Worried about possible red flags early dating?

[Sheshappy123]

Ive been dating a guy for the past 6 weeks (although it feels much longer and things have moved fast and we do have strong feelings for each other already) but a few things have rang small alarm bells in my head and wanted to see wether others would think these are red flags

He looks at my phone when I’m texting and asks who I’m talking to

i noticed one night that he’d looked through my phone as it was open on messages that I hadn’t looked at in ages

He was messing around like play fighting with me and put his arm hard against my throat I got upset and did cry as my last relationship was a little violent at times and I suffered abuse as a child from my mums partner, he did seem upset though and apologised and said he was worried that he’d messed it up but since then he has been quite heavy handed and hurt me a few more times

He’s is a little bossy and will ask me to go in the Kitchen get him a drink etc or ask me to pass him something that’s right next to him

he likes to slap me in the face during sex or grab my throat but he knows I don’t mind this as long as it’s not too hard

He drinks quite a lot mostly every day- goes to bed with a can of alcohol

has thrown up in my garden a few times from being drunk (I did tell him the second time I didn’t like this as it bought back traumatic memories of my mum being an alcoholic) he did kind of apologise but also kind of turnt it round on me saying are you really gonna get funny about it and why didn’t you at least rub my back (I did the first time)

he used to be addicted to cocaine but has been clean 6 months

he’s really charming and gets along with everyone has lots of friends but when on a night one he met one of my friends and she said he’s really nice but said it seems “smoke and mirrors” and just go slowly/be careful

when on a night out another guy grabbed my arm to get me to sit back down (we were with a group of people we just met) and he got aggressive to him and nearly got in a fight”

he’s told me openly that his last relationship went downhill because of drink and drugs on both sides and it becoming toxic and it came to an end when they had a fight and they both became aggressive and he accidentally hurt her, he’s not seen his children since then as his ex moved away, he also openly said she has accused him of being controlling and coercive

He openly admits he struggles with jealousy and he sent aggressive texts to one of my clients that he saw was being a bit flirty and made him block me

On the flip side he’s very emotionally open with me and admitted he’s done lots wrong and has cried when talking about things he’s gone through

He checks on me through the day and we’ve seen each other mostly every day since we’ve met, he’s good with my children (yes he’s met them, when we met each other I was with my children) he gave spending money when i was taking my kids on holiday, brings flowers and is attentive and loving.

he tells me he just wants to be loved, says he’ll look after me and his dad says he’s got a good heart

I don’t know what to think and if I’m thinking too much of things?

This should help you think about whether your relationship is healthy.

''he also openly said she has accused him of being controlling and coercive''

You'll never hear it spelled out more clearly!
That woman suffered so you wouldn't have to. Don't let it go to waste.

And the fact that he openly admitted it? That doesn't mean anything like what you think it does. Narcissists for example are famously blind to their evil. They know that what they do is evil but they hide it behind a million justifications. The whole disorder is set up in such a way that it literally prevents the person with it to be able to see anything, never mind try to change it. As evidenced right here. He's saying it like a passing comment and not something he actually truly recognizes as true (!!!). Because he can't ever see himself as anything other than a victim in life. Which is why he cried crocodile tears, for himself.
I bet though that the ex was punished for saying it and had her life damaged further because of having said it. He won't have cried then.

Giving flowers, a bit of money, checking in (jealousy you mentioned! nowt to do with 'love' btw) mean nothing when concurrent with these characteristics and behaviours.

This is only going to go one way. His.

Out. Out. Out. Get out now.

He is controlling, possessive and violent. You deserve better. It will escalate. Your boundaries have been trampled over. Leave but be careful how you do it. Have things in place to protect you from him if he doesn’t take it well

End it before he destroys your life and self-worth.

It will get worse. The multitude of neon red flags are pointing to a downward slope into the bowels of mental hell, severe emotional pain, and painful physical harm, OP.

Tell someone IRL that you are ending it - have a friend stay with you, or you with them. Men like this can turn nasty, and if there's any sign whatsoever of him behaving in any way other than accepting that it's over, get in touch with the police without delay.

Many of us will not find "their person", and I'm not saying you won't, but what I will say is that you stand a far, far better chance of doing so if you date from a place of having a really high bar, are truly happy on your own, and don't settle for any shite.

Please focus on making a truly joyful life for yourself whereby you are so happy on your own, that unless a man ONLY adds great things to your life, it's simply not comparable to the brilliant life you've created on your own as a single person. You'll know when you've reached that point - trust me!

You know the answer to this already - please leave.

This isn't a safe environment for you.

Good luck. X

Op, read that post as though your daughter is telling you all that stuff about her new boyfriend. How do you reply to her?

I also wouldn’t be surprised if his children had social services involvement because of what you said, and I’d be worried about them finding out that this man is around your child

There are no possible red flags - it’s all massive waving sirens on red flags.

I imagine the Op too has had SS involvement

This is absolutely terrifying! Please please listen to everyone on here and run away before this monster hurts you (again) or your children.
In the kindest way, if you need to ask whether these things are normal or red flags then you need to do some serious work on yourself and stay single.

Jesus, girl, raise your standards. 😳 One of these things alone is a huge red flag. But all of them together…

Get rid, this is him in a new relationship, imagine the number of red flags that’ll emerge in a few weeks/months from now. Protect your children and yourself from this abusive man, aim higher. I bet he’s known to the police - do a Clare’s Law request (in fact don’t bother - he is a deeply unpleasant and abusive individual and this knowledge is enough.

Do you realise one beating is enough to cause trauma, kill them even? Or that men can conceal their abuse of children? Or that witnessing your parent being abused is traumatic?
Saying you will leave if he lays a hand on them isn't good enough. You need to protect them BEFORE they get hurt.

Why are you letting a man you’ve been with for six weeks puke in your children’s garden?

Do you think that’s fair to them?

Can't believe you even need to ask, you need to end this now.

Perhaps because of your childhood you're not seeing the abuse his giving you. Please for your sake and especially your children don't be around this man. He sounds dangerous, do the work on yourself and you will see this, you really don't want him in your life.

Small alarm bells? Big Ben should be ringing in your head. None of the many issues you mentioned are small. His behaviour will only escalate.

Small red flags 🫣🫣🫣 run hard and fast he's a wrongun . Definitely do a clairs law if you stupidly decide to stay

@Goodnessyoualldashoffdontyoureppies i don’t know why you said I’ve probably got social services involved too- quite rude actually no I don’t and never have, I’m a good mum. Thank you

This man hasn’t abused me in the way the comments are sounding, he was playing around and obviously he’s a lot stronger than me so did hurt me. My children haven’t witnessed any abuse at all, I don’t feel unsafe or scared around him.

but I’m going to take a step back to see things clearer

Fgs how can you say you’re a good
mum with a straight face.

I find these threads so….
depressing.

I think I’ll leave you to carry on horrifying posters

There is nothing little about these red flags. 6 weeks in and you are already accepting abusive, controlling and disturbing behaviour. Time to leave.

@Goodnessyoualldashoffdontyoureppies you don’t know me at all to be saying I’m a bad mum, fine for you to judge by one post.

I’m not alone.

anyway, there are enough awful stories about children in the news that if I can avoid feeling upset by a thread on mumsnet, then I will. 👋

A step back? No, the step you need to take is to report him to the police and to block his number.

The second step is to research therapists and get some help.