Clare's Law disclosure has left me shaken about a new relationship

[Croissantsocks]

Name changed for obvious reasons but I’ve been around for a long while.

I suppose I’m just looking for an anonymous handhold/solidarity as no one in real life I can talk to.
After a couple years of not dating at all and just having a great little life with my dd I met someone nice at a work conference, lives close to me. Handsome, funny, patient etc.
Huge tummy flips when I see him, great chemistry etc.
Anyway, he said something in conversation about an ex partner that kind of pricked up my ears, so I did a Clare’s Law request. Police called me within 24 hours and did the disclosure the next day (today).
It was so so upsetting, the poor woman all this stuff happened to. And there are incidents reported over 2/3 years so not something isolated (not that it would make it better).
He has no convictions because charges were dropped before it went to court on every occasion.

I had an abusive relationship years ago, and have rebuilt my life and confidence. I didn’t even want a serious partner, and never want to marry or for anyone to meet my dd (he hasn’t thank god)

I feel so dizzy and sick, and sad and disgusted at myself that these men are attracted to me, and me to them.

He has been perfection over the past few months, a perfect gent, kind and funny etc etc so I really would have had no idea if my spider senses didn’t start tingling a few days ago.

He’s working away today thankfully so I have space to process without texting or calls from him. I just feel frightened and confused.

sorry for the ramble

I've already written lots of kind and helpful long replies to the OP, so I don't care what you think. Feeling warm and toasty from the little virtue-signal, though?

Doesn't make you right.

Agree with much of this. Such men do have large egos and believe you will be vulnerable or a ‘soft touch’ and they can persuade. It’s important to have full proof, bullet proof “reasons” and be absolutely adamant. Put it in writing also. Ask the police or women’s aid if there is anything else they would suggest. If he is a “narcissist”, which is quite likely, they can “turn up” years later even, sniffing around for some attention 🤮 . If he doesn’t take “no” an answer consider police involvement; this may work also as he will probably not want to be on their radar again.

We’re not all English.

We’re not all in England.

But you know what? On a post where the words being used include ‘Clare’s Law’, ‘police’, ‘violence’, ‘Women’s Aid’, ‘Freedom Programme’, not one person is interested in your ramblings about grammar or spelling. Do you what has happened to people in order to get Clare’s Law up and running? People have died. No one cares about you or your opinion on the written language.

If you think that is the important thing here then you should honestly feel very small. If you are ever in danger and someone says ‘well you said you feel in very danger so before we help you can we just have a chat about your grammar first?’ how would you feel? You’re the second person on this thread drawing attention to something small and insignificant.

Start your own thread about chat gpt and keep it separate from violence towards women and girls.

Us women have intuition for a reason! Thank god you trusted yourself! He must me in the love bombing stage! Don't feel guilty. Bet most women on here have an ex they wish they ran a mile from when they ifnored what their gut was telling them!!! And Claire's law clearly worked! So good for her even in death that ahe she is helping women still too this day!

@Croissantsocks It's simple. Never have relationships with men who have an established record of violence.

The vast majority of men are normal people who are not violent.

This probably was not the thread to express your bugbear.

I use brava to praise women too, despite not being Italian, because I want to push back on men being default sex. Which they are not biologically and shouldn't be culturally either, given their destructive propensity to violence and the mess they keep making.

Hello, sorry all it has been a busy day and I some how just lost my whole flipping reply!

I saw someone with bugbears! I’ve not caught up entirely but I do apologise ❤️English isn’t my first language, moved to the uk as a child and sometimes I get things a bit out of whack still, especially if I’m emotional and tired etc. but sorry if I was difficult to understand and for errors etc ☺️

long story short, I am safe-ish and he is gone.

i took the advice of a pp and have blamed work (i have actually been offered a great opportunity by manager today that will keep me busy for the next financial year!!) and i basically was as boring and bland and dull as i could be.

I have the ring doorbell up, warning markers on my phone and addrsss. The IDVA and police were amazing and im going to avoid blocking etc to avoid setting off a chain of events. Hopefully he will just not enjoy any contact with boring dreary work-bot me ☺️ and will get stuck in quicksand and never bother a single woman ever again.
he did drop the mask in his parting shots. He is ‘disappointed in’ me and mentioned how us women ‘always show who we really are after a few months of trying to impress him’

what a twat.

so, yes I just am going to sit tight this weekend, and hope he doesn’t get in touch.

thank you so so much everyone, especially for yesterday. It has been an awful few days and will probably be A Bit Shit until my nerves settle again but at least I’m home and safe with the cat curled up on me, and a fresh book to start reading ❤️💐thank you again ❤️

It will all soon be over and a decent, genuine man will deserve a place in your heart. For now, we are here and you have taken all the right advice. Try to enjoy your new book and company of your cat - exactly what I’m doing now.

Bless you. Wishing hard for a quiet life for you, with your cat and good work challenges.

This!
If you want to debate the finer points of grammar, start a thread of your own.

You’re an inspiration - well done for doing all the right things. Enjoy the peace.

Take care OP. Wishing you all the very best xx

Sorry for the late reply. So I filled in an online form, using the incognito tab on the internet explorer. There is a section where you can say what times are good or bad to call, I chose my officer hours as ‘good’
that was late at night and then a ‘normal’ mobile phone number called me the next day. I didn’t answer so the officer texted saying ‘hi just calling you about an appointment you requested’ and then I saved that number as ‘Clare Eyebrows’ ☺️ and have spoken to them on that number. I figured if he did see that flash up he would assume it was a girl / beauty thing. He didn’t see at all though.
I then had the disclosure via live video link, but had the option to go to a police station.
you can’t have anyone with you, as far as I know, and you must be home alone for the video call (I had to demonstrate the house was empty)

I would implore you to give it a try if you feel safe to do so xx they really were brilliant

Yes, full name, DOB, town you think they live in. I also have his car registration as he had quite a common name x

Well done Op for doing this - having the sixth sense to request the disclosure and then acting on it so calmly.

I know you feel like you were foolish to be drawn in, but I actually think you’ve done brilliantly. These people are convincing, but when you had the first inkling something was wrong, you acted on it. And a lot of women wouldn’t have realised that was dodgy.

I do feel sad though that you are having to jump through all these hoops and play it so cool and calm just to get rid of him, and avoid riling him up. So awful that women have to be this careful to avoid setting off a dangerous man!

How dare you?

I wrote every word.

It’s fascinating that we’ve reached the point where expressing empathy in complete sentences is now considered proof of AI.

@NameChangeMay2026 brava to you for being sooooo helpful

Ironic that you feel insulted by a data centre when it was written by a real life woman. Who is the prick here? (Clue.....its you).

Well done @Croissantsocks.
Youve saved yourself a LOT of hassle later on!

just to say, be careful he doesn’t start stalking you.

Thank god you had the intuition to do the check. This isn't anything you could have avoided. He done and said all the right things until then, unfortunately there are just so many of them about.

Be proud in your own senses that you had the realisation to do the checks before it got to the point of you having to go though trama.

I had an ex who was gorgeous, funny and caring at 1st. Unfortunately for me it wasn't until there was a physical insodence where the police were involved until I heard about Clares law. He went on to nearly kill the next woman.

I wish there was a simpler database where you could just check to see if you need to do a 1. I think most people just take a person as face value and how they are being treated by them so don't think to search everyone they get in a relationship with. It could also put single mums off just checking everyone as they worry the police might think there are reasons as to why you are checking and therefore worry about social services getting involved if they do a check with no reasons. There are definitely barriers to using this service. Luckily you were brave enough and didn't get caught up in barriers. But I can see that many women might not have had the same intuitive ways as you or trusted their gut

Written lots of long, kind replies to the OP and also written about how wonderful this legacy of Clare's is and how happy she would be if she could look down, and that her death was not in vain. So pipe down.

OP ignore the self righteous know-alls who have nothing better to do than nit-pick people.’s grammar on a thread where it is entirely irrelevant.

Honestly some people are just an embarrassment and ruin anything helpful they might have said by showing themselves up to be idiots.

He is ‘disappointed in’ me and mentioned how us women ‘always show who we really are after a few months of trying to impress him’

Gosh, it's so reliably true that manipulative narcissist types specifically accuse you of the thing that actually they are doing/have done. I think a lot of us wish we had understood this in relationships that left us feeling confused and gaslit, and apologising for things we knew really that we weren't doing.

After the comment by a pp upthread, I think we'll all be thinking differently about men who give us butterflies in the stomach too.

This is one of those threads that remind me to be so grateful to Mumsnet and its collective women's wisdom. There was no language for the shit that men so reliably pull on women, even, say, a decade or so ago - gaslighting, negging, breadcrumbing, The Script. No real talking about emotional or economic abuse, reactive abuse, all the things that can tie a woman in knots without really understanding that anything's even happening, never mind what it is and how to decode and resist it. And I know terms like narcissism are a bit overused now, but understanding that they aren't all grandstanding show offs, but in fact, like OP's man, can be covert, Mr Nice Guy narcissists, who target women and mess with their heads...and worse. I often kind of hate the internet and the way it's changed our lives, but the way women supportively pool information here is a thing of great value.