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Original poster

Clare's Law disclosure has left me shaken about a new relationship

384 replies

Croissantsocks · 04/06/2026 17:44

Name changed for obvious reasons but I’ve been around for a long while.

I suppose I’m just looking for an anonymous handhold/solidarity as no one in real life I can talk to.
After a couple years of not dating at all and just having a great little life with my dd I met someone nice at a work conference, lives close to me. Handsome, funny, patient etc.
Huge tummy flips when I see him, great chemistry etc.
Anyway, he said something in conversation about an ex partner that kind of pricked up my ears, so I did a Clare’s Law request. Police called me within 24 hours and did the disclosure the next day (today).
It was so so upsetting, the poor woman all this stuff happened to. And there are incidents reported over 2/3 years so not something isolated (not that it would make it better).
He has no convictions because charges were dropped before it went to court on every occasion.

I had an abusive relationship years ago, and have rebuilt my life and confidence. I didn’t even want a serious partner, and never want to marry or for anyone to meet my dd (he hasn’t thank god)

I feel so dizzy and sick, and sad and disgusted at myself that these men are attracted to me, and me to them.

He has been perfection over the past few months, a perfect gent, kind and funny etc etc so I really would have had no idea if my spider senses didn’t start tingling a few days ago.

He’s working away today thankfully so I have space to process without texting or calls from him. I just feel frightened and confused.

sorry for the ramble

OP posts:
Catwalking · 05/06/2026 08:56

I can’t thank you enough for giving us this information. It must be exhausting to be going through such a huge amount of worries & terrors; so sharing & informing here must be extra for you.
I truly hope this will come to a positive conclusion as soon as possible. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts for the time being till we hear this episode has been properly closed. 💐

Macinae · 05/06/2026 08:56

Well done OP for listening to your instincts which has lead to you protecting yourself and DD. These men wear a mask at the beginning to lure us in to the point we are in the thick of it, usually living together or married, and sharing finances in some capacity, only then do they allow this mask to slip. It's all about control.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 05/06/2026 09:07

NameChangeMay2026 · 05/06/2026 03:58

'Who made you feel fantastic." This makes me reflect. Ideally, we shouldn't "let" others make us feel fantastic. Bear with me! I think stable, healthy love is something that develops quietly and slowly over time, and isn't a big show. If they make you feel fantastic, very much better than usual, it's likely that you're being manipulated. I'm older and had an abusive marriage. I would be very wary of someone who was taking pains to make me feel fantastic. They should just be acting normal. Nice, of course, but not trying to create a Disneyland. I trust a low-key tone much more.

Another reflection is about OP's experience of the man describing a serious assault, but pretending that she did it to him instead of the other way round. I remember reading that often, when a woman calls the police because of an assault, the perp often tries to tell the police that she's the one who attacked him! Sometimes he creates injuries to shore up this tale. Yes, I know that men can be victims of DV too, but in the book or article that I was reading, they were talking about many cases where it had later been proven that the man crying wolf was, in fact, the perpetrator.

So it's fascinating to me that the OP's STBX did exactly that, pretend that he was the victim. It makes me wonder if he thought that she was going to find out about it and was making the pre-emptive strike of "But it was HER that beat ME up!" which is apparently a thing with many offenders. He probably doesn't even know about Clare's Law.

I'm so glad the police have all the real information about what happened to that poor woman. God bless her for making so many reports. And God bless poor Clare. 😢

Does anyone remember the cult Eighties film Poltergeist? The actress who played the older sister, named Dana in the film, was Dominique Dunne. She was murdered by her boyfriend, too, not long after the film was made. I remember her well in the film, and it was such a shock to find out what had happened to her.

Edited
Show quote history

"I remember reading that often, when a woman calls the police because of an assault, the perp often tries to tell the police that she's the one who attacked him!"

That's exactly what that misbegotten POS Brian Laundrie claimed when the Utah police were alerted by someone who saw him hitting Gabby Petito in the (her) van. And that claim was very happily accepted by the male cop (who was later accused of DV himself). Gabby was tiny, Laundrie was 1.5 times her weight. So Gabby was not allowed to stay in HER OWN van for a few days, to protect this violent fucker! 38 days later, he strangled and buried her.

And then he claimed in his diary that she begged him to strangle her, and he did it out of pity and love for her.

These fucking twisted men! Thank god for Clare's Law.

Wecanbeheroes26 · 05/06/2026 09:07

Oh wow OP, what a horrible shock. I'm glad you found out now. Don't really have anything useful to add but I hope you extract yourself safely from this relationship.

PinkPoetAgain1 · 05/06/2026 09:18

Croissantsocks · 04/06/2026 17:44

Name changed for obvious reasons but I’ve been around for a long while.

I suppose I’m just looking for an anonymous handhold/solidarity as no one in real life I can talk to.
After a couple years of not dating at all and just having a great little life with my dd I met someone nice at a work conference, lives close to me. Handsome, funny, patient etc.
Huge tummy flips when I see him, great chemistry etc.
Anyway, he said something in conversation about an ex partner that kind of pricked up my ears, so I did a Clare’s Law request. Police called me within 24 hours and did the disclosure the next day (today).
It was so so upsetting, the poor woman all this stuff happened to. And there are incidents reported over 2/3 years so not something isolated (not that it would make it better).
He has no convictions because charges were dropped before it went to court on every occasion.

I had an abusive relationship years ago, and have rebuilt my life and confidence. I didn’t even want a serious partner, and never want to marry or for anyone to meet my dd (he hasn’t thank god)

I feel so dizzy and sick, and sad and disgusted at myself that these men are attracted to me, and me to them.

He has been perfection over the past few months, a perfect gent, kind and funny etc etc so I really would have had no idea if my spider senses didn’t start tingling a few days ago.

He’s working away today thankfully so I have space to process without texting or calls from him. I just feel frightened and confused.

sorry for the ramble

Hi Croissant socks. I’m really pleased for you that you followed your instincts and found this out . I was hoping I could ask you what is the process for doing a Claire’s law , do they email or call you?
im thinking about doing one on my H but im scared they will just call me out of the blue and he will be there/find out
hope you’re ok ❤️

Becknutmeg · 05/06/2026 09:21

OP, you have been so incredibly brave with this. It sounds so horrible to discover. I really hope people read this and it makes them think there is something good about reporting crimes like these. Because of that brave woman, you have now got out of a dangerous situation. Flowers

honeylulu · 05/06/2026 09:25

Thank goodness for Clare's Law.

I hope you are ok today OP. Massive well done for acting on your instincts and enquiring. Glad the police are supporting/advising you on safely distancing yourself.

The most sinister thing about what you found out (although of course the serious assaults are horrendous in themselves) is that he chose to tell you about it, albeit in a reverse format. Almost like he's proud of it/boasting. Sent a shiver down my spine.

TheCheeseTax · 05/06/2026 09:43

Jesus - they walk among us. Good luck OP x

Letsgoforaskip · 05/06/2026 10:02

Also thinking about you today OP and sending support to everyone going through this 🥰

PoliteGreyDreamer · 05/06/2026 10:04

You didn't choose him, he chose to put you in a very difficult position by presenting an untrue version of himself to you. And thank god, you spotted it. Well done OP.

SpringsOnTheWay · 05/06/2026 10:27

Clare’s family must have saved so many lives.
i can’t imagine how hard it was to convince certain sectors of our policing and politics that it should happen.

don’t feel bad, you did everything right. They are clever fuckers.

NoisyMonster678 · 05/06/2026 10:28

He has history of some toxic behaviour don't let that be part of your future and drop him before it starts.

bittertwisted · 05/06/2026 10:30

Cheesecakeismeesecake · 05/06/2026 07:47

Some stats (UK):

1 in 5 DV incidents are reported to police

Only 6% of all known incidents result in a prosecution

And the sentence can range from a custodial sentence to a community order

A searchable public register of offences would be great

Worryingly, afaik and please do correct me if I'm wrong about this, it doesn't show on a DBS unless there's a conviction so the perpetrators can still get clearance!

Show quote history

It won’t show on a DBS, but it will on a Clare’s law disclosure. The one I received showed everything, not just the one that resulted in conviction

ThatLilacTiger · 05/06/2026 10:30

Croissantsocks · 04/06/2026 19:44

Thank you all so much, I’m having quite an ugly cry reading all this.

sorry to pp- I meant to quote. We work in the same industry but I am lucky in that I can choose what services I work with or swap with a colleague should I need to. My work is v v secure key cards etc so he can’t bother me there. I think I will tell my manager too but just fighting the shame of it at the moment to be honest.
I have a ring door bell being delivered tomorrow, and dd is away at dads on the weekend so I think I will send the text or call him once she’s left.

The police officer has said tomorrow they will arrange warning markers and things

Its so frightening and creepy, just knowing anyone of you could google him now and not one conviction would come up. I really don’t think you would have any idea looking at him

I just wanted to say that I understand feeling ashamed - that seems to be the way a lot of women feel when they've been cheated on for example, even though it's bullshit and not their fault. But if one of my friends or direct reports told me your story, I'd be really impressed with them for being so on the ball and advocating for their own safety, not being blinded by their feelings. It takes nerves of steel to do what you did and follow through with the break up and you should be proud to tell people about it. Ultimately you haven't fallen into the same trap as before, have you? Because you've fallen for a shit man in the past, you've had your wits about you and protected yourself at the first sign of danger. That's awesome due diligence on your part. Well done x

Sober23 · 05/06/2026 10:33

Croissantsocks · 04/06/2026 17:55

you agree in the disclosure not to share so I will honour that as far as the details obviously, but he could have killed her, yes. It was so hard to listen to, and just kept going with more dates, more offences etc.

the officer has referred me to another department tomorrow who are going to make a target hardening plan for after I ends things. So I will get it done over the next couple days and extract myself safely.

the confusion is more around unravelling the story he told me and the penny dropping I think.
he described a horrid assault with him as the victim, but it didn’t track with photos he had shown me (of himself) from around that time.
so he was describing what he did, but from the wrong point of view

This is classic DARVO technique.

What is DARVO? The Ultimate Guide to Manipulation in UK Law (2026) https://share.google/gXXNRL9bklxNA7kxN

Congratulations on your instincts and wishing you peace and happiness as you move on without this wrong'un in your life...

Cheesecakeismeesecake · 05/06/2026 10:41

bittertwisted · 05/06/2026 10:30

It won’t show on a DBS, but it will on a Clare’s law disclosure. The one I received showed everything, not just the one that resulted in conviction

Show quote history

No I know, but my point in the DBS was re: the low conviction/report rates, it is that these men have freedom

The onus is still on the victim-survivors to put safety plans in place, to get adaptations on their home, install a dash cam in their cars

Its the perpetrators who should lose their liberty, not the victims

HumberSquid · 05/06/2026 10:45

But that can only happen if there's a conviction.

Cheesecakeismeesecake · 05/06/2026 10:49

HumberSquid · 05/06/2026 10:45

But that can only happen if there's a conviction.

Therein is my point

Low rate= more perpetrators roaming around carefree

rainbowstardrops · 05/06/2026 11:03

Thank goodness your gut instinct was right! Doesn’t bare thinking about otherwise.

Wheresthebeach · 05/06/2026 11:10

I'm sure the police will advise on how to end the relationship with a form of words that's safe. I'm assuming neutral is best, 'need to concentrate on my family and work' type thing. Him talking about it, and it clearly being a lot of assaults, is unbelievably creepy and disturbing. Again, well done to recognising that it wasn't right and doing something about it rather than just ignoring your instincts.

HomeEdMum1 · 05/06/2026 11:22

JJkate · 04/06/2026 18:15

I recommend the poem called autobiography in 5 chapters if you don't already know it.

Thanks so much for sharing this. I can’t believe this poem is not more widely known. So moving and powerful and heartbreaking. Thanks so much again x

Katey83 · 05/06/2026 11:41

It's not your fault. He presented as a nice, open, honest person and like anyone else you took this at face value until your senses warned you this was not right. The tummy flips were also probably a warning from your body - we associate these with excitement and love, but in fact it is a dysregulation of your body. Safe people make you feel calm, not dysregulated.

chaosmaker · 05/06/2026 11:52

Shame that Claire's Law has to exist at all. Dangerous people should be known to all but I don't know how you'd do that.
Well done on keeping yourself safe. Instincts are great to trust.

Undercookedby10 · 05/06/2026 12:03

OP please don't be hard on yourself for 'choosing another one.' You're utterly amazing to have picked it and acted on those suspicions. Sadly, many women wouldn't have realised. Be so damn proud of your strength and how far you've come. And to be able to clearly make a decision to end this relationship. So no, you didn't choose another. You chose not to have another.

You're incredible and worthy of more OP. Don't forget it.

Wetcoatsandmudagain · 05/06/2026 12:29

The Shame is 100% his op. You have done an amazing job of flushing him out and keeping you and your daughter safe. These men are so often as charming as can be and it’s often impossible to know they aren’t what they seem. It’s scary how many walk amongst us every day. Thank you for sharing your experience and highlighting the importance of checking. I hope and pray he fucks off now never to be seen again. Wishing you and your daughter the peace and love you deserve.