Upset by partner's lack of effort for my 40th birthday

[FckThisShit]

It was my 40th birthday yesterday. I woke up with the baby, took her downstairs (school day for eldest) and DP had put up a banner that said happy birthday and some balloons, he bought me a box of chocolates that he usually buys me (£12) and handed me two cards, all good so far. Then he declared that he didn't do the babies card (14 months) so he got her to scribble in the card in front of me, again that's fine, I get it. Then he said he hasn't got me anything else because he didn't know what to get. Nothing from the kids, no cake (no suprise but again mentioned that he forgot) nothing.

It's upset me because I always put in so much effort into his gifts, I've kitted him out with art supplies, camera equipment, motorbike gear, random days during the year I'll get him something special, I get him thoughtful gifts from the children etc etc.

I didn't say anything at that point, just said thanks for the chocolates and kept a smile on but the longer the day went on the worse it got. I ended up taking myself out to a shopping centre and buying myself some flowers and a vase just so I had something. I sound really grabby but I'm really not, I never spend money on myself, I rarely complain about anything much and I certainly don't demand presents.

But this year I've had a tough time of it, I've done every single night with the baby on my own, most of the days too. You can probably tell where this is going. The admin, the kids, shopping, planning, driving etc etc. he goes to work and he works hard but then he comes home wrecked from his job and then goes out with the camera for hours. I barely see him and he's spent hours and hours looking at new camera lens', bought himself one and some other bits that probably cost upwards of £300 (not expensive for camera gear but we're also penny pinching atm) and he couldn't even be bothered to even try to get me something special?

It could have been a picture of the kids on a keyring or something. But nothing?

It came to a head last night, he kept asking me what was wrong so I told him, I told him I felt unseen, I was upset, that I just wanted to feel appreciated and loved for just one day, he got defensive, seemed to think that the banner was the effort required and bought up a gift he bought me 11 years ago as proof that he does make an effort?

This morning I've gone downstairs and he's taken the banner down and will barely acknowledge me other than to say how tired he is (he sleeps downstairs as the babies room is being renovated, he's dragged this out for over a year) so I've gone back to bed and left the baby with him for a while.

I don't even know why I've posted this. I know a lot of you think it's fine to not bother with birthdays but not even a token of affection on my 40th, is that really okay?

Sorry it's long, thank you if you read it.

All abuse is dangerous.

Just fuck him off, Op. you deserve better

@FckThisShit

He is abusive OP. He's actually draining your life rather than adding to it. But you already know that. If the person you share your life, children and bed with after years of marriage can't buy you something nice of their own volition, then what's the bloody point. You shouldn't have to draw a diagram for them unless they have learning disabilities. But this is classic Mumsnet. Apparently men must be "guided" and it's your own fault if you get treated like shit on your birthday. Anyway, make your plans to separate. Your DH will be unemployed due to lack of driving once his dad retires, on top of everything else.

I've been in a highly physical abusive relationship. I almost died. DP has issues but he doesn't hurt me like that.

OP, you're minimising. You know that, deep down.

You need to get out of this relationship. Not all abuse is physical.

Why did you make such an effort to 'keep a smile' on in the morning - that's why he makes shit all effort because you let him get away with it!!! Id have been furious and said i assume you are joking where is my gift?! And if he said he didn't have one id have informed him he best get straight to the shops and with a decent budget given the shitshow so far.

You'll find some very good advice/information on the FB group 'bridging the gap'.

Oh Op, if I knew you I’d give you a hug. I really hope you can find a good therapist to guide you. You deserve to be safe in all ways. The bar doesn’t have to be ‘he hasn’t tried to kill me.’

Sorry, I'm just struggling with this. I thought things were better. It sounds stupid but I chatgpt his behaviour and mine and it's highlighted the emotional abuse and coertion among other things. I know it's ai but I don't have any one else. My mum was emotionally abusive and from 11 onwards quite absent, I picked up the slack for my brother's, I sacrificed schooling to look after them and they haven't spoken to me in 7 years because she's convinced them that I'm a horrendous person. I was gang raped at 12, raped again at 17. I was then in a physically abusive relationship.. a really bad one. I had a string of unhealthy relationships and behaviours. Then dp I know has issues but we've worked through them and things are better but I'm also very good at navigating the difficulties I guess so it's less evident. I don't have anyone in my life other than him and my kids.

I've applied for a good solid job today. I've also lost 3.5 stone as of this morning and my toddler has said mumma for the first time. Trying to cling to the good things.

Dear @FckThisShit I know it sounds a bit shocking what we are saying and hard to come to terms with. I’m so sorry but it looks you you’ve been in 2 abusive relationships. I hope you can come back if you can. We are not piling it on but concerned for you. I was in an abusive relationship and it was mostly emotional. However all those years of it have affected my health in my 40’s when I finally got away. Feel free to dm me if you’d like any support or to ask any questions xxx

You would be foolish to be in this situation ever again. Remind him constantly about your birthday, mother's day then no reason for him to forget. Or just book/order/sort child care and do whatever you fancy for your birthday. Obviously, give him same energy back, card and breakfast for him on his birthday/father's day nothing else. If you feel that's unfair on him, you need to look at how you perceive yourself. I think we have all been you at some point, it how you deal with it now your pissed off. When I realised my birthday was always a non event I pointed it out, said how it made me feel and I wanted same energy everyone else got. And I do now

I think it’s moved on from the birthday present. You can’t be this in your face with an abusive partner.

I read your last update @FckThisShit . I’m so sorry you’ve been through such a relentless traumatic time,
However, I think you are being brave and positive as you are trying to get yourself into a better position. Hopefully with the intention one day you can leave.
Most importantly, happy belated 40th birthday and I hope the year ahead is a good one for you x

You’re missing my point, not everyone likes cake and that is why it is best to ask for what you want and not assume your partner is going to know. Generally, adults do not appreciate being bought something they don’t like and don’t want.

You and OP have assumed everyone is just like you and also likes cake so are thinking where the fuck is the birthday cake. Whereas, if my husband bought me a cake I would be like what the fuck did you buy that for?

I didn't ask for a cake nor was I expecting one. He said he forgot to get me one. He's never got me a cake before as I usually make them so I don't know why he even bought it up other than to make me feel even worse that that was even on his radar to do for me but he forgot that too.

@AmberTigerEyes

Blokes are rubbish, my other half similar so I now just tell him what I want and send him the link, however prior to him I had boyfriends who cheated on me, were in debt or just crazy so when I think of those guys I’m like… least he ain’t that bad
however … I have stopped putting effort in, I won’t go out of my way to think and plan things for him. And buy stuff for yourself instead. Yes it’s shit, but I can’t name one of my friends with this amazing gift buying/ celebrating husband… the ones I can think of either have cheated or I think actually might be gay! Who knows!

Sorry your birthday was rubbish. Hope you are OK. Regarding no friends are you able to find local baby/toddler groups. Usually meeting in community centers once a week. You will meet other mums. Look on Facebook groups of mums organise walks with or without kids in the evening. You will feel so much better if you can get out. Book clubs meet evenings in pubs sometimes. All the best ❤️

That's a rum deal for sure.sorry you had such a poor response from your husband
Op shouldn't need to spell out what she wants for a birthday.Hes got eyes and ears so should have a handle on what she likes and interests her
And being a man isn't an excuse I'm one and haven't failed in gift giving for my wife.
Happy birthday op💐

In the context of everything going on, I personally see him trying. You came down in the morning to a room decorated with balloons and a banner with two cards and a box of chocolates. For you, organised by him. That isn’t zero effort. It wasn’t the level you wanted, but then you didn’t say what you wanted.

You have now said you never get cake and didn’t expect cake, so why did you complain about no cake in your OP like it was something you usually get but was forgotten? 16 years of no cake, and this is the year you suddenly wanted cake? As for why he brought he up, didn’t he bring it up as an apology? Your OP says as much so why are you thinking he did the decorations, cards and gift and then say sorry there’s no cake but I can get one if you want one all to make you feel bad?

His mum and sister do sound emotionally abusive, that calling you up and saying he has gone off to 🫠 himself when he was just getting some space was batshit and cruel of them. I would be blocking those two right away. How dare they do that. It makes me wonder what they say to him. It’s like they are trying to submarine the two of you.

@Mamabear8864
I can’t name one of my friends with this amazing gift buying/ celebrating husband

Me too. I am sure someone will be along to say our bar for men is at the bottom of a coal pit. However, I feel that great gift giving and celebrating isn’t nearly as important as not cheating, being a good dad, 50/50 on the housework, calm & gentle, will drop everything to help me when I need it. If all I have to do is send him a few links or update a wish list or say I want to go on a trip to this place, it’s a no brainer.

It’s got nothing to do with sex. It is simply fact that not everyone is this great gift selecting magician. Just because you say you are, it doesn’t follow that everyone else (man or woman) is or can be. I know loads of people ( men and women) that are rubbish at gifts and they are usually the ones who put the most effort into it because they start stressing well in advance, they second guess themselves, they ask my opinion and talk themselves into and then out of multiple different ideas, they agonise and frankly I get fed up listening and then when the big day comes they’ve left it too late, they panic and then it all goes to shit. But for someone like you where it comes easy who has never been friends with or parent of or parter to someone who really struggles the judgements never stop.

Thank you for your insight.

I never said I was a gift giving magician!!

Sending you love and strength.
Happy birthday to you.
Let this be a new start for you.
Realising what a selfish loser you are with.
He is an abusive arsehole.
Please reach out for help and support.

Stop doing anything for this waster.
Stop making his life easier.
Never do another thing for him.

Keep planning your escape.
He doesn't deserve you.
He really doesn't.

This next decade is going to be better.
Never risk another pregnancy with this loser.

You be kind to yourself and don't bother asking him for anything.
Save your energy for yourself.

Call the police if this abusive piece of shit threatens self harm again.
Loser.