Upset by partner's lack of effort for my 40th birthday

[FckThisShit]

It was my 40th birthday yesterday. I woke up with the baby, took her downstairs (school day for eldest) and DP had put up a banner that said happy birthday and some balloons, he bought me a box of chocolates that he usually buys me (£12) and handed me two cards, all good so far. Then he declared that he didn't do the babies card (14 months) so he got her to scribble in the card in front of me, again that's fine, I get it. Then he said he hasn't got me anything else because he didn't know what to get. Nothing from the kids, no cake (no suprise but again mentioned that he forgot) nothing.

It's upset me because I always put in so much effort into his gifts, I've kitted him out with art supplies, camera equipment, motorbike gear, random days during the year I'll get him something special, I get him thoughtful gifts from the children etc etc.

I didn't say anything at that point, just said thanks for the chocolates and kept a smile on but the longer the day went on the worse it got. I ended up taking myself out to a shopping centre and buying myself some flowers and a vase just so I had something. I sound really grabby but I'm really not, I never spend money on myself, I rarely complain about anything much and I certainly don't demand presents.

But this year I've had a tough time of it, I've done every single night with the baby on my own, most of the days too. You can probably tell where this is going. The admin, the kids, shopping, planning, driving etc etc. he goes to work and he works hard but then he comes home wrecked from his job and then goes out with the camera for hours. I barely see him and he's spent hours and hours looking at new camera lens', bought himself one and some other bits that probably cost upwards of £300 (not expensive for camera gear but we're also penny pinching atm) and he couldn't even be bothered to even try to get me something special?

It could have been a picture of the kids on a keyring or something. But nothing?

It came to a head last night, he kept asking me what was wrong so I told him, I told him I felt unseen, I was upset, that I just wanted to feel appreciated and loved for just one day, he got defensive, seemed to think that the banner was the effort required and bought up a gift he bought me 11 years ago as proof that he does make an effort?

This morning I've gone downstairs and he's taken the banner down and will barely acknowledge me other than to say how tired he is (he sleeps downstairs as the babies room is being renovated, he's dragged this out for over a year) so I've gone back to bed and left the baby with him for a while.

I don't even know why I've posted this. I know a lot of you think it's fine to not bother with birthdays but not even a token of affection on my 40th, is that really okay?

Sorry it's long, thank you if you read it.

He has a motorbike, I thought if I encouraged him to do the bike test etc then he'd go for a car licence, I even said this to him. I was wrong.

I’ve never hurt of a tradesman who doesn’t drive - what’s he going to do when his dad retires?

Im glad to hear you are future planning for you and your kids - as I think you will get the ick soon - if you haven’t already

I can't afford to live by myself right now. UC wouldn't even begin to cover it. I don't live in an affluent area but rents are around the £900 mark for a 2 bed terrace and that's with crime on the doorstep. Anyway, I have a plan I just have to bide my time and do it. If I can afford the mortgage and bills by myself it opens a world of opportunities for me. It's not even a lot really, £2.5k take home pay a month.

No idea, he's been stressed about his dad retiring for years. I've been kind, I've been gentle with the approach, I've been angry, I've been blunt. "Learn to drive and take over the business" is the end game but nothing changes. It's not even entirely his fault, his mum and dad fucked him up and gave him no options from childhood. He hates his job but can't do anything else but he earns enough and he's bloody good at it..I just wish he'd grow up and take some responsibility.

It's a long story, gradual isolation through years of random shit. Now I'm on my own.

OK, then you need to carry on with your plan: bide your time with the marriage, and get yourself earning and saving as much as possible.
As well as focussing on your main career goals, can you look for evening work or weekend work? Or something you can do from home?
Do you have your own current bank account and savings account?

Meanwhile, as others have said, match his energy. Do no more for him than he does for you.

I'm looking at all avenues. All hours, future and now, everything. Cleaning, shop work, admin, training etc etc.
I have my own bank account but no income. My savings have gone.

So, you are starting from zero and it will be a long haul.
But at least you know where you stand now, and are heading in the right direction.

Look, people are not all equally able to be good gift buyers. You have a knack for it so it’s easy for you. He made efforts, he gave you tokens of affection. Banner, balloons, cards. He then apologised and said he didn’t know what to get you as a present which is a big flashing neon sign that you are being silly by not demanding presents. You need to tell him in advance what you want as a present. I would never in a million years have thought a tacky key chain with the kids pictures on it would be a good 40th birthday present that showed effort or affection and yet you have said it would have for you. You can’t expect him to guess at what you want, throw the man a wish list and if you want cake let him know that too most 40yr old women I know, including my 40yr old self would not want a calorific fat bomb of a cake on their birthday and view cakes as for children.

When you start earning real money, it is likely that he will be earning next to nothing, because his dad will have retired by then so his cosy family-work set up will have collapsed.
Beware.
Don't get dragged into supporting him. Make your escape before that happens, or if you can't get out in time, make sure you spend the absolute minimum on supporting him - no holidays for him, no days out, no fancy food, etc.
Save your money instead.

OP said he was forced by his parents into his current job and that he hates it. Why not ask OP to consider getting back to work herself and then supporting her husband out of the dead end trap his parents coerced him into? Refusing to drive is probably his escape plan for when his dad dies so he doesn’t have to continue the family business.

Besides OP said they are penny pinching, do you think they can afford the cost of driving lessons and a second car?

He wants out and by annoying you he is hoping you will instigate it so he doesn’t come off as the bad one. Wake up smell the coffee and get rid.

Why are you with him other than he brings in a wage? Is that why you stay? You don't need his wage. My husband has read this with me and called him a cocklodger and is also asking why you are still with him. You do everything on your own already.. get rid of this dead weight, raise your standards, love yourself, show him the door. Easier said than done, but it -can- be done.

Why pretend to be happy, you should have made your upset at his lack of effort known. It was your 40th ffs. Its not about money, its about effort in making it a special day for you.

The defensiveness when you raised it and him now being off with you, is nearly as bad as the total lack of effort on your birthday. This is appalling in my eyes, your 40th ffs, my ex did more than this for mine!! I know it’s not about comparison, but this is bare minimum behavior from him, and he is sulking as you’ve dared to question him on it. I’m angry on your behalf. And he’s coming home from work “tired” yet has the energy to go out with his camera?? Eh?? He has a young family and your children have an amazing mummy who is by the sounds of it, doing everything! The least he could’ve done was show you some appreciation on your birthday of all days. Did he do anything for Mother’s Day?

I've been out of work for 3 months. I've supported him for 15 years. We have little money because he fritters it on his hobbies.

This is exactly it. Some people are getting hung up on the gifts. It's not about gifts, I just wanted something that showed appreciation or love. Anything. It could have been a home made card, a keyring, a photo, anything. But yes he put up a banner that he has never done before so apologies for not bowing down to the effort he put into it. He said he planned on giving me money so I can buy myself something now. First of all, I hate shopping and buying myself anything, it's a real thing that I just struggle to do, if he thought about it for 5 seconds he should have known that. Secondly, why not say that instead of that he didn't get me anything? Why leave it for 24 hours first? The stupid thing is, if I wrote down here everything that he has done, everything he has put me through, everything I've done for him and sacrificed for him I'd be called a mug and people would be shouting at me for not leaving years ago.

I sat on the sofa next to him for 2 hours and he said nothing to me at all. I've just gone out now, on the way out he had a go saying about how he said sorry on a text. Maybe I just want him to say something to me in person and make an actual effort when he's upset me instead of sitting there like I'm going to ground him like his mother or something. I'm sick of it all.

That. Is. Shit. If he couldn’t think what to get you, he could ask your DD. Or ask you. Or at least book for you all to go out for a belated birthday brunch/lunch today. He didn’t forget, as he sorted cards and chocolate, he just couldn’t be arsed to do anything more. Which is worse than forgetting.

Yes, and he had alarms on his phone as well. He has been mentioning my birthday for a month.

Im 100% with you and this is shit, id be beyond upset, i would down tools stop doing anything for him dont do his washing, no special food for his dinner, dont buy him any treats and on his birthday id buy him the same, hes not going to listen to words clearly as hes sulking , its not your job to tell people how to respect you, he knows he doesnt need to bother as you are there....he knows hes messed up but he doesnt care

"I just wanted some recognition of how he feels about me. A meaningful card!" Hes shown you how he feels, he ignored your birthday, hes out in the evening photographing badgers!! He doesnt drive, makes zero effort, he sulks and you are his carer when hes depressed, but you are just as bad because you wont leave as the mortgage is too high, why do you want to live a life of unhappiness?? He sounds horrible, a horrible little man who doesnt drive and sculks around at night filming badgers, i mean seriously!

You're right, I am just as bad. Truth is I ended it 2.5 years ago and he actually left, which is something I've battled with in the past. Then his family started, his dad first, came round shouting the odds, telling me how he's going to kill himself and it's my fault, my DD could hear but he kept going and going until I threw him out. Then his sister's started. I got bullied into taking him back and then I got pregnant. He promised me it'd get better and I knew it wouldn't but I wanted to believe him. So here we are.

This is quite upsetting to read op, he’s a useless piece of shite isn’t he? I know it’s hard but you should really look into getting away from him and his awful family, it’s like a slow death being stuck with someone like him, all the joy from life goes.
happy birthday, maybe the next one will be much better 💐

Accept that you are stuck with him for the moment, but in a house sharing arrangement.
Reset your brain and make it a fair deal. Work out the finances. Use the time to Work yourself into a stronger position. Then go.

He can't read your mind. He thought he had made an effort. You didn't and went into a sulk. He's obviously not able to guess what you want so didn't spend a lot. I dont think birthdays are that important so you need to decide if the relationship and your life are generally not very satisfactory. Be clear what you want.