he’s your partner and should be sharing life with you not adding to your burden. Life should have joy.

happy bday from me. You are amazing- strong and capable and bringing up children and working and you deserve to be happy. Go make it so.

Happy birthday OP. That is really crap of him, I'm sorry. I hope you won't make a big effort on any of his birthdays ever again.

I've learnt that in order to have the birthday you want, you have to tell people exactly what you are expecting. Say what present you want, tell him to book a restaurant/day out, ask him to get a cake. Be really specific.

Absolutely pathetic. Whats wrong with all these men?!

Oh, gosh … You have so much to contend with right now, @FckThisShit.

The fact that your partner doesn’t drive or offer any alternative mode of transporting himself or your children is frankly shit.

And lack of childcare preventing you from working is awful.

It’s too late now, but you really needed to be with someone who would make your life easier, not harder …

Do you know what you want to train in?

If not, find a bit of time when you can to browse the Mature Study and Retraining board - it was set up exactly for you:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/mature_students

(Don’t worry about the thin threads at the top. Keep scrolling across many pages - lots are long and full of helpful advice and experience.

My ex-husband was the exact same, it really is an indication of what they really think of you.
Well it was my case, he wanted to show me that I meant absolutely nothing to him so that's exactly how he behaved.

If you think carefully, does it spill over into other areas of your life? The total couldn't give a shit attitude?

If you’re stuck with him and can’t realistically leave for quite a while then start focusing more on yourself and building your life up outside of the relationship.

From now on, no gifts for him, just a crappy box of chocolates like he gets you. Your money is for you only. He can buy most of the stuff for the kids. Start saving in your own account each month and anything spare, treat yourself. Join a sociable group where you can start to make acquaintances who may become friends. Don’t ask him to look after the kids, expect him to! You need to prioritise yourself and having fun. Go to new places, try new things, learn more about yourself.

READ THE OP’s POST AT 9.51 BEFORE COMMENTING!

Still pondering what he is taking pictures at night of

Badgers

Thank you for this. I was headed towards accountancy but the course I was going to do has been cancelled this year and instead there is a year long, full time course which I can't do right now. Instead I'm trying to land a job at the local hospital because they have an onsite nursery, I also would like to work there because the NHS is a good stable employer with progression opportunities. Ideally a lab assistant role would suit but again, the one I applied for was revoked as the person who's job it was didn't leave in the end. Anyway, I'm open minded, I just want a career, I want to stand on my own financially and be able to afford my house and bills on my own. It's not a large house, 170k but we're on a sky high interest rate atm which was supposed to drop in time for remortgaging which hasn't happened now thanks to trump...

Apologies for the tangent.

I agree on a 40th he should have done more but also think we all expect a lot (people on mn talk about dinners/ holidays and large parties but you have young dc and money issues so not sure) and disagree that a banner and balloons is any form of a ‘he did nothing for my birthday’ thing.

Speaking as someone who absolutely loves gifting my loved ones. Not fussed about getting presents myself. I always know months in advance who's getting what for birthdays, christmas, etc. I have to know in advance, too, because it usually involves some level of bespoke design (by me, not paying someone to do it), something personal... This is especially focussed on my wife, I love surprising her, the kids are still young enough to just really want a specific toy (but I hand-make their advent calendars with fun stuff, etc).

So, I do not struggle with gifting, I love putting the effort and thought into it. However, I do not expect the same in return. I do not give memorable or unique presents so later I can compare them to what I am getting when it's my turn. I don't care how much things cost in comparison, I do not care if my loved ones didn't know months in advance, or if they didn't put in the time to make it unique or bespoke, like I did. When I give something, it is about me wanting them to feel loved and smile, and it ends there. It's not to make myself feel this or that way, certainly not becoming a reference point for my own satisfaction of gifts I would be getting at one point.

I see this approach when it comes to gift giving and receiving - £ signs all over it, - well, I bought him this for £££ but he only spent £ on my gift. And while the imbalance is legitimate, it is just such a lame way to look at gifts. I get it, you spent more. And? Were you forced to? Would he throw a tantrum like a spoilt brat if you didn't? (If the answer is yes, well, abandon ship ASAP). If someone is not happy with how things are in terms of gifts, do communicate, and talk about your feelings, but consider this: you are expecting something to be a certain way that does not come naturally from the other person. So, what's the point? I sure as hell don't want anything I "forced".

(For the record, I also think feeling like you are owed more for specific numbers on your birthday cake is just sad.)

You've had one of those moments that every divorcee on MN will recognise. Where you realise how your husband sees you, and you don't like it.

Don't let anyone - on this thread or in real life - minimise this moment. You are being taken for granted by a partner who has established what he can get away with in terms of physical presence in the family, appropriating financial resources for his hobby, and effort required to keep The Wife happy. Except he lowered the bar even more in this last respect.

I Love the list @SeditiousPam … it’s almost like a mumsnet starsign

pearls, wetsuit, apple trees, Kitchenaid, Selfridges voucher

(I’m wetsuit, but on the cusp of apple trees)

OP, I agree with @Rhaidimiddim it isn’t about Stuff. Or Birthdays. It’s about him. And how he sees you. And it isn’t great. You have right to be upset. Find your anger.

It sounds like you've been doing the heavy lifting this entire relationship. Your partner really isn't one. He's not part of your team. Now you see this isn't going to change.

Match his energy. Stop gifting him extravagances. What you need from him is what he's not going to give you, putting energy and care into your family and home. He's off doing his thing because you're there doing all of it. You're thinking about the future and that's good. Could you possibly do something like a phlebotomy or nursing assistant course then work at the hospital? Do they do tuition reimbursement so you could move up the job and wage ladder?

If there are no medical issues preventing him, he needs to learn to drive.

It's not about the money or the amount of gifts. He could have bought me a £3 keyring from the kids and I'd have been happy. It's that he doesn't give enough of a shit to spend some time thinking about what I'd like instead of spending hours looking at camera lenses and motorbikes and saying " I didn't know what to get you so I didn't bother" . I work my arse off for this family, he has everything he wants, all the time in the world to do what he wants, he even checks out of parenting 95% of the time. I just wanted some recognition of how he feels about me. A meaningful card even.

If there are problems in the relationship that needs fixing, yes, do not focus on the gifts.. If that is truly the case, you are the only one to know this, OP.

Phlebotomy is something I'm looking into actually. I'm not sure how I can go about it before April when DD is in nursery but I am looking at all options.

He won't drive. He's a self employed tradesman and works with his dad. I won't go into it all but he won't learn how to drive, even the van when his dad is struggling to drive them now due to health issues.

Yeah, that is way beyond gifts... I wish you all the strength to make this situation better for yourselves, OP. Whatever the solution is, it's clear that you can't keep going on like this. Sorry for the difficult situation...

I just wanted some recognition of how he feels about me

You already know how he feels about you - his actions have shown you.
He likes all the things you do for him, all the services you provide, but he doesn't actually care about you at all.
He is selfish to the core - as evidenced by the way he treats his dad over the driving.

He has never really grown up. He works with his dad, and you are now his 'mum'; you exist to drive him around, take care of him, and do nice things for him.

You will never get what you are looking for from this man.

I understand that you don't want to leave the area due to schooling, but it there no way you can leave him, and stay in the area?

He probably thinks the children are the best present you could wish for

I think any adult with kids with a car and not been able to drive is selfish. How can you ride a motorbike and not consider driving a car? Tells me all I need to know

@FckThisShit

oh OP 😢 why don’t you have any friends?