Clare's Law disclosure has left me shaken about a new relationship

[Croissantsocks]

Name changed for obvious reasons but I’ve been around for a long while.

I suppose I’m just looking for an anonymous handhold/solidarity as no one in real life I can talk to.
After a couple years of not dating at all and just having a great little life with my dd I met someone nice at a work conference, lives close to me. Handsome, funny, patient etc.
Huge tummy flips when I see him, great chemistry etc.
Anyway, he said something in conversation about an ex partner that kind of pricked up my ears, so I did a Clare’s Law request. Police called me within 24 hours and did the disclosure the next day (today).
It was so so upsetting, the poor woman all this stuff happened to. And there are incidents reported over 2/3 years so not something isolated (not that it would make it better).
He has no convictions because charges were dropped before it went to court on every occasion.

I had an abusive relationship years ago, and have rebuilt my life and confidence. I didn’t even want a serious partner, and never want to marry or for anyone to meet my dd (he hasn’t thank god)

I feel so dizzy and sick, and sad and disgusted at myself that these men are attracted to me, and me to them.

He has been perfection over the past few months, a perfect gent, kind and funny etc etc so I really would have had no idea if my spider senses didn’t start tingling a few days ago.

He’s working away today thankfully so I have space to process without texting or calls from him. I just feel frightened and confused.

sorry for the ramble

What info do you need to give?

please don’t blame yourself. They are the ones in the wrong.

I’m still quite raw from a relationship where I also noticed lots of red flags but they weren’t so obviously bad as an assault. It was him talking about his ex and how he didn’t desire her for the last 3 years of their relationship and it tortured her but he didn’t want her to know that he didn’t desire her. He just told her he didn’t have any sex drive when he did. She ended up leaving him as he didn’t want a baby with her, said he felt very differently with me. Said his ex was a very damaged woman, she overate etc. she drained him and he was exhausted by her but he didn’t leave her. He even told me he had sex with her a year after she left him to make her feel better about everything and make her feel as though he did desire her though he admitted he didn’t. It all sounded manipulative to me but there was a really good side to him. Like you say seemed perfect, seemed to adore me so I tried to push it to one side and ignore it. Then he started with the manipulation with me and when I’d get angry or upset and explain how he’d hurt me he’d tell me I was BPD or a narcissist and he was physical at times throwing things and screaming at me. He read private messages on my phone and looked through all of my Photos for over a year without consent and attacked me over what he found even though there was nothing bad. I hadn’t cheated on him or anything and wasn’t hiding anything.

there was loads more but it was mostly emotional.

It was incredibly traumatic and even then still hard to get out of as I was so trauma bonded and confused by that point. He’d definitely love bombed my in retrospect and then started to devalue me. I blamed myself as my previous long term partner was controlling and I didn’t really understand it all for 10 years. I’m starting to think about dating again but it terrifies me.

Good for them and what they want, but not what's best for their children, usually. When they're more vulnerable, their safety and emotional wellbeing should be the priority. Yes, of course the solution is for men to be better, but there's zero point saying that because that's some lofty future goal, and not the reality we live in, here and now.

You say that loneliness increases is bad for your health, and a good sex life is good for it. I have no doubts about that, but do you know what's usually bad for children? Abuse. Children are more likely to experience abuse from a step-parent than they are their parent.

No one says a single mum has to be single forever, but the effects of abuse, or having to navigate all the complexities of someone who's romantically involved with their parent, will be. If you're a straight woman, the risks are higher because that other person will be male.

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear you go through this. As a person who has worked with victim / survivors... I would advise contacting a local domestic abuse service near you so you have support and a safety plan should you decide to end the relationship, or a safety plan if you decide to stay. Since Claire law was done so quick sounds like he is on a radar so even though you have not experienced any DV it doesn't mean you are not entitled to support.

Well done @Croissantsocks - you did completely the right thing. Do not blame yourself.

Definitely reach out to a local DA organisation for support during your exit plan and for some emotional support. I’m sure it’s brought up so many emotions and memories for you.

Thank goodness for Clare’s Law. I’m so glad it’s there but as a few other PP’s have said, I won’t be pursuing a relationship until my child is grown up. Perhaps I never will again. And that’s ok, I’d rather be romantically alone for the rest of my life than in an abusive relationship ever again. But it’s such a personal choice and I’m really happy that others make it work. Fills me with hope!

I think any man that has DA (or any violence) reported against them should have to go on an intensive course like the Freedom programme and undergo therapy. Something else needs to happen to end this cycle of MVAWG.

Oh crap op. This is so distressing. Keep yourself at a safe distance. Sending support xxx

You can frame this positively. You have good intuition and you knew something was wrong. You are bold and wise enough to trust that intuition and act on it in a safe and appropriate way.

You have dodged another abusive relationship. That is a huge breakthrough. Abusive men are supercharming at first. For me, that is a red flag in itself. But even if he did spot that you are a gentle and trusting person, you have clearly already grown and learned so you will not be put in that position again. You just need an excuse that is boring enough to keep him away when you end it. And you must end it asap.

When police attend a report of domestic violence, they see evidence of assault, but not necessarily evidence of who did it. Of course they know who did it, but they need proof. The evidence of who did it would come from witness testimony in court (the woman). If the woman doesn’t want to do this, they can’t make her. They can only actually press charges independently if they witnessed it themselves or have some kind of external proof (or other witness, but of course other witnesses aren’t common in domestic violence).

OP, I think you need to tell him that you have realised you are not ready for a relationship and you need to focus on your DC for now. Tell him he deserves someone wonderful who can offer him a proper relationship. And have someone with you when you do, in case he turns up at the house. I would personally lie and add some very unsexy details, such as an elderly relative being ill or needing extra support and you needing to spend a lot of time with them, which has made you reflect that there is not room in your life right now for a relationship.

An unrelated male in the house is statistically the greatest abuse risk to a child, yes. But I wonder what that risk actually is? It can be the greatest of all the people in the child's life most likely to abuse, statistically, but that doesn't mean a great risk. The absolute risk can still be very low.

Not all men are abusers. Avoiding them for years on end and living a lonely life until you're much older calls to mind the expression "throwing the baby out with the bathwater".

I understand the caution, though.

I'm not a single mum, but I wouldn't move a man in if I were. But I'd like the chance to date.

Well done @Croissantsocks
Your healing has worked.
You had an uneasy feeling and you acted on it.
You are doing the right thing keeping yourself and your DC safe x

Don't you mean bravo? We're not speaking Italian! (In which case, it would be brava.) But in English, it's a gender-neutral word, since English doesn't have grammatical genders outside pronouns.

Sorry, one of my bugbears. It sounds so pretentious!

I just read it. Fab!

Thank you thank you thank you for being so smart and doing a Clares Law! I hope so many see this and become inspired to do a background check if they have any doubts about their partner.
Wish you all the best if luck and stay safe.

dear OP, the shame isn't yours, it's his. He's ridden on/taken advantage of the best/most affiliative emotions which enable us to be lovely humans. I know you're feeling "fooled again", but, as you know, the 'stock in trade' of the Abuser is oodles of charm together with huge talent for being apparently affiliative towards the other person. We can all fall for that. We all want love, hugs and to be seen. The Abuser knows how to use/abuse normal, natural interpersonal attachment 'loops' to gain mastery and thus bring about a system which, in the end, is little short of enslavement. Christiane Sanderson has a day's training on this (face to face in Dublin in October). Otherwise, look up her work. She is so wise and so experienced.
Good luck, OP. You have been so totally correct in what you've done. Much love.

No, she meant brava!

To protect yourself because he might come to your home, create a plan and role play what you will do, checking back door always locked for the long foreseeable, change your tel/mobile numbers- a necessary hassle, do not come home in the dark , again for the foreseeable, check you’re not followed including in the supermarket or school pick ups etc, know what action you need to take in those situations, change your car if you can do that, or move without putting up For Sale signage.

These men have large egos and will be wanting to know if you know the truth about his previous activities particularly since he switched the blame on to the victim and he’ll want to again portray himself as victim.

When we are in England, we are English, and speaking English, why would you introduce rules of foreign grammar? English does not have gendered grammar except pronouns. In English, bravo is a gender neutral word and refers to everyone. So there!

Or do you apply other foreign gramme rules in English? Do you say "He was a great concert" instead of "It was a great concert?" And "I had an ice cream yesterday. She was great!"

You can see where I'm going with this.

Why introduce that one piece of foreign grammar? Why not others?

I did say it was a bugbear. Sorry for the derail. Maybe I'll start a new thread.

Do you need a full name and DOB to do Claire's law.
I am really glad this exists too and OP, don't blame yourself. We've all attracted the wrong sort at some point myself many times.

I am just glad you have the info and can try and get out now. I am also long term single. Started trying to date last year OLD after 11 years of being single and it was just awful to see what was on offer and how men my age (45) still treat women.

Well done for trusting yourself.
Good book 'The gift of fear' by Gavin de Becker to back this up.
If you can afford it, women often say that therapy changes the type of men they fall for.

What are gramme rules?

Such a ridiculous and entirely unnecessary post. 🙄

Thank goodness this kind of thing exists so women and children can be safer from men like him.

Listen to them. I was in the happy bubble when disclosed to and like you, he had never been convicted. I didn't believe any of it as he was seemingly perfect. How wrong. He raped me, strangled me, messed with my head, financially controlling, and everything in between. I became closed off from family because of his mind games and control and I am ashamed to say, verbally abusive to my child. CPS didn't progress to court after over a year of investigations. That monster is still free. Please, please don't stay with him or let him win you back.

Look after you and your children. There will be the right person. It took a few years, but I met my husband and wondered what the hell I thought was a loving relationship before that.

Don't be harsh to yourself. These particular men are conniving shits and will win us over however they can.
Block him everywhere, get a video doorbell if you don't have one. Protect yourself, they don't like it when found out and can't feed off us. He's probably got new feeds or fallbacks lined up I'm afraid.
You will move on from this and be stronger for it. Xx

*Apologies, I properly read your posts after. Well done for following their advice and making plans to be safe and end things. Wishing you every luck going forward. Xx

Really bad form to jump in and express such 'bugbears' on a thread like this.

I am so sorry that that happened to you!

I think part of the campaign messaging around Clare's Law should be to emphasise that if it's bad enough to warrant a CL disclosure, it's bad. A few people on here have questioned about whether the disclosure could be due to someone's false accusation, so it's not just you who questioned it or didn't believe it. Campaigners need to address that gap in understanding - i.e. that false accusations don't get turned into CL disclosures. That the disclosures are made of material which was properly investigated.

I can't believe he's still free! That makes me sick.

Really glad you found someone nice.

I’d agree with this nice sentiment if it hadn’t been so OBVIOUSLY written by chat gpt. The syntax, the bullet points, its insulting every sentient beings intelligence, FFS.

if you don’t have anything original or helpful to say, stay quiet.

this brave smart woman doesn’t need platitudes from a data centre.