Clare's Law disclosure has left me shaken about a new relationship

[Croissantsocks]

Name changed for obvious reasons but I’ve been around for a long while.

I suppose I’m just looking for an anonymous handhold/solidarity as no one in real life I can talk to.
After a couple years of not dating at all and just having a great little life with my dd I met someone nice at a work conference, lives close to me. Handsome, funny, patient etc.
Huge tummy flips when I see him, great chemistry etc.
Anyway, he said something in conversation about an ex partner that kind of pricked up my ears, so I did a Clare’s Law request. Police called me within 24 hours and did the disclosure the next day (today).
It was so so upsetting, the poor woman all this stuff happened to. And there are incidents reported over 2/3 years so not something isolated (not that it would make it better).
He has no convictions because charges were dropped before it went to court on every occasion.

I had an abusive relationship years ago, and have rebuilt my life and confidence. I didn’t even want a serious partner, and never want to marry or for anyone to meet my dd (he hasn’t thank god)

I feel so dizzy and sick, and sad and disgusted at myself that these men are attracted to me, and me to them.

He has been perfection over the past few months, a perfect gent, kind and funny etc etc so I really would have had no idea if my spider senses didn’t start tingling a few days ago.

He’s working away today thankfully so I have space to process without texting or calls from him. I just feel frightened and confused.

sorry for the ramble

Oh OP, Bloody well done.

There's not a single thing to be ashamed of in what you have described here, you've done everything exactly right and should be immensely proud.

I'm sorry it's so disappointing to find out he was rotten in the middle when the outside seems so good, but future you will be so, so grateful that you have her much deeper heartache and pain.

You have demonstrated exactly what we should all do when we get that sting of 'somethings not right'.

https://clares-law.com/why-is-it-called-clares-law/

Clares law is so amazing. It really does work. It must have saved countless women. I hope her dad who campaigned for it knows how much good came out of their tragedy

Well done for following up on your concerns, despite his perfect behaviour towards you (so far). I'm so sorry it wasn't good news, but thank goodness we have this option available now so we can be as well informed as possible. Wish you all the best ❤

DO NOT DO THIS

If at ANY time you feel you want more information on someone you are (or likely to be) intimate with, regardless of a month, two months or more then do what you need to. Don’t wait till it’s a few years down the line and your are considering a family. Don’t put yourself at risk for any longer than is necessary.

If the system gets a backlog, they request a backfill to keep the turnaround running within statutory guidelines. Don’t fear causing a backlog because “Someone on MN told me I should wait a few years”

Huge well done OP.
I’d be shaken too initially but wow, you did all the right things and thank goodness you did.
Can I recommend a brief change of scene/new hobbies/anything different just to help the brain move on? X

Brava, OP. And brava to the ex, who perhaps hoped that one day her police report would help another woman and will never know that actually it did.

That can be the case, but getting tummy flips is also perfectly normal when first meeting someone if there's chemistry, early on in a relationship when there's a lot of nervous anticipation, or when sexually aroused. So OP shouldn't blame herself for not noticing that possible warning sign, or assume that it always is a warning sign.

Wouldn’t it be nice if after every request the ex got a message saying well done you just saved someone through being brave and reporting

All of this. You have no reason to feel anything but good about how you handled this.

I am so so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. You write of shame - the shame is NOT yours. I think you're amazing.

And what an amazing legacy for Clare Wood. It is so heartening to read something that shows how vital Clare's Law is - obviously not heartening for you or his ex, but for all of us out here, seeing that you were taken seriously and you are being supported, and that the Law is WORKING to protect women from home. What a legacy for her and her family.

Sending you all the love in the world.

exactly

sorry
just going through a rough time

I need some time alone

breezy
friendly

say as little as you can

so sorry OP

how AWFUL

Well, I've learned two things from this thread, that you can ask for a CL request even for a first date, and that things that haven't got as far as conviction will also come up. A really worthwhile thread as well as I hope being helpful for the OP!

Is that true?

oyoi p should be proud of yourself.

you trusted your gut.
you acted on it.
now you're doing what is necessary to keep yourself and DD safe.

that's the best any of us can hope for

Well not being a prurient poster I don't need to know what the police showed her.

op has made it clear there was repeated violence over several years that could have killed her, what do you think his side was that would make it ok?

You don't understand domestic abuse or Clare's Law.

Don’t feel stupid. Feel proud of yourself. The training you did has worked. And Clare’s Law has worked as intended. That puts you in a really strong position. Your story is hugely reassuring.

Given the number of women who are harmed by a partner/ex-partner, this sounds like terrible advice. Looking stuff up isn't what takes long in these days of internet access, so if a simple search really clogs the system up to that then the procedure just needs to be simplified.

It's also not meant to work as a "short term" protection from, say, meeting up with a psychopath - it's about longer term relationships, so by definition it's generally only going to be requested by women as the relationship is getting serious. Or else the red flags are REALLY massive, in which case it definitely would be advisable to find out about him!

IMO it makes sense to err on the side of caution, and it's reckless to tell women to put it off because the relationship hasn't been going long enough. How long is "long enough"? Who can tell?

@Croissantsocks I wondered about the charges being dropped too, as I thought (not that I am an expert) that it would be up to the police whether or not to press charges, not the victim? So the police told you the reports which were made but they decided they would not be able to take the man to court based on that evidence?

I am sorry about your experiences, and well done and best wishes for the future.

Police never decide to press charges for sexual offences, it’s the CPS. Police are impartial investigators, they gather the evidence and present it to CPS, Crown Prosecution Service.
Many people immediately blame the police (not suggesting you specifically) for not prosecuting but it’s out their hands. There’s threshold tests to meet before they are even allowed to approach CPS, then they have to present enough evidence to get a charge cleared by them. The standard is really high by law and having a victim who retracts their complaint means it’s pretty much impossible

This

Victim can drop the charges. I did twice. Both times police insisted I proceed with the charges but I just couldn’t mentally as I was terrified and also knew that there will be consequences & escalation from him

I’d see this a good thing. You’ve grown and have learnt from past mistakes. It means you have seen something, and the patterns.
Id be proud of myself.