Worried about possible red flags early dating?

[Sheshappy123]

Ive been dating a guy for the past 6 weeks (although it feels much longer and things have moved fast and we do have strong feelings for each other already) but a few things have rang small alarm bells in my head and wanted to see wether others would think these are red flags

He looks at my phone when I’m texting and asks who I’m talking to

i noticed one night that he’d looked through my phone as it was open on messages that I hadn’t looked at in ages

He was messing around like play fighting with me and put his arm hard against my throat I got upset and did cry as my last relationship was a little violent at times and I suffered abuse as a child from my mums partner, he did seem upset though and apologised and said he was worried that he’d messed it up but since then he has been quite heavy handed and hurt me a few more times

He’s is a little bossy and will ask me to go in the Kitchen get him a drink etc or ask me to pass him something that’s right next to him

he likes to slap me in the face during sex or grab my throat but he knows I don’t mind this as long as it’s not too hard

He drinks quite a lot mostly every day- goes to bed with a can of alcohol

has thrown up in my garden a few times from being drunk (I did tell him the second time I didn’t like this as it bought back traumatic memories of my mum being an alcoholic) he did kind of apologise but also kind of turnt it round on me saying are you really gonna get funny about it and why didn’t you at least rub my back (I did the first time)

he used to be addicted to cocaine but has been clean 6 months

he’s really charming and gets along with everyone has lots of friends but when on a night one he met one of my friends and she said he’s really nice but said it seems “smoke and mirrors” and just go slowly/be careful

when on a night out another guy grabbed my arm to get me to sit back down (we were with a group of people we just met) and he got aggressive to him and nearly got in a fight”

he’s told me openly that his last relationship went downhill because of drink and drugs on both sides and it becoming toxic and it came to an end when they had a fight and they both became aggressive and he accidentally hurt her, he’s not seen his children since then as his ex moved away, he also openly said she has accused him of being controlling and coercive

He openly admits he struggles with jealousy and he sent aggressive texts to one of my clients that he saw was being a bit flirty and made him block me

On the flip side he’s very emotionally open with me and admitted he’s done lots wrong and has cried when talking about things he’s gone through

He checks on me through the day and we’ve seen each other mostly every day since we’ve met, he’s good with my children (yes he’s met them, when we met each other I was with my children) he gave spending money when i was taking my kids on holiday, brings flowers and is attentive and loving.

he tells me he just wants to be loved, says he’ll look after me and his dad says he’s got a good heart

I don’t know what to think and if I’m thinking too much of things?

Dump him. Every single one of those is a major red flag. But please do it carefully he sounds the type to turn violent.

"He was messing around like play fighting with me and put his arm hard against my throat I got upset and did cry as my last relationship was a little violent at times and I suffered abuse as a child from my mums partner, he did seem upset though and apologised and said he was worried that he’d messed it up but since then he has been quite heavy handed and hurt me a few more times"

He's an abuser. These bastards have fucking radar for vulnerable women, which you definitely are.

Stop making excuses for this man. His "play fighting" allowed him to ascertain that you will accept his abuse; his hurting you "a few more times" will continue, will ramp up, could end up killing you. You need to get away from him, ASAP, today, NOW.

Get yourself onto The Freedom Programme, at https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk .

You poor child. How can your standards for a partner's behaviour be so low? Value your right to a loving non violent relationship.
Ditch him immediately and find someone who understands respect.

He's already been violent enough to hurt the op.

Jesus OP why are you second guessing this? Run run run.

OP, you must realise that there’s a pattern here - you had an abusive, neglectful childhood which primed you to be a victim of abusive relationships. You say your last relationship was violent. And having the strength to escape that, you’ve landed with another abusive, controlling, manipulative, violent piece of shit.

Abusive men like these can literally sniff out vulnerable woman and home in on them. Then, they start off with low key abuse and ramp it up gradually, when they know you’re sucked in and will endure it, rather than walk away. That’s why they target vulnerable, traumatised women, because a someone with a healthy level of self belief/respect and normal boundaries wouldn’t put up with any of their abuse.

He doesn’t want a girlfriend/partner/family - he wants a victim. Save yourself and your DC from that. Then take a good loooong break from any dating at all, while you go to therapy and learn to value yourself. Because you are worth SO much more than this.

This is absolutely horrifying that mother's are letting men like this, who they've known for 6 weeks, meet their children.

Why don't you just forget about finding love just now, get some therapy and focus on yourself and children.

You have GOT to be kidding me. No way can this post be for real.
OP, you’re like a shining beacon of green light to every abuser under the sun. Don’t forget that you are setting the relationship example to your children. Ditch him, undertake therapy and never date again until you’ve worked on yourself/your standards are MUCH higher.

Small alarm bells! This is so sad that you can't recognise how awful this man is.

You need to know that the good side of a bad person is just them being fake and trying to manipulate people.

He sounds absolutely appalling and you could literally end up in hospital if you don't get him out of your life. Please don't allow him to abuse you any more.

Statistics bear this out.

A male who has put his hands around the woman's throat at any time, is much more likely to perpetrate a strangulation later on

Also the pressure required to occlude an airway fatally is the same PSI as is needed to open a coke can. It doesn't take much.

I can provide stats if needed

But we all know it's two women a week killed by their partner or ex partner and three more by post DV suicide.

He is a violent asshole who turns on the charm to entrap you so he can be violent with you he gets off on this
Get out now

Oh my God. He has more red flags than a shop selling red flags.

And this is after only six weeks??? He’s supposed to be showing you his best self in the honeymoon period, not being violent, pulling in your garden and looking at your messages.

he’s lovebombing you.

Any ONE of those things should be enough to make you dump him.

he’s been violent to you ‘a few times’
he has a problem with alcohol
He’s possessive and controlling

No, no, no. Dump him and run as fast as you can. He’s a piece of shit.

And I suggest you do the Freedom Programme before you get involved with anyone else.

You should feel unsafe. He checks your phone, physically hurts you, orders you around, drinks too much and you think he's okay because he's not as bad as the other violent abusive men from your past. If your children are witnessing him treating you like a servant, hurting you and drinking too much, then you are harming them. Like you, they will grow up with a warped sense of what a normal healthy relationship looks like, they will think this is normal and repeat the pattern. You need to be single, stay single, get help for yourself. You started this thread because you know this isnt right, yet you are now backtracking .

OP I'm sorry, but you cannot call yourself a 'good mum' if you have relationships with violent abusers one after the other.

You need therapy much more than you need a man.

You should feel unsafe. He’s a fucking menace.

Please tell me he hasn’t met your dc yet?

Please tell me he hasn’t met your dc yet?

She met him while with her kids

This man has more than a few red flags. You need to end this, but I think a Clare’s Law request is a good idea in case he also has form for stalking ex partners and you end up needing help. Leaving someone like this is the most dangerous time.

Regarding your children, I’m sorry you were abused as a child but you need to understand even being around domestic abuse is also harmful to children. If they tell someone at school about anything they see at home, then you are going to get Social Services involvement (and rightly so). For your sake and for your children get this man out of your life, and do the Freedom Programme. Unfortunately I think you are vulnerable to being targeted by men like this precisely because you can’t see how clear-cut this is.

Ffs op. He's a proper nasty bastard. Sort it out!

You're minimising it.
Do you think every single person who commented got it wrong? Think about it logically, not every single person is going to misinterpret your post or overreact. He is dangerous!

@AllTheTreesOfTheField I’ve not had one abusive relationship after the other, the one I stated in my post was about my children’s dad who I was with for 15 years, he hit me a couple of times over the time we were together (not downplaying it at all because this was actual abuse m (children never saw) he had a temper, but i eventually left him when I accepted that I would never have that family together for my children that I wanted for them, and like I mentioned my children haven’t witnessed any abuse from the man I’ve been seeing, he hasn’t abused how it’s been taken from my post, he was playing around and is obviously stronger than me.

for the people saying that I’m a bad mum, you put women off reaching out for advise when you put them down as a mum, I don’t need anyone else’s validation to tell me I’m a good mum, no one on here knows me in real life.

What ? 🙀
Dont have sexual histories with random people youve known for 6 weeks for a start

OP, I'm a man, this "specimen" you have found sounds not to have red flags but a massive red banner, red smoke flares and fireworks.

He sounds like an abusive, controlling bag of shite.

Please go with your gut instincts, set you standards much, much higher and dump immediately.

I’ve only read the first page so far and like others I echo what they say, there are so many red flags here it seems like a windup. If however it isn’t, you really need to get out of this relationship - immediately!

Every flag you shared got progressively worse and it’s only been 6 weeks! 6 weeks! There is so much to unpack here - so much!

A positive side to this is that you’re aware enough that something isn’t right to have posted here. Read the thread, take on people’s advice and get out of this relationship.

You mention your mother and a past relationship which wasn’t healthy - I really do think before you enter the next relationship to get some therapy.

Fucking hell. He sounds horrific.. you must have terribly low standards to put up with this shit, let alone contemplate him in the long term. Dump his sorry arse while you can!