Can a marriage recover after repeated kissing and flirty messages?

[UdderlyBaffled]

My husband has cheated on me. I don’t know if it constitutes an affair exactly but it’s definitely cheating. I’m really grappling with whether or not I can past it.
For context we have been together for 16 years and married for 8 of those with 2 children under 4.
He has kissed a coworker on 2 different work nights out. They were both very drunk but leading up to the first kiss and in between that and the 2nd kiss they had been texting and calling each other. I believe leading up to the kiss they were friends. The messages weren’t sexting or about meeting up or having feelings but they were still I feel very flirty.
i think I’m still in shock as I truly thought my husband would be the last man on earth to do this.
on one hand I KNOW I’m not overreacting to be considering divorce but on the other hand is it worth throwing away everything and breaking apart our family and otherwise happy marriage for this?
anyone had similar experiences? How did you cope?

If you want to message me, I’m awake most hours!

Yes pleaes

I do not buy into this "neglected his needs" business. You had your head down working towards a joint effort. If he wanted romance from you he should have found a way to romance you. This is not your fault it's his. Yes, a relationship takes both people and work and part of that work is looking for solace inside the marriage not outside of it. I guess if you were actively pushing him away that's one thing but I'm guessing you were just getting your head down into the hard work of bringing up kids (which incidentally many men seem to escape the really hard work of and maybe that's why they get bored).

However that doesn't mean ltb necessarily. There is no deadline on your choice though. He needs to work on himself. You need to examine your feelings properly in the course of daily life. Don't push them down for ease but if you feel like you can trust him and you WANT to be with him then keep going. I'd give yourself a year or so rather than months to make the decision. Prepare the practicalities for the worst case, work on the marriage together, be honest with yourself about how you feel. There's no rush and there's no need to reassure him either, you are the focus now.

Did you read the entire message thread? When did he usually speak to her?
just because you can see where he’s been on Google maps doesn’t mean they haven’t had sex. There was another thread where the husband was having sex in work, down back alleys, in cars. I wouldn’t trust a word he is saying he’s lying now to protect himself and also probably so you don’t get more hurt. Maybe speak with the other woman?

Yes, been through the exact same thing. This was back in 2004. We had been married for 14 years (together for 17), and had 2 kids aged 7 & 5. We had just bought our dream home, and finally thought we'd made it. Nothing wrong in the relationship, still had date nights and sex etc. But I found out that he'd been messaging other women, and kissing them too. I'm pretty sure he had sex with someone else, but I have no proof.

I decided to forgive, for the sake of our family unit, the kids etc. He just carried on, but got better at hiding it. Cue 3 years of absolute hell, with him doing this, and me turning detective.

Then, in 2007, I was in a nightclub, and got chatting to a guy, and out of nowhere he swooped in and kissed me. It was like a light bulb moment, where I suddenly realised "other men are available". That was the first indiscretion on my part, in the whole 20 years we had been together. I knew then that I was worth more than this. I made an exit plan, and I'm not ashamed to say that in that year that I was lining up my ducks, I also had some dalliances with OM.

By 2008, I had sorted everything out for our split, and let me tell you, he was MORTIFIED. Well, tough shit. He begged me on his hands and knees not to go. And bizarrely, that was the first time that he really understood the ramifications of what he had done. Before, when I was still playing happy families, he just didn't see any reason for him not to have his cake and eat it too. So, once he knew we were over, he decided to romance my very best friend and shag her. So, I lost her too at this point.

I moved out, and bought myself a lovely little house, and I was free of all the lies and bullshit. I joined a few dating sites, and luckily I met DH, just 8 weeks later.
We have now been together for 17.5 years, and neither of us have ever been unfaithful, and we both know that if we did, it would be the end.

ExH, on the other hand, has cheated on every other woman he has dated since me.

So personally for me, I'd be off.

That said, one of my close friends caught her DH full on cheating in 2000. He was having daily sex with a colleague - they went to her house every lunch time. This went on for 6 months, and it only came to light because the OW sent my friend all the e-mails between them. She forgave him, and they are still together to this day. So, things can be salvaged, if that's what you want.

Would I be happy with that? No.

I think that with time, you'll know what to do, even if that's a few years down the line.

A stupid choice on his part but if the relationship is otherwise sound and he's taking responsibility for his actions and is remorseful for the hurt he has caused then I would work to get past this. He needs to work to understand why he was weak in this situation so he can ensure it won't happen again and once he's doing that, you need to chose to trust again so this doesn't eat away at you.

Even if there were marriage issues that doesn’t excuse this behaviour. Cheating is never ok and if there were problems he should have talked to you and tried to work things out. Too many people who cheat use this excuse and it’s not acceptable. It’s your decision whether you think you can move past it and work out your problems. Personally if it were me I wouldn’t be able to get past it and wouldn’t be able to trust him again but only you know if you can. Just FYI, if you do call it a day, you aren’t breaking up your family, he’s the one doing that because of his actions.

Once might be a mistake.

Twice and flirty messages is intentional.

Can your marriage recover. Only if you can 100% trust him.

Can you?

This is typical of some men- he’s not been getting attention from you and your relationship has changed since having kids so some pretty little thing has made him feel special and turned his head. Personally, me and my husband have been through this stage recently and I can see how it can happen. However, I do not think I could forgive and forget. You sound like you’ve made your mind up to move on from
this and give him the benefit of the doubt but the trust is gone and it might take you a while to realise but it won’t be the same. Also, a single
drunken stumbly kiss is very different to two separate kisses and intentional messaging. It’s very hard to leave, VERY hard. It’s easier to stay but I expect you’ll be deeply unhappy if you do.

He maybe can't or won't tell you why because he knows it's too hurtful. Do you want to hear what he was thinking about when he was with her, maybe that he wasn't thinking about you at all? When you've always been his first thought in the past.

I think i would struggle in that it was you who found out and that put a stop to it, and that it wasn't his decision to put a stop to it. Were they actually messaging while you were all out together as a family? That hurts. How long was it going to last, was he going to leave you eventually?

But then, it can be a pain in the arse living as co parents and navigating all that comes with blended families. You never wanted that, but also you never wanted this. Neither option is the ideal option you thought you were living last week. I think counselling is a good idea and you have to take your time to think which road would you be happier on, because he's already taken the option you thought you had off the table.

Good luck and don't rush into anything I'd say. And keep your eye on him for any signs that you're actually past the point of no return.

I think the world is a complicated place and long marriages aren’t easy. Not excusing it at all, and if you can’t get over it, that’s fine too. But if he is showing remorse then it’s not an awful thing to, once you’ve had time to rant and rail, give him another go. I’m not sure I’d throw a marriage over for this.

take time and take care of yourself.

Presumably the reason why he did it was because life with young children is often relentless, boring and very unsexy and he fancied another woman as an escape from that. It does suggest a weakness in his character, how he behaves from now on will indicate whether he also has depth

In reality unless you can turn your brain off if he has work meetings or goes out with his friends etc unlikely your relationship will ever be the same.
His next one will be logged under a male name and she’ll have strict instructions not to send heart messages.

Agreeing with every single word!

Although the situation you describe is deplorable you can't generalise & deem every marriage to be the same in this respect. I have a close friend whose DH cheated when she was pregnant. He admitted he thought he was in love with the other woman who made it clear she wanted him. My friend was devastated & he left. They remained amicable for the sake of their 3 children. Her DH eventually split from the other woman was also married. She remained with her DH who never found out. Long story short my friend was on a night out & met her X in a bar. They began chatting & he ended up back in the family home & never left. They are still together after many happy years. I'm not saying this should be the choice for everyone but again you can't assume every marriage can never & should never survive infidelity.

Apologies, I meant to add a quote in my recent & last post. It was in reply to a poster who was vehemently against trying to save the marriage & stated many give the opposite advice purely for religious reasons. This is not true.

I don't believe it has anything to do with that. He did it because he had the opportunity and he didn't think he would get caught, absolutely nothing to do with the marriage.

If you want a lot of sex, but your partner is too tired for sex, you're not pulling your weight.

The following misogynistic fallacies often appear in these situations:

If you want more sex, you are not the problem.

If you kiss/sext/message/have sex with someone else, you must be lacking attention in your own relationship.

Your spouse/partner is too focused on the children, so you were obviously going to stray.

Sex must happen at bedtime at least 3 times a week, even if your spouse/partner is essentially working a night shift/up by 5am every day with the DC, while you sleep on.

Don't get me wrong, I have been attracted to other people over the years, sometimes to a distracting degree. I've wanted more sex, despite rejecting sex with my DH at bedtime.

Acting on this (to any degree) is a very conscious choice, even with a strong physical urge at play. It is not inevitable or justified.

I think this is very good advice and is how I see it.

If you were happy and sharing your life with him, having sex and thought you were happy and connected and that wasn’t enough for him….im not sure I could get past that.

But if your relationship was effectively on pause while dealing with young kids (which does often happen), it’s more understandable how this could happen.

In the first instance, it would suggest you weren’t enough and he’s choosing another woman over you.

In the second instance, you are enough, but you’re not available. So he’s taking what we can get elsewhere.

Not ideal, but different.

5 years ago my now ex husband had an emotional affair with a work colleague. Discovered it on his phone which he admitted and said he would never do again. Last year he ended up having another affair in his work place and just left. I filed for a divorce straight after. Men do not change, it's just a matter of time. Some are just built for affair, secrecy and betrayal whilst others are not.

Hi i have been there with my now ex husband and we tried but he did it agine