Worried about possible red flags early dating?

[Sheshappy123]

Ive been dating a guy for the past 6 weeks (although it feels much longer and things have moved fast and we do have strong feelings for each other already) but a few things have rang small alarm bells in my head and wanted to see wether others would think these are red flags

He looks at my phone when I’m texting and asks who I’m talking to

i noticed one night that he’d looked through my phone as it was open on messages that I hadn’t looked at in ages

He was messing around like play fighting with me and put his arm hard against my throat I got upset and did cry as my last relationship was a little violent at times and I suffered abuse as a child from my mums partner, he did seem upset though and apologised and said he was worried that he’d messed it up but since then he has been quite heavy handed and hurt me a few more times

He’s is a little bossy and will ask me to go in the Kitchen get him a drink etc or ask me to pass him something that’s right next to him

he likes to slap me in the face during sex or grab my throat but he knows I don’t mind this as long as it’s not too hard

He drinks quite a lot mostly every day- goes to bed with a can of alcohol

has thrown up in my garden a few times from being drunk (I did tell him the second time I didn’t like this as it bought back traumatic memories of my mum being an alcoholic) he did kind of apologise but also kind of turnt it round on me saying are you really gonna get funny about it and why didn’t you at least rub my back (I did the first time)

he used to be addicted to cocaine but has been clean 6 months

he’s really charming and gets along with everyone has lots of friends but when on a night one he met one of my friends and she said he’s really nice but said it seems “smoke and mirrors” and just go slowly/be careful

when on a night out another guy grabbed my arm to get me to sit back down (we were with a group of people we just met) and he got aggressive to him and nearly got in a fight”

he’s told me openly that his last relationship went downhill because of drink and drugs on both sides and it becoming toxic and it came to an end when they had a fight and they both became aggressive and he accidentally hurt her, he’s not seen his children since then as his ex moved away, he also openly said she has accused him of being controlling and coercive

He openly admits he struggles with jealousy and he sent aggressive texts to one of my clients that he saw was being a bit flirty and made him block me

On the flip side he’s very emotionally open with me and admitted he’s done lots wrong and has cried when talking about things he’s gone through

He checks on me through the day and we’ve seen each other mostly every day since we’ve met, he’s good with my children (yes he’s met them, when we met each other I was with my children) he gave spending money when i was taking my kids on holiday, brings flowers and is attentive and loving.

he tells me he just wants to be loved, says he’ll look after me and his dad says he’s got a good heart

I don’t know what to think and if I’m thinking too much of things?

I stopped reading a third of the way down, run for you life

Im obviously not completely stupid otherwise I wouldn’t have made the post. How do you think women end up in abusive/controlling relationships, you don’t see it as easily while your in it compared to people on the outside.

ive known that therapy would probably help me but I’ve never gone for it because I wouldn’t want it to be perceived like “I need help” and then reflect like I’m not a good mum

You can see this man isn't good for you, you can see his behaviour isn't ok, that's why you've posted on here. Well done! You have seen the signs yourself. Now you have to be sensible and mature and break it off. He is bad news for you and even more bad news for your kids.

Please don't see therapy as reflecting badly on you as a mum. Everyone would benefit from therapy. It's great. Especially when you've experienced trauma and abuse.

I don't think your a bad mum Op !
I think u need to take time away from dating and work on your self esteem or go to woman's aid and have a course or something to stop u ending up in a situation that would make u or your children vulnerable I'm sure the is a special.coutae u can take to keep yourself safe and see red flags before u get to involved it's good your seeing them now because he is deffo a huge red flag x

Being a good mum isn’t what you are, it’s what you do.

You are correct !!! And I think I feel super sorry for u I watched a show on Netflix and it's easy to be fooled into an abusive relationship it's not always easy to see the reg flags but u have op now u need to leave this guy behind have a little bit of single time and enjoy the freedom x

I’d be more worried about the people who are not going to therapy that need it. wtf has it got to do with your ability to be a good mother?

Having an abusive boyfriend in their life is worse? Get rid of him and work on yourself.

He wasn’t ’playing around’. He was testing your boundaries. ALL men know precisely how strong they are in comparison to you and the only reason they do shit like this is to demonstrate it clearly to you.

Even allowing for play fighting, no decent man puts his elbow against a woman’s throat for shits and giggles. It’s always a violent, intentional gesture that would never be construed by anyone as being playful.

He’s a cunt, OP. A violent, controlling horror, who will batter you - and worse - without a shadow of a doubt if you stay with him. If you can’t do the right thing for yourself, do it for your poor kids.

My god what have I just read! Possible red flags? A city full of them. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I didn't even get half way through and felt physically sick. Get out, wake up, You say Social Services have never been involved, do you think your children, neighbours, friends,family hear/see nothing? You say you're not scared of him, those children definitely will be. SS should be informed asap, you're putting up with all that for a little scrap of affection, you need to be on your own and learn to value yourself and your children

You would be being a bad mum if you continue seeing this abusive man. Because that puts your kids in danger. Being a good mum would be putting your kids before ‘being in a loving relationship’. Which this isn’t, but you are so desperate for, so you’ll pretend it is.

Oh my God the stuff I read on here , there's some nasty bastards out there , please get away while you can x

Every single one of us has said leave him. What are you going to do?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩you must be mad to stay involved with this man , a history of aggression, alcoholic, jealous , violent to previous partners ! Get your running shoes on and keep running!

I don't know how you can see any green flags through all the red ones.
This man is really dangerous !!!!!!!!!!! to you and potentially your children.

I'm in my 60s. I've had many relationships. No man has EVER hurt me when we have been playing around. It doesn't happen in a respectful loving relationship. Dump him.

Not leave him probably

You are a good mum and you deserve therapy. I’ve been through no way near as much as you and I’ve had so much great therapy; it’s been really useful. Try Time to Talk through your GP, mums aid, and mind. I’ve used them all in the past and they have been brilliant. All free services and especially they’ve been helpful since I’ve been a mum. You say you just want a loving relationship. You really do deserve this. I do not think this is the man who will offer you this; he sounds broken himself leading to coercive control issues and abuse. You don’t deserve this. My best advice, that I was given too, is to marry someone kind. As you say he has green flags, but he also has many red ones so as much as you are drawn to him - it’s not worth it. It really isn’t. Many people who suffered abuse in childhood and trauma seek equally abusive and traumatic partners. This may be what’s drawing you to him. But you have an opportunity here to say no, and choose a different path for yourself. One that is simple, and loving, and kind. I chose a man like that and boy has it paid off. As hard as life is there are so many times I’m grateful for my partner’s kindness. You deserve this. You don’t deserve the red flags and what follows down that road. Take care; you’re such a loving mum and you deserve that love too. X

You are totally wrong this man is abusive and he has abused you but you can't seem to see it , everyone who has replied can.
You should feel unsafe , you are unsafe.
And you are irresponsible exposing your children to a virtual stranger who has already shown you what he is capable of but so far in a 'mild' form which is bad enough.

Your poor children. Six weeks of them spending almost everyday with their mother’s violent, cocaine sniffing, pissed up, controlling wank stain of a “boyfriend”. However, he does bring flowers and buys you off with spending money after his shitty behaviour.

You sound so desperate to keep him, so sad.

I’d get the hell away from this guy before you get in too deep. It may already be too late! RUN! Seriously.

This 💯!
At least you've seen what he's like already. Run, don't have anymore to do with him.

There are so many red flags here
jealous
violent
drug addict
alcoholic
hasnt seen own kids
bossy
friend warned you
aggression

Girlie no !!!! If your daughter said this, what would you tell her ??? These aren't "red flags" that will worsen, these are already bad things he has done. He's hurt you many times!

he hasn’t abused how it’s been taken from my post, he was playing around and is obviously stronger than me.

How do you think women end up in abusive/controlling relationships, you don’t see it as easily while your in it compared to people on the outside.

Hello?