Can a marriage recover after repeated kissing and flirty messages?

[UdderlyBaffled]

My husband has cheated on me. I don’t know if it constitutes an affair exactly but it’s definitely cheating. I’m really grappling with whether or not I can past it.
For context we have been together for 16 years and married for 8 of those with 2 children under 4.
He has kissed a coworker on 2 different work nights out. They were both very drunk but leading up to the first kiss and in between that and the 2nd kiss they had been texting and calling each other. I believe leading up to the kiss they were friends. The messages weren’t sexting or about meeting up or having feelings but they were still I feel very flirty.
i think I’m still in shock as I truly thought my husband would be the last man on earth to do this.
on one hand I KNOW I’m not overreacting to be considering divorce but on the other hand is it worth throwing away everything and breaking apart our family and otherwise happy marriage for this?
anyone had similar experiences? How did you cope?

I do wish that more people felt comfortable expressing unmet needs to their spouses. Wouldn't it be marvellous if men sat their wives down and told them that they were dying inside from a lack of connection, romance, dating, sex, instead of trying to get those things elsewhere.

I know why, he did it because he could. The ego trip, the thrill. He even went back for more, creeping around, texting and god knows what. You know it was more than twice right?

He is soooo sorry now. Because he got caught. You’ll out him to his family, your family, his friends about the deceitful little fuck he really is. That’s what the begging is all about, keeping up appearances as the nice faaaamily man 🥱

That is the truth. And none of it is about how he feels about you or the children.

I have always thought, maybe in error. That if you met the right person for you, who adored you, then non of this disrespect towards you would happen.
It's the dis respect that hits hard.
If you left you would be ok. Thousands of women have, myself included.
Despite the terrible upheaval, life is so much calmer on the other side.
Be brave in yourself and ask is this what I signed up for when I got married. If it's not, get your ducks in a row.

This is what’s so difficult. If I knew for certain that was our future obviously I’d walk now. Shame there’s no such thing as a crystal ball.

He won't answer the why question because it would put him in the shit.

Why:
because I fancied her
because I thought I could get away with it
because I needed an ego boost
because she was just there
because I was bored
etc
etc
etc

Thing is, he knows that you know that he can't promise he'll never fancy anyone else ever again, or think he can get away with something, or suddenly develop a magic ego, or refuse opportunity, or never be bored. So he can't tell you why because it'll reveal future challenges. In other words, he's still not being honest.

You don’t need to make a quick decision. It’s easy to say leave but it can be very hard practically.

He is the one who needs to act now. Don’t spend your time arranging counselling or doing anything to reconnect. It needs to come from him. I would become a bit aloof and just observe what he does next. If he genuinely that sorry, he will make a massive effort. If he doesn’t, I would probably want to end the relationship.

I am really sorry you are in such a rubbish situation, but whatever happens it will pass and hopefully you will get clarity on what’s best for you and your children.

If you ever want to talk i have bean there

Only you can decide what is best for you so give yourself time to think. I think the worst outcome would be to go against your own instincts and desires because the majority of posters have convinced you that acting with pragmatism and resilience (combined with a deep desire to return to how things once were when the relationship was strong) is to lack self respect (it is not). Yes it may happen again, but it’s always a possibility in any relationship - life is full of risk. I’m not saying give him a free pass like he’s done nothing wrong, but maybe take the time and work on it if you both feel there’s something worth saving.

You get a lot of Mystic Megs on here who will insist, based on the very narrow snapshot of your life provided, that your scenario will play out the same as theirs, or the same as their friends. I think these people give far too much weight to their own lived experience vs the possibly different experiences of others outside of the echo chamber of the own social groups and chosen online communities (which as you may have noticed have something of an LTB bias).

It certainly wasn’t a loveless marriage and I quite frankly resent the accusation that we’d moved apart.

Resent away. It struck a nerve and that means something. I never said your marriage was loveless, I said it was unhealthy. You're the one who said your marriage was more like being housemates. That's moved apart right there. Now you're backtracking but emotional connection is not something you can turn on then off then on again like a light switch and it's vital in a healthy marriage. You said you were putting reconnecting off until your youngest was older.

I think the two of you not only lack connection, but communication.

Your marriage had unaddressed issues, he cheated with a coworker and has brought yet more issues. Now you have to deal with the loss of trust as well as lack of emotional connection and communication. He knows why he cheated, he just doesn't want to tell you.

You could try marriage counseling, but unless he's willing to be more honest than he has been and you both see the issues leading to this marriage breakdown, it won't be fixable.

100%

Thank you for wording this directly but with empathy and kindness. It’s definitely given me pause for thought.

Changing job is the key for coworker affairs.

My now ex husband did this to and i forgave him and he did it again for the third time and i ended the marriage after he did it for the third time

Your marriage is not generic, Op.
It is your marriage and the same as no other.

So your marriage might survive and be stronger.

Ensure that the promises of counselling do happen.

Put the work in to understand why your DH was so stupid and how how he will not tempt fate like that again.
Only time will tell but I wish you happy secure times again.

Go out of your way to nurture your relationship. Invest time.

Both of you make it happy. You have something to lose if you don't try to regain trust.

Seems like somebody else’s life now, but I was pregnant when I found out my husband was having an affair. I stayed for all the children’s sakes and later retrained. I don’t think he did it again but aged 40, I realised he was clearly a very unhappy person who didn’t like or respect me. He had no friends. We did counselling before the birth but I felt it was simply there to ‘shut me up and let’s get everything back to normal.’ He is a very damaged person and incapable of change. In the divorce/custody it was clear/still is he hates me. I watched Doctor Phil at the time and his mantra to unfaithful husbands was ‘you made the mess - you clean it up.’ Again and again. I think your husband deserves a chance to focus on why it happened. If he can’t, then you don’t know who you’re married to. You can’t project who you think he is - he has to tell you. He’s already shown you (kissing another woman.) He’s a man, not a boy and he needs to own his behaviour. I have had a very happy ending OP X

In your OP you ask is it worth throwing everything away. But you have to know that he is the one who has already decided to throw things away. He's already wrecked it. You don't need to rush into any decisions right now. You can hand it to him and say 'you broke it now you go about fixing it'. If he can fix it, great, if not, then you'll know. You don't have to put it all on your shoulders to decide. Part of that fixing is he either tells you why or goes to therapy to figure it out to give you an honest answer.
Maybe you guys had become roommates, but he should have said how much of a problem it was for him before kissing another person, not after.
Tales of remorse are also hollow when it looks like it would have carried on merrily if you didn't find out.
So put all the responsibility back on to him. Take your time. It may be too soon for you to know what you want.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I’m in a very similar situation, and just found out a week ago. I told him to leave. I have no idea what to do now. I feel humiliated.

This was my experience. I got eaten away for 6 years before I left. I couldn't get past his behavior and the not knowing the real truth. He had many flaws which became part of the problem which I ended hating.

I hated becoming the problem because I never let things go! My children were a different age so different situation.

Nope.

He broke your trust and disrespected you.

If you had not seen the messages this would still be going on....

Dump him and move on with your life.

It very much depends on your life without him in it OP.

He’s done damage that will always be there. You will always hurt a bit. If you have a supportive network of friends and family so you know you and your DC could manage comfortably without him then honestly that’s what I’d do.

But if the alternative is miserable and you think you are the kind of person who could put this behind you, then there’s nothing wrong in giving it a go.

I would be building an escape plan though, in case it was ever needed.

I’m so sorry you’re going through the same thing. It’s an absolute crock of shit isn’t it.

My now ex husband did this to and i forgave him and he did it again for the third time and i ended the marriage after he did it for the third time

How is your marriage generally?
Ive been in a similar situation and I stayed for a long time after. The lack of trust eroded our relationship until it got to the point that it was very clear the right thing to do was to split up.
i think communication will be key. I don’t think we communicated well enough to allow me to move past what had happened.
It sounds like it may have been a period of weakness.

He’s answered all of my questions. All 25,000 with the exception of why. He just keeps saying he doesn’t know why

He does know why. He just doesn't want to admit to it.

I know why I have flirted with and missed men - because I fancied them and I wanted to.

Why have you ever flirted with someone and kissed them? Why do you think he did it

I'd actually have more respect for someone who did this and was honest about it. The constant, "I don't know why I did it!" would eventually piss me off more than the actual cheating tbh. At least with honesty, you have a platform for moving forward if you wanted to.

But he is still lying to you when he says he doesn't know and that's an extra level of disrespect I couldn't tolerate because I'd know I'd never trust him again on anything.

My marrieg end becoues off it