Can a marriage recover after repeated kissing and flirty messages?

[UdderlyBaffled]

My husband has cheated on me. I don’t know if it constitutes an affair exactly but it’s definitely cheating. I’m really grappling with whether or not I can past it.
For context we have been together for 16 years and married for 8 of those with 2 children under 4.
He has kissed a coworker on 2 different work nights out. They were both very drunk but leading up to the first kiss and in between that and the 2nd kiss they had been texting and calling each other. I believe leading up to the kiss they were friends. The messages weren’t sexting or about meeting up or having feelings but they were still I feel very flirty.
i think I’m still in shock as I truly thought my husband would be the last man on earth to do this.
on one hand I KNOW I’m not overreacting to be considering divorce but on the other hand is it worth throwing away everything and breaking apart our family and otherwise happy marriage for this?
anyone had similar experiences? How did you cope?

How did you find out and what has he said about it?

I'm really sorry this has happened to you OP.

How did you find out about his cheating?
Have you talked to him about it?

If you want to have a chance of saving your marriage then he needs to work very hard at regaining your trust. And that would involve him changing his job so that he no longer works with the OW and has no contact with her.

Even if you try to get past this affair your marriage will be irrevocably changed.

In the back of your mind you’ll probably always be vigilant about their relationship and whether he’ll do it again. Do you want to live like that?

well what does he want and heat is he prepared to do? how did you find out.

a man who is incredibly sorry and is looking for a new job and cutting complete contact and putting conscience effort into your marriage Vs a guy who thinks it's nothing, you're over reacting and of course he's staying friends with her would get very different considerations

I found out by seeing a message on his phone. I’d forgotten my phone when we were out at a cafe with children so I used his to send a photo to our extended family group chat. The message was 3 hearts ♥️ from a woman so obviously I opened to look.

he’s been incredibly remorseful, cut all
contact, blocked all phone numbers, social media etc. said he’ll go to counselling, marriage counselling the works. He hasn’t been able to tell me why though.

its hard to explain but I don’t worry about him ever doing this again. I told him the other day how I’d realised that if we did divorce I’d survive it. I don’t need him. I genuinely thought he was having a heart attack. I think he realised in that moment what he’d done.

I don’t doubt for a second that he’s truly remorseful or that he’d repeat his behaviour. It just doesn’t change the fact that it has happened and I can’t decide if he deserves a second chance.

it has made me realise I love him. We’ve been in the typical young children housemate routine for a while. Just always thought we’d reconnect when our youngest was a little less dependant on me

I know I couldn't personally get past it. I really value loyalty. I think it would be difficult for anyone tbh.

I appreciate he seems remorseful but I would be suspicious of this as he didn't come out and tell you about the affair/cheating, he only did so after you had learnt of it yourself. If you hadn't seen the message, he may not have said anything at all.

When this happened to me I thought it was a wake up call but then I learned about trauma bonding and as time went on I realised I never really knew what he was up to.

That bothers me to. I don’t think he would have told me but to be honest I wish I didn’t know. I wish he’d called it off himself and no more ever said. I wish, I wish sigh

I’m so sorry this happened to you to. How long did it take you to make up your mind

I absolutely would not forgive and forget. No seconchances.

Is it really over? Does he have a secret phone? These are the things I would be thinking about so I guess, for me, I would never recover and it would be over. The love would have gone the minute the disrespect occurred. But, I'm not you. So, it's up to you to decide what you're willing to let go, accept or forgive. Whatever your decision, it's shitty you have been put into the position to have to make it ❤

Has he admitted to only kissing her ? Or did you read this

You’ve asked if it’s worth throwing away everything, he should have asked himself that before he cheated.

what would have happened if you didn’t see the messages, it would have likely continued right?

There are ways through it of course, but I’m not sure if you’ll ever look at him the same again and you have to think about how this will affect your self esteem.

sorry you’re going through this x

I was with my EXH for 12years when this happened to me 10 years ago. I left. Very happy with my decision.

He has been found out. So it makes sense he is remorseful.

I think you are being rather naive if you think he won't do this again OP. He started an affair with someone he worked with whilst in a supposedly happy marriage with you. Presumably because the opportunity arose with a willing affair partner. Really what is to stop him doing this again at some time in the future?

He admitted it but he did try denying it first. I have done soooo much sleuthing I can verify his where abouts on those nights out and that there were other people there, how much he spent and where etc etc. his google maps actually had trips enabled so I could see every place he’d been since January, probably further back if I’d cared to check so I believe that they didn’t have sex.
i think it’s the messaging that bothers me more than a drunken kiss. Not saying a drunken kiss is ok but I can see how that would be a mistake. This just feels… more personal. Also that it happened more than once.

Funny how he was only remorseful once you found out.
Once would be bad enough but they kissed twice. He didn’t think of you or your family, he went back for more.

I wouldn’t trust him again.

Think about what you have said…..

if he’s already done it a couple of times and you say let’s work this out it’s a green light for him to just do it again

he has zero respect for you so show some respect for yourself and get rid of this looser!

I wouldn't want to stay married to a man who kisses other women, so it's a no from me.

If you had done this to him, would he forgive you?

You can try and carry on and make the best of it, but you will never have peace of mind again. You will never trust him. You will resent him.

It’s not you who has thrown this away; it’s him.

I wouldn't get past that at all, I'd be getting a divorce lawyer and booting him out.

How long would it have continued if you hadn't found out? I'm really sorry but I'd put money on it being more than kissing, that's what he's confessed to now you've found out. And of course he's panicking, it could well be the thought of losing you but it's probably him shitting himself at being discovered in general.

Dunno how effective blocking her will be of they work together and socialise on work nights out either.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Did you ever find out how long it had been going on? Were you happy before he cheated?

Thank you for being kind, it’s hard not telling many people in real life so strangers messages online seem to mean so much. It’s funny if it was a friend I’d be telling her to leave. Always thought I would to. Turns out when it happens to you it just doesn’t feel so simple.

They’re no longer working in the same location and he has offered to look for another job

Not a chance. He's not sorry, just sorry he got caught.